What $500 Worth of Crap Looks Like

Melissa sent me this earlier today with the following note: “We could create something like that!”

(courtesy Anthropologie.com)

(courtesy Anthropologie.com)

Ahhhh…Sweet Melissa, no we could not. No. In fact, I couldn’t give you a bigger NO on this one, dearest.

Seriously. If George Clooney showed up allllll nekkid at my skeezy apartment wearing ONLY THIS FUGLY AS FUCK “THING”, I’d have to kick the living shit out him for having such horrid taste. See, my three readers, that speaks volumes because in my sass-n-bitchified opinion, the Cloonster is about as hot as a man can possibly be.

Look–here’s some proof of the above statement–

(Courtesy Tailgate365.com)

(Courtesy Tailgate365.com)

Enough of the handsome man diversion and back to WHY we don’t do crap. Where was I? Oh, right…here..yeah…right THERE…yeah..that’s it..ooohh…yessss… a little to the left … yeah, you hit it…

Yeah..you WISH.

You know why? Because we can’t, don’t and won’t create crap. I’m not into making crap like this because it goes against every fiber of my McCrabass being. I know, I know…considering some of the stuff I’ve created on this here blog, creating this type of crap would probably be a step up for me. Ha! Y’all are the apex of clever, my monosyllabic critics. Gag me with $500 worth of crap.

Of course, someone or someTHING needs to be blamed for this circle of wire, rope, prayers and crap: Insecure broads with too much cash and little to no taste, and the crafting industry and places the promote crafty-crap like Pinterest and Etsy.

Crafters of the world, I have a message for you: Cut it out. Yes, Stop making crafts.

Why?

Because you SUCK at it. You SUCK OUT LOUD at it. No one wants to see it, feel it, love it, ooh & aaah over it, or buy it. They’re just being nice to you because, once upon a time, you were some sort of high-falutin’ exec with an expense account who heard via some oracle like Oprah that it’s ok to follow your dreams.

So you quit your day job, went to Bali for “inspiration”, bought some stencils, a glue gun, oddly colored feathers, and some vintage cashmere sweaters and decided to repurpose your life. Then, your life went down the shitter quick because even your family of hamfatters couldn’t fake liking your craptacular creations anymore, demanded that you get over it and for the love of PETE, get your fucking job back! But nooo…you didn’t listen because you’re following your dreams! Now because of your dreams, your husband is schtupping his assistant AND for good measure, her husband too. Oh and your kids, god love ‘em, have followed in your footsteps in a way ,and are cooking meth in the trunks of their cars for lunch money and to pay for things like Girl Scouts.

In other words, Anthropologie is a twat for selling this.

Something to sink your teeth into

(courtesy of theinsider.com)

Girlfriend needs to up the voltage and lay off the Lithium cocktails.

Kesha Made Bra out of Fans’ Teeth

From Female First.

“Ke$ha made a bra out of her fans’ teeth.

The ‘Die Young’ singer recently asked her followers to send her a tooth each and after receiving over 1,000 canines, she decided to create a bra, headdress and earrings out of them.”

Let me get this straight–when you’re sans talent but are kept around for our amusement (thank you media!), and you’re none the wiser to our mockery but continue to add to our collective misery by doing stupid shit … wait … where was I going with this?

I’ve never heard her braying, but from what I understand her voice is shrill enough to reverse the flow of the Chicago River (again), cause the balls of men to tuck up into their innerds, and … to get her fans to send her their chompers.

I find it hard to believe that so many people thought the swimming pool game ‘Two Times Up & Three Times Down’ was a real one and not just their summer girl’s way of getting you out of her hair while she flirted with the hunky (but closeted) lifeguard. But those dolts seem to believe this woman who looks like a used up ASU sorority girl has enough talent to warrant them yanking their pearly whites from their maws and sending them to her.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Well played, Mayans.

Help McCrabass out please…

Do I really need to give a flying fuck/fiddler’s fart/red rat’s ass about these two people? I don’t think I do but all of social media is screaming that I need to make their overvalued lives my moral imperative.

Seriously people, if you’re soooo obsessed about the love life of two pre-moisties who happen to be talentless hacks, then you need to either up the voltage or start drinking heavily–OR BOTH.

No wonder other countries hate us so much.