Petraeus’s Pussy Problem

What former CIA Director General David Petraeus said in a statement after it was discovered by the FBI he was playing hide the ballistic missile with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, author of the tome about her paramilitary paramour titled, [B]All In, was expected and quite dull. Zzzzzz….

“After being married for over 37 years, I showed extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair,” Mr. Petraeus said in his statement, expressing regret for his abrupt departure. “Such behavior is unacceptable, both as a husband and as the leader of an organization such as ours. This afternoon, the president graciously accepted my resignation.”

Whoopsie!

Just for once, I’d LOVE to hear an apology statement by a government official upon resignation given in the appropriate lingo of his/her career choice. Confused? Well, here’s what he should have said:

“After slipping my warhead past Ms. Broadwell’s strategic defense systems, I have surrendered my position. I have waved the white flag, admitted that civilian poontang was my Waterloo. I apologetically let loose many an improvised explosive device in her fox hole, and my actions are regrettable. I am currently engaged in intense peace negotiations with my military spouse of 37 years, and am hoping for a truce but I have an inkling my actions have only created my own little DMZ. Therefore, the Commander-in-Chief, who has never spent one damn fucking day in uniform, acted like a major pussy and accepted my resignation. What a pud. Me? Well, I’m a SCUD stud!”

Way to acoustically jam her, General.

Concession Speechless

Now that Mitt Romney is a footnote in presidential campaign history, more info is coming out about his last few hours of his campaign. For example, he didn’t have a concession speech prepared–and it showed. Turns out, he believed the swill that was coming out of the right wing noise machine, and didn’t feel it was necessary to compose TWO speeches. We’ve all seen his concession speech–I use it as an insomnia cure by playing it on a loop with “Lawrence of Arabia.” He probably composed that little ditty on a spare pair of magic knickers whilst the Secret Service was high-tailing it out of there, and whilst Ann was cancelling campaign workers’ credit cards. Luckily, we have a copy of his, ahem, “victory” speech for our viewing pleasure.

Now, my fave part of this whole shock and awe that has hit the Romney campaign is the fact that the President Romney transition website went live for a short while yesterday. Nice to know that he was really planning on fucking over people by getting rid of the ACA, or by cutting it so much that you probably would lose your house if you got castrophically ill and your regular insurance wouldn’t cover your treatment. Yeah, he’s a real fucking patriot, and it’s so presidential to actually want to fuck over half the country.

(courtesy techpresident.com)

He paid $25k for it too.

(courtesy politicalwire.com)

I have some friends who voted for Romney and I am sorry for their loss. I do and don’t get why they voted for him, just like I’m sure they feel the same way about me and my vote. While Obama ain’t perfect, he’s the one who will keep this country moving onward by not fucking over women, minorities, and the poor with archaic policies that will be headed up by folks like Allen West (“Secy of Defense”) and John Bolton (Secy of State). Of course, those are satirical choices, maybe these are closer to the truth. But, the idea of Scott Walker makes me realize that maybe these possibilities are Onion-esque too.

Only time will tell. You can find me at the bar if you need me.