Five Things-The Ping Edition: 4/14/14

1) Oh for fuck’s sake..they’re never gonna find that fucking plane.

It’s gone. Vapor. Too bad Malaysia lacked the balls to handle this whole mess correctly from the beginning. No wonder Al Qaida loves it there–y’all are clueless.

All of the possible runways long enough to support a Triple 7. (via NorthShoreJournal.org)

All of the possible runways long enough to support a Triple 7. (via NorthShoreJournal.org)

As much as I’d like to think the crew and passengers are safe, they’re not. It’s heartbreaking, and the families didn’t have to go through this shit storm.

 

2) One thing I’ve discovered is that if you get enough coffee in me, I can sing just like Carly Simon. True story.

 

3) Update to number 2: Add pot with the coffee, and I can sing just like Carol Channing.

 

4) One of the fun things about being a writer is if anyone fucks with you, you can write about it. Put it down on paper, in blog, book, or even on the bathroom wall. One doesn’t have to write it out verbatim which is nice. Plus, writing it out word-for-word could land you in court. I had this happen to me recently–being verbally berated for being me. I honestly don’t know where it came from, and I’ll admit it stung a bit.

Kinda like a kick to the tits when they’re sore–you know, like right before menses starts.

I told a few friends that being called fat and ugly wouldn’t have hurt so much.

However, almost as quickly as it entered my soul, it left and being the creative type that I am, I immediately wrote it all down for future use. It’s been put in the holster and will surface at the primo moment.

Until then, anything you want to say to me, g’head and mail it to my ass.

 

5) It’s PROBABLY not a good idea to fuck with an airline on Twitter about Al Qaida.

(via NY Daily News)

(via NY Daily News)

It gets better. Really.

(via Uproxx)

(via Uproxx)

 

When they made you dumb, they made you really dumb.

(via Uproxx)

(via Uproxx)

Five Things: 4/13/14-Spring Thaw Edition

Spring has sprung, so I guess I’m back. I’ve been writing nothing but news stories so writing fun stuff is strange to me right now. Oh but never fear: My wit will return.

What’s been going on? Much.

1) HAVE A PIECE  OF PHYSICAL THERAPY PIE. Physical therapy and more physical therapy. For those just tuning in, I’m getting intensive PT to help repair my shoulder after severely dislocating it back before the first Polar Vortex in January. I had to let it heal for a few months which meant no physical exercise at all. The one thing I learned through all of this is how much falling down the el station stairs, popping my shoulder out so far that it I could scratch my ankle without bending over,  AND spending six hours in a dank ER, is how much of a huge-as-fuck-hit my self-esteem took. Couple that with the bone-chilling, ass-crack cold we experienced, and you’re looking at 13-year old me. You know the type–teenage girl with serious braces, a tight, curly perm, GREEN EYE SHADOW, pervy-dude-attracting-boobs and the personality of well, grass.

Where was I going with this? I dunno, but I do know this: PT is brutal and I’m an old fart.

 

2) She’s BACK.

“Get the government out of my fuckin’ snatch.”

and…

 

3) Sometimes I think living in Colorado wouldn’t be so bad. Via UPI.

Pot vending machine to debut

I have a feeling that Colorado is gonna lose that “One of The Mostest Fittest States in the Union” moniker since munchies are such a huge part of partaking in doobage. Don’t believe me? Ok. Just watch.

 

4) Aaaaaaand then sometimes I think living in Colorado would suck. Lemme preface this by saying it’s the middle of April.

Spring storm shuts down stretches of I-70

 

5) Finally, I’m seriously considering doing this.

 

 

Just in time for Valentine’s Day …

For those who want to eat ass, without actually eating ass…

I present The Edible Anus!

Now, you too can eat ass that is not only tasty, but is free of that troublesome fecal matter.

Screen shot 2014-01-16 at 9.57.23 AM

 

This is a most tasty treat, it’s probably as good as crack too! Just remember that after eating, you wipe your mouth very carefully, then wipe it one more time…front to back. Ingredients include ‘traces of nuts and milk protein’… and probably corn.

If you don’t buy ‘em, you’re a butthole bigot.

