Five Things: 12/5/13

Gosh, it’s gonna be a balmy 18 degrees today in Chicago..down considerably from the upper-50s we had yesterday. Welcome to winter, now bend over.

1) SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION TIME: The app I’ve been working on for the past few months goes LIVE today. It’ll be available for FREE on iTunes for iPad and iPhone. Android’ll happen in early ’14. This is a very cool app, folks. It’s like Pandora/Spotify but for news. Yes, you can customize the news you want to hear. Right now, we’re mainly Chicago-centric, BUT we do national and world stories. Soon, we’ll be moving to Dallas, LA and the rest of the major markets.
The best part? You’ll get to hear my dulcet tones–especially later today AND this weekend.

2) Oh, for fuck’s sake, CNN, get it RIGHT. You’re a frickin’ media company with some pretty smart people working there (supposedly). How difficult is it to check your work?

(via Media Matter for America)

(via Media Matter for America)

None of this would’ve happened had they hired ME some four years ago.

Yes, I’m that good.

3) Could English pig jizz be the answer to China’s problems? Well, for some of them anyway. (via the Guardian)

UK and China agree £45m pig semen export deal

Environment secretary Owen Paterson says he has also begun negotiations to export pigs’ trotters to China
I’ll translate. Chinese pigs aren’t that great–they suck, in fact–so the Chinese are seeking the help of Brit pigs and their super sperm to make the Chinese ones better.
Or, you can just read about it here.
Side note: UK porcine semen is an excellent name for a punk band filled with has-beens, OR for an ’80s tribute band.
4) Couple of things here…why would any woman want to become a virgin again? Why? Because losing your virginity was so much fun the first time? Give me a break. You know it sucked, so why go through it again? Y’all do realize there are some ethnic groups in this world that cut up the whoo-haas of young girls to make sure they remain a virgin, right? ‘Tis a little thing called genital mutilation. It’s forced too.
Second, I don’t know if this is real, but it’s fucking funny.
Screen shot 2013-12-05 at 7.39.49 AM
For those of you gals who like a challenge, and are all about reliving your youth, but not in the typical way, this may be for you.
5) One of my muses. Enjoy.

 

Five for Friday: September 20, 2013

So, I’m going to continue with this Five Things idea for a bit to see where it takes me.

1) I got this little gem via a journo listserv I’m a member of.

“An unnamed digital media company in Chicago seeks stories at $7 a pop.”

I’ll keep the next few sentences simple since I’m sure you’re also in a state of shock due to what you just read. We want four AP style stories a day with a word count hovering around 400 per story. Great communication skills are a must. Please send your resume and 4 clips to fuckthewriter@bohica.com.

After I fashioned a bag of ice over my sore noggin (it’s sore from banging it against the wall after reading the listserv email), I tried to imagine the level of the mind that believes it’s okay to pay a writer a measly $7/post. Why the hell not? Them’s just words! Anyone can do it! You know, that makes total sense so sign me up!

I’d rather eat ground glass.

2) I wanna know the methodology that was used for this study.

Penis Map Of The World Exposes Weenie Size In Each Country

Plus, ain’t it kinda a cool that dong size has little to do with potency? See, that’s how it’s done denizens of certain South American and African countries. Not only are the Indians and Chinese kicking our asses in so many other ways, their wee schvantzes are helping to produce shitloads of humans to ensure that they’ll be kicking our asses for generations to come. In other words, size ain’t an issue … in some instances.

(via rosalie-schweiker.wikispaces.com)

(via rosalie-schweiker.wikispaces.com)

3) This is real. Not kidding.

(via Inquisitr.com)

(via Inquisitr.com)

It’s the latest Boeing 777 in Eva Air’s fleet of flying machines. Eva Air, by the way, is the Taiwanese airline. You can get in touch with your inner-confused hipster who sports ironic tats, facial hair, piercings and fedoras, by taking one of the three flights between Taipei and Los Angeles each week. Then, you can Instagram it, put pix of you acting all goofy inside the plane on one of your many Tumblrs, then get a tat of the plane on your lower back.

4) Now, this tat was on a “20 Tattoos That You Should Get Removed” page. I’m confused though–I don’t see what the problem is.

