Theater of gross

**WARNING: THE VIDYAS/ARTICLES/PIX POSTED BELOW ARE DISGUSTING. HEINOUS. APPALLING. PUKE-INDUCING. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, CLICK AWAY. NOW. THANKS!****

There’s only so much job search crap I can do in one day. I scour the job boards, craft carefully worded cover letters and pepper my resumes with the appropriate key words so they make it past whatever heartless screening software most HR departments use. If I spent 8 hours a day looking for a job like Dr. Phil and the other, um, “experts” say I should, I’d be fat-alcoholic-heroin-addict.

But, I’d have great hair. That’s a given.

What do I do when I’m done looking for work for the day? I go for long walks/hikes, read a lot, write my book about my job search adventures and peruse the Internets for the absurd.

Oh, and the GROSS. The very, very heinous.

I’ve had to edit my choices down to three since I don’t want to be kidnapped and thrown into an open sewer in Mumbai due to someone being so offended they feel the need to dispose of McCrabass. Cholera and MRSA ain’t my thing, see.

Really now … if you’re reading this blog, you’re made of sterner stuff.

Prepare ye.

From ChinaSmack.com

Zoo Caretaker Licks Monkey’s Butt To Help It Defecate

I … I … wow. Um, wow.

It gets worse.

Wait for it …

Caretaker licks monkey’s butt for an hour to help it defecate

Now, it’s not the best dek since it’s almost exactly like the hed, but I’m going to put away my copy editing hat for a bit and just take it allllll in. So to speak. I suggest you do the same.

Yesterday, Wuhan Zoo Monkey caretaker Zhang Bangsheng unbelievably used his tongue to lick a small monkey’s butt!

50-year-old Zhang Bangsheng used warm water to clean a small Francois’ Leaf Monkey’s buttocks, then began using his mouth to lick it, not stopping for over an hour, until the little monkey defecated a single peanut. Only after the peanut was defecated did Zhang Bangsheng laugh with satisfaction.

As it is understood, this small Francois’ langur is only 3 months old, and is the first Francois’ Leaf Monkey to be born in nearly 10 years at this animal park. The Francois’ langur is a rare primate from Guangxi and Guizhou and is amongst the nation’s most protected animals. Because it is so precious, the zoo gave it to model worker and high-level expert Zhang Bangsheng to care for and raise.

So, you lick ass and you get a peanut. This chore mirrors one of my fave phrases: You pay peanuts and you get monkeys.

I hate peanuts now. And monkeys. And butt-lickers.

But, if someone licked MY ass for an hour, I wonder what would happen. Yeah, I said it.

On the first day of the “May 1st” short holiday, Zhang Bangsheng let the small Francois langur enter the monkey exhibit for the first time to meet visitors so it can see more of the world. The next day, Old Zhang discovered that the little monkey had indigestion and difficulty defecating, and immediately became worried. Seeing peanut shells on the ground, Old Zhang immediately understood that visitors had definitely tossed peanuts to the small monkey, and the toothless monkey swallowed the peanut whole. If it does not quickly defecate it, it would endanger the little monkey’s life.

Because the monkey is too small, it wasn’t suitable to use medicine to let it defecate. The only way was to lick its butt, to prompt it to defecate the peanut, and so the scene at the start of this article occurred.

That’s dedication. I hope they give this zoo keeper real food from now on. Or let his family out of whatever Chinese gulag they were in for whatever reason. Either way, this guy deserves some sort of prize and perhaps some type of bleach-based mouthwash. Oh and new teefus.

I wonder what the little monkey will use to throw at the tourists who are mocking it since it can’t shit properly?

Fuck me sideways – this is gross! I need a Silkwood shower after reading it.

There Will Be Blood and Pus

The following is beyond gross, but I can’t look away.

I’m so glad that Smell-o-Vision ain’t available on the Internets because I’m sure the stench of what you’re about to watch would cause your skin to melt.

I bet you don’t want to eat raw cookie dough, cottage cheese or Redi-Whip directly from the can ever again, eh?

The background chatter is what seals it for me. Apparently, cysts the size of Ayers Rock are not unusual for Gary. This begs the questions: Just HOW disgusting IS Gary? Has he ever been to a doctor? What does his diet consist of? Why are all heinous cyst/zit extractions done in a disgusting bathroom or in some trailer park? Why are there always screaming children in the background? Why are they ALWAYS rednecks or dudes looking like they’ve spent waaaay too much time in Purvis’s meth hut?

