Phive Tings: September 25, 2013

1) When Mother Nature wants to get your attention, she does it with a bang.

Damn.

via The Telegraph UK.

Pakistan earthquake island is a ‘mud volcano’

Dr Brian Baptie from the British Geological Survey says the island that appeared off the coast of Pakistan after the earthquake is a “mud volcano” formed as gas and water forced its way to the surface.

Holy shiite. So, even though this 7.7 magnitude quake killed over 300 people, it managed to create an island because why the hell not?

2) It’s no secret that many child stars don’t age well. Some turn to drugsand more drugsSome become strippers then go and kill themselves. Some turn into punk rockers and cameramen/script supervisor. Then, there are those who turn out well, but they’re no fun to talk about, which leads us to Kirk Cameron. Turns out this born again, gay hatin’, blames-the-Holocaust-on-Darwin, Christian is now God’s Dear Abby. Don’t believe me? Then, you’re going to hell, but first read this.

via SFWeekly.com

Kirk Cameron Answers Your Letters to God

God is tough dude to get a hold of see, unless you’re Kirk Cameron. He and the Big Guy are chums–so much so that he had to make a movie about his relationship with God. Oh and Cameron’s–oh SHIT. We missed it. The screening via Liberty University was last night and we fucking missed it. Shitty shitty piss piss fuck fuck.

But WAIT! My sources tell me that this cinematic tour-de-force will be screened AGAIN on October 3rd. Anyone care to join me?

3) While we’re on the subject of religion, another big star of the 1970s/early 80s is having a tough time with her abode.

Olivia Newton-John Holds Exorcism At Florida Home After Contractor Suicide

(via ibtimes.com)

(via ibtimes.com)

via The Inquisitr.

“Olivia Newton-John hired a priest to perform an exorcism at her Florida home after a contractor committed suicide on the property last month.

Christopher Pariseletti was believed to have been having financial difficulties with his business and asked the 64-year-old Grease star for a loan to keep it from closing. He killed himself with a shotgun by the pool while the home was empty and was found by another contractor. Pariseletti was apparently seen crying earlier that morning.”
Aaaaaaand that’s all you really need to know about this story. Why? Because I’m too lazy to write about it.
4) Oh, Florida, Florida, Florida.
via Raw Story.

Yet another Florida man arrested at strip club for leaving kid in car

(via Raw Story)

(via Raw Story)

Why am I not surprised by the word “yet” in the headline? Anyone care to take a stab at as to why?

5) Game, set, smash!

Martina Hingis Teams Up With Mother, Mother’s Boyfriend To Beat Up Husband

(via Exposay.com)

(via Exposay.com)

Apparently, Martina Hingis has a hard time keeping her balls in the court, and likes to play doubles with more than one partner, and her hubby didn’t care for it. So much for tennis being a game about love.

That’s one helluva slam.

Five Things: September 19, 2013

I thought I’d put my Feedly reader to good use and point out some of the more outrageous/interesting/heinous/gnarly/silly, etc. stories cruising around out there.

1) Apparently, Stand Your Ground REALLY only applies to white folks when they shoot black and brown folks, not the other way around. How dare you think that the law is applied evenly and fairly? You think it is? Then, it’s time to take off your fucking rose-colored specs because they’re blinders smeared with shit. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Check this out.

H/t to politicalblindspot.com

ANOTHER Jailed African American In Florida Is Told ‘Stand Your Ground’ Doesn’t Apply To Him

Screen shot 2013-09-19 at 3.28.59 PM

Michael Giles (courtesy of PoliticalBlindspot.com)

Funny thing about laws, they gotta apply to everyone. Oh wait, this is Florida so there’s the rub. While I am not a fan of online petitions, this one might be worth signing.

2) It’s deja-vu–1991 style–all over again.

Why?

Gennifer Flowers is back in the news. She’s now yammering about how that if it weren’t for Chelsea, she and Bill would be all married up n’ shit by now. Oh, and Hillary’s a bi-seck-shul, by the way according to Gennifer via Bill. AND, Hill’s eaten more pussy than Bill. Just sit with that one for a minute. Let it absorb in your being and ooze in and out of your  ….

I know what you’re trying to do now–you’re trying to get that image of Hillary muff diving out of your mental Rolodex. You know what? IT CANNOT BE DONE. I’m sure some of my Sapphic Sisters can relate though.