(via RedCastle83)

(via RedCastle83)

5) Aaaaaaaaaaaand I’ll just leave this here. Enjoy!

Organ Grinder

Life is tough. It is. Just ask this baby.

Monkey tears off tot’s testicle and EATS it during terrifying zoo attack

From The Mirror/UK.

The distressing attack took place at the Guiyang Qianling Wildlife Park in Guìyáng, the capital of Guizhou province in Southwest China

Distressing, yeah, that’s putting it mildly. Even though I don’t have a nutsack, I feel this tot’s pain and that’s quite an achievement.

“An eight month old baby is recovering in hospital after a monkey tore off one of his testicles before running away and eating it.

The distressing attack took place at the Guiyang Qianling Wildlife Park in Guìyáng, the capital of Guizhou province in Southwest China, according to reports.

The mother was changing her son’s nappy when the animal attacked, ripping off the testicle before dropping it onto the ground.

An elderly man then reportedly picked up the severed appendage but the monkey snatched it from his hand before scampering away and eating it.

The boy’s injury is not life-threatening, Chinese media reports.”

It must really suck being a baby in China. First, the fact that you were even born is a miracle since China is all about zero population growth, and your parents had to beg and bribe in order to become parents. Chinese women have a shit-ton of abortions too, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are several actual Abortionplexes in China that operate 24/7.

I’m cringing yet again. The animal ripped the baby’s tender testicle off, slammed it on the ground and THEN ATE IT?

Good to know that monkeys buy into the 5-second rule. Or, maybe there’s a monkey version that we don’t know about that’s a titch longer and incorporates the use of old men’s hands. I don’t want to know about it either because that would mean I’d have to learn their ways, and I’m having a hard enough time learning the ways of humans. It ain’t pretty, but it has to be done or I’ll be sent to that special place. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

Oh fuck it, here’s a vidya about the story. Enjoy.

China Syndrome

First, some business. For those of you who missed it, I was on Chicago Public Radio’s “The Morning Shift” on August 16th discussing my article about Vivian Maier’s copyright. You can hear my dulcet tones if you so desire. 

Oh, and accept no substitutes for my story. In this case, I don’t consider plagiarism a form of flattery. It’s quite the opposite, really.

Onward.

And we’re off!

My fellow Americans, China is kicking our ass when it comes to odd news. It’s embarrassing, but not surprising since China is the largest country on Earth. Odds are with the Chinese that they’re gonna have weird shit happen in their homeland, not just on a daily basis, but hourly too.

A big hat tip to ChinaSMACK for these stories. And to the Chinese for being as weird and whacky as the rest of the humans here.

Nurse in Hunan Tapes Sign to Newborn’s Face: ‘Lump of Shit’

(photo courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(photo courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

First, I’d love to write the heds for this publication. I liken it to writing for the Chinese version of the New York Post or The Weekly World News.

When baby Hao Hao was born in June, his parents couldn’t be happier. He’s a male baby born in China after all! China IS the country that’s beaming with pride over its zero population growth, scorn for baby girls, one child policy, and sky-high abortion rate. So, when wee Hao Hao suddenly got sick, it was discovered that one of the nurses had an issue with the wee Asian bairn, and decided to inject him with something that caused him to hemorrhage. You know that’s bad, right? At some point after the injection, to the baby shitting hisself and getting sicker and sicker, the nurse taped the “Lump of shit” note on his noggin. According to the nurse, it was all a big, fat egg roll of a misunderstanding. Turns out, Chinese nurses dig on taping obnoxious notes on one another — you know– to pass the time before they’re forced to return to their gulag-esque living quarters. The baby got in the way and the rest is history. Gotta get your laughs somewhere I guess. Who knew that was even possible in China.

Civil Servant at Work Leaves Phone Off the Hook, Eats Pear

Well, a gal’s gotta eat sometimes.

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

‘Being 30 and Unmarried Should be Illegal and Punished!’

There are over a billion people in China, and they couldn’t find anything else to report on?

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

Not being married by a certain age is one of the few lifestyle choices that is not illegal in China. According to legal experts, what this old man was yammering about is a ‘moral issue.’