Betcha can’t stop watching it. It’ll haunt your dreams, I can guarantee it.

But wait! There’s more!

At least the kitteh was ok. But, I can’t help but think of the scene in The Fly. You’ll know what scene I’m talking about after you watch this next clip.

You’re welcome.

A little amusement

I’ve been hibernating for the past few weeks, so I haven’t been paying close attention to the news. That’s very odd for a news hound like me. Most of the news has been so maddening that me adding my two cents would’ve been a waste since so many others are doing it so much better than I possibly could.

Until today when this little gem came floating through my RSS feed courtesy of Reuters.

Theme park highlights challenges facing China’s dwarfs

Yes, I had to read that hed several times before I could fully appreciate it AND stop giggling. I’ve been struck dumb by this story.

(Reuters Life!) – Sitting in a valley in southwest China sits an unlikely and controversial theme park — the Little People’s Kingdom of dwarfs.

Here, dwarfs perform in fairytale costumes for tourists, drawing both curious crowds and a fair share of criticism.

The image knocking around in my noggin is of a bunch of little people participating in a Chinese Ren Faire but without the obnoxiousness of the King Dick’s Faire that’s so popular in the Midwest. Knowing China, it’s probably forced humiliation.

“For many of the employees, the park is a rare opportunity to find work, and, as unlikely as it seems for men and women doing daily spoof performances of Swan Lake in tutus, respect.

The park, near Kunming city in Yunnan province, employs 108 dwarfs from across the country, who twice daily gather on an artificial hillside to dance and sing for tourists.

As well as a host of dwarf guardian angels, the fantasy world has a king, an army, a health department and even its own foreign ministry, and all must pretend to live in a miniature hilltop village of crooked little houses.

For 80 yuan ($11.72) — not a small sum in China — tourists can watch skits, sentimental group dances and acrobatics some may view as more than a little reminiscent of medieval freak shows now deemed politically incorrect in many parts of the world.

The show’s centerpiece, a farcical rendition of Swan Lake, sees performers both male and female dressed in pink tutus and pretending to be little swans.”

Note to self: Bring back the freak shows. Just make it happen.

“When I did it for the very first time, I felt a bit embarrassed. I had never worn a skirt like that before,” said 21-year-old Chen Ruan, who left his native Hunan province to join the park when it opened last July.

“But later, once I got used to it, performing it felt very natural,” he added.

Chen Ming, a flamboyant Sichuanese businessman who single-handedly conceived and funded the park, made his fortune manufacturing electronics and investing in property, but said he had always wanted to do good for society.

And Chen now has bigger plans for his little kingdom.”

Chen always wanted to do good for society? By inventing a Chinese midget Ren Faire? I’d hate to be around him when the laughter and great ideas stop.

“Having already invested around 100 million yuan in the site, which nestles among nine forested peaks, he is looking for a further 700 million to expand it.

While the venture is yet to make a profit, Chen hopes the number of performers employed will grow to around 1,000 within a few years. One day, Chen beams, the navy will have its own reservoir, the infantry a railroad, the air force a cable car, and the foreign ministry employees will serve as tour guides.

“I’m very happy with it,” he told Reuters. “What I need now is for some people, especially Europeans and Americans, to understand us. Because some people don’t get it, they think we are using the dwarfs.

“But what we are actually doing is giving them a platform to live, giving them worth and the ability to work freely, to exist freely,” he added.”

Nice that he’s looking to hire folks since China’s economy is slipping a titch. However, if China wants to keep a theme park like this going, it may want to rethink it’s one child policy and start encouraging its citizens to have more secksy time.

As with everything else — even in China — this wee peeps fun time park ain’t above criticism.

“Not everyone is convinced. Disabled rights groups and members of China’s increasingly vocal online community have suggested the park may only serve to increase stigma.

“We need to go and tell him how to respect disabled people’s rights, how to help disabled people to develop in their own lives, and not to exploit people’s curiosity for commercial success,” said Xie Yan, director of Beijing’s One Plus One Cultural Exchange Center, an NGO which advocates more equality for China’s disabled.

The situation for China’s estimated 83 million people with a disability has improved in recent years, with enrolment figures for schools and universities increasing dramatically. Beijing’s hosting of the Paralympics in 2008 also focused government and public attention on the rights of China’s disabled.”

Xie Yan is probably in prison after that comment.