But in all fairness, it probably tastes like ass though.

And on that note, I’m off. I’m a little behind in my day, so toodles!

(h/t to Brian, Amy, Lori, Leigh, Pete, Elliot, Bob and the Internets for inspiration.)

Five Things that need to go buh-bye in ’14–Part 1

Well, the Earth has almost completed another lap around the Sun, which means it’s time for those insipid lists filled with trends/people/places/things the writers don’t wish to see in the next year.

I’m one of those people, but I’m much more fun and interesting. So, you’ll read it and fucking enjoy it, mmkay?

1) OPEN LETTERS. Oh for fuck’s sake, these have got to stop. To me, they’re nothing more than public masturbation in letterform jizzed out onto social media.

The Insufferable: Miley Cyrus and Sufjan Stevens. (photo via E! Online)

The Insufferables: Miley Cyrus and Sufjan Stevens. (photo via E! Online)

Hate to break it to all you open-letter writers–and would-be ones too–no one gives a red rat’s ass about your letter’s message. Those star-fuckers who do give a shit about these letters and insist on reposting them, seriously, y’all need to get a life. I highly doubt that the celebs involved care about you, all they want is the free publicity. Also, all these poorly written, thought-out missives do is clog up our Facebook and Twitter feeds.

I hate ‘em for the reasons I mentioned, and because they slow down my route to free porn.

2) Phrases…Here are a few that come to mind.

“Faith in humanity restored.” I’ve seen this a lot on social media, and it’s usually tagged to a story about some kid doing something profound like stopping a speeding train after his mom mowed the lawn, or a dog walking to the moon, or a bomb being stopped by a brunette wielding a tree branch … you get the idea. When I see those 4 holier-than-thou words, I feel stabby, and I don’t like feeling stabby. The writer’s insisting that you find whatever words or images he or she has carefully crafted or uploaded from the Internets, better than everything ever. If that shit ain’t happening in my living room, then my faith ain’t leaving my house.

“______, go home, you’re drunk.” This wasn’t funny or clever the first time, and unlike some wines, it doesn’t get better with age. Next.

“______ just won the Internet!” No, you didn’t. You didn’t win dick. Shut the hell up.

“Said no one … ever.” Do I need to elaborate?

“Just sayin’.” Yep, you sound like an illiterate buffoon when you add that little turd to the end of any sentence or phrase.

This is a nice segue to my next point.

3) Those who are easily *offended*. These folks are tiresome. If they don’t like something or if they don’t agree with something or someone, then that person’s offended–as if saying you’re offended gives you more rights than those of us who, gosh, know how to deal in society. There are folks who actually believe the offended ones have more rights…um, I’m gonna have to slap a big fat NO on y’all. Sadly, the offended ones have great PR machines. (Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, those offended by the so-called ‘war on Christmas’ and Christianity, etc.)

Ricky Gervais feels the same way:

“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”

Being offended all of the damn time makes you a whiner, by the way.

But, if you’re going out of your way to offend people, then you’re just an asshole.

Here’s what I do if I find I’m offended by something (which rarely happens), I either change the channel, turn the page, turn off the tee vee, walk away or click off the page. See, I get that there are lots of folks out there with different opinions, and I listen to a lot of those opinions. It’s part of who I am–I welcome them–to a point. I like to hear what people have to say, and try to figure out how they arrived at their opinions. Plus, it’s part of my job.

4) Enough with selfies, twerking, making stupidity something to strive for, duck-face photos…

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

(via RubberDuckFace.com)

Here’s a double-whammy: A duck-face selfie. Careful, it may leave a mark.

(via DigitalTrends.com)

(via DigitalTrends.com)

5) Ok, I had to take a sedative after posting that last item. When God made ugly, he really made ugly. Damn.

Finally,  a word on paleo diets. You ain’t eating paleo unless you’re living in a cave with a simian-esque dude named Thak sporting a loin cloth.

Also, when I think paleo, I think Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. How could I not think of him?

