Lois Lane in Lucite Heels

Here’s a ripping good yarn for y’all.

Girl gets an MA in journalism. Girl eventually gets a job as a society reporter at The Houston Chronicle. Girl realizes that reporting about the high-class society broads in Houston doesn’t pay jack cheese. Girl then gets a gig peeling her knickers off to Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child in the City” for fat, rich oil men. Girl makes big money and starts to blog about her after hours fun fun pole time. Girl’s newspaper bosses find out and girl loses reporting job.

The word on the street is the powers-that-be at the Chronicle didn’t like the fact that Ms. Tressler had another job outside of her reporter gig since that ploy is verboten. However, I think it’s because they were embarrassed that 1) She was taking her clothes off whilst wearing lucite heels & flashing her chocha at some of Houston’s finest mens, then eating watercress sammiches on low-carb bread with some of her nightly customers wives and daughters then writing about them there lunches for the paper, and 2) She was making more money than anyone else at the Chronicle.

Ah, the flesh trade. We should all be so lucky enough to have the genetic makeup to be able to dabble in it and make two grand a night. Dog bless her! She has a great career as either a reality tee vee star OR  a White House correspondent ahead of her.

I can’t get upset about this. Why? Because in this day and age with the economy sucking a Pakistani whore’s sweaty bunghole, we all have to do whatever it takes to make ends meet. Women in my chosen profession have their cotton panties in a twist because they believe that Ms. Tressler’s actions make women journos look less-than. Um, NO. Her actions have nothing to do with women journos and our reputations. Women dumping on other women because they’re women are doing more harm than someone who gets lots of Andy Jackson’s shoved in her g-string, then writing about the Houston ladies who lunch.

Blaming Ms. Tressler, and others like her, for women journos not getting ahead in this business is a cheap shot. A very cheap shot. Style over substance has always been a bugaboo for women who are trying to make it in media and since women are only considered worthy if they have tooth-pick sized thighs, it can be rough for those of us who try to set ourselves apart in one way or another. While Ms. Tressler could’ve handled her night job with a little more decorum, her actions probably wouldn’t be ruffling a lot of feathers. If you disagree, please tell me why there are no ugly tee vee journos? Why aren’t there any lady tee vee journos who are over a size 2? I rest my case.

The best part? There’s now an opening at the Chronicle.

SWF Redux

It’s not even 9am here on the West Coast and I’m already creeped out by an ad I spied on Craigslist Chicago. Oh, and it takes a lot to creep me out, by the way.

$440 lake shore drive high rise single white male seeks female condomate (lake shore drive / east lakeview) (map)

Seems harmless enough you say? Continue reading, please. (No editing occurred to keep the creepiness of this posting intact.)

House of Horrors?

$440 lake shore drive high rise condo single white male seeks white collar / professional female condomate
lake shore drive high rise condo,balcony,stunning view of lake and harbor,24 hour doorman,exercise room,laundry room,directv,at&t u-verse high speed internet (wireless compatibility).single white male seeks white collar / professional or comparable occupation female condomate,apprx age range 20 / 40. $440 / month including utilities (electric,cooking gas,heat,air conditioning).completely and nicely furnished private bedroom.wall to wall draw draperies,wall to wall closets,twin size bed,dresser,thayer-coggin love seat sofa,modern stow-davis contoured sectional chair,modern koch+lowy dual vertical beam chrome floor lamp,z-shaped plexiglas accent tables,13″ tv set,room controlled central heat / air conditioning system.i’m non-smoking however you may smoke but only on the balcony,not in the apartment. If you want wired phone service in addition to your cell phone there is a phone in the bedroom so bring along an internet calling device such as nettalk or magic jack etc .indoor valet garage parking extra,no pets.this is the best roommate value on the internet,upscale accommodations and location at a budget price.available for immediate occupancy
contact bob for appointment .
phone 773 390 0298
additional photos at myspace.com/cutebob33
for e-mail inquries please click reply to this ad