“Li Caixia said it had been near impossible to find well-paid work after graduating from high school, and was tempted to the park by the prospect of up to 2,000 yuan a month, double what she might get working anywhere else.

“As soon as employers see us, they know they definitely wouldn’t want a small person like us. They have to pay the same salary, so they all want to find someone more normal,” she said. “But here, staff aren’t prejudiced like the people outside.”

Pay the same salary? I gotta sit with that statement for a bit. Are Chinese employers onto something here? If you’re big or tall, you get more money? Now that’s innovation!

“The only qualification for employees, whose ages range from 18 to 48, is to be shorter than 130 cms (51 inches) and be fundamentally self sufficient.

Living together in a dormitory designed to look like a cave, some residents say life in the park is a welcome opportunity to be around others with similar experiences.

Facilities from sinks to light switches are installed for people with a short stature in mind, offering greater independence for people many of whom were once heavily reliant on parents or charitable institutions.

Kunming primary school teacher Deng Li, whose students were among hundreds enjoying the show on a recent weekday morning, said it was a positive experience for both sides.

“You can see the children have accepted them,” she said. “I think this will be of great help to the children as they grow up and come into contact with people like them.”

Perhaps it is true — Children are the future.

The body elective*

*With apologies to Walt Whitman

**WARNING: IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY GENITALIA OR TATTOOS OR TATTOOED GENITALIA, EITHER CLICK OFF THIS PAGE, OR DEVELOP A SPINE & LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THINGS YOU’RE NOT USED TO.**

In the past few days, I’ve seen a lot of stories float through my RSS feed that have to do with the body. Not just the parts that are considered “safe” for public exposure, but naughty parts. Some are strange, others kind of sad and the rest? Well, you tell me.

Hang on, I’m going to ease you into this post.

The Chinese are so odd. Before you hit the Comment button and start typing “Hey McCrabass, you’re a racist!” UNCLENCH and let me finish. Humans are odd in general. Just read this post to the end and soon you’ll agree with me.

From People’s Daily Online/Global Online.

Fake pregnant belly becomes hot seller on the Internet

At first, the plan was to really mock and be obnoxious about this new phenomenon, but then I remembered that China is populated by about a 1 billion Chinamen and Chinawomen who are bound by a one child policy. Folks have to ask for permission from the gummint to spawn and many are denied. It’s kinda sad but it makes sense for a country as vast as China. So, the whole wanting-to-experience-pregnancy-deal sort of makes sense to me. Plus, since China is so huge that when odd trends take hold, they’re news.

Read…

“Artificial replicas of pregnant women’s abdomens, made of silica gel, have become hot sellers on the online shopping market, the China News.com reported on Monday.
Looking like the belly of a genuine pregnant woman, the imitations have variously been described as having ”flesh color” and ”human skin texture,” and as ”highly comfortable,” by online shop owners.

There are currently three types of fake bellies being sold, each of which approximates a different period of pregnancy, corresponding to the second and latter trimesters and the final month.”

“Highly comfortable”– guess that’s a switch from being in the “real family way.” I wonder if you can get fake hemorrhoids and a weak bladder for the full effect. I mean, if you’re want to experience pregnancy, why not go for the good, the bad, the ugly and the stinky?

“The replicas are priced from 500 to 1600 yuan ($79-$252), though the slightly more expensive models, priced at around 700 to 800 yuan ($109-$125), have thus far been the best sellers, according to an online shop owner.

“Most of the costumers have bought the bellies for acting performances or as a joke, though others wanted to experience the life of a pregnant woman,” said the owner.

“It looks strange to me. What is the use of it?” said one Internet user.”

I agree with one Internet user.

Moving along ….

I’m on the fence about plastic surgery. On the one hand, I see it as a wonderful tool for those who are disfigured due to an accident, a criminal act or disease. It can heal the mind, body and soul. On the other hand, it’s yet another tool for the most vain and insecure, and for those who have waaaaay too much money to waste on unnecessary pain when all they need is about a year of serious therapy. Then, perhaps about a year volunteering in an Indian leper colony. After those two hopefully life-changing events, plastic surgery won’t even be on the horizon, but knowing this culture, it never left the psyche.

What’s this all about you ask? Well, here. I’ve written enough for the moment.

From Time Out London.

“Christmas shoppers in Marylebone are in for a shock/treat (delete as applicable) tomorrow morning as the Muff March threatens to bring the area to a standstill. Inspired by The Muffia, a group of performance artists that campaign against ‘designer vaginas’, marchers will be donning hirsute merkins (that’s a pubic wig, incase you’ve never come across a merkin before) and marching down Harley Street in a bid to arouse public interest.”