(courtesy of monstersandcritics.com)

(courtesy of monstersandcritics.com)

You get what’s going on here, yes? Well, Hillary will probably run for POTUS in 2016, so the Right Wing is starting early with the rumor mill. HOWEVER, what they probably don’t realize is that by saying that Hillary swings both ways, she’s collected all of the gay money and has shored up the gay vote. Gays have lots of cash and lots to say, and unfortunately for our brothers and sisters on the right, lots and lots of influence. Nice try, RWNJ, better put a call into Monica to see what she’s been up to lately, you know, as a ‘just in case.’ If Monica is busy, there’s always her.

3) Good luck, Felony. You’re gonna need it.

(via imgur.com)

(via imgur.com)

4) Bring up your dead. I know you saw what I did there.

This case is still very much alive in Boulder these days.

Here’s what I’m talking about. Apparently, some folks just can’t let dead baby beauty queens stay dead. This was a horrible case–not just the actual crime, but how it was handled and screwed up by the Boulder Police Department and the Boulder DA.

(via KTLA)

(via KTLA)

But, what’s extremely important here is the indictment against the Ramseys was never made available to the public. It was presented to a grand jury, they voted to prosecute the Ramseys for the murder of their daughter, JonBenet, but the prosecutor never signed it. Why? This is what Charlie Brennan, a reporter for the Daily Camera and the Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press would like to know. Simply put, in a so-called free society, there has to be transparency. As journalists, this is our main job–to be watchdogs for and of society. We uncover the corruption, the crap–the bad behavior if you will–that so many of our esteemed elected officials would rather you not know about. I know I’ll be following this story because I don’t think it’s over yet. Stay tuned.

5) Finally, a song for today. Tis a grand one too. Enjoy.

The Daily Badass

Diana Nyad.

(courtesy of Yahoo)

Nyad, an accomplished distance and open-water swimmer, has attempted 3 times to swim from Cuba to Florida.

Three times.

Each trek is roughly 103 miles of box jellyfish, Portuguese Man of War, sharks, body-bending currents and unpredictable weather.

Did I mention she tried this three times? However, she never finished any of the swims because of the aforementioned hazards. Now, to us mere mortals, one failure would’ve sent most of us back to our couches and naps-laden weekends instead of swimming around the island of Manhattan or around Key West.

This was not the case with Ms. Nyad.

She learned from her experiences and tried the swim again and again. Her last attempt began on August 18th from Havana and ended earlier this morning due to inclement weather and ‘bad jellyfish stings.’ I bet she would’ve done it this time too.

Her determination is to be admired, studied and copied. Here’s to hoping she does it again.

Did I mention she’s 62 years old? No? She is. What’s cool about her latest attempt is she wanted to finish the swim on August 22nd–her 63rd birthday. You can read more about Diana here.

Of buttholes and bugs …

There are days when I can’t think of a thing to write — shocking but true.

To remedy this blockage, I search within my dark, snark-filled soul and usually a subject magically creeps its way up and out. This works most of the time. However, there are instances where no matter how much navel gazing I do, I end up staring at a blank computer screen.

Recently, the latter happened and it took all of my power to not collect more restraining orders.

Until these two gems were dumped into my RSS feed, and Mama has lots to say about both.

First, I don’t have a problem with tattoos. If you want to cover your body with whimsical artwork

(courtesy inkarttattoos.com)

or use your body as a resume …

… then who am I to judge?

There is very little in this society that has given me pause, until I read this.  Before I continue, you must watch the vidya below.

Such a delicate flower, idn’t she? I wonder which trailer park she rolled out of prior to her semi-sober stroll thru the 17th Annual South Florida (of COURSE) Tattoo Expo. Also, after spending time on the trailer park’s semen-stained community mattress out behind the outhouses with Jed, you’d think she’d have enough sense to, you know, maybe run a comb through her scraggly locks and maybe don some threads that fit.

But what about the tattoo on her ayyy-nooose? Actually, I’m trying not to think about it because it just makes me clench (yep) and sweat (you know it). No wonder she’s doing shots during the hole (oops) procedure. Shit (oh yes), you know you’d all do the same to push (uh huh) through the pain.

Why the anus? WHY? Maybe this is a question that should never be answered. It should remain a mystery. However, according to her, anal tats are gonna be the new thing. So, pucker-up, buttercups!

