Five Things-The Polar Vortex Edition: 1/28/14

Well, I’ve reached my winter weight. Wanna know how and why?

1) THIS–

photo (1)

 

See, the Polar Vortex has told us to get bent, and I did during my commute the other day. I spent 10 minutes on the Metra platform waiting for the train and how did I entertain myself? By watching the track crews use a mini-flamethrower to thaw out the switches on the track. The Union Pacific workers looked like they would’ve preferred a railroad spike to the back of the noggin than dealing with the ball-freezing wind.

It’s so damn cold out that I can’t exercise. Tis a titch too cold for a dip in Lake Michigan, see. Plus, the gyms around here blow donk, so no exercise for McCrabby…at least not for another week or so.

In short, this is the shittiest winter ever…. so far. I can’t do it anymore so I quit.

2) Here’s where I’ll be spending my newfound free time.

photo

 

For you serfs who don’t know any better, Cruz Bay is on St. John, and St. John is part of the USVI, or United States Virgin Islands. It’s one of my fave places to go to in the Caribbean. I can’t wait to sip Cruzan Rum whilst watching the hermit crab races after witnessing the green flash as the sun sets over the Caribbean. When I’m done with that bit of entertainment, I’ll take my top off and run through the streets of Cruz Bay.

One of the many great things about St. John is the entire island is a national park so there aren’t any private beaches. But, it’s ok to get drunk and flash your boobs too.

3) So the Winter Olympics are coming up and get this–

photo

 

It’s warmer in Sochi, Russia than it is in Chicago. That ain’t right. But then again, Sochi is considered the tropical resort town of Russia, so it totally makes sense to have the Winter Olympics there, right?

4) Ahem.

photo (3)Bite me, Alaska.

5) This song makes me think of the beach, the tropics, the sand..men with surfboards..

Enjoy!

(pardon the cheesiness of this vidya..it was the best recording though)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five Things, The Damaged Shoulder Edition: 1/15/14

So, I done gone and dislocated my right shoulder. I spent a few hours in a Chicago ER crying and writhing in pain–totally being ignored by ‘the best health care in the world.’ Not good. After a fentanyl drip, two batches of x-rays and being “out” when the docs jammed my shoulder back where it belongs, I finally went home. You’d think that would be it, but NO. It wasn’t until after I got home some 6 hours after I was wheeled into the busy ER, that I realized my left arm was seriously injured (have a bruise that looks like an eggplant), and I had contracted a nasty case of frost bite….yes, FROST BITE.. on my left hand.

Frost bite? Where am I? Mt. Everest?

Over the next few days, the shoulder pain turned into to a dull ache, and the pain of the frost bite and bruised arm came roaring in. Sure, I had good drugs, but I can’t handle the strong stuff. Hey, I have a hard enough time maintaining control of all four limbs without big pharma..why would I want to dull my senses and possibly bust my noggin?

While it is better, I am treating myself to an MRI on Friday, so when I meet with my bone doc next week, I’ll know if surgery is the answer or a bionic arm.

I’m going for the bionic arm because fuck yeah.

On with the show.

1) It’s 111 degrees on the Australian Open courts. 

Yaroslava Shvedova of Kazakhstan receives treatment by trainers during her first round match against Sloane Stephens of the U.S. at the Australian Open tennis championship in Melbourne, Australia, Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014.(AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

Yaroslava Shvedova of Kazakhstan receives treatment by trainers at the Australian Open tennis championship, Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014.(AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

2) While we’re on the subject of tennis, I’d be happy to de-crampify either of these gentlemen’s asses should they start to feel the heat down there.

The Ass Master: Roger Federer (via Men's Tennis Forum)

The Ass Master: Roger Federer (via Men’s Tennis Forum)

Screen shot 2014-01-15 at 10.30.53 PM

Rafa Nadal’s good side.

Even when Rafa’s picking his seat, it’s still sexy.

Screen shot 2014-01-15 at 10.34.12 PM

 

3) Folks, we gotta figure out a way to keep society from sliding down Crap Mountain.