That settles it then.

Edward Snowden should be thrilled he’s not Chinese.

Oops.

And…

Schoolboys Use Their Shadows to Shade Girls From Hot Sun

My fave sub head in this story: Boys praised as usually being naughty, but having a sense of responsibility at the key moment

It’s hot in China is August, so the normally naughty boys at this particular school, rose to the occasion and shaded their sweltering sisters from the blinding sun. 

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

Finally …

Government Cracks Down on Organized Online Rumormongering

Good luck getting through this graf. It’s one helluva sentence.

“Recently, Beijing police, in cooperation with the Ministry of Public Security and in accordance with reports by the masses, began prosecution according to the law to bring down an internet marketing company that deliberately manufactures and disseminates rumors maliciously infringing upon other people’s reputations in order to illegally reap economic benefit — Beijing Erma Interactive Marketing Planning Limited Company (hereinafter referred to as Erma Ltd), and has arrested Qin Zhihui (online name “秦火火” [literally "Qin Hot Hot", suggesting the ability to make things popular], male, 30 years old, born in Hunan Province Hengnan County Xianghua Village, high school education, and former Erma Ltd employee), Yang Xiuyu (online name “立二拆四” [literally "erect two demolish four"], male, 40 years old, born in Jilin Province Baishan City Qidaojiang Town, and founder of Erma Ltd), and another 4 members of the company.”

I wanna know what exactly “Erect Two Demolish Four” is erecting then demolishing. Hmm.

 

 

Dawg Daze

Why, yes–I am back.

For the moment at least.

I’ve been buried in a story about this dead gal, and while it’s been quite the education, it has also taken over my life for the past month. I’m done and now I wait.

Yeah..yeah..yeah…I know we’re in the Dog Days of Summer and my three readers are probably either on vacation in Branson, or in prison. See, I figure that it’s been a while since I’ve paid any attention to this blog, it’s best that I don’t jump in–tits first–since most of my writing for the past month has been about serious stuff. I don’t know what’s funny anymore.

Fortunately, I have my fellow humans to once again prove to me that we live in a world that is always chock-full of weird and wacky shit. So, attention must be paid.

You know what? Sleep is so overrated. It is. Eight to 10 hours of shut-eye a night is for pussies. I’ve been an insomniac for years, and I’m not *quite* sure why my body/mind doesn’t require sleep, but I have a damn good idea as to what might be one of the many causes.

All I can say is HOLY FUCK.

New Spider from Laos Named after Actor Dominic Monaghan

I don’t give a red rat’s ass that there’s a spider named for some actor, it’s the fact that Mother Nature has decided that this world needs another fucking spider. Why a spider? WHY, DAMN YOU?!!? Is a new species of spider *really* necessary? Why not something harmless like a new horse species? Or an even hedgehog? (like that’s possible)

I’m off to buy a hermitically sealed house.

Oh… this kid needs therapy. Peepee whacking in this case should be done by someone with sharp stick. Yes, I understand this is what young lads do, but there is something fakakta about a ‘tween jackin’ it on mom’s Martex towels she got on special at Macy’s.

Yeah..yeah..yeah…Anthony Weiner. Big whup. You’re a choad, not because you were sexting (I mean really, who cares?), but because you said you weren’t going to do it anymore after your last very public “oops.” Plus, you think that New Yorkers are stupid, which we all know ain’t the case. True story–New Yorkers will always be the first ones to tell you just how smart they are. *YAWN.* What I love about this story is how the word ‘slutbag’ is now part of the McCrabass vernacular. The said thing is, Barbara Morgan will probably get a new job before I do.

I like this hed better: “Monkeys throw poo at selfish people.” Too bad the story isn’t about poo-flinging because that would be something I could get behind.

Finally, I am a journalist because I hope to cover a story like this someday soon.

Passenger said he only wanted to travel together with his ‘beloved’ pet
Screen shot 2013-08-02 at 8.48.17 PM

Aaaand I’m done.

 

A Little of This, A Little of That…

Major rant coming on, then the news!