Seems like a nice place, GREAT ‘hood, right? But there’s something else …. could it be the almost-obsessive description/name-dropping of the designer furniture that’s festooned about the condo? Is it the obsessive non-use of the space bar on his computer or Smartphone? Is it tastefully decorated so the new roomie has nice things to look at while she’s involved in a greased up, strung-out ass-to-ass fuck show a la “Requiem For A Dream”? Is the ‘thayer-coggin love seat sofa’ really the last thing she wants to see before she’s bundled up and hauled off to be a sex slave for a Saudi prince on his well-appointed yacht in the Med?

Damn…why oh why did I delete my MySpace page?

No, the major creep-factor is the pictures featured in the ad. Especially this one-

I’d better put the lotion in the basket or I’ll get the hose.

The case of the moldy muff plugs

Every now and then, I come across a headline that causes me to throw up in my mouth a little.

Don’t Worry, That’s Just Bread Mold On Your Tampon

This headline required several readings before I could actually dive into the meaty part of the article. Plus, I needed a visual before I could carry on with my day.

Let’s take a look at the story, shall we? via The Consumerist.

“Normally, Danielle wouldn’t have pulled her Kotex tampon out of the applicator for inspection before using it. I mean, who does that? One happened to fall out of the applicator, though, and that’s when she saw them. The splotches of blackish mold. “Makes you wonder how many times things like this happen to tampons and we don’t have a clue,” she wrote. Um, yes.

She posted photos on her blog, along with the response that she received from a Kimberly-Clark representative when she e-mailed in the same photos. Their response, paraphrased: “don’t worry about that mysterious substance that you almost inserted into your vagina. It’s just bread mold.” Then they promised to send her coupons for more Kotex tampons. Thanks?”

Who does inspect a tampon before using it? I sure as shit don’t, because once it’s out of the little protective casing, insertion is close to impossible unless you happen to be the proud owner of a jumbo jet-sized snatch. I never understood how anyone could use o.b. Tampons — you know, the non-applicator tampons that are used by women who into all things-natural. (wonder what they do for vibrators.) For those of you (read: men who are somewhat clueless about lady bits) who don’t know what I’m talking about, just THINK about it for a moment or two.

“Dear Danielle,

Thanks for contacting us about your experience with KOTEX® SECURITY® tampons. We are very sorry that you were disappointed with your recent purchase of our product.

We understand how distressing it can be to find mold on a product that is used for personal hygiene and apologize for your concern. In instances where it has been found, we conducted tests on the product involved and have found the mold to be a common environmental species that carries no health risk. The vegetative mold is similar in nature to mold on vegetables or in baked goods.

You can be confident that we are diligently reviewing our manufacturing process to ensure this problem does not recur. Because our customers and their well-being are very important to us, we want to assure you that the quality and safety of our products are our top priorities. We apply very rigorous procedures to our products to ensure that they are safe for their intended use.

With the hope that you will continue to use SECURITY tampons with confidence, we are sending you some coupons through the mail for your use on future purchases.
[redacted]
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Lead the world in essentials for a better life.”

Nice to know that a pharma company is equating their products with baked goods. What this little letter tells me is that all we gals really need to do is buy some bread sticks and use ‘em as feminine protection because that’s what Kimberly-Clark is inadvertently comparing their little ‘oops’ to. Next time I’m cruising the crimson, I’ll just mosey on into the Olive Garbage and pick up some of their famous bread sticks and go to town! Don’t know how I’ll explain the resulting yeast infection though. Perhaps I should think this one through a scosch more.

Oh and the coupons, well that’s just good business. *AHEM*

“Danielle didn’t find this particularly comforting. The reply came quickly, and knowing that had a form letter ready to go for cases of tampon mold is a little unsettling. She noted on her blog:

‘Yeah, that’s real reassuring. I was grossed out in the first place and their response just makes it worse! Seems this is a fairly common problem … and that is a cause for serious concern. I doubt most people get as lucky as I did – I just so happened to accidentally expose the mold and I am so glad that I did! Most people wouldn’t be so fortunate.