Sadly, this ain’t helping.

“Men Want to Wear [Leggings], And That’s A Fact!” Say Meggings Man Owners

No, no they don’t. Men don’t want to wear something that’ll make them look like a Ken doll.

Screen shot 2014-01-15 at 10.53.24 PM

 

Unless you’re running down the … No. No. These aren’t appropriate ever.

 

4) She’s my idol.

Great Great Grandma Celebrates Turning 100 By Hiring a Stripper

(via Gawker)

(via Gawker)

She rolls hard. With a tiara.

Go Granny!

5) Here’s some food for thought: If an owl was really attacking you, you’d know it.

Multiple owl attacks reported in Springfield

Bored owls are fun owls!

Screen shot 2014-01-15 at 11.15.41 PM

 

 

Five Things: 12/9/13

Winter’s here in Chicago, and in Texas too. Texans are getting nailed with that cold, white stuff from the heavens above. I have a feeling God is trying to tell those in charge in Texas to stop being such dooooshes when it comes to women, minorities, gun laws, voting rights, global warming, public education..sheesh..I could go on and on about what’s the matter with Texas. But I won’t.

Instead, here’s what I have in the hopper for y’all.

1) I had to go to the Miami Herald to learn what day it is in Illinois. You know..the state where I hail from and currently reside.

Gov. declares ‘Mike Ditka Day,’ honors ‘Da Coach’

Even if you aren’t a football fan, you should know who he is. Yes, really.

“Gov. Pat Quinn’s office says Monday that he’s declared it “Mike Ditka Day” in honor of the former Chicago Bears player and football coach whose jersey is being retired.

The Hall of Famer’s No. 89 is being retired during a halftime ceremony Monday night when the Bears host the Dallas Cowboys.

Dikta is the 14th Bear to have his number retired by the team.

In a statement, Quinn calls Ditka “the best tight end of all time.” And he says “Da Coach” “molded and guided arguably the best football team,” referring to the 1985 Super Bowl champs.

Ditka was drafted by the Bears in 1961 and played for the team through 1966. He returned to coach from 1982 until 1992.” 

Gotta hand it to the AP (and the MH for printing it) for writing perhaps the dullest tome ever.

This compilation is so much more fun.

He may be an asshole, but he’s OUR asshole. On a side note, I’m still pissed at him for not letting Sweetness score a TD in the Superbowl. Grrr.

But, he kinda makes for it here.

Love how he calls him “Waldur.”

2) Sometimes I wonder about people. I really do. How fucking stupid do you have to be to NOT NOTICE A MAN ASLEEP ON AN EMPTY AIRPLANE? (via FirstCoastNews.com)

Man falls asleep on flight making connection in Houston; wakes up in dark, empty plane

What I alluded to earlier …

“I said, ‘Don’t put the blame on me. I didn’t do anything wrong here.’ And then they were, like, try to hush-hush, keep it quiet. And they gave me this little package here in a motel room.”

United Express is investigating how this could this happen. Once in Houston, no one bothered to wake up Wagner — not a passenger, flight attendant or pilot. So, he slept.

“They didn’t sweep the plane,” Wagner said. “I mean, who shut the door?”

United Airlines, or whatever the name is these days, is one of the many reasons why we can’t have nice things.

3) I could go on and on about Nelson Mandela, and how he was (and always will be) so important to the future of the human race, but I won’t. So much has been said about him that my words would pale in comparison. However, I will say this: I can’t imagine a world without Mandela. I’ve never known another type of world.

4) This doesn’t suck. Now, if ESPN could get rid of the smarmy on-air talent. Hmm..come to think of it, that could be disastrous since all of their anchors/reporters, etc. are all about the smarm. This begs the question–why are most sports reporters so fucking smarmy? Anyone know?

5) Move over post-partum depression, here comes post-nuptial depression.

Jordan Graham Trial: Did Her Wedding Blues Lead to Murder?

To recap..Jordan Graham has been accused of murdering her new hubby on their honeymoon. She allegedly blindfolded him then pushed him off a Glacier National Park cliff back in July. After the incident, she displayed a bunch of strange behavior which caught the attention of law enforcement.