Meanwhile, over in Japan, things are a bit tamer, yet eye-brow raising.

I have no idea who Shoko “Shokotan” Nakagawa is.

(courtesy of your pervy father’s porn collection and keymochi.com)

I guess she’s some Anime chick who sings and pahfohms fah yew! Ok, fine. I get it, She’s Japan’s answer to Miley Cyrus, minus the creepy, mulletted peepaw. She’s cute — kinda like EVERYTHING in Japan.

Where was I going with this? Sorry, got distracted by the bento boxes shaped like panda bears and the fuzzy bikini Ms. Nakagawa swiped from my closet. Strumpet.

(courtesy of gawker.com)

She’s the Lady Gaga of Japan and I am now a fan. She’s taken Gaga-ness one step further and for that she gets my undying loyalty. She has bugs, not just ordinary bugs, but cicadas on her head and they look COOL. See, I think the cicada is the Cadillac of big-ass bugs. They’re not dirty like cockroaches, and they make a soul-calming sound –if you’re into high-pitched screeching. Plus, the whole 17-year routine they’ve got going is to be respected.

Also, we’re not creeped out enough as a society.

Sliding down Crap Mountain

I worry about the future of this country.

Wait, scratch that. I worry about the future of the human race.

Why?

Read.

Courtesy of WetPaint.com

“Honey Boo Boo Child” Toddlers & Tiaras Star Gets Her Own Spin-Off

What the entire crap? I have no idea who this is because I’ve never watched this show. See, I have issues with embracing mediocrity so I don’t watch reality tee vee. Most of the folks featured on such shows are complete half-wits, and it disgusts me that they have jobs & make shitloads of shekels for being dicks on national tee vee. Meanwhile, I did all things right and am staring down 17 months of unemployment. Land of opportunity? Yeah, sure, if you’re a choad with big tits.

But, I digress.

“If a dollar makes her holler we can only imagine what Toddlers & Tiaras star Alana Thompson thinks of her new spin-off.

The breakout star of the controversial TLC show, who won her way into our hearts with her “honey boo boo child” refrain, has inked a new spin-off deal with TLC. Us Weekly reports that the show will be appropriately titledHere Comes Honey Boo Boo and will premiere with 6 half-hour episodes in August.

The show will reportedly take a look at the little girl behind the go-go juice, following around Alana and her family as they live their lives in rural Georgia. Alana’s family is no stranger to reality television, her mother was featured on Extreme Couponing before appearing on Toddlers & Tiaras.

If you are unfamiliar with Alana and her magical one-liners, please do yourself a favor and check out the video below. You will not regret it!”

Video: Must Watch: Toddlers & Tiaras’ Alana Steals Some Dollars to Make Her Holler

Alana’s new spin-off won’t be the first Toddlers & Tiaras spin-off. Tiny pageant queen Eden Wood landed her own spin-off, Eden’s World, on Logo, but the show has garnered mixed reviews and lackluster ratings. Alan’s spin-off will be the first TLC spin-off from their popular series.

All we want to know is why did it take so long for Alana to land her spin-off?”

Let me get this straight. Some dirt farmers in Georgia (of course), breed and give birth to a brat with blonde locks. So, they dress her up and pimp her out at those baby beauty pageants where she gets to strut her stuff (so wrong I wanna crap myself) and say sassy things to those around her, and watch her mom grow more chins.

Sometimes I wish I was born dumb.

This is a poor example of life imitating art. From Inquisitr.com

Vanderbilt Football Coach James Franklin: My Assistant Coaches Must Have Hot Wives

America has had enough of shitty behavior by those in charge of college football programs. While what Coach Franklin said wasn’t nearly as deplorable as what happened at Penn State, it just shows the level of the mind that is in a position of enormous influence over young men. It also shows that stupid begets stupid.

“James Franklin, the head coach of Vanderbilt University’s football team, apparently has an interesting screening process for potential assistant coach applicants. Forget a strong resume and a solid interview:  He wants to meet the wives to make sure they are attractive enough to qualify as  “Division 1″ recruits.

As reported by multiple media sources, Franklin went on a local Nashville radio station and said the following:

I’ve been saying it for a long time, I will not hire an assistant until I see his wife.  If she looks the part and she’s a D1 recruit, then you got a chance to get hired. That’s part of the deal.  There’s a very strong correlation between having the confidence, going up and talking to a women, and being quick on your feet and having some personality and confidence and being articulate and confident, than it is walking into a high school and recruiting a kid and selling him.