Thanks for the coupons, Kotex, but I can confidently say I’ll never be purchasing any of your products ever again.’

 Then her blog post went viral. Readers wondered whether she had faked the mold with a Sharpie for attention, or stored the tampons in a damp cabinet. (Isn’t that why they’re sealed in little plastic wrappers?) At readers’ urging, she approached a local news outlet which plans to send the tampon for independent lab testing. But in the meantime, someone higher up at Kimberly-Clark noticed, and reached out.”

Remember the whole Toxic Shock Syndrome kerfuffle back in the 80s? Rely Tampons were responsible for several cases — a few of them fatal — of TSS. As a result, this particular brand of tampons was given a new tag-line “Die With Rely” by a bunch of smartasses and eventually pulled from the shelves. Yep, our family had a field day with that saying. But, I digress. One would think that because of this particular type of feminine protection’s history, the parent company would rethink the whole creepy form letter signed, sealed and delivered with coupons.

I’m glad Danielle took the viral route.

“Dear Danielle,

I just read your message to us on Facebook and I wanted to tell you that we are so sorry you had this experience! In [redacted]‘s eagerness to get back to your e-mail right away, she unfortunately sent you incorrect information concerning this issue.

Nothing is more important to us than consumer safety. Any discoloration or abnormality with our tampons is extremely rare, and we want to do a full investigation to determine the source and follow-up with our manufacturing facility. So if you still have the tampon, can you please return it to us by using the prepaid mailing envelope we’re sending you?

We’d also really like to get on the phone with you and find out more to help us in our investigation. Please give us a call at [redacted] and ask for [redacted], or reply to this e-mail and give us your phone number and the best time to contact you.

Again, we are so sorry this happened and thank you so much for getting in touch with us and giving us the chance to help make sure this doesn’t happen again.

[redacted]
Account Executive
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Lead the world in essentials for a better life.”

In other words, you embarrassed us on social media. See, we were so hoping that you would view the mold as natural, and wouldn’t have issues with sticking the offending tampons up your hoo-ha during your monthly visitor since some mold is actually good for you (see bleu cheese and penicillin). But since you’re all about blogging (kids these days!) and using the Twitter and the Facebook, you’ve sullied our rep but since we can’t say that, we’ll have to gosh, change our shitty for-profit ways and start making safer products for 52 percent of the American population. Shit howdy … we shoulda jumped on that War on Women bandwagon when we had a chance.

What total choads we are.

Sarcasm IS wit

julesagray:

I love this post. Not because she gets the whole sarcasm thing, but the quotations she includes are classic. Anyone with a sense of humor should memorize a few, if not all of them. It’s always nice to read/hear a fellow wit quash the whole ‘sarcasm is the lowest form of wit’ thought. It takes intelligence and wit to be sarcastic.
Hope you enjoy this post as much as I did.

Originally posted on Susie Lindau's Wild Ride:

Striking up conversation with random people is something I love to do especially when I am running errands. It makes a boring trip to the store much more pleasurable. Sometimes I throw in a bit of humor to add levity to an otherwise mundane situation. I think it surprises some folks so much, that it renders them dumbfounded.  While staring at the shopper/salesperson/bagger with a silly smile on my face, I wait for a reaction.

I have come up with an excuse for their blank dull stare after my feeble attempts to make someone smile. I just assume that they don’t speak English. If they respond by sighing while  giving me an eye roll, that’s when I want to channel Foghorn Leghorn. He’d say, “That’s a joke son. Now look at me when I’m talkin’ to yah.”

Foghorn_Leghorn

 

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Sarcasm is a sort of humor that is…

View original 645 more words

Hoodie-winked

julesagray:

This is one of the best commentaries I’ve seen on the subject of the clusterfuck shit storm in Florida involving Trayvon Martin. Nice work, Squatty.
Onward.