It’s a weird-as-fuck story.

 

 

 

Five Things: 12/5/13

Gosh, it’s gonna be a balmy 18 degrees today in Chicago..down considerably from the upper-50s we had yesterday. Welcome to winter, now bend over.

1) SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION TIME: The app I’ve been working on for the past few months goes LIVE today. It’ll be available for FREE on iTunes for iPad and iPhone. Android’ll happen in early ’14. This is a very cool app, folks. It’s like Pandora/Spotify but for news. Yes, you can customize the news you want to hear. Right now, we’re mainly Chicago-centric, BUT we do national and world stories. Soon, we’ll be moving to Dallas, LA and the rest of the major markets.
The best part? You’ll get to hear my dulcet tones–especially later today AND this weekend.

2) Oh, for fuck’s sake, CNN, get it RIGHT. You’re a frickin’ media company with some pretty smart people working there (supposedly). How difficult is it to check your work?

(via Media Matter for America)

(via Media Matter for America)

None of this would’ve happened had they hired ME some four years ago.

Yes, I’m that good.

3) Could English pig jizz be the answer to China’s problems? Well, for some of them anyway. (via the Guardian)

UK and China agree £45m pig semen export deal

Environment secretary Owen Paterson says he has also begun negotiations to export pigs’ trotters to China
I’ll translate. Chinese pigs aren’t that great–they suck, in fact–so the Chinese are seeking the help of Brit pigs and their super sperm to make the Chinese ones better.
Or, you can just read about it here.
Side note: UK porcine semen is an excellent name for a punk band filled with has-beens, OR for an ’80s tribute band.
4) Couple of things here…why would any woman want to become a virgin again? Why? Because losing your virginity was so much fun the first time? Give me a break. You know it sucked, so why go through it again? Y’all do realize there are some ethnic groups in this world that cut up the whoo-haas of young girls to make sure they remain a virgin, right? ‘Tis a little thing called genital mutilation. It’s forced too.
Second, I don’t know if this is real, but it’s fucking funny.
Screen shot 2013-12-05 at 7.39.49 AM
For those of you gals who like a challenge, and are all about reliving your youth, but not in the typical way, this may be for you.
5) One of my muses. Enjoy.

 

Five for Friday: September 27, 2013

Another work week has come to an end. While for me, the one who’s been unemployed for about 140 weeks, it’s just another day. To me, days just flow into one another. One doesn’t have more significance than another. They’re all the same to me.

I’m not being a Debbie Downer, it’s the truth. This is my life these days.

I’m living the dream, folks.

1) Who knew that Portland would have one of these?

(via CasaDiablo.org)

(via CasaDiablo.org)

I haven’t considered working there–not yet. But, it is tempting. I didn’t find this whilst trolling for jobs in Portland, I found about it via the media. Turns out, New Jersey’s Great Hope to Save ‘Murica From Itself has been embroiled in a milquetoast imbroglio with a ‘stripper model weirdo’ who peels her clothes off for moola at a vegan strip club in Portland, Oregon.

Wait..what? Who cares about the politico having secksy time via Twitter with a woman he ain’t supposed to that’s been done too much and is now very boring. Yawn. But…um.. A VEGAN STRIP CLUB? Get the fuck out! Now, I do understand the allure of vegan restaurants, vegan grocery stores, vegan vacations…but a strip club? Like knowing that the peelers don’t wear animal products and that the food menu is vegan. Yeaa haa. Super. How PC. Very cool, very hip.

One question: Who goes to a strip club because it’s vegan.

You’re doing it wrong. Or, it’s so right that it just blew my mind.

2) Food of The Gods.

Screen shot 2013-09-27 at 1.51.00 PM

 

It’s Oreo Peanut Butter. I can die happy now.

3) Ahhh…. my hometown. From DNAInfo.com

Prof’s Former Student Arrested after Crush Turned to Stalking, Police Say

“COOK COUNTY CRIMINAL COURTHOUSE —  A former Harold Washington College student’s crush turned criminal when she was arrested for stalking, authorities said.