Note to readers–if you’ve never heard of, thought of or discussed merkins, I strongly suggest you bone up on the subject of pubic wigs. You’ll be glad you did.

So far, I’m not shocked by protesting ‘designer vaginas.’ That’s probably because I’ve written about the subject before. Plus, since plastic surgery is such a big deal here, I’m only shocked when I read stories such as this one. No wait, not that one, this one.

Continue.

“The protestors have united around a Facebook page that argues against the pornification of society, hoping to ‘speak out against a porn culture that is driving more and more women to the surgeon’s table to get a “designer vagina”.’ The site claims that the Harley Medical Group received 5,000 inquiries about cosmetic gynaecology in 2010, ’65 percent of them for labial reduction, the rest for tightening and reshaping’, with a 70 percent increase in the labiaplasty operations during 2007-2008.

The organisers say that the protestors will be ‘speaking out against surgeons profiting from body hatred, and raising awareness about the growing pressures on women to seek labiaplasty’, emphasising concern that the operation seems to increase over the Christmas period.”

Dealing with lady issues is bad enough. All of the waxing, plucking and painting that is done to the nether regions is rough, but to voluntarily go under the knife because you believe your outer-cooch is catching the wind like a spinnaker is a bit too much. I’m dying to know how it got that way in the first place! C’mon! For the mens, I’d be willing to bet this procedure would be like having a vasectomy with nothing but a bottle of whiskey to swallow and a leather strap to bite down on to help kill the pain.

Now, onto the last part. Warning — this is gonna get graphic so if you’ve come this far and you’re a bit squeamish, I suggest you just focus on one spot on the wall and go with it. Let it happen.

Sometimes, there are no words.

Take a deeeeeep breath. These sounds worse than a labiaplasty. And, #3? That woman should be locked away from society forever. Too bad the Magdalene laundries have been outlawed.

Finally, gotta give equal time to the dudes.

If you need me, I’ll be in my panic room attempting the first all-bleach lobotomy.

“I’m tired of being humane” & other complaints

First, let’s talk about the GOP roundtable yap-yap fest that happened last night. I was *thisclose* to throwing all of the furniture in my apartment out the window because these candidates are so completely out of touch and mean-spirited. I have very little hope for the political process in this country, AND for those who believe that hate is the answer.

In short, they’re awful human beings. Turns out, what they were all so absolutely certain about, was wrong for the most part.  Sadly, they haven’t moved past the whole ‘Obama should fire Bernanke’ mantra (even though Obama can’t do that); the death panel myth (time to start paying attention Newt-that myth was dispelled during the healthcare debate) and Bachmann still has a hard-on for placing all the blame on Fannie/Freddie & the Reinvestment Act–a conservative talking point that has been proven wrong over and over and over again. I know..I know..I feel your pain. But, WAIT! There’s more! Bachmann must have forgotten all of the money she got from Fannie/Freddie. Guess relying on God didn’t really help pay for the pile of bricks she calls the homestead. Basically, Bachmann is going back to her old material–even the debunked stuff. I bet Ed Rollins is thanking god everyday for leaving her campaign in the crazy dust.

Before I launch into Romney, something must be said about the whole Mormon running the country fiasco. I agree with Chris Christie (yes, you read that correctly) when he said (paraphrasing here) that a person’s religion doesn’t matter when it comes to running the country. Bravo, Mr. Christie–you’re nuts but you’re absolutely correct. But Romney? Really? The company he founded, Bain Capital, is responsible for thousands of lay-offs. Also, Romney raised taxes to pay for Romneycare–something he’s harping on Obama about. Also, he wants to raise taxes on the poor and fuck over women and the poor even more when it comes to healthcare.

The lab that created Herman Cain should be burned to the ground, and everything within a 15-mile radius of the site should be condemned. Kind of like what the Soviets should have done with Chernobyl. His nonsensical ramblings about a tax plan that has been picked apart by economists, and  labelled dangerous and stupid by anyone who isn’t associated with the Koch Bros., proves that he’s not worthy of any type of elected office. I’m sure he’ll be back to selling crappy pizza by Christmas.

And, Rick Perry? Oy. More on him later. I can’t decide if there aren’t enough words to describe him, or too many. Ron Paul needs to corral those eyebrows. Perhaps put a cloaking device on them because they’re destined to escape–soon. Nothing can be said about Santorum. He’s just sad.

