Well, the Earth has almost completed another lap around the Sun, which means it’s time for those insipid lists filled with trends/people/places/things the writers don’t wish to see in the next year.
I’m one of those people, but I’m much more fun and interesting. So, you’ll read it and fucking enjoy it, mmkay?
1) OPEN LETTERS. Oh for fuck’s sake, these have got to stop. To me, they’re nothing more than public masturbation in letterform jizzed out onto social media.
The Insufferables: Miley Cyrus and Sufjan Stevens. (photo via E! Online)
Hate to break it to all you open-letter writers–and would-be ones too–no one gives a red rat’s ass about your letter’s message. Those star-fuckers who do give a shit about these letters and insist on reposting them, seriously, y’all need to get a life. I highly doubt that the celebs involved care about you, all they want is the free publicity. Also, all these poorly written, thought-out missives do is clog up our Facebook and Twitter feeds.
I hate ‘em for the reasons I mentioned, and because they slow down my route to free porn.
2) Phrases…Here are a few that come to mind.
“Faith in humanity restored.” I’ve seen this a lot on social media, and it’s usually tagged to a story about some kid doing something profound like stopping a speeding train after his mom mowed the lawn, or a dog walking to the moon, or a bomb being stopped by a brunette wielding a tree branch … you get the idea. When I see those 4 holier-than-thou words, I feel stabby, and I don’t like feeling stabby. The writer’s insisting that you find whatever words or images he or she has carefully crafted or uploaded from the Internets, better than everything ever. If that shit ain’t happening in my living room, then my faith ain’t leaving my house.
“______, go home, you’re drunk.” This wasn’t funny or clever the first time, and unlike some wines, it doesn’t get better with age. Next.
“______ just won the Internet!” No, you didn’t. You didn’t win dick. Shut the hell up.
“Said no one … ever.” Do I need to elaborate?
“Just sayin’.” Yep, you sound like an illiterate buffoon when you add that little turd to the end of any sentence or phrase.
This is a nice segue to my next point.
3) Those who are easily *offended*. These folks are tiresome. If they don’t like something or if they don’t agree with something or someone, then that person’s offended–as if saying you’re offended gives you more rights than those of us who, gosh, know how to deal in society. There are folks who actually believe the offended ones have more rights…um, I’m gonna have to slap a big fat NO on y’all. Sadly, the offended ones have great PR machines. (Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, those offended by the so-called ‘war on Christmas’ and Christianity, etc.)
Ricky Gervais feels the same way:
“Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”
Being offended all of the damn time makes you a whiner, by the way.
But, if you’re going out of your way to offend people, then you’re just an asshole.
Here’s what I do if I find I’m offended by something (which rarely happens), I either change the channel, turn the page, turn off the tee vee, walk away or click off the page. See, I get that there are lots of folks out there with different opinions, and I listen to a lot of those opinions. It’s part of who I am–I welcome them–to a point. I like to hear what people have to say, and try to figure out how they arrived at their opinions. Plus, it’s part of my job.
4) Enough with selfies, twerking, making stupidity something to strive for, duck-face photos…
Here’s a double-whammy: A duck-face selfie. Careful, it may leave a mark.
5) Ok, I had to take a sedative after posting that last item. When God made ugly, he really made ugly. Damn.
Finally, a word on paleo diets. You ain’t eating paleo unless you’re living in a cave with a simian-esque dude named Thak sporting a loin cloth.
Also, when I think paleo, I think Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. How could I not think of him?