Ghemeilia Butler, arrested 10 times for trespassing at the city college and for stalking her old teacher, “imagined in her mind that the two of them had a relationship.”

(via Chicago Police Department)

(via Chicago Police Department)

Ok, ok…I understand how some folks get all ‘hot for teacher’–I think that’s a very common occurrence. Those crushes usually disappear within a week, or by 4th period. But, this is a 34-year old woman, and she was in college and the whole thing is just stinkin’ weird–especially this part:

“Butler was a student of the unidentified professor for only half a semester in 2011, Assistant State’s Attorney Lorraine Scaduto said.

Scaduto said Butler has been arrested 10 times for trespassing and violating an order of protection the teacher has against her.

Butler also sent more than 500 pages of emails to the professor, at one point suggesting that the two “get married and live in the victim’s classroom,” Scaduto said.”

Yep, I’m still cringing too.

4) And I thought meth was bad.

via MoralLowGround.com

Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Hospitalizes 2 in Arizona

(DANGER WILL ROBINSON!! Extremely graphic video!)

“Medical authorities in Arizona have reported the arrival of a frightening flesh-eating drug that’s sent two people to the hospital with horrific injuries.

KLTV reports desomorphine, commonly called Krokodil, is very popular among the poor in Russia, but until now, there has been little or no reported use of the homemade drug in the United States.

Krokodil, a potentially deadly mix of codeine and hydrocarbons such as oil, gasoline, alcohol or paint thinner, causes flesh to rot from the inside out and can result in users developing festering sores that resemble crocodile skin, hence the drug’s name. Users inject it into their veins, which causes severe damage to blood vessels and tissue and, in some cases, rots flesh so completely that raw bone becomes exposed. Although Krokodil is boiled before injection, potentially lethal impurities remain.

According to KSAZ, doctors claim the average life expectancy of a Krokodil user is about three years, as the drug literally eats addicts alive.”

You take this drug and you rot from the inside out. Then, you die. Does anything else need to be said on the subject?

Yes.

Russia is a shit hole.

And ..

Don’t fucking inject this shit into your body!

5) One of my favorite songs.

 

 

China Syndrome

First, some business. For those of you who missed it, I was on Chicago Public Radio’s “The Morning Shift” on August 16th discussing my article about Vivian Maier’s copyright. You can hear my dulcet tones if you so desire. 

Oh, and accept no substitutes for my story. In this case, I don’t consider plagiarism a form of flattery. It’s quite the opposite, really.

Onward.

And we’re off!

My fellow Americans, China is kicking our ass when it comes to odd news. It’s embarrassing, but not surprising since China is the largest country on Earth. Odds are with the Chinese that they’re gonna have weird shit happen in their homeland, not just on a daily basis, but hourly too.

A big hat tip to ChinaSMACK for these stories. And to the Chinese for being as weird and whacky as the rest of the humans here.

Nurse in Hunan Tapes Sign to Newborn’s Face: ‘Lump of Shit’

(photo courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(photo courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

First, I’d love to write the heds for this publication. I liken it to writing for the Chinese version of the New York Post or The Weekly World News.

When baby Hao Hao was born in June, his parents couldn’t be happier. He’s a male baby born in China after all! China IS the country that’s beaming with pride over its zero population growth, scorn for baby girls, one child policy, and sky-high abortion rate. So, when wee Hao Hao suddenly got sick, it was discovered that one of the nurses had an issue with the wee Asian bairn, and decided to inject him with something that caused him to hemorrhage. You know that’s bad, right? At some point after the injection, to the baby shitting hisself and getting sicker and sicker, the nurse taped the “Lump of shit” note on his noggin. According to the nurse, it was all a big, fat egg roll of a misunderstanding. Turns out, Chinese nurses dig on taping obnoxious notes on one another — you know– to pass the time before they’re forced to return to their gulag-esque living quarters. The baby got in the way and the rest is history. Gotta get your laughs somewhere I guess. Who knew that was even possible in China.