Five Things: 12/9/13

Winter’s here in Chicago, and in Texas too. Texans are getting nailed with that cold, white stuff from the heavens above. I have a feeling God is trying to tell those in charge in Texas to stop being such dooooshes when it comes to women, minorities, gun laws, voting rights, global warming, public education..sheesh..I could go on and on about what’s the matter with Texas. But I won’t.

Instead, here’s what I have in the hopper for y’all.

1) I had to go to the Miami Herald to learn what day it is in Illinois. You know..the state where I hail from and currently reside.

Gov. declares ‘Mike Ditka Day,’ honors ‘Da Coach’

Even if you aren’t a football fan, you should know who he is. Yes, really.

“Gov. Pat Quinn’s office says Monday that he’s declared it “Mike Ditka Day” in honor of the former Chicago Bears player and football coach whose jersey is being retired.

The Hall of Famer’s No. 89 is being retired during a halftime ceremony Monday night when the Bears host the Dallas Cowboys.

Dikta is the 14th Bear to have his number retired by the team.

In a statement, Quinn calls Ditka “the best tight end of all time.” And he says “Da Coach” “molded and guided arguably the best football team,” referring to the 1985 Super Bowl champs.

Ditka was drafted by the Bears in 1961 and played for the team through 1966. He returned to coach from 1982 until 1992.” 

Gotta hand it to the AP (and the MH for printing it) for writing perhaps the dullest tome ever.

This compilation is so much more fun.

He may be an asshole, but he’s OUR asshole. On a side note, I’m still pissed at him for not letting Sweetness score a TD in the Superbowl. Grrr.

But, he kinda makes for it here.

Love how he calls him “Waldur.”

2) Sometimes I wonder about people. I really do. How fucking stupid do you have to be to NOT NOTICE A MAN ASLEEP ON AN EMPTY AIRPLANE? (via FirstCoastNews.com)

Man falls asleep on flight making connection in Houston; wakes up in dark, empty plane

What I alluded to earlier …

“I said, ‘Don’t put the blame on me. I didn’t do anything wrong here.’ And then they were, like, try to hush-hush, keep it quiet. And they gave me this little package here in a motel room.”

United Express is investigating how this could this happen. Once in Houston, no one bothered to wake up Wagner — not a passenger, flight attendant or pilot. So, he slept.

“They didn’t sweep the plane,” Wagner said. “I mean, who shut the door?”

United Airlines, or whatever the name is these days, is one of the many reasons why we can’t have nice things.

3) I could go on and on about Nelson Mandela, and how he was (and always will be) so important to the future of the human race, but I won’t. So much has been said about him that my words would pale in comparison. However, I will say this: I can’t imagine a world without Mandela. I’ve never known another type of world.

4) This doesn’t suck. Now, if ESPN could get rid of the smarmy on-air talent. Hmm..come to think of it, that could be disastrous since all of their anchors/reporters, etc. are all about the smarm. This begs the question–why are most sports reporters so fucking smarmy? Anyone know?

5) Move over post-partum depression, here comes post-nuptial depression.

Jordan Graham Trial: Did Her Wedding Blues Lead to Murder?

To recap..Jordan Graham has been accused of murdering her new hubby on their honeymoon. She allegedly blindfolded him then pushed him off a Glacier National Park cliff back in July. After the incident, she displayed a bunch of strange behavior which caught the attention of law enforcement.

It’s a weird-as-fuck story.

 

 

 

Five Things: 12/5/13

Gosh, it’s gonna be a balmy 18 degrees today in Chicago..down considerably from the upper-50s we had yesterday. Welcome to winter, now bend over.

1) SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION TIME: The app I’ve been working on for the past few months goes LIVE today. It’ll be available for FREE on iTunes for iPad and iPhone. Android’ll happen in early ’14. This is a very cool app, folks. It’s like Pandora/Spotify but for news. Yes, you can customize the news you want to hear. Right now, we’re mainly Chicago-centric, BUT we do national and world stories. Soon, we’ll be moving to Dallas, LA and the rest of the major markets.
The best part? You’ll get to hear my dulcet tones–especially later today AND this weekend.

2) Oh, for fuck’s sake, CNN, get it RIGHT. You’re a frickin’ media company with some pretty smart people working there (supposedly). How difficult is it to check your work?