According to Yahoo! Sports, Franklin got his inspiration from the film MoneyBall where a baseball scout opines that “Ugly girlfriend means no confidence.”

There are so many things wrong with this sentiment. First, you’re not allowed to ask anyone in any type of job interview their marital status. It’s illegal.

When they made James Franklin stupid, they made him real stupid. He should lose his job over this “oops” but he won’t because college football rules all, sadly.

Second, the Moneyball reference. If the ‘hot girlfriends’ line was all he got from the film, then he missed the message and doesn’t deserve such a position of power. Oh, and if memory serves, Vanderbilt’s record ain’t that great so it’s probably not wise to rely on Hollywood to help you turn a 6-7 team into a winning one. If Franklin had stopped yanking his pud over his perceived awesomeness of the hot wives mantra, he might have learned that Billy Beane bypassed that recruiting philosophy because it’s horsehit. 

Finally, men like Franklin are dangerous to women. I know this type of man too well I’m afraid. Women, according to Franklin and his ilk, are only as valuable as their dress size. The smaller the size, the more they’re worth. They prove that sexism isn’t being bred out with each new generation.

Call me crazy, but the side of a highway is not a place I’d want to play with my kitty. I know, I know–SHOCKING.

But some women don’t have a problem with pearl diving as 18-wheelers go whizzing by. Especially this gal. Aaand, once again, Florida has the most people occupying Darwin’s Waiting Room (thanks Dennis Miller).

Woman Accused Of Masturbating On Florida Highway

Do you need my commentary on this one? No? Good because I’m too damn tired. Please read here for more info.

I need a drink and perhaps a sedative.

Hoodie-winked

julesagray:

This is one of the best commentaries I’ve seen on the subject of the clusterfuck shit storm in Florida involving Trayvon Martin. Nice work, Squatty.
Onward.

Originally posted on Obalesque:

Help me figure this out.

A lawyer for the man at the center of the Trayvon Martin death investigation said Florida’s “stand your ground” law doesn’t apply to the shooting that killed the unarmed teen.

“In my legal opinion, that’s not really applicable to this case. The statute on ‘stand your ground’ is primarily when you’re in your house,” said Craig Sonner, attorney for George Zimmerman.

“This is self-defense, and that’s been around for forever — that you have a right to defend yourself. So the next issue (that) is going to come up is, was he justified in using the amount of force he did?” — myfox8.com

And yet, with two notable exceptions, the hue and cry across the land is all about Florida’s SYG and the 20 other states with similar statutes.  The two odd men out are Newt Gingrich and Geraldo Rivera.  Newton Leroy thinks the president’s…

View original 378 more words

Shitty news: The mid-week roundup

The past few days have been rough. First, a barbaric law in Florida has allegedly played a role in the death of yet another young black male. My heart aches for his family and friends who mourn Trayvon Martin, but this heartbreak doesn’t match the anger I have for the state of Florida for being the land of choads. Social media stepped up to the plate this time in a big, important way. If it hadn’t been for Facebook and Twitter, Mr. Martin’s death would’ve been another sad footnote in the history of violence aimed at young, black AMERICAN males. This shouldn’t be happening in this day and age. This country has made leaps and bounds with regards to other aspects of social justice, but we’re lacking when it comes to the African American community.

Yes, yes, yes…how would I know how it is seeing that I’m a well-educated  white woman from an upper-middle class family? First and foremost, I’m a human being and I view all human beings as equal. A relatively rare attitude as of late, since some of my white brothers have their knickers in a twist over the fact that we have a black POTUS, and believe that Mr. Obama is going to take away their ‘rights.’ Whatever the fuck that means.

What happened to Trayvon Martin affects all of us. With some it’s immediate and profound, with most of us it’s subtle. This type of senseless death chips away at the structure of American society little by little. I pray that justice will prevail.

Onward.

