The body elective*

*With apologies to Walt Whitman

**WARNING: IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY GENITALIA OR TATTOOS OR TATTOOED GENITALIA, EITHER CLICK OFF THIS PAGE, OR DEVELOP A SPINE & LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THINGS YOU’RE NOT USED TO.**

In the past few days, I’ve seen a lot of stories float through my RSS feed that have to do with the body. Not just the parts that are considered “safe” for public exposure, but naughty parts. Some are strange, others kind of sad and the rest? Well, you tell me.

Hang on, I’m going to ease you into this post.

The Chinese are so odd. Before you hit the Comment button and start typing “Hey McCrabass, you’re a racist!” UNCLENCH and let me finish. Humans are odd in general. Just read this post to the end and soon you’ll agree with me.

From People’s Daily Online/Global Online.

Fake pregnant belly becomes hot seller on the Internet

At first, the plan was to really mock and be obnoxious about this new phenomenon, but then I remembered that China is populated by about a 1 billion Chinamen and Chinawomen who are bound by a one child policy. Folks have to ask for permission from the gummint to spawn and many are denied. It’s kinda sad but it makes sense for a country as vast as China. So, the whole wanting-to-experience-pregnancy-deal sort of makes sense to me. Plus, since China is so huge that when odd trends take hold, they’re news.

Read…

“Artificial replicas of pregnant women’s abdomens, made of silica gel, have become hot sellers on the online shopping market, the China News.com reported on Monday.
Looking like the belly of a genuine pregnant woman, the imitations have variously been described as having “flesh color” and “human skin texture,” and as “highly comfortable,” by online shop owners.

There are currently three types of fake bellies being sold, each of which approximates a different period of pregnancy, corresponding to the second and latter trimesters and the final month.”

“Highly comfortable”– guess that’s a switch from being in the “real family way.” I wonder if you can get fake hemorrhoids and a weak bladder for the full effect. I mean, if you’re want to experience pregnancy, why not go for the good, the bad, the ugly and the stinky?

“The replicas are priced from 500 to 1600 yuan ($79-$252), though the slightly more expensive models, priced at around 700 to 800 yuan ($109-$125), have thus far been the best sellers, according to an online shop owner.

“Most of the costumers have bought the bellies for acting performances or as a joke, though others wanted to experience the life of a pregnant woman,” said the owner.

“It looks strange to me. What is the use of it?” said one Internet user.”

I agree with one Internet user.

Moving along ….

I’m on the fence about plastic surgery. On the one hand, I see it as a wonderful tool for those who are disfigured due to an accident, a criminal act or disease. It can heal the mind, body and soul. On the other hand, it’s yet another tool for the most vain and insecure, and for those who have waaaaay too much money to waste on unnecessary pain when all they need is about a year of serious therapy. Then, perhaps about a year volunteering in an Indian leper colony. After those two hopefully life-changing events, plastic surgery won’t even be on the horizon, but knowing this culture, it never left the psyche.

What’s this all about you ask? Well, here. I’ve written enough for the moment.

From Time Out London.

“Christmas shoppers in Marylebone are in for a shock/treat (delete as applicable) tomorrow morning as the Muff March threatens to bring the area to a standstill. Inspired by The Muffia, a group of performance artists that campaign against ‘designer vaginas’, marchers will be donning hirsute merkins (that’s a pubic wig, incase you’ve never come across a merkin before) and marching down Harley Street in a bid to arouse public interest.”

Note to readers–if you’ve never heard of, thought of or discussed merkins, I strongly suggest you bone up on the subject of pubic wigs. You’ll be glad you did.

So far, I’m not shocked by protesting ‘designer vaginas.’ That’s probably because I’ve written about the subject before. Plus, since plastic surgery is such a big deal here, I’m only shocked when I read stories such as this one. No wait, not that one, this one.

Continue.

“The protestors have united around a Facebook page that argues against the pornification of society, hoping to ‘speak out against a porn culture that is driving more and more women to the surgeon’s table to get a “designer vagina”.’ The site claims that the Harley Medical Group received 5,000 inquiries about cosmetic gynaecology in 2010, ’65 percent of them for labial reduction, the rest for tightening and reshaping’, with a 70 percent increase in the labiaplasty operations during 2007-2008.