First, a word about blogging, blogs and their readers. While I love reading the blogs I subscribe to (they’re all so good in their own ways), I hate the arrogance that some folks on WP have with regards to allowing people to ‘like’ a post and subscribe to a blog. Some WP bloggers have disabled both options for reasons that I don’t quite understand, but I’m slowly beginning to see that it’s ego run amok. The author is forcing you to comment on a post you like instead of pressing the ‘like’ button–which to me–is classic passive-aggressive behavior. This is becoming more popular for some reason, and I’ve noticed that at least half of the blogs I subscribe to are starting to do this. It’s such a pain in the ass that I’m going to stop reading the blogs that I can’t participate with in the way I desire.

Why wouldn’t the author of a blog want readers to like a post they’ve worked tirelessly on? Why have the only option for subscribing to a blog via email? See, that shit drives me nuts. I don’t like clogging up my email with alerts from WP–even though I only do that for a select few. I like having all of my subscriptions in one place–in my WP Reader. Maybe this is done by some WordPressers because their worlds don’t exist much outside of WordPress and this is their way of controlling things. I don’t know. All I know is it’s so gauche, and I’m growing weary of it.

<<<END RANT>>>

It’s been some time since I’ve done a news round-up. Why? Well, the news has been a major doggie-downer as of late so the thought of writing about it was causing me to feel like I was going through heroin withdrawal. I’m not a huge fan of vomiting, writhing on the floor and soiling my knickers uncontrollably. If that’s your thing, then hey, knock yerself out.

But, I’m holding off on having those things happen to me until I’m at least 90 years old.

On to the news.

Have a piece of schadenfreude pie, Joe Francis.

Apparently, Mr. “Girls Gone Wild” and all-around douchebag, has his knickers in a bunch because someone stole his iPad that contained a sex tape that he made with his gal pal! Francis is quite steamed about it because the thief is currently shopping said sex tape around to the highest bidder. Waah waah waah!

Joe Francis and his co-star. (photo courtesy of LAist.com)

Joe Francis and his co-star. (photo courtesy of LAist.com)

Francis is the emotionally retarded chap who made underage titty flashing the new thing to aspire to for so many girls who consider “cracker” to be a term of endearment and who frequent spring break getaways like South Padre Island, Ft. Liquordale, and the like. Oh, and he’s been in trouble with the law–he doesn’t like to pay taxes, can’t comprehend the meaning of ‘consent’ and doesn’t quite seem to glean what ‘underage’ means exactly–just to name a few. Oh for fun, get on the google machine and type in ‘Steve Wynn vs. Joe Francis’ and you’ll read some of the best unintentional comic material ever.

 

Question: What comes with an $800 sex toy?

Also, I hate it when this happens. See folks, this is why I keep my sex toys in a locked box in my panic room.

Bravo to Spain for taking a stand on dog poop scofflaws. You know, in Chicago, I think we should have the option of smearing the dog feces on the owners OR smearing them on a Cubs/Sox/Hawks/Bears/Bulls jersey in front of the owner. It all depends on which team the owner supports, and the messier the poop, the better. That’ll never happen since our sleazoid of a mayor is too busy engaging in a circle jerk with no-bid city contractors and parking meters companies.

This made me smile. China Eastern Airlines is getting all of their flight attendants trained in the ancient Chinese secret art of Kung Fu, as a way to protect themselves against hijackers. Tis a noble effort and I had no idea CEA was a target for hijackers. I do hope they’ll channel the surprisingly un-Chinese looking Kwai Chang Caine whilst unloading a high-kick to a hijacker’s noggin.

(courtesy retroland.com)

(courtesy retroland.com)

However, I have a sinking feeling it’ll be more like this:

As for the ear worm, you’re welcome.

 

Theater of gross

**WARNING: THE VIDYAS/ARTICLES/PIX POSTED BELOW ARE DISGUSTING. HEINOUS. APPALLING. PUKE-INDUCING. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, CLICK AWAY. NOW. THANKS!****

There’s only so much job search crap I can do in one day. I scour the job boards, craft carefully worded cover letters and pepper my resumes with the appropriate key words so they make it past whatever heartless screening software most HR departments use. If I spent 8 hours a day looking for a job like Dr. Phil and the other, um, “experts” say I should, I’d be fat-alcoholic-heroin-addict.