This guy needs to shuttie his pie hole. Folks who don’t listen to NPR or pay attention to when the media do an ‘Oops! Our bad!’ don’t know the whole Mike Daisey tale of whoa! In short, Mike Daisey is a guy who did a play/performance piece about the horrors of working in an Apple factory in China. Turns out, most of the yarn was fabricated but that didn’t come to light until after “This American Life” did a whole story on Daisey and his play. Note: TAL fact checks everything. EVERYTHING. Daisey lead them astray with his ‘facts’ and that’s where the trouble began. Then, TAL devoted yet another whole show to the fabrication. Got it. Should be the end of it, riiiight? Nope, now Daisey is blaming his wife when he should just shut it down, lick his wounds and do some serious soul searching because he doesn’t want to be known as the Stephen Glass of the performance art world.

Looks like my former governor will be going through some unfortunate changes whilst in the pokey for being all greedy n’ shit. That hair color is not his own–it’s manufactured then sent to drugstores between hither and yon where Mr. Barbers everywhere can buy it for their vain customers.

From the Chicago Sun-Times via the AP.

Blagojevich’s barber: Ex-gov’s hair is dyed,will turn gray in prison

“Rod Blagojevich’s barber says the former Illinois governor’s famously thick, dark hair is dyed and will turn gray within the first months of his prison term.

Peter Vodovoz, also known as “Mr. Barber,” has been Blagojevich’s barber for more than two decades. Vodovoz said Wednesday that the 55-year-old Blagojevich has dyed his hair for years.

Blagojevich reported to a Colorado federal prison last week to begin serving a 14-year sentence for corruption. A prison spokesman says hair dye is banned because inmates could use it to change their appearances in escape attempts.

Vodovoz says Blagojevich’s dark-brown dye will fade quickly, and he could be as gray as talk show host Jay Leno within three months.

When he was governor, Blagojevich was so obsessive about his hair he had a security official carry a brush.”

Hey gov, as the song goes — “A change would do you good.” It would do all of us good since I’m a bit weary of my homestate being the political laughing stock of this nation. Now please Rod, go away so us Illinoisans can get back to business as usual. Well, maybe not AS usual since that behavior tends to land our fearless leaders into buttloads of trouble with the Feds. Also, looking like Jay Leno ain’t necessarily a compliment.

Here’s another who should shuttie her yapper. What’s sad here is how the baby daddy wants nothing to do with his son. Shame on him. And shame on her for not wearing any make up. Knowing how this country is, she would’ve garnered a lot more sympathy had she tried to whore it up a bit during the initial interviews and investigations.

There’s something quite unappetizing about this. Gross. Art, schmart. I’ll say it again: Gross.

Next time, toss a salad in the way we’d all like to see. Orrrr….maybe not. You decide for yourself.

Finally … well, you’ll see.

Someone had a bad day …

I … I … don’t know what to say.

From The Inquistr.

Severed Leg Washes Up Behind St. Petersburg Home

“Police were searching for the owner of a severed leg which washed ashore on a rental property on Thursday.  The Tampa Bay Times reported that a Canadian Family called in the report around 7:40am when the leg washed up in front of their house.

The leg was perfectly cut at the thigh and the foot, and was perfectly shaven, according to investigators.  “We don’t know the cause and manner of death,” said St. Petersburg police Major Mike Kovacsev ‘But obviously someone went to great lengths to dismember this body.’ “

I bet the person isn’t even dead, just a little uneven.

“The leg had no distinctive marks on it and no tattoos.  The police were able to surmise that it had been in the water for a day or two before it was found.  Because the leg was found shaven they are making an assumption that is belonged to a woman.

Investigators can use DNA to try to identify the victim, but investigators were quick to point out that will only work if that person’s DNA is already listed in a governmental database.”

Sounds like the po-po has a leg-up on this one. (yeah I said it)

“Officers on land and water were spread out along the shoreline Tuesday looking  for more body parts and will keep searching in the coming days. Meanwhile, police are asking anyone who may have information about the leg or who it may belong to to contact them with any information that could help. There’s no shortage of ways for a leg to be dumped into Tampa Bay, which is home to numerous marinas and boat slips, countless backyard docks and also commercial shipping lanes.”

So, whilst you’re diddling your date on the beach or watching your pooch take a smelly dump in the sand then watching the kiddies build a sandcastle out of the shit-filled sand, be on the lookout for appendages that may be bobbin’ all willy nilly in the surf.

“What would you do if a leg washed up along your house?”

I’d shit my pants.

“I’m tired of being humane” & other complaints

First, let’s talk about the GOP roundtable yap-yap fest that happened last night. I was *thisclose* to throwing all of the furniture in my apartment out the window because these candidates are so completely out of touch and mean-spirited. I have very little hope for the political process in this country, AND for those who believe that hate is the answer.