It’s gonna be a bumpy election season.

What else? Oh yes. Has anyone noticed that this country is bathing in shit? No? Well, maybe you should start paying attention. This piece of news out of Kansas is so distressing. Kansas is a bad place for women. Period. End of story. Remind me to never live there OR travel through it. Any place that fucked in head doesn’t deserve McCrabass dollars.

It warms the dark crevices of my heart to see that Florida is not a disappointment in the batshit category. Rep. Brad Drake is my new fave GOP nutley. The press release is worth reading, but this part just makes my knees go limp. Sigh.

Rep. Brad Drake

“So, I say let’s end the debate,” he said in the release. “We still have Old Sparky. And if that doesn’t suit the criminal, then we will provide them a .45 caliber lead cocktail instead.”

He’s a keeper, ain’t he? He’s probably the type of guy who would charge the condemned’s family for the bullet used to execute him/her. You know, like they used to do in China.

I love blogs. I do. Most are crap (ahem), some are funny, and then there are those that are so … so… oh fuck. I don’t know. Here’s an example of what I think I am trying to say.

http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/

 

My opinion? It’s a porn fail if the viewer is giving any attention at all to the production design. Just sayin’ ….

I puked when I saw this picture. Happy Halloween, sickos!

And finally, who is Adrianne Curry and why is trying to upstage my Coco?

 

 

 

 

 

And now, a few words about yoga snobs

I’ve touched on this subject briefly in the past, but a few instances happened in the last month or so that warrant mentioning it again: There is nothing worse than a yoga snob.

Yoga snobs are the antithesis of yoga, and from what I can tell, this snobbery is uniquely American.

Gee–what a surprise.

Americans are some of the biggest snobs around. This country is filled with wine snobs (get over yourselves), food snobs (eat shit–it’s food not the Second Coming), label snobs (it’s all made in China anyway, hypocrites), education snobs (you know how hard it is to flunk out of Harvard?), and car snobs (“you are what you drive” should’ve died with the Reagan presidency). I know there are many more snobbery-induced items, but these are the ones that stand out the most to me. You get the idea I’m sure.

Recently, I’ve encountered quite a few yoga snobs. As soon as I mention that I practice Bikram, I get the gamut: “Oh that’s such shit. It’s not even yoga. It’s not pure. Bikram’s an asshole. It’s gross. It’s disgusting…. blah blah blah…yadda yadda yadda.” The BEST is, “Well, if you tried Ashtanga/Vinyasa/Hatha/Kundalini/Fuckme/whatever you’d hate Bikram so much.”

Really? I strike you as the type of person who would REALLY hate something as peaceful as Bikram SO MUCH if I gave another type of yoga a shot? Sorry, I save my hate for the assholes who are trying to take over this country and piss on everyone else in the meantime.

These Bikram haters are so tiresome. It’s boring to hear, and such a huge waste of breath and thought. It’s at the point where I just smile and politely tune them out. It’s not worth trying to explain why I like Bikram because every reason I give is shot down and dismissed as ignorant. As these hater-rants spew forth, I think of pleasant, wonderful things like Ba Le sammiches, owlettes and Steve Coogan. Then, if they’re still pissing on Bikram, I take inventory of all the “Om” tats on their body. It’s easier to think these happy thoughts than listen to some Snooty McHolierThanThou vehemently chastise a yoga practice they probably know very little about. What kills me is none of these folks have the patience, and perhaps the maturity, to ask why I chose Bikram. I guess it’s easier to bitch, whine and moan about it than, oh, I dunno LISTEN to someone else’s reasons for a change?

I’ve tried them all and Bikram works best for me. It’s my thang–see how this works? Here’s the rub: What may work for you, may not work for others. Yeah, I know, it sucks to hear that the world doesn’t revolve around you and your chosen yoga practice, but that’s one more thing you can “dialogue” with your guru about. Make it second on your list–right after discussing which Sanskrit name suits you best.

What surprises me is that allll of these so-called devoted yogis and yoginis are missing the point: There is an appropriate yoga practice for every body. No one practice is better than another, just like no one god is better than another. Whatever works for you should be their philosophy too. Differences should be appreciated and celebrated…isn’t that what yoga is all about?

Perhaps that ‘the world doesn’t revolve around you & your yoga practice’ memo should be sent out again.