(via Media Matter for America)

(via Media Matter for America)

None of this would’ve happened had they hired ME some four years ago.

Yes, I’m that good.

3) Could English pig jizz be the answer to China’s problems? Well, for some of them anyway. (via the Guardian)

UK and China agree £45m pig semen export deal

Environment secretary Owen Paterson says he has also begun negotiations to export pigs’ trotters to China
I’ll translate. Chinese pigs aren’t that great–they suck, in fact–so the Chinese are seeking the help of Brit pigs and their super sperm to make the Chinese ones better.
Or, you can just read about it here.
Side note: UK porcine semen is an excellent name for a punk band filled with has-beens, OR for an ’80s tribute band.
4) Couple of things here…why would any woman want to become a virgin again? Why? Because losing your virginity was so much fun the first time? Give me a break. You know it sucked, so why go through it again? Y’all do realize there are some ethnic groups in this world that cut up the whoo-haas of young girls to make sure they remain a virgin, right? ‘Tis a little thing called genital mutilation. It’s forced too.
Second, I don’t know if this is real, but it’s fucking funny.
Screen shot 2013-12-05 at 7.39.49 AM
For those of you gals who like a challenge, and are all about reliving your youth, but not in the typical way, this may be for you.
5) One of my muses. Enjoy.

 

Five Things: 11/12/13

1) I never thought that having a part-time news producing gig would turn me into a big sack of goo at the end of the day. But it has, and that’s a good thing. I can finally talk a bit about what I’m working on, and I must admit, it’s smashing.

If you’re interested, check out the site-in-progress. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to hear my dulcet tones reporting on allll sorts of goings-on and shenanigans.

I learned the hard way that I have a face for radio. Trust me, you don’t wanna see my mug. You’ll be scarred for life.

The app goes live on iTunes on December 3rd. For those of you who own iPhones and iPads, you can get the app for FREE FREE FREEE then. For Android users, you’ll have to wait a bit longer.

Stay tuned.

2) “I’m doin’ it for my kids.” Seems innocent enough, yes? You have a family. A mortgage, maybe a pet or two. Since families can be expensive, it’s best if both parents work, right?

(via GossipCenter)

(via GossipCenter)

Well, one would think this would be a good idea…yes.
Looks like the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Tito Ortiz is returning to her former-career: Fucking on camera for shit-tons of money.

(via TeresAmerica.Blogspot)

(via TeresAmerica.Blogspot)

 

But, wait..if memory serves, didn’t Ms. Jameson spew at the 2008 AVN Awards that:

“I’ll never, ever, ever spread my legs again in this industry. Ever.”

Why? Well, she needs to support her family. Yes, I know that’s the reason she gave as to WHY she was leaving the skin-flick trade, but now she’s come full circle.
What a good mommy. Hope she kicked that boozin’ and drivin’ habit. And Tito.

3) Apparently, toilet paper isn’t enough for some folks. OR, some folks are so fucking lazy that they don’t know how to properly wipe their poo-covered evil eye, so some genius invented these:

(via Amazon.com)

(via Amazon.com)

I shit you not. They’re REAL.

You know, I’m not gonna go into it. For more info, just click here. If you like ‘em, I don’t want to hear about it. Same goes for if you use ‘em.

Of course, there’s a video.

4) Wanna know when you’re gonna take a dirt nap forever? Then buy this alarm clock. It’ll tell you when you’re gonna die every morning. That’s a good enough reason to get out of bed, unless today’s the day. Then, just lie there and wait for Death to spirit you away.

I’ve had a chance to ponder this and I think it’s brilliant! Imagine–alarm clock says you’re set to die in a week. What to do, what to do ….Hmmm..rubs chin..picks nose.. Maybe a crime spree? A drinking/meth binge? Run nekkid through your office and pee on your boss? Maybe diddle your boss or his/her spouse and FILM IT? Think about it–the possibilities are ENDLESS.

Via The Verge.

Alarmclock wakes you up with the time you’ll die

You’re welcome.

5) Oh, and here’s your 1980′s ear worm. Believe me, this hurts me more than it hurts you, but you must learn and that’s that.