In short, they’re awful human beings. Turns out, what they were all so absolutely certain about, was wrong for the most part.  Sadly, they haven’t moved past the whole ‘Obama should fire Bernanke’ mantra (even though Obama can’t do that); the death panel myth (time to start paying attention Newt-that myth was dispelled during the healthcare debate) and Bachmann still has a hard-on for placing all the blame on Fannie/Freddie & the Reinvestment Act–a conservative talking point that has been proven wrong over and over and over again. I know..I know..I feel your pain. But, WAIT! There’s more! Bachmann must have forgotten all of the money she got from Fannie/Freddie. Guess relying on God didn’t really help pay for the pile of bricks she calls the homestead. Basically, Bachmann is going back to her old material–even the debunked stuff. I bet Ed Rollins is thanking god everyday for leaving her campaign in the crazy dust.

Before I launch into Romney, something must be said about the whole Mormon running the country fiasco. I agree with Chris Christie (yes, you read that correctly) when he said (paraphrasing here) that a person’s religion doesn’t matter when it comes to running the country. Bravo, Mr. Christie–you’re nuts but you’re absolutely correct. But Romney? Really? The company he founded, Bain Capital, is responsible for thousands of lay-offs. Also, Romney raised taxes to pay for Romneycare–something he’s harping on Obama about. Also, he wants to raise taxes on the poor and fuck over women and the poor even more when it comes to healthcare.

The lab that created Herman Cain should be burned to the ground, and everything within a 15-mile radius of the site should be condemned. Kind of like what the Soviets should have done with Chernobyl. His nonsensical ramblings about a tax plan that has been picked apart by economists, and  labelled dangerous and stupid by anyone who isn’t associated with the Koch Bros., proves that he’s not worthy of any type of elected office. I’m sure he’ll be back to selling crappy pizza by Christmas.

And, Rick Perry? Oy. More on him later. I can’t decide if there aren’t enough words to describe him, or too many. Ron Paul needs to corral those eyebrows. Perhaps put a cloaking device on them because they’re destined to escape–soon. Nothing can be said about Santorum. He’s just sad.

It’s gonna be a bumpy election season.

What else? Oh yes. Has anyone noticed that this country is bathing in shit? No? Well, maybe you should start paying attention. This piece of news out of Kansas is so distressing. Kansas is a bad place for women. Period. End of story. Remind me to never live there OR travel through it. Any place that fucked in head doesn’t deserve McCrabass dollars.

It warms the dark crevices of my heart to see that Florida is not a disappointment in the batshit category. Rep. Brad Drake is my new fave GOP nutley. The press release is worth reading, but this part just makes my knees go limp. Sigh.

Rep. Brad Drake

“So, I say let’s end the debate,” he said in the release. “We still have Old Sparky. And if that doesn’t suit the criminal, then we will provide them a .45 caliber lead cocktail instead.

He’s a keeper, ain’t he? He’s probably the type of guy who would charge the condemned’s family for the bullet used to execute him/her. You know, like they used to do in China.

I love blogs. I do. Most are crap (ahem), some are funny, and then there are those that are so … so… oh fuck. I don’t know. Here’s an example of what I think I am trying to say.

http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/

 

My opinion? It’s a porn fail if the viewer is giving any attention at all to the production design. Just sayin’ ….

I puked when I saw this picture. Happy Halloween, sickos!

And finally, who is Adrianne Curry and why is trying to upstage my Coco?

 

 

 

 

 

Huntsman (spider) for President

Once upon a time, I was bit* by a Black Widow Spider.

*SHUDDER*

I remember feeling like the skin around the bite was melting as if I had been splashed with acid. I remember sweating and having mild hallucinations whilst lying in a Los Angeles emergency room with a big-ass IV pumping fluids and a spider-venom nullifier into my veins . I remember feeling like hammered shit for about a week afterwards.

What this horrid little creature did was give me a newfound respect for arachnids. You’re probably thinking, “McCrabby, that’s cray-cray. You respect spiders after being bitten by one of most dangerous breeds ever to creep and crawl on the Earth? You need help, MACHT SCHNELL!”

Yep.

From that moment forward, I didn’t smash spiders with fancy footwear; I didn’t shoo them out of my house; I didn’t sic the cats on