Civil Servant at Work Leaves Phone Off the Hook, Eats Pear

Well, a gal’s gotta eat sometimes.

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

‘Being 30 and Unmarried Should be Illegal and Punished!’

There are over a billion people in China, and they couldn’t find anything else to report on?

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

Not being married by a certain age is one of the few lifestyle choices that is not illegal in China. According to legal experts, what this old man was yammering about is a ‘moral issue.’

That settles it then.

Edward Snowden should be thrilled he’s not Chinese.

Oops.

And…

Schoolboys Use Their Shadows to Shade Girls From Hot Sun

My fave sub head in this story: Boys praised as usually being naughty, but having a sense of responsibility at the key moment

It’s hot in China is August, so the normally naughty boys at this particular school, rose to the occasion and shaded their sweltering sisters from the blinding sun. 

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

Finally …

Government Cracks Down on Organized Online Rumormongering

Good luck getting through this graf. It’s one helluva sentence.

“Recently, Beijing police, in cooperation with the Ministry of Public Security and in accordance with reports by the masses, began prosecution according to the law to bring down an internet marketing company that deliberately manufactures and disseminates rumors maliciously infringing upon other people’s reputations in order to illegally reap economic benefit — Beijing Erma Interactive Marketing Planning Limited Company (hereinafter referred to as Erma Ltd), and has arrested Qin Zhihui (online name “秦火火” [literally "Qin Hot Hot", suggesting the ability to make things popular], male, 30 years old, born in Hunan Province Hengnan County Xianghua Village, high school education, and former Erma Ltd employee), Yang Xiuyu (online name “立二拆四” [literally "erect two demolish four"], male, 40 years old, born in Jilin Province Baishan City Qidaojiang Town, and founder of Erma Ltd), and another 4 members of the company.”

I wanna know what exactly “Erect Two Demolish Four” is erecting then demolishing. Hmm.

 

 

Where Oh Where Is McCrabass?

Contrary to what you read on the bathroom stalls, I am alive and well. I’ve just been a titch busy.

A tasty gem of a tome has been tossed into my lap by my pal, Andrew Huff, over at Gaper’s Block. I can’t give details at the moment, but when it’s done, y’all will be the first to know.

Also, I’m getting my act together and taking it on the podcast road–so to speak. It’ll be based on my blog and other topics that interest both the host (me) and the various co-hosts I’ve tapped to help me out (Charlie Meyerson, Monroe Anderson, Andrew Huff, Ranjit Souri & others to be named when I get up the courage to ask them). Due to the monumental amount of time that has passed since I’ve dealt with anything audio-wise, I’m in the process of educating my gin-soaked noggin regarding the equipment needed to make this whole thing a success. Word on the street is this podcast could be some sort of underground sensation with my handful of readers.

Why am I doing a podcast, you ask? Well, I’m bored, out of work, and have grown weary of trying to count my freckles. Oh and I have lots to say. I’m not looking to make money, I’m looking to have fun.

This is Chicago, after all, and there’s lots going on here–and elsewhere–to talk about. Especially if the news continues along these lines.

See you soon!

 

 

A Little of This, A Little of That…

Major rant coming on, then the news!

First, a word about blogging, blogs and their readers. While I love reading the blogs I subscribe to (they’re all so good in their own ways), I hate the arrogance that some folks on WP have with regards to allowing people to ‘like’ a post and subscribe to a blog. Some WP bloggers have disabled both options for reasons that I don’t quite understand, but I’m slowly beginning to see that it’s ego run amok. The author is forcing you to comment on a post you like instead of pressing the ‘like’ button–which to me–is classic passive-aggressive behavior. This is becoming more popular for some reason, and I’ve noticed that at least half of the blogs I subscribe to are starting to do this. It’s such a pain in the ass that I’m going to stop reading the blogs that I can’t participate with in the way I desire.