Next time, just put the damn lotion in the basket, and you won’t be subjected to cheeeezeh listenin’ tunes.

 

 

Five-Oh Things-Oh! 10/14/13

Alright, alright, I’m back so y’all can rest your sphincters.

1) It’s time to stop the madness that are Open Letters. First, Sinead sent one to Miley Cyrus for being all slutty, trampy and gauche. Then, I believe another celeb sent one to Ms. Cyrus too, but I don’t care that much to look up who it was.

The latest person to join the fray is Sufjan Stevens.

See, he felt his relevancy slipping, so he decided to send her one too. Celebrities are so insufferable sometimes, you know?

(via Entertainment Weekly)

(via Entertainment Weekly)

When I stopped icing my head that was paining due to all of the eye rolling I was doing about the ridiculous open letter phenom, I found THIS gem. Have I mentioned how much I love my fellow copy editors?

Via Vice.com

DEAR SUFJAN: A COPY EDITOR CORRECTS SUFJAN STEVENS’S OPEN LETTER TO MILEY CYRUS

“Singer-songwriter Sufjan Stevens wrote an open letter to Miley Cyrus, correcting the grammar in her new song, “#GetItRight.” A VICE editor has copy-edited and corrected Sufjan’s letter to Miley, further suggesting some reading he might enjoy.”

‘Tis a thing of beauty.

(via Vice)

(via Vice)

Or, click here for a better view.

2) Hey all you New Jersey GOP folks, you’re about as classy as a fart in church. Wink, wink–I love how you’re telling voters not to vote in the US Senate special election on Wednesday, October 16, but to arrive at the poling places on the 15th. Niiiiice. See, you’re not even doing it correctly–you’re supposed to tell the voters to show up the day after the election. Get it? That’s what y’all have done in the past! They’ll never learn. Just like how they’ll never learn that trickle-down economics won’t, and don’t, work. I’ve been following this race closely and it would behoove the Republican candidate, Steve Lonegan, to change his campaign slogan to “That’s Your Problem, Not Mine” because he really is that big of an asshole. While Democrat Cory Booker will probably win this thing, he might want to stay away from vegan strip clubs.

Gail Collins does a much better job at talking about this election, AND Gov. Christie here.

(Side note: When I grow up, I wanna be Gail Collins.)

3) Like the story says, just go with it. Camel toe knickers for me? Why didn’t I think of that??!?

(via Dangerous Minds)

(via Dangerous Minds)

 

4) It’s all about who you are–on the inside.

Hello Kitty Breast Implants: Because It’s What Inside That Counts

Yes, my three readers, you read that correctly: Hello Kitty Breast Implants. You don’t believe me? Feast your peepers.

(via Incredible Things)

(via Incredible Things)

 

5) Finally, just watch this. It’s hysterical. Make sure the sound is on too, and that you don’t have issues with the heavy Scottish brogue. I’m sure I could translate for you seeing that these are my people–for a price, of course.

You’re welcome.

 

The Jiven’ Five: 10/9/13

Sorry I’ve been so quiet for the past week or so, but I’ve been busy…wait for it…WORKING. Yep, McCrabby managed to land herself a part-time–possibly temporary– gig. I can’t go into details just yet, BUT it does allow me share my gifts of writing, yapping and telling stories. Of course, the bottom could fall out and I’ll be back to keeping the couch down and yelling at kids to stay out of my liquor cabinet.

1) Ok, if I ever spied a man wearing such a tie, I’d have him arrested. This just screams douchebag.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

Apparently, this new fangled neck wear is all the rage among …well… I don’t know who or what for that matter. Hmm..maybe I need another image. You know, one that shows the Shortti in action.

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

On second thought, I’m gonna have to slap on a big NO on this one.

Next!

2) Umm…..

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

I just got off the phone with my lawyer about going into the masturbation facility business. I’m gonna make a wad of cash building places where folks can quietly go blow their wads. And y’all thought I didn’t have any bidness sense. Haters.

