We Need a New Plague

Apparently, the last vestiges of a particular plague are finished with Congress.

Jim DeMint (R-SC)

Jim DeMint (R-SC)

I’m not here to write about politics because I just got out of my padded cell due to good behavior, and writing about the cacophony that is our Legislative Branch would send me right back to face-biting territory.

Who knew that Newton Minow‘s words he uttered back in the 60s would still resonate today? Was Minow clairvoyant enough to realize that reality tee vee would be the beginning of the end for society? Is he in cahoots with those wascally Mayans?

I believe he is and I present to you a few examples of the modern-day “vast wasteland.”

“Neat Freaks” coming soon to TLC. I watched an episode of this show and it made me want to never, ever clean anything ever again. Ever. Nope. Not gonna. What it did make me was very sad. The people featured have serious issues with, well, everything. My fave was the personal trainer who told a prospective love interest that he would spray her body with hydrogen peroxide before they got “intimate.” Seriously–I’d leave both kinds of skid marks getting away from that loon.

“Amish Mafia” hasn’t aired yet, but will debut on Dec. 12th, and I can’t wait.

Hmm..something about having a Don named “Lebanon Levi” doesn’t exactly strike the fear of God into me. The Moses beard and woolen socks aren’t the same as lizard skin loafers, pinky rings stacked on stubby digits and having several severed heads in bowling bags. To me, he’s the farm community tough you call when you discover that the shady farrier didn’t put enough nails in Stumblebum’s shoes and he needs to be taught a lesson with a rasp. There’s Levi’s right hand guy, Alvin the Chipmunk who’s the muscle. Oh and the Henry Hill (not Sicilian) of the group, Jolin (Mennonite) carries about punishments willy-nilly since he’s not pure Amish and therefore, not subject to their laws.

I’ll be tuning in to see just how tough this Mafia is, but if there isn’t at least one killing over some barn raising shenanigans then I’m done.

I’ve watched about 3 episodes of this show, and all I’ve got is: Imagine the smell.

What the entire fuck? I couldn’t get past the beards and the idea that they smell like a combo platter of animal guts, chew, dirty/diseased pussy, moonshine and wood smoke.

Shows like “Duck Dynasty” tell me that tee vee development execs have given up on ever producing anything worthwhile because the American public learned years ago to eat the shit we’re given politely with a knife and fork. All of the good stuff is on cable anyway … hey… wait .. a damn..minute…

I remember reading something once upon a time as to why shows like the ones listed above are so popular–people can relate to the folks featured. Really? You can relate to people who are third-rate philosophers, sex tape producers and are afraid of what happens when you mix soap and water together? Oh Moses smell the duck-gut soaked roses folks, it’s reprogramming time!

Oh and these shows are super cheap to produce, plus there are some folks walking among the intelligent who believe the whole 15 Minutes of Fame rumor. Sadly, these folks are tee vee execs who have the creativity of a car battery.

Finally, for those of you who are mourning the impending doom of “The Jersey Shore”, you have this to look forward to.

Basically, MTV took the spooge/cheap liquor/tanning oil-soaked cast and rednecked ‘em up a scosch and plopped them down in the middle of the set of Deliverance 2.0. but this time with inbreeding, moonshine, ATVs, dorks and illiteracy. Talk about a huge shit sandwich. Perhaps MTV should changed its name to Shit TV since they no longer play music vidyas. Knowing how the viewing public is, “Buck Wild” is sure to be a huge hit.

The slide down crap mountain continues.

 

 

 

 

27 thoughts on “We Need a New Plague

  1. “I couldn’t get past the beards and the idea that they smell like a combo platter of animal guts, chew, dirty/diseased pussy, moonshine and wood smoke.”

    I love you even more for this. You dug deep, my friend. This is keeper!

  2. Ya know, we should set up our own little syndicate, kidnap some of those clean freaks, and let ‘em loose on our homes. God knows my place would not only benefit many times over, but I’m sure the cleaner would have a heart-attack from the finely-aged hairballs maneuvering up and down the stairs!
    I really want to catch one, BUT ONLY ONE, episode of the so-called “Amish Mafia”. Writing up a list of all that’s incorrect with the show should take me DECADES – unless I wimp out and just scrawl “ALL BS” on a sheet of paper. (Something tells me that last choice is WAY too close to the truth to even be funny.)
    So where were the keepin’ ya in the wrap-around jacket? I always enjoyed Elgin State Mental Hospital/. You know, the one that’s surrounded by signs along the roads saying “Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers”. I always wanted one of those signs, but never got one. Though I did once see a guy with his hood up on his car, looking like he needed a ride. The best part? The car was a Caprice, in the livery of the Illinois State Police! (Don’t worry, I refrained from pulling up and yelling “I’d love to help you, sir, but you might be a lunatic!” Police in Illinois have VERY small senses of humour – except in Elk Grove Village! :D )

    • Elgin State Mental Hospital has been closed for quite some time now. My parents used to use that place as a threat–behave or we’re gonna drop you off there! (we lived in a nearby town).

      • Elgin State CLOSED?!? NOOOOOOO!!!! ;)
        Actually, there was a really cool military surplus store just south of there – used to go by the place all the time. Prior to that, we went past on Lake Street (US20) to get to Lee Wards’ crafting outlet. (Sigh.) So many good memories wrapped up in a screwball school, a dipstick depot, a …..
        What? I’m not being politically correct? Dude, I PROGRAM PCs I don’t TALK PC! :D

  3. This post was so good I would have to say it is fucktacular!! My gut hurts from laughing so much and I have tears rolling down my face!

    Did you hear Barbra Walters has named Honey Boo Boo as one of her “Most Interesting” of 2012?? WTF??

  4. I don’t get it. You hate this stuff, but you go ahead and watch it. I think you’re addicted and you’re constantly in need of the fix of the gnarly. The closest I come to tuning into any of this drek is when I read blogger-buds like you that write about it. I attended a meeting with a vendor today who brought up Honey Boo Boo. My boss, refinement incarnate, was baffled. She turned to me and asked sotto voce, “What’s this ‘Honey Boo Boo’ show he’s talking about?” I said, “If you tuned in, it would be renamed, ‘In Ten Seconds an Aneurysm’. You’re pure. Stay that way.”

Push it out, shove it out, waaaaay out...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s