But, I’d have great hair. That’s a given.

What do I do when I’m done looking for work for the day? I go for long walks/hikes, read a lot, write my book about my job search adventures and peruse the Internets for the absurd.

Oh, and the GROSS. The very, very heinous.

I’ve had to edit my choices down to three since I don’t want to be kidnapped and thrown into an open sewer in Mumbai due to someone being so offended they feel the need to dispose of McCrabass. Cholera and MRSA ain’t my thing, see.

Really now … if you’re reading this blog, you’re made of sterner stuff.

Prepare ye.

From ChinaSmack.com

Zoo Caretaker Licks Monkey’s Butt To Help It Defecate

I … I … wow. Um, wow.

It gets worse.

Wait for it …

Caretaker licks monkey’s butt for an hour to help it defecate

Now, it’s not the best dek since it’s almost exactly like the hed, but I’m going to put away my copy editing hat for a bit and just take it allllll in. So to speak. I suggest you do the same.

Yesterday, Wuhan Zoo Monkey caretaker Zhang Bangsheng unbelievably used his tongue to lick a small monkey’s butt!

50-year-old Zhang Bangsheng used warm water to clean a small Francois’ Leaf Monkey’s buttocks, then began using his mouth to lick it, not stopping for over an hour, until the little monkey defecated a single peanut. Only after the peanut was defecated did Zhang Bangsheng laugh with satisfaction.

As it is understood, this small Francois’ langur is only 3 months old, and is the first Francois’ Leaf Monkey to be born in nearly 10 years at this animal park. The Francois’ langur is a rare primate from Guangxi and Guizhou and is amongst the nation’s most protected animals. Because it is so precious, the zoo gave it to model worker and high-level expert Zhang Bangsheng to care for and raise.

So, you lick ass and you get a peanut. This chore mirrors one of my fave phrases: You pay peanuts and you get monkeys.

I hate peanuts now. And monkeys. And butt-lickers.

But, if someone licked MY ass for an hour, I wonder what would happen. Yeah, I said it.

On the first day of the “May 1st” short holiday, Zhang Bangsheng let the small Francois langur enter the monkey exhibit for the first time to meet visitors so it can see more of the world. The next day, Old Zhang discovered that the little monkey had indigestion and difficulty defecating, and immediately became worried. Seeing peanut shells on the ground, Old Zhang immediately understood that visitors had definitely tossed peanuts to the small monkey, and the toothless monkey swallowed the peanut whole. If it does not quickly defecate it, it would endanger the little monkey’s life.

Because the monkey is too small, it wasn’t suitable to use medicine to let it defecate. The only way was to lick its butt, to prompt it to defecate the peanut, and so the scene at the start of this article occurred.

That’s dedication. I hope they give this zoo keeper real food from now on. Or let his family out of whatever Chinese gulag they were in for whatever reason. Either way, this guy deserves some sort of prize and perhaps some type of bleach-based mouthwash. Oh and new teefus.

I wonder what the little monkey will use to throw at the tourists who are mocking it since it can’t shit properly?

Fuck me sideways – this is gross! I need a Silkwood shower after reading it.

There Will Be Blood and Pus

The following is beyond gross, but I can’t look away.

I’m so glad that Smell-o-Vision ain’t available on the Internets because I’m sure the stench of what you’re about to watch would cause your skin to melt.

I bet you don’t want to eat raw cookie dough, cottage cheese or Redi-Whip directly from the can ever again, eh?

The background chatter is what seals it for me. Apparently, cysts the size of Ayers Rock are not unusual for Gary. This begs the questions: Just HOW disgusting IS Gary? Has he ever been to a doctor? What does his diet consist of? Why are all heinous cyst/zit extractions done in a disgusting bathroom or in some trailer park? Why are there always screaming children in the background? Why are they ALWAYS rednecks or dudes looking like they’ve spent waaaay too much time in Purvis’s meth hut?

Betcha can’t stop watching it. It’ll haunt your dreams, I can guarantee it.

But wait! There’s more!

At least the kitteh was ok. But, I can’t help but think of the scene in The Fly. You’ll know what scene I’m talking about after you watch this next clip.

You’re welcome.