Turns out our military industrial complex ain’t too keen on Marines choking the chicken and she-boppin’ all over Afghanistan. In fact, they’re so turned off by it that the powers-that-be concocted the above warning and posted it inside all of the porta-potties on the bases. Some on the inside think it’s a joke with one medic saying that you can’t get anything via semen (well one can get pregnant) unless an open wound happens to be in attendance. Eww. I couldn’t care less if Marines are playing with themselves..seriously. They’re in a shitty part of the world, fighting an even shittier war so why NOT let them diddle their puds every once in a while? Sheesh. It’s the least we can do.

3) I am very curious about this.

Screen shot 2013-10-09 at 9.31.24 AM

 

I’m morbidly curious. There, does that explanation sit better with you?

4) Oh goody. He’s single again.

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

Too bad he didn’t have the cajones to JUST age gracefully. He looks like one of my Il Bisonte handbags.

5) You really wanna know why I’m easing into veganism? Here’s one of the many reasons. H/t to Mother Jones.

40 Percent of Your Chicken Nugget Is Meat. The Rest Is…

bones, nerves, skin, feet, eyes, hair, claws, intestines, arteries, Republicans, herpes scabs, pus, scar tissue, Rick Santorum, afterbirth, varicose dick veins, egg shells, Brook Astor’s crotch, Pig Newtons, shedded snake skin, haggis, panty scrape, meconium, Putin’s asscrack sweat, Laplander jiz, Rice-A-Roni, John Boehner’s gin-soaked salty nutsack and pubic lice.

Ok, I went a titch overboard there, but you get the general idea. That shit’s bad for you.

 

 

Shut. It. Down. 9/30/13

I’m tired and worn out from monitoring the shitfest that is Congress, so here’s a post before the lights go out. Yes, I love y’all that much.

Oh and there’s lots of salty language and general pissy-ness in this post due to what’s going on in D.C.

1) **Sarcastic slow clap for Congress.**

The shenanigans that have been going on during the past few days are completely ludicrous, embarrassing and yes, racist. Okay folks…lemme ‘splain one more time: We have a Black President, it’s time to get the fuck over it. The ACA is the law of the land, and acting like a bunch of whiny little pricks because you can’t control everything is so detrimental to this country and not to mention, democracy. What creases me is Congress–whose approval rating is hovering around 10 percent–is being controlled by a minority of dumbfuck ‘muricans who don’t know their assholes from their eyeballs. This seriously makes me wanna vomit.

2) Musical interlude.

3) A great American city is on life support. 

(via HumanEvents.com)

(via HumanEvents.com)

I came across this excellent photo essay today via the Daily Mail/UK.

Ghosts of students past: Fascinating pictures of a derelict Detroit school… mixed with evocative images from its heyday

(via Detroiturbex.com)

(via Detroiturbex.com)

  • Photos of Cass Technical High School in Detroit, Michigan, whose alumni include Diana Ross and Jack White
  • School moved to new building in 2005 which left original facility empty and it was later demolished last year
  • Largest school in Michigan by 1942 with 4,200 students attending eight-storey brick and limestone building

Click through this collection–the photos are stunning and humbling. The sad thing is, this could feasibly happen in every major city in the country if we’re not careful.

4) Hey, being born white is one helluva personal achievement. Where I fucked up is I WASN’T BORN MALE. What a filthy slut I am!

Via AutoStraddle and Jezebel.

Who’s Really to Blame for the Looming Government Shutdown? Sluts.

Yeah, a bunch of dried up white men with shriveled peens who probably haven’t had sex since Reagan was in power, are thinking about my cooch and how they can fuck with it without having to actually fuck it. Talk about a wasted hard-on, but in all seriousness, who would want to diddle these dudes? See, that’s why they’re pissed off–no self-respecting woman would EVAH see any of the conservative members’ members.

Bite me.

5) Apparently, there are folks out there who pay shit-tons of money to watch this.

(via ExtraLunchMoney.com)

(via ExtraLunchMoney.com)

It’s called CAKE SITTING. Yes. It is. True story. Do you really need me to explain it with words? I think not.

(via ixdaily.com)

(via ixdaily.com)

I’ve been looking for new revenue outlets and this might be the one for me. I like to bake and I like to sit. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me!