The organisers say that the protestors will be ‘speaking out against surgeons profiting from body hatred, and raising awareness about the growing pressures on women to seek labiaplasty’, emphasising concern that the operation seems to increase over the Christmas period.”

Dealing with lady issues is bad enough. All of the waxing, plucking and painting that is done to the nether regions is rough, but to voluntarily go under the knife because you believe your outer-cooch is catching the wind like a spinnaker is a bit too much. I’m dying to know how it got that way in the first place! C’mon! For the mens, I’d be willing to bet this procedure would be like having a vasectomy with nothing but a bottle of whiskey to swallow and a leather strap to bite down on to help kill the pain.

Now, onto the last part. Warning — this is gonna get graphic so if you’ve come this far and you’re a bit squeamish, I suggest you just focus on one spot on the wall and go with it. Let it happen.

Sometimes, there are no words.

Take a deeeeeep breath. These sounds worse than a labiaplasty. And, #3? That woman should be locked away from society forever. Too bad the Magdalene laundries have been outlawed.

Finally, gotta give equal time to the dudes.

If you need me, I’ll be in my panic room attempting the first all-bleach lobotomy.

12 thoughts on “The body elective*

  1. can you imagine the difficulty an ob/gyn and his nurses must have when delivering a sweet little newborn from homer simpson? how do they not wet themselves laughing? or the guy with the beard?

    and, for the record, i thought your post was hysterical, and i am among the easily offended. i think your instruction to ‘unclench’ was appropos.

  2. Your comment ‘too bad the Magdalene Laundries were outlawed’ is not only in poor taste, but inaccurate. The Laundries were never ‘outlawed’: the last closed in 1996, and most phased out by the 1970′s largely due to the advent of more efficient commercial washing equipment. To suggest that a woman be incarcerated in a Magdalene Laundry simply for tattooing herself (even if said tattoos are in poor taste) goes beyond the pale. These institutions were horrific: women were often remanded for life; physically, sexually and mentally abused; forced to perform unpaid labour; denied the ability to converse with fellow inmates and even if they managed to escape or leave with a work referral from the nuns, their lives were never the same. I suggest you find another analogy…yours was in poorer taste than the tattoo images to which you linked. You do a grave disservice to the women who died in Laundries or who survived (like my own mother) and the current fight for justice for these women. Rather than reference a nearly decade old CBS news story, why not educate yourself fully on the history of the Laundries and the campaign for justice? http://www.magdalenelaundries.com.

    • You’re right, it was in poor taste and I apologize, but I’m not going to switch analogies. I’m sorry about what happened to your family. Instead of vilifying me, go after the Catholic Church.

      A couple bits of advice…next time read the warnings at the top of a post (that are written in ALL CAPS as an attention-grabber), that way you’ll know that what’s written below is not for those who are easily offended. Also, try reading/browsing the rest of my posts to get a feel for my wicked sense of humor before you comment about how what I wrote was in poor taste — of course it was! I make a point of showing my readers the ridiculous crap that’s out there. I make fun of everyone — especially myself.

      Finally, if you don’t like it, don’t read it.

    • The Catholic Church has always been evil. Join us. We’re fun and and believe women must do the laundry but deserve a washing machine.

      I’ll buy you one at Sears. They are on sale.

      No aren’t you glad you left a comment.

      Merry whatever you celebrate.
      Regards,
      ATMS.

    • “The Magdalene Sisters” is one of my fave films of all time. I used to teach it when I taught film editing.

      And, i don’t have any type of fucking power to do any type of fucking grave disservice to anyone.
      LIGHTEN. THE. FUCK. UP.

  3. This kinda/sorta recently surfaced in my life. Post conjugating the verb, My Special Someone recently revealed that she’s thinking about getting a labiaplasty. I screamed, “What?” so loud I injured my vocal cords and my landlord also has to repair my ceiling now.

    Very entertaining post though.

  4. I’m gonna let it go this time Jules but next time let know you’re gonna post the photos you took of my split Wang. If you recall at the time you insisted it was strictly for your “private collection.” Though I must say I never knew how closely it resembles the snail from Dr. Doolittle…

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