Originally posted on Obalesque:

Help me figure this out.

A lawyer for the man at the center of the Trayvon Martin death investigation said Florida’s “stand your ground” law doesn’t apply to the shooting that killed the unarmed teen.

“In my legal opinion, that’s not really applicable to this case. The statute on ‘stand your ground’ is primarily when you’re in your house,” said Craig Sonner, attorney for George Zimmerman.

“This is self-defense, and that’s been around for forever — that you have a right to defend yourself. So the next issue (that) is going to come up is, was he justified in using the amount of force he did?” — myfox8.com

And yet, with two notable exceptions, the hue and cry across the land is all about Florida’s SYG and the 20 other states with similar statutes.  The two odd men out are Newt Gingrich and Geraldo Rivera.  Newton Leroy thinks the president’s…

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julesagray:

It’s no secret that I read a great deal of material on the Internets. A lot of newsy stuff, a lot of fluff and a few blogs. I’ve decided to re-blog some of the blogs I dig in a Marcia-Brady-digs-Davy-Jones kinda way. I did this earlier with a piece by a doctor about transvajayjay ultrasounds and I enjoyed the wee sense of power it gave me knowing that I hopefully drove more readers to John Scalzi’s “Whatever” blog. It’s a good blog–check it out, then subscribe to it. Same goes for Lame Adventures, by my ‘new’ pal The Lame Adventures Woman aka Nancy Kulp of Facebook. She’s witty, smart and insightful. Plus, this latest post is fun! So, please read her posts and subscribe to her blog– you won’t be sorry you did.
I hope y’all enjoy this because I’m going to do this from time to time. Thanks. Peace and hair grease, Jules.

Originally posted on Lame Adventures:

Most days at work I collect the mail in the first floor in-basket.  Most of the mail is addressed to my boss, Elsbeth.  A week or two ago I noticed the April issue of Harper’s magazine in our in-basket.

April issue of Harper's magazine.

It was not addressed to Elsbeth but I figured that Stu, her husband and the company founder, put it there intentionally.  It’s not my style to question what motivates him to do what he does as I am sure he welcomes my indifference.  Yet, had he left a live hand grenade in our in-basket I still might not have questioned Stu himself, but I would have been compelled to ask one of his Yes Men about that along with enforcing a dictate of my own:

Me:  One of you guys bring that up to her.

When I would reach my office wearing my Minister of Watch Dogging chapeau, I…

View original 680 more words

Shitty news: The mid-week roundup

The past few days have been rough. First, a barbaric law in Florida has allegedly played a role in the death of yet another young black male. My heart aches for his family and friends who mourn Trayvon Martin, but this heartbreak doesn’t match the anger I have for the state of Florida for being the land of choads. Social media stepped up to the plate this time in a big, important way. If it hadn’t been for Facebook and Twitter, Mr. Martin’s death would’ve been another sad footnote in the history of violence aimed at young, black AMERICAN males. This shouldn’t be happening in this day and age. This country has made leaps and bounds with regards to other aspects of social justice, but we’re lacking when it comes to the African American community.

Yes, yes, yes…how would I know how it is seeing that I’m a well-educated  white woman from an upper-middle class family? First and foremost, I’m a human being and I view all human beings as equal. A relatively rare attitude as of late, since some of my white brothers have their knickers in a twist over the fact that we have a black POTUS, and believe that Mr. Obama is going to take away their ‘rights.’ Whatever the fuck that means.

What happened to Trayvon Martin affects all of us. With some it’s immediate and profound, with most of us it’s subtle. This type of senseless death chips away at the structure of American society little by little. I pray that justice will prevail.

Onward.