Why wouldn’t the author of a blog want readers to like a post they’ve worked tirelessly on? Why have the only option for subscribing to a blog via email? See, that shit drives me nuts. I don’t like clogging up my email with alerts from WP–even though I only do that for a select few. I like having all of my subscriptions in one place–in my WP Reader. Maybe this is done by some WordPressers because their worlds don’t exist much outside of WordPress and this is their way of controlling things. I don’t know. All I know is it’s so gauche, and I’m growing weary of it.

<<<END RANT>>>

It’s been some time since I’ve done a news round-up. Why? Well, the news has been a major doggie-downer as of late so the thought of writing about it was causing me to feel like I was going through heroin withdrawal. I’m not a huge fan of vomiting, writhing on the floor and soiling my knickers uncontrollably. If that’s your thing, then hey, knock yerself out.

But, I’m holding off on having those things happen to me until I’m at least 90 years old.

On to the news.

Have a piece of schadenfreude pie, Joe Francis.

Apparently, Mr. “Girls Gone Wild” and all-around douchebag, has his knickers in a bunch because someone stole his iPad that contained a sex tape that he made with his gal pal! Francis is quite steamed about it because the thief is currently shopping said sex tape around to the highest bidder. Waah waah waah!

Joe Francis and his co-star. (photo courtesy of LAist.com)

Joe Francis and his co-star. (photo courtesy of LAist.com)

Francis is the emotionally retarded chap who made underage titty flashing the new thing to aspire to for so many girls who consider “cracker” to be a term of endearment and who frequent spring break getaways like South Padre Island, Ft. Liquordale, and the like. Oh, and he’s been in trouble with the law–he doesn’t like to pay taxes, can’t comprehend the meaning of ‘consent’ and doesn’t quite seem to glean what ‘underage’ means exactly–just to name a few. Oh for fun, get on the google machine and type in ‘Steve Wynn vs. Joe Francis’ and you’ll read some of the best unintentional comic material ever.

 

Question: What comes with an $800 sex toy?

Also, I hate it when this happens. See folks, this is why I keep my sex toys in a locked box in my panic room.

Bravo to Spain for taking a stand on dog poop scofflaws. You know, in Chicago, I think we should have the option of smearing the dog feces on the owners OR smearing them on a Cubs/Sox/Hawks/Bears/Bulls jersey in front of the owner. It all depends on which team the owner supports, and the messier the poop, the better. That’ll never happen since our sleazoid of a mayor is too busy engaging in a circle jerk with no-bid city contractors and parking meters companies.

This made me smile. China Eastern Airlines is getting all of their flight attendants trained in the ancient Chinese secret art of Kung Fu, as a way to protect themselves against hijackers. Tis a noble effort and I had no idea CEA was a target for hijackers. I do hope they’ll channel the surprisingly un-Chinese looking Kwai Chang Caine whilst unloading a high-kick to a hijacker’s noggin.

(courtesy retroland.com)

(courtesy retroland.com)

However, I have a sinking feeling it’ll be more like this:

As for the ear worm, you’re welcome.

 

Now What?

I’m back.. sort of. I’ve been in a funk for the past few weeks–job rejections and weird personal stuff–good, bad and sad–have sidelined me for a bit.

Y’all ain’t rid of me yet, though. You’ll see soon enough.

First, some fun. Ahem.

Feast yer peepers at this impressive hunk of man-meat, then check out Mickey Rourke.

Mickey-Rourke-Russia7

Question: When did he start looking like my dead great-grandmother?

Then, I found this.

maninspeedoI think the meaning of life is in this photo. I’ve figure it out, now let’s see what you can conjure up.

In the meantime, I’m in the early stages of developing a podcast of sorts with a few of my pals here in the Windy City, and well, beyond too. Since there ain’t shit in this town for work for a fab gal like myself, I gotta find other ways to fill my days that don’t entail booze, men, hooch and free Internet porn. I’ve got a damn fine brain and wicked sense of humor, I might as well put the two to good use. I also have smart, witty friends who I know would love to join in the fun.

So, please feel free to send me topic ideas and if you want to be a guest, well, we can discuss that too.