Life’s 47% Pageant

Last night, I dreamed that this was me in my new, seizure-inducing living room.

(courtesy of worldofwonder.net)

Hey, it’s a huge improvement over the dreams I usually have where this character makes an appearance in one form or another:

(courtesy of wikipedia)

I know. Ouch. Somedays I’m Saturn, other days I’m his son. Either is a bummer no matter what.

This week marks yet another unpropitious anniversary–20 months of unemployment. Or, to reiterate what I said to my friend Braulio recently, it’s been a fucking weird year.

Meh.

I could bitch and moan about it, but what’s the point? I’ve got some freelance work that’s keeping me one step ahead of the law so mankind is safe for the time being. Plus, it’s much more fun to provide witty, acerbic yet caustic commentary on what’s been happening in the world lately. As we all know, there’s a plethora o’ material.

In. His. Wet. Dreams. Herman Cain is the gift that keeps on giving–kinda like herpes and his GOP brethren. When he says stuff like: “Stupid people are ruining America, and we’ve got to take it back” you know it’s time for him to return to making shitty pizza and leave the tough stuff like maintaining control of all four limbs and making actual decisions about big important things — like how to solve this country’s problems — to those who have a titch more experience in such matters. Knowing which type of pizza sauce is tastier, makes you an expert in, well, nothing.

Folks, Russia’s latest export is a super hot-model. Yep. I know. Yawn.

Let’s try this again.

Folks, Russia’s latest export is a super-hot model is a DUDE who looks like a CHICK.

Meet Stanyslas Fedyanin. He’s prettier than everyone ever. Kudos on mastering tucking your sack back.

(courtesy buzzap.jp)

And we’re back to Russia, or in this case, the Ukraine. They’re all the same to me. Anyway, that part of the world births some of the oddest shit.

Anastasiya Shpagina is no exception. Apparently, living a real life isn’t enough so she’s now an anime person or character or whatever fanboys call them. I don’t really know what that is either. Maybe the videos below will provide some sort of explanation.

FYI: Dziga Vertov would be disgusted by the horrible camera angles.

Hope this helps tame your latent-girls-dressed-as-anime-characters-fantasy, pervs. If these examples didn’t take away the schwing you’re feeling in your nether regions, you can always get some broad to dress up like an anime character–money is always a good enticement. This vid will show you both how! Just keep the volume at a reasonable level because we all know how well sound travels up from your mom’s basement. You wouldn’t want to interrupt her canasta tourney.

Wanking Roger.

Gentlemen, when you’re too lazy to give ye olde pud a wank, there’s this.

Sigh.

If you use it, I wouldn’t go about all willy nilly bragging about it. Masturbation is one of the few great rights we have left and if you’re not up for it, I’d keep it to yourself.

7 thoughts on “Life’s 47% Pageant

  1. I think that Stas chick is kind of cute. And from what we’ve seen on reality TV, we know it takes balls to be a successful glamour model.

  2. (Sigh.) Okay, pay attention. When it’s Japanese cartoons with the big eyes, it’s anime. When it’s sex-filled anime, it’s hentai. When a REAL person does it, it’s cosplay – pronounces KOS-play, short-o-sound. And it this makes sense to you, you’re a really sick puppy. :D
    And should you ever have the pleasure to meet an ethnic Ukrainian, I will simply say this – I hope you can duck REAL fast, ’cause if you call a proud Ukrainian RUSSIAN, they will tear your heart out through your belly button, and stuff it back up your rear so hard, your ears will squirt blood. THEN they will get MAD! ;)
    “Plethora”? Who died and left you a thesaurus?!?

    • Your knowledge about all things anime frightens and confuses me.
      as for the former EBers (eastern-bloc) who have taken over most ‘hoods in Chicago, I know what you’re saying. I tend to give them a wide berth because the over-plucked eyebrows and sallow, sunken visages FREAK MY SHIT OUT.

Push it out, shove it out, waaaaay out...

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