This guy needs to shuttie his pie hole. Folks who don’t listen to NPR or pay attention to when the media do an ‘Oops! Our bad!’ don’t know the whole Mike Daisey tale of whoa! In short, Mike Daisey is a guy who did a play/performance piece about the horrors of working in an Apple factory in China. Turns out, most of the yarn was fabricated but that didn’t come to light until after “This American Life” did a whole story on Daisey and his play. Note: TAL fact checks everything. EVERYTHING. Daisey lead them astray with his ‘facts’ and that’s where the trouble began. Then, TAL devoted yet another whole show to the fabrication. Got it. Should be the end of it, riiiight? Nope, now Daisey is blaming his wife when he should just shut it down, lick his wounds and do some serious soul searching because he doesn’t want to be known as the Stephen Glass of the performance art world.

Looks like my former governor will be going through some unfortunate changes whilst in the pokey for being all greedy n’ shit. That hair color is not his own–it’s manufactured then sent to drugstores between hither and yon where Mr. Barbers everywhere can buy it for their vain customers.

From the Chicago Sun-Times via the AP.

Blagojevich’s barber: Ex-gov’s hair is dyed,will turn gray in prison

“Rod Blagojevich’s barber says the former Illinois governor’s famously thick, dark hair is dyed and will turn gray within the first months of his prison term.

Peter Vodovoz, also known as “Mr. Barber,” has been Blagojevich’s barber for more than two decades. Vodovoz said Wednesday that the 55-year-old Blagojevich has dyed his hair for years.

Blagojevich reported to a Colorado federal prison last week to begin serving a 14-year sentence for corruption. A prison spokesman says hair dye is banned because inmates could use it to change their appearances in escape attempts.

Vodovoz says Blagojevich’s dark-brown dye will fade quickly, and he could be as gray as talk show host Jay Leno within three months.

When he was governor, Blagojevich was so obsessive about his hair he had a security official carry a brush.”

Hey gov, as the song goes — “A change would do you good.” It would do all of us good since I’m a bit weary of my homestate being the political laughing stock of this nation. Now please Rod, go away so us Illinoisans can get back to business as usual. Well, maybe not AS usual since that behavior tends to land our fearless leaders into buttloads of trouble with the Feds. Also, looking like Jay Leno ain’t necessarily a compliment.

Here’s another who should shuttie her yapper. What’s sad here is how the baby daddy wants nothing to do with his son. Shame on him. And shame on her for not wearing any make up. Knowing how this country is, she would’ve garnered a lot more sympathy had she tried to whore it up a bit during the initial interviews and investigations.

There’s something quite unappetizing about this. Gross. Art, schmart. I’ll say it again: Gross.

Next time, toss a salad in the way we’d all like to see. Orrrr….maybe not. You decide for yourself.

Finally … well, you’ll see.

Knit one, pussy two

I need to learn how to knit.

Sadly, it’s a civic duty these day since some of our esteemed lawmakers are taking it upon themselves to decide what us gals can do with our breeding parts. Some liken us to farm animals, others want us to watch an abortion before we make that wrenching (read: personal) yet LEGAL DECISION to have one and finally, others want to limit our access to birth control.

(Side note: what the fuck is wrong with Arizona?) 

Apparently we’re no better than cattle and other four-legged creatures that inhabit farms n’ shit.

What does this have to do with knitting you ask? Earlier, I came across this brilliant plan.

The Snatchel Project

Let’s make a uterus or VJJ for each male rep in congress!

The idea behind this is simple and genius: Keep the government out of our lady parts, but if you feel you must play around with our uteri, why here’s one of your own! It’s soft, and kinda pretty and informative — and the one that looks like a labia can be used for practice (shudder) since I’m sure that most of these women-haters have no idea how to ‘work’ it! Also, if we do decide to use birth control, we’re not sluts, whores, strumpets, harlots, skanks, loose, etc. We have a right to make our own decisions about our lives, y’all don’t. So, piss off (that’s my editorial comment, not the owners of http://www.governmentfreevjj.com/ , or maybe it is, they’re just classier than I am, (s)natch).

The sad thing is, most of Reps won’t get it and will probably give these to their farm animals to use as chew toys.