Five Things-Seen Some Strange Shit Edition: 4/24/14

I have seen some strange shit during my time here on Earth. Yes, I’m well aware that others have seen/witnessed/experienced some either stranger shit too, but I’m not talking about them.

Now, when I was a teen, I did stupid shit too…cow tipping, stealing road signs, drinking bad beer and hanging out in Jack Conner’s basement whilst listening to “Dark Side of the Moon,” and sneaking into Chicago at the tender age of 14 to see the Clash when I was *really* at a sleep-over at a friend’s house. Ahem.

Some of our actions were dumb (many aren’t named here to protect the innocent/me), but we never did this crap.

Talk about some ill shit…

1) Could be time to ban Burt’s Bees.

Teens get new BUZZ from beeswax lip balm

(via WKRC/Gawker)

“WKRC in Cincinnati reports that kids like the tingling sensation they get from using beeswax lipbalm not as prescribed, because it enhances the experience of being drunk or high.

“It’s the peppermint oil that’s causing the burning sensation and I suppose some people think that is kind of funny,” Dr. Brett Cauthen of Oklahoma City’s Today Clinic speculated to WKRC. 

Beezin’ isn’t all burning sensations and giggles, though. Cauthen warns it could lead to inflammation in the eye, redness of the eye, or swelling.

But is this mildly irritating trend for real? The evidence to consider includes an Urban Dictionary entry posted in 2010 (tracing it back to Colby College), a 2013 music video by a New Jersey “comedian musician” who writes “parodies,” and a few YouTube videos of kids trying beezin’ for themselves.”

It’s probably a hoax, but let’s ban the shit out of Burt’s Bees anyway. Why? Just cuz.

2) I’ve semi-enjoyed illegal substances from time to time, and I’ve witnessed plenty of folks doing all sorts of illegal ill shit, but this..well..it takes the fucking cake.

 

Vermont library locking public restrooms because needles are clogging the drains

Burlington’s Fletcher Free Library has also had issues with other kinds of drug paraphernalia.
(via UPI)
(via UPI)

(via UPI)

A Vermont library is locking the doors on its public restrooms — and it’s not because people are bringing in books to read on the toilet.

Burlington’s Fletcher Free Library is putting its restrooms on lockdown after having problems with hypodermic needles and other drug paraphernalia clogging the drains.

Once locksmiths complete the transition, patrons will have to trade their library card or ID for a bathroom key.

“We’re hoping to have this done by the end of the week, as soon as the locksmith can do the work,” head librarian Rubi Simon told the Burlington Free Press.

Despite the nature of the items that have been causing the clogging, Simon said there was no evidence that drugs were being used in the bathrooms or anywhere else in the library.

“Fortunately, we caught it early enough so there was no damage to the bathrooms,” Simon said.

After reading about needles in drains, I prefer this scenario instead.

 

3) This dingus lost all credibility after claiming he’s a ‘sovereign citizen’ and ‘doesn’t recognize the U.S. government’ after he was pictured waving an American flag. Oh, then there’s the whole ‘I’m not paying grazing fees because fuck you.’
You, Cliven Bundy, are an idiot AND a criminal for not paying your grazing fees. The gov’t ain’t being ‘tyrannical,’ you are. He’s going after everyone now…calling those who live in subsidized housing ‘freeloaders’ even though he and his cattle have been doing it for years.

You’re not a patriot, Mr. Bundy. You’re an asshole.

At first, conservatives were actually siding with this guy. Conservatives who represent us. They agreed with him, until it their minions figured out that agreeing with a domestic terrorist might hurt their chances at snagging the White House in 2016.

“Here’s a comment from Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), who has also been supportive of Bundy’s cause: “His remarks on race are offensive and I wholeheartedly disagree with him.”  (via WaPo)

Uh huh…riiiight, Mr. Paul. You know, if it walks like a duck ….

 

4) OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Mother gives birth to 14.5-pound baby at Massachusetts General Hospital

Carisa Ruscak was the biggest baby to be born at Massachusetts General Hospital in more than a decade.
I don’t know what else to say. 
5) Just because it’s gross, doesn’t mean it’s news. (via LA Times)

Ikea will soon serve vegetarian and chicken versions of its Swedish meatballs

Question: Do people actually go to IKEA for the food?? Really? Why? There are so many fine restaurants surrounding all IKEAs so why eat there? I’d like to hear from those who go to IKEA to eat. Please. I do wanna know, and I’ll try my hardest not to mock you.

 

 

Five Things-Montana Edition: 4/17/14

If Montana ain’t careful, it’s gonna become the next Florida.

Case in point–

1)

Police: Suspect licks officer’s eye during arrest

(via The Montana Standard)

(via the Montana Standard)

(via the Montana Standard)

“A Walkerville man is accused of licking a police officer’s eye during his arrest.

Christopher Nicholas Hiatt, 34, is in jail on a felony charge of assault on a peace officer and misdemeanor charges of assault with a bodily fluid, criminal contempt and probation violation.”

Ok, what the entire fuck? Hiatt licked a cop’s eyeball? I understand licking a cop’s balls, but his eyeballs? How? Whaa? How did the cops let Hiatt get that close? What’s really going on here?

2) So..wait..is it possible that my Nigerian prince really isn’t a prince?

Fake money traced to Butte man: Counterfeit bills came from man’s Nigerian sweetheart, police say

(via The Montana Standard)

“Fraudulent money sent by a Butte man’s Nigerian sweetheart — whom he met on the Internet — has been traced as the source of some counterfeit bills circulating around town.

This weekend the man, who thought the cash was legitimate, attempted to use fake $100 bills to wire money to his girlfriend. The cash was used at Albertson’s, Walmart and Safeway to purchase money wires to Nigeria.

Police say $900 of the fake money has been recovered. But, they suspect about $3,000 in $100 bills may have been used by the man.”

Oops.

3) I’m so glad someone found my vibrator.

Fish Dildo: Bjørn Frilund, Norwegian Fisherman, Finds Orange Sex Toy In Cod’s Stomach; Maybe A ‘Frustrated Woman On A Cruise’ Threw It Overboard?

(via International Business Tribune)

Screen shot 2014-04-16 at 11.25.31 PM

 

 “Norwegian hobby fisherman Bjørn Frilund was in for a shock when he fileted a 5-pound cod he had just caught and found an orange dildo in the fish’s stomach.

“I was astonished,” Frilund, 64, told the Local, a Norwegian English language website, on Friday. “It was totally unexpected. I had never seen anything like this before.”

While it’s unclear how the sex toy became a meal for the cod, Frilund has a theory: “a frustrated woman on a cruise” chucked the dildo off a ship in the nearby Barents Sea and the fish mistook the sex toy for the fish’s typical prey.”

I may be frustrated, but I’m NOT that frustrated.  More importantly, I’d never toss a perfectly good dildo away.

Side note: “Fish Dildo” is a GREAT band name.

 

4) I wanna put my mouth on this.

Celebrate Easter with the bacon Easter egg

(via UPI/Odd News)

(via @TheEvilChris /Twitter)

(via @TheEvilChris /Twitter)

 

5) Turn it up. LOUD.

Five Things-The Ping Edition: 4/14/14

1) Oh for fuck’s sake..they’re never gonna find that fucking plane.

It’s gone. Vapor. Too bad Malaysia lacked the balls to handle this whole mess correctly from the beginning. No wonder Al Qaida loves it there–y’all are clueless.

All of the possible runways long enough to support a Triple 7. (via NorthShoreJournal.org)

All of the possible runways long enough to support a Triple 7. (via NorthShoreJournal.org)

As much as I’d like to think the crew and passengers are safe, they’re not. It’s heartbreaking, and the families didn’t have to go through this shit storm.

 

2) One thing I’ve discovered is that if you get enough coffee in me, I can sing just like Carly Simon. True story.

 

3) Update to number 2: Add pot with the coffee, and I can sing just like Carol Channing.

 

4) One of the fun things about being a writer is if anyone fucks with you, you can write about it. Put it down on paper, in blog, book, or even on the bathroom wall. One doesn’t have to write it out verbatim which is nice. Plus, writing it out word-for-word could land you in court. I had this happen to me recently–being verbally berated for being me. I honestly don’t know where it came from, and I’ll admit it stung a bit.

Kinda like a kick to the tits when they’re sore–you know, like right before menses starts.

I told a few friends that being called fat and ugly wouldn’t have hurt so much.

However, almost as quickly as it entered my soul, it left and being the creative type that I am, I immediately wrote it all down for future use. It’s been put in the holster and will surface at the primo moment.

Until then, anything you want to say to me, g’head and mail it to my ass.

 

5) It’s PROBABLY not a good idea to fuck with an airline on Twitter about Al Qaida.

(via NY Daily News)

(via NY Daily News)

It gets better. Really.

(via Uproxx)

(via Uproxx)

 

When they made you dumb, they made you really dumb.

(via Uproxx)

(via Uproxx)

Five Things: 4/13/14-Spring Thaw Edition

Spring has sprung, so I guess I’m back. I’ve been writing nothing but news stories so writing fun stuff is strange to me right now. Oh but never fear: My wit will return.

What’s been going on? Much.

1) HAVE A PIECE  OF PHYSICAL THERAPY PIE. Physical therapy and more physical therapy. For those just tuning in, I’m getting intensive PT to help repair my shoulder after severely dislocating it back before the first Polar Vortex in January. I had to let it heal for a few months which meant no physical exercise at all. The one thing I learned through all of this is how much falling down the el station stairs, popping my shoulder out so far that it I could scratch my ankle without bending over,  AND spending six hours in a dank ER, is how much of a huge-as-fuck-hit my self-esteem took. Couple that with the bone-chilling, ass-crack cold we experienced, and you’re looking at 13-year old me. You know the type–teenage girl with serious braces, a tight, curly perm, GREEN EYE SHADOW, pervy-dude-attracting-boobs and the personality of well, grass.

Where was I going with this? I dunno, but I do know this: PT is brutal and I’m an old fart.

 

2) She’s BACK.

“Get the government out of my fuckin’ snatch.”

and…

 

3) Sometimes I think living in Colorado wouldn’t be so bad. Via UPI.

Pot vending machine to debut

I have a feeling that Colorado is gonna lose that “One of The Mostest Fittest States in the Union” moniker since munchies are such a huge part of partaking in doobage. Don’t believe me? Ok. Just watch.

 

4) Aaaaaaand then sometimes I think living in Colorado would suck. Lemme preface this by saying it’s the middle of April.

Spring storm shuts down stretches of I-70

 

5) Finally, I’m seriously considering doing this.

 

 

Five Things: 12/5/13

Gosh, it’s gonna be a balmy 18 degrees today in Chicago..down considerably from the upper-50s we had yesterday. Welcome to winter, now bend over.

1) SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION TIME: The app I’ve been working on for the past few months goes LIVE today. It’ll be available for FREE on iTunes for iPad and iPhone. Android’ll happen in early ’14. This is a very cool app, folks. It’s like Pandora/Spotify but for news. Yes, you can customize the news you want to hear. Right now, we’re mainly Chicago-centric, BUT we do national and world stories. Soon, we’ll be moving to Dallas, LA and the rest of the major markets.
The best part? You’ll get to hear my dulcet tones–especially later today AND this weekend.

2) Oh, for fuck’s sake, CNN, get it RIGHT. You’re a frickin’ media company with some pretty smart people working there (supposedly). How difficult is it to check your work?

(via Media Matter for America)

(via Media Matter for America)

None of this would’ve happened had they hired ME some four years ago.

Yes, I’m that good.

3) Could English pig jizz be the answer to China’s problems? Well, for some of them anyway. (via the Guardian)

UK and China agree £45m pig semen export deal

Environment secretary Owen Paterson says he has also begun negotiations to export pigs’ trotters to China
I’ll translate. Chinese pigs aren’t that great–they suck, in fact–so the Chinese are seeking the help of Brit pigs and their super sperm to make the Chinese ones better.
Or, you can just read about it here.
Side note: UK porcine semen is an excellent name for a punk band filled with has-beens, OR for an ’80s tribute band.
4) Couple of things here…why would any woman want to become a virgin again? Why? Because losing your virginity was so much fun the first time? Give me a break. You know it sucked, so why go through it again? Y’all do realize there are some ethnic groups in this world that cut up the whoo-haas of young girls to make sure they remain a virgin, right? ‘Tis a little thing called genital mutilation. It’s forced too.
Second, I don’t know if this is real, but it’s fucking funny.
Screen shot 2013-12-05 at 7.39.49 AM
For those of you gals who like a challenge, and are all about reliving your youth, but not in the typical way, this may be for you.
5) One of my muses. Enjoy.

 

Five Things: 11/22/13

No preamble today, so let’s dive in.

1) I mean, really..why NOT make a 5 1/2 hour film about self-loathing and sexual addiction? Wait, it’s been cut down to 4 hours because it, um, isn’t quite marketable. Odd for a director to give up final cut of any film. Really. It is.

Now, I’m not a Von Trier fan at all, and yes, I’ve seen all of his films because for a while there, I was considering cutting off my lady bits with garden shears. I needed to watch a ‘how to’ vid.

What’s really special about this week is the trailer for “Nymphomanic” was released. And, well..just have a look-see.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Von Trier’s editor’s in rehab now.

2) So much for the days of yore when kids would play games like kick-the-can, freeze tag and if they had a pool, Marco Polo. It appears the game du jour is the ‘knockout’ game.

It’s pretty simple really. A kid, usually a teenage boy, runs up on some random stranger on the street and knocks ‘em out cold with a punch to the head. That’s all. No robbery, no other type of assault–just a punch–and boom, the victim hits the ground with a thud.

Glad to see that society continues to slide down crap mountain.

3) I get it, you can’t afford to go skiing this year. Sorry about that. But, YOU can fool your friends into thinking you snow-plowed on the bunny hill by doing this….

(via the Daily Mail)

Are they taking the piste? Wearing goggles in tanning booth for ‘fake ski tan’ effect is bizarre new beauty trend

‘Tis true. We’re close to bottoming out as a society, folks. When someone is willing to be a melanoma poster child as an attempt to impress people who probably don’t give a shit about them, it’s time to re-evaluate your life. At this point, you’re just a shell of a person.

Kim Kardashian. Of course. (via the Daily Mail)

Kim Kardashian. Of course. (via the Daily Mail)

Exactly.

4) The people of Stonehenge. (via various)

Screen shot 2013-11-22 at 11.17.00 AM

Screen shot 2013-11-22 at 11.16.37 AM

Screen shot 2013-11-22 at 11.19.52 AMScreen shot 2013-11-22 at 11.19.33 AM

 

I no longer feel the need to bathe.

5) Finally, for those extreme Oprah fans, there’s this little gem.

An Oprah for all sizes! (via Awesomely Luvvie)

An Oprah for all sizes! (via Awesomely Luvvie)

FYI, I’d totally wear the Gene Simmons one though.

Read more about it here.

Five Things: 11/12/13

1) I never thought that having a part-time news producing gig would turn me into a big sack of goo at the end of the day. But it has, and that’s a good thing. I can finally talk a bit about what I’m working on, and I must admit, it’s smashing.

If you’re interested, check out the site-in-progress. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to hear my dulcet tones reporting on allll sorts of goings-on and shenanigans.

I learned the hard way that I have a face for radio. Trust me, you don’t wanna see my mug. You’ll be scarred for life.

The app goes live on iTunes on December 3rd. For those of you who own iPhones and iPads, you can get the app for FREE FREE FREEE then. For Android users, you’ll have to wait a bit longer.

Stay tuned.

2) “I’m doin’ it for my kids.” Seems innocent enough, yes? You have a family. A mortgage, maybe a pet or two. Since families can be expensive, it’s best if both parents work, right?

(via GossipCenter)

(via GossipCenter)

Well, one would think this would be a good idea…yes.
Looks like the soon-to-be-ex Mrs. Tito Ortiz is returning to her former-career: Fucking on camera for shit-tons of money.

(via TeresAmerica.Blogspot)

(via TeresAmerica.Blogspot)

 

But, wait..if memory serves, didn’t Ms. Jameson spew at the 2008 AVN Awards that:

“I’ll never, ever, ever spread my legs again in this industry. Ever.”

Why? Well, she needs to support her family. Yes, I know that’s the reason she gave as to WHY she was leaving the skin-flick trade, but now she’s come full circle.
What a good mommy. Hope she kicked that boozin’ and drivin’ habit. And Tito.

3) Apparently, toilet paper isn’t enough for some folks. OR, some folks are so fucking lazy that they don’t know how to properly wipe their poo-covered evil eye, so some genius invented these:

(via Amazon.com)

(via Amazon.com)

I shit you not. They’re REAL.

You know, I’m not gonna go into it. For more info, just click here. If you like ‘em, I don’t want to hear about it. Same goes for if you use ‘em.

Of course, there’s a video.

4) Wanna know when you’re gonna take a dirt nap forever? Then buy this alarm clock. It’ll tell you when you’re gonna die every morning. That’s a good enough reason to get out of bed, unless today’s the day. Then, just lie there and wait for Death to spirit you away.

I’ve had a chance to ponder this and I think it’s brilliant! Imagine–alarm clock says you’re set to die in a week. What to do, what to do ….Hmmm..rubs chin..picks nose.. Maybe a crime spree? A drinking/meth binge? Run nekkid through your office and pee on your boss? Maybe diddle your boss or his/her spouse and FILM IT? Think about it–the possibilities are ENDLESS.

Via The Verge.

Alarmclock wakes you up with the time you’ll die

You’re welcome.

5) Oh, and here’s your 1980’s ear worm. Believe me, this hurts me more than it hurts you, but you must learn and that’s that.

Next time, just put the damn lotion in the basket, and you won’t be subjected to cheeeezeh listenin’ tunes.