Five Things-Montana Edition: 4/17/14

If Montana ain’t careful, it’s gonna become the next Florida.

Case in point–

1)

Police: Suspect licks officer’s eye during arrest

(via The Montana Standard)

(via the Montana Standard)

(via the Montana Standard)

“A Walkerville man is accused of licking a police officer’s eye during his arrest.

Christopher Nicholas Hiatt, 34, is in jail on a felony charge of assault on a peace officer and misdemeanor charges of assault with a bodily fluid, criminal contempt and probation violation.”

Ok, what the entire fuck? Hiatt licked a cop’s eyeball? I understand licking a cop’s balls, but his eyeballs? How? Whaa? How did the cops let Hiatt get that close? What’s really going on here?

2) So..wait..is it possible that my Nigerian prince really isn’t a prince?

Fake money traced to Butte man: Counterfeit bills came from man’s Nigerian sweetheart, police say

(via The Montana Standard)

“Fraudulent money sent by a Butte man’s Nigerian sweetheart — whom he met on the Internet — has been traced as the source of some counterfeit bills circulating around town.

This weekend the man, who thought the cash was legitimate, attempted to use fake $100 bills to wire money to his girlfriend. The cash was used at Albertson’s, Walmart and Safeway to purchase money wires to Nigeria.

Police say $900 of the fake money has been recovered. But, they suspect about $3,000 in $100 bills may have been used by the man.”

Oops.

3) I’m so glad someone found my vibrator.

Fish Dildo: Bjørn Frilund, Norwegian Fisherman, Finds Orange Sex Toy In Cod’s Stomach; Maybe A ‘Frustrated Woman On A Cruise’ Threw It Overboard?

(via International Business Tribune)

Screen shot 2014-04-16 at 11.25.31 PM

 

 “Norwegian hobby fisherman Bjørn Frilund was in for a shock when he fileted a 5-pound cod he had just caught and found an orange dildo in the fish’s stomach.

“I was astonished,” Frilund, 64, told the Local, a Norwegian English language website, on Friday. “It was totally unexpected. I had never seen anything like this before.”

While it’s unclear how the sex toy became a meal for the cod, Frilund has a theory: “a frustrated woman on a cruise” chucked the dildo off a ship in the nearby Barents Sea and the fish mistook the sex toy for the fish’s typical prey.”

I may be frustrated, but I’m NOT that frustrated.  More importantly, I’d never toss a perfectly good dildo away.

Side note: “Fish Dildo” is a GREAT band name.

 

4) I wanna put my mouth on this.

Celebrate Easter with the bacon Easter egg

(via UPI/Odd News)

(via @TheEvilChris /Twitter)

(via @TheEvilChris /Twitter)

 

5) Turn it up. LOUD.

Five Things-The Boobs Edition: 4/16/14

1) I’m so glad misogyny is still a thing.

 

2) I went to this the other night. It was spectacular.

I love John Doe’s voice, so much so I told him afterwards at the merch table. He blushed and smiled. Said he liked my freckles. Bought a t-shirt from him. Met Dave Alvin too, made him laugh.

He sang this.

 

3) I’m thinkin’ that MAYBE they should make these machines a little less accessible to tots.

Nebraska toddler gets stuck inside ‘Bear Claw’ toy machine at bowling alley

(Via UPI)

“LINCOLN, Neb., April 16 (UPI) – A Nebraska 3-year-old who escaped from his mother’s Lincoln apartment was discovered at a nearby bowling alley, but he wasn’t interested in rolling 10 frames.

Kael Ireland was found inside the “Bear Claw” machine at Madsen’s Bowling & Billiards after he somehow wandered into the establishment and crawled up the game’s prize slot so he could play with the toys inside.”


The photo is priceless. The kid just looks so damn happy, so I says just leave him there. 

 

4) So, in India, public defecation is a huge problem. What, you say? Believe it or not, there aren’t enough toilets to service a billion people, so out-in-the-open-dumps are a thing.
Until now.

Indian officials and UNICEF are working hard at getting the message across to the world’s largest democracy that public pooping is kinda gross, not to mention completely unsanitary.

Enter the Poo2Loo program. Of course, there’s a vidya explaining why public-loaf-pinching is a bad thing.

 

5) I don’t see mahself getting sick of this song any time soon.

 

Five Things-The Ping Edition: 4/14/14

1) Oh for fuck’s sake..they’re never gonna find that fucking plane.

It’s gone. Vapor. Too bad Malaysia lacked the balls to handle this whole mess correctly from the beginning. No wonder Al Qaida loves it there–y’all are clueless.

All of the possible runways long enough to support a Triple 7. (via NorthShoreJournal.org)

All of the possible runways long enough to support a Triple 7. (via NorthShoreJournal.org)

As much as I’d like to think the crew and passengers are safe, they’re not. It’s heartbreaking, and the families didn’t have to go through this shit storm.

 

2) One thing I’ve discovered is that if you get enough coffee in me, I can sing just like Carly Simon. True story.

 

3) Update to number 2: Add pot with the coffee, and I can sing just like Carol Channing.

 

4) One of the fun things about being a writer is if anyone fucks with you, you can write about it. Put it down on paper, in blog, book, or even on the bathroom wall. One doesn’t have to write it out verbatim which is nice. Plus, writing it out word-for-word could land you in court. I had this happen to me recently–being verbally berated for being me. I honestly don’t know where it came from, and I’ll admit it stung a bit.

Kinda like a kick to the tits when they’re sore–you know, like right before menses starts.

I told a few friends that being called fat and ugly wouldn’t have hurt so much.

However, almost as quickly as it entered my soul, it left and being the creative type that I am, I immediately wrote it all down for future use. It’s been put in the holster and will surface at the primo moment.

Until then, anything you want to say to me, g’head and mail it to my ass.

 

5) It’s PROBABLY not a good idea to fuck with an airline on Twitter about Al Qaida.

(via NY Daily News)

(via NY Daily News)

It gets better. Really.

(via Uproxx)

(via Uproxx)

 

When they made you dumb, they made you really dumb.

(via Uproxx)

(via Uproxx)

Five Things: 4/13/14-Spring Thaw Edition

Spring has sprung, so I guess I’m back. I’ve been writing nothing but news stories so writing fun stuff is strange to me right now. Oh but never fear: My wit will return.

What’s been going on? Much.

1) HAVE A PIECE  OF PHYSICAL THERAPY PIE. Physical therapy and more physical therapy. For those just tuning in, I’m getting intensive PT to help repair my shoulder after severely dislocating it back before the first Polar Vortex in January. I had to let it heal for a few months which meant no physical exercise at all. The one thing I learned through all of this is how much falling down the el station stairs, popping my shoulder out so far that it I could scratch my ankle without bending over,  AND spending six hours in a dank ER, is how much of a huge-as-fuck-hit my self-esteem took. Couple that with the bone-chilling, ass-crack cold we experienced, and you’re looking at 13-year old me. You know the type–teenage girl with serious braces, a tight, curly perm, GREEN EYE SHADOW, pervy-dude-attracting-boobs and the personality of well, grass.

Where was I going with this? I dunno, but I do know this: PT is brutal and I’m an old fart.

 

2) She’s BACK.

“Get the government out of my fuckin’ snatch.”

and…

 

3) Sometimes I think living in Colorado wouldn’t be so bad. Via UPI.

Pot vending machine to debut

I have a feeling that Colorado is gonna lose that “One of The Mostest Fittest States in the Union” moniker since munchies are such a huge part of partaking in doobage. Don’t believe me? Ok. Just watch.

 

4) Aaaaaaand then sometimes I think living in Colorado would suck. Lemme preface this by saying it’s the middle of April.

Spring storm shuts down stretches of I-70

 

5) Finally, I’m seriously considering doing this.

 

 

Five Things-The Polar Vortex Edition: 1/28/14

Well, I’ve reached my winter weight. Wanna know how and why?

1) THIS–

photo (1)

 

See, the Polar Vortex has told us to get bent, and I did during my commute the other day. I spent 10 minutes on the Metra platform waiting for the train and how did I entertain myself? By watching the track crews use a mini-flamethrower to thaw out the switches on the track. The Union Pacific workers looked like they would’ve preferred a railroad spike to the back of the noggin than dealing with the ball-freezing wind.

It’s so damn cold out that I can’t exercise. Tis a titch too cold for a dip in Lake Michigan, see. Plus, the gyms around here blow donk, so no exercise for McCrabby…at least not for another week or so.

In short, this is the shittiest winter ever…. so far. I can’t do it anymore so I quit.

2) Here’s where I’ll be spending my newfound free time.

photo

 

For you serfs who don’t know any better, Cruz Bay is on St. John, and St. John is part of the USVI, or United States Virgin Islands. It’s one of my fave places to go to in the Caribbean. I can’t wait to sip Cruzan Rum whilst watching the hermit crab races after witnessing the green flash as the sun sets over the Caribbean. When I’m done with that bit of entertainment, I’ll take my top off and run through the streets of Cruz Bay.

One of the many great things about St. John is the entire island is a national park so there aren’t any private beaches. But, it’s ok to get drunk and flash your boobs too.

3) So the Winter Olympics are coming up and get this–

photo

 

It’s warmer in Sochi, Russia than it is in Chicago. That ain’t right. But then again, Sochi is considered the tropical resort town of Russia, so it totally makes sense to have the Winter Olympics there, right?

4) Ahem.

photo (3)Bite me, Alaska.

5) This song makes me think of the beach, the tropics, the sand..men with surfboards..

Enjoy!

(pardon the cheesiness of this vidya..it was the best recording though)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just in time for Valentine’s Day …

For those who want to eat ass, without actually eating ass…

I present The Edible Anus!

Now, you too can eat ass that is not only tasty, but is free of that troublesome fecal matter.

Screen shot 2014-01-16 at 9.57.23 AM

 

This is a most tasty treat, it’s probably as good as crack too! Just remember that after eating, you wipe your mouth very carefully, then wipe it one more time…front to back. Ingredients include ‘traces of nuts and milk protein’… and probably corn.

If you don’t buy ‘em, you’re a butthole bigot.

But in all fairness, it probably tastes like ass though.

And on that note, I’m off. I’m a little behind in my day, so toodles!

(h/t to Brian, Amy, Lori, Leigh, Pete, Elliot, Bob and the Internets for inspiration.)

Five Things that need to go buh-bye in ’14–Part 1

Well, the Earth has almost completed another lap around the Sun, which means it’s time for those insipid lists filled with trends/people/places/things the writers don’t wish to see in the next year.

I’m one of those people, but I’m much more fun and interesting. So, you’ll read it and fucking enjoy it, mmkay?

1) OPEN LETTERS. Oh for fuck’s sake, these have got to stop. To me, they’re nothing more than public masturbation in letterform jizzed out onto social media.

The Insufferable: Miley Cyrus and Sufjan Stevens. (photo via E! Online)

The Insufferables: Miley Cyrus and Sufjan Stevens. (photo via E! Online)

Hate to break it to all you open-letter writers–and would-be ones too–no one gives a red rat’s ass about your letter’s message. Those star-fuckers who do give a shit about these letters and insist on reposting them, seriously, y’all need to get a life. I highly doubt that the celebs involved care about you, all they want is the free publicity. Also, all these poorly written, thought-out missives do is clog up our Facebook and Twitter feeds.

I hate ‘em for the reasons I mentioned, and because they slow down my route to free porn.

2) Phrases…Here are a few that come to mind.

“Faith in humanity restored.” I’ve seen this a lot on social media, and it’s usually tagged to a story about some kid doing something profound like stopping a speeding train after his mom mowed the lawn, or a dog walking to the moon, or a bomb being stopped by a brunette wielding a tree branch … you get the idea. When I see those 4 holier-than-thou words, I feel stabby, and I don’t like feeling stabby. The writer’s insisting that you find whatever words or images he or she has carefully crafted or uploaded from the Internets, better than everything ever. If that shit ain’t happening in my living room, then my faith ain’t leaving my house.

“______, go home, you’re drunk.” This wasn’t funny or clever the first time, and unlike some wines, it doesn’t get better with age. Next.

“______ just won the Internet!” No, you didn’t. You didn’t win dick. Shut the hell up.

“Said no one … ever.” Do I need to elaborate?

“Just sayin’.” Yep, you sound like an illiterate buffoon when you add that little turd to the end of any sentence or phrase.

This is a nice segue to my next point.

3) Those who are easily *offended*. These folks are tiresome. If they don’t like something or if they don’t agree with something or someone, then that person’s offended–as if saying you’re offended gives you more rights than those of us who, gosh, know how to deal in society. There are folks who actually believe the offended ones have more rights…um, I’m gonna have to slap a big fat NO on y’all. Sadly, the offended ones have great PR machines. (Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, those offended by the so-called ‘war on Christmas’ and Christianity, etc.)

Ricky Gervais feels the same way:

“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”

Being offended all of the damn time makes you a whiner, by the way.

But, if you’re going out of your way to offend people, then you’re just an asshole.

Here’s what I do if I find I’m offended by something (which rarely happens), I either change the channel, turn the page, turn off the tee vee, walk away or click off the page. See, I get that there are lots of folks out there with different opinions, and I listen to a lot of those opinions. It’s part of who I am–I welcome them–to a point. I like to hear what people have to say, and try to figure out how they arrived at their opinions. Plus, it’s part of my job.

4) Enough with selfies, twerking, making stupidity something to strive for, duck-face photos…

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

Here’s a double-whammy: A duck-face selfie. Careful, it may leave a mark.

(via DigitalTrends.com)

(via DigitalTrends.com)

5) Ok, I had to take a sedative after posting that last item. When God made ugly, he really made ugly. Damn.

Finally,  a word on paleo diets. You ain’t eating paleo unless you’re living in a cave with a simian-esque dude named Thak sporting a loin cloth.

Also, when I think paleo, I think Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. How could I not think of him?

Five Things: 12/5/13

Gosh, it’s gonna be a balmy 18 degrees today in Chicago..down considerably from the upper-50s we had yesterday. Welcome to winter, now bend over.

1) SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION TIME: The app I’ve been working on for the past few months goes LIVE today. It’ll be available for FREE on iTunes for iPad and iPhone. Android’ll happen in early ’14. This is a very cool app, folks. It’s like Pandora/Spotify but for news. Yes, you can customize the news you want to hear. Right now, we’re mainly Chicago-centric, BUT we do national and world stories. Soon, we’ll be moving to Dallas, LA and the rest of the major markets.
The best part? You’ll get to hear my dulcet tones–especially later today AND this weekend.

2) Oh, for fuck’s sake, CNN, get it RIGHT. You’re a frickin’ media company with some pretty smart people working there (supposedly). How difficult is it to check your work?

(via Media Matter for America)

(via Media Matter for America)

None of this would’ve happened had they hired ME some four years ago.

Yes, I’m that good.

3) Could English pig jizz be the answer to China’s problems? Well, for some of them anyway. (via the Guardian)

UK and China agree £45m pig semen export deal

Environment secretary Owen Paterson says he has also begun negotiations to export pigs’ trotters to China
I’ll translate. Chinese pigs aren’t that great–they suck, in fact–so the Chinese are seeking the help of Brit pigs and their super sperm to make the Chinese ones better.
Or, you can just read about it here.
Side note: UK porcine semen is an excellent name for a punk band filled with has-beens, OR for an ’80s tribute band.
4) Couple of things here…why would any woman want to become a virgin again? Why? Because losing your virginity was so much fun the first time? Give me a break. You know it sucked, so why go through it again? Y’all do realize there are some ethnic groups in this world that cut up the whoo-haas of young girls to make sure they remain a virgin, right? ‘Tis a little thing called genital mutilation. It’s forced too.
Second, I don’t know if this is real, but it’s fucking funny.
Screen shot 2013-12-05 at 7.39.49 AM
For those of you gals who like a challenge, and are all about reliving your youth, but not in the typical way, this may be for you.
5) One of my muses. Enjoy.

 

Five Things: 11/22/13

No preamble today, so let’s dive in.

1) I mean, really..why NOT make a 5 1/2 hour film about self-loathing and sexual addiction? Wait, it’s been cut down to 4 hours because it, um, isn’t quite marketable. Odd for a director to give up final cut of any film. Really. It is.

Now, I’m not a Von Trier fan at all, and yes, I’ve seen all of his films because for a while there, I was considering cutting off my lady bits with garden shears. I needed to watch a ‘how to’ vid.

What’s really special about this week is the trailer for “Nymphomanic” was released. And, well..just have a look-see.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Von Trier’s editor’s in rehab now.

2) So much for the days of yore when kids would play games like kick-the-can, freeze tag and if they had a pool, Marco Polo. It appears the game du jour is the ‘knockout’ game.

It’s pretty simple really. A kid, usually a teenage boy, runs up on some random stranger on the street and knocks ‘em out cold with a punch to the head. That’s all. No robbery, no other type of assault–just a punch–and boom, the victim hits the ground with a thud.

Glad to see that society continues to slide down crap mountain.

3) I get it, you can’t afford to go skiing this year. Sorry about that. But, YOU can fool your friends into thinking you snow-plowed on the bunny hill by doing this….

(via the Daily Mail)

Are they taking the piste? Wearing goggles in tanning booth for ‘fake ski tan’ effect is bizarre new beauty trend

‘Tis true. We’re close to bottoming out as a society, folks. When someone is willing to be a melanoma poster child as an attempt to impress people who probably don’t give a shit about them, it’s time to re-evaluate your life. At this point, you’re just a shell of a person.

Kim Kardashian. Of course. (via the Daily Mail)

Kim Kardashian. Of course. (via the Daily Mail)

Exactly.

4) The people of Stonehenge. (via various)

Screen shot 2013-11-22 at 11.17.00 AM

Screen shot 2013-11-22 at 11.16.37 AM

Screen shot 2013-11-22 at 11.19.52 AMScreen shot 2013-11-22 at 11.19.33 AM

 

I no longer feel the need to bathe.

5) Finally, for those extreme Oprah fans, there’s this little gem.

An Oprah for all sizes! (via Awesomely Luvvie)

An Oprah for all sizes! (via Awesomely Luvvie)

FYI, I’d totally wear the Gene Simmons one though.

Read more about it here.

Five Things: 11/12/13

1) I never thought that having a part-time news producing gig would turn me into a big sack of goo at the end of the day. But it has, and that’s a good thing. I can finally talk a bit about what I’m working on, and I must admit, it’s smashing.

If you’re interested, check out the site-in-progress. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to hear my dulcet tones reporting on allll sorts of goings-on and shenanigans.

I learned the hard way that I have a face for radio. Trust me, you don’t wanna see my mug. You’ll be scarred for life.

The app goes live on iTunes on December 3rd. For those of you who own iPhones and iPads, you can get the app for FREE FREE FREEE then. For Android users, you’ll have to wait a bit longer.

Stay tuned.

2) “I’m doin’ it for my kids.” Seems innocent enough, yes? You have a family. A mortgage, maybe a pet or two. Since families can be expensive, it’s best if both parents work, right?

(via GossipCenter)

(via GossipCenter)

Well, one would think this would be a good idea…yes.
Looks like the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Tito Ortiz is returning to her former-career: Fucking on camera for shit-tons of money.

(via TeresAmerica.Blogspot)

(via TeresAmerica.Blogspot)

 

But, wait..if memory serves, didn’t Ms. Jameson spew at the 2008 AVN Awards that:

“I’ll never, ever, ever spread my legs again in this industry. Ever.”

Why? Well, she needs to support her family. Yes, I know that’s the reason she gave as to WHY she was leaving the skin-flick trade, but now she’s come full circle.
What a good mommy. Hope she kicked that boozin’ and drivin’ habit. And Tito.

3) Apparently, toilet paper isn’t enough for some folks. OR, some folks are so fucking lazy that they don’t know how to properly wipe their poo-covered evil eye, so some genius invented these:

(via Amazon.com)

(via Amazon.com)

I shit you not. They’re REAL.

You know, I’m not gonna go into it. For more info, just click here. If you like ‘em, I don’t want to hear about it. Same goes for if you use ‘em.

Of course, there’s a video.

4) Wanna know when you’re gonna take a dirt nap forever? Then buy this alarm clock. It’ll tell you when you’re gonna die every morning. That’s a good enough reason to get out of bed, unless today’s the day. Then, just lie there and wait for Death to spirit you away.

I’ve had a chance to ponder this and I think it’s brilliant! Imagine–alarm clock says you’re set to die in a week. What to do, what to do ….Hmmm..rubs chin..picks nose.. Maybe a crime spree? A drinking/meth binge? Run nekkid through your office and pee on your boss? Maybe diddle your boss or his/her spouse and FILM IT? Think about it–the possibilities are ENDLESS.

Via The Verge.

Alarmclock wakes you up with the time you’ll die

You’re welcome.

5) Oh, and here’s your 1980′s ear worm. Believe me, this hurts me more than it hurts you, but you must learn and that’s that.

Next time, just put the damn lotion in the basket, and you won’t be subjected to cheeeezeh listenin’ tunes.