Nailed It!

My gal is at it again.

What did I do when I saw her new manicure?

Purdy!

Now, I’m sure that Miss Coco had hers professionally done. I should fucking hope so.

Me? Not so much.

Can’t you tell by how the polish is smeared on my cuticles and finger tips? That’s what makes my manicure so damn special. And I did it allll by mahself.

*proud*

Hed of the Day

I’ve said it a thousand times–I miss headline writing so much. One of my jobs as a copy editor at this healthcare business/policy pub I worked for back in the days of yore, was to write interesting headlines–which I did–but mine were never as interesting as this one.

Rosacea Possibly Caused by Tiny Mites Without Anuses Living on Your Face

From Gawker.com

I’m off to plunge my face in bleach.

The Daily Earworm

Pick one or two or all of them. Whatever floats your boat.

I’ve given you a selection, depending on which year brings you the bestest/worst memories. In other words, I’m fucking with you and enjoying every damn minute of it.

#1 Mr. Leo Sayer. Nothing says secksy more than a Jew-fro, white duds and an adenoid-killing falsetto.

#2 Mr. Cliff Richard.

I had the pre-teen lady bits shivers back in the day for him — way before Rex Smith and Andy Gibb ended up on my bedroom walls. Cliff paved the way for my Marcia Marcia Marcia/Davey Jones crushes. However, prior to Cliff, there was Elton but my heart was busticated when it was revealed to me that Reginald preferred peen. I still loved his music, but his love for all things male stopped me from planning our huge county club wedding. (side note: My first rock concert was Sir Elton at the now-defunct Chicago Stadium. KiKi Dee showed up too. Elton tossed piano benches into the audience. Got a contact high from the hairdos in front of us who were smokin’ doobies with their parents. I got gum in my hair. I was ten.)

#3 Rex Smith. One of my oldest friends on this rock, Heather, and I would spend hours listening to the dulcet tones of Rex in her bedroom in the large house her family owned in the woods of Wayne. Heather was SO lucky because she OWNED THE RECORD. I was in awe of her because of that, and well, many other things.

This is my fave MOW ever, and Heather, I’m SO gonna marry Rex Smith someday. You can be my maid of honor and throw rice at us as we speed away in Rex’s Camaro.

#4 Andy Gibb.

I loved him so much I even named my horse after one of his songs. Let’s see if you can guess which one. (Hint: It’s not the one below)

He wrote this song for me, you know.

#5 Brothers Johnson.

I love the tummy gurgling sounds at the beginning of this tune. Makes me wanna pee.

There ain’t anything better on Earth than classic R&B music.

#6 FUCK YOU.

Coming soon: The Daily Earworm: Ladies’ Night

The Daily Oh No He DI’INT!

But he did.

Yes, the master of “hiking the Appalachian Trail” wink wink has done something men in his sitch rarely do — he’s marrying the woman with whom he had been schtupping whilst married to someone else.

(courtesy of wltx.com)

Y’all remember this ripping good yarn, yes?

Picture it … South Carolina, summer 2009 … a gray-haired, tight-assed WASP, secret Lothario goes missing. His aids claim he was hiking along the infamous Appalachian Trail when really he was outsourcing jobs to the Southern Hemisphere, so to speak. He was chasing la chocha.

Turns out Gov. Sanford wasn’t traipsing along the trail, dodging illegal stills and Darwin’s Waiting Room, he was playing esconde la salchicha with his Argentinean soul mate — Maria Belen Chapur — in the Southern Hemisphere. Ahem. He was south of the border —  berry interestink since not a lot of conservative dudes are into eating at the Y. Or so I’ve heard.

Oh hell, just watch this. My words can’t even begin to essplain it all.

Before you hit the comments section and start wailing about how he’s a horrible man, chill. This happens every day. Love is love and it knows no bounds. Live and let live, love and let love. Life’s short.

You get the idea.

The Daily Oops pt. 2

The mouth-breathing contingent is thrilled to know that their fab fave guidette, Snooki, has spewed forth from her cheap-beer/gin/Guido spooge soaked lady bits a wee Guido for all of world to see–whether we want to or not.

Mom.

Little Lorenzo Dominic DeValle entered this world around 3 AM Sunday, and now we have one more reason to continue celebrating mediocrity in this fine country.

Yee haa.

The Daily Oops pt. 1

All the little brother wanted to do was to help out his older sister by giving her, you know, life.

He wanted to do this by donating a kidney to her. Wow. Talk about admirable. I bake my sisters cookies or other sweets from time to time, or send them funny Internetz LOLz  when I deem them worthy enough of my sisters’ attention. In a normal life, that would be enough. One rarely has to ponder, however, the organ donation to save a sibling question.

This type of decision requires buttloads of introspection, and discussions with doctors and family members.

In other words, it is not a decision that is entered into lightly. Eventually it was decided what was needed to save a life, then this happened

UTMC nurse tossed out kidney, ruined it

Whoopsie.

Okay, this type of mistake happens from time to time and while it is horrible, we’re only human. We make mistakes — lots of them. What was so wrong with the University of Toledo Medical Center is they didn’t “get out in front of the story” like they should have. Instead the hospital powers-that-be pussyfooted around and weren’t straightforward about what really happened. Oops. Not good when most folks aren’t educated on organ donation because it’s not something most folks have to think about ever. However, organizations like UNOS and Gift of Hope are making inroads with organ/tissue donation education.

Despite all that mess, it’s still a HUGE-ASS oops.

 

 

The Daily Wank

Raquel Welch — she’s been part of many a young person’s daily pud wank or finger bang since she first burst on the scene some 19 years after being born in Ravenswood Hospital. She’s stunning and looks damn good for 71 or for any age for that matter.

While she’s not the best actress around — but holy crap, I do LOVE “Mother, Juggs & Speed” — she has managed to keep her career going lo these many years by appearing in MOWs, films, posing nekkid  in Playboy (her daughter, Tahnee, followed in mum’s footsteps years later) and hawking her skincare/fitness secrets/wigs on the tee vee and beyond. What’s so great about her is she has a wonderful sense of humor about it all. Bravo, Rocky.

Then, there are the musical performances that include dancing, costumes and back-up dancers. Caught on tape.

I tried like hell to imitate Ms. Welch’s opening moves featured in the next clip, but I ended up on the floor with my hips packed in ice. So, don’t try any of these moves unless you have a spotter.

Enjoy!

The Daily SQUEEE!

Fuck a duck, I love owls.

They’re the coolest birds on earth. Not only can they kick your ass, they can really kick your ass. Then, they’ll turn around and kick it again just for shits and hoots.

Owls are also the nerds of the forest. Put some glasses on them and they’ll solve the world’s problem with one swipe of their talons after they’ve shat out last night’s meal of vole and garter snake. They’re that awesome.

Oh and they’re adorable.

In honor of the upcoming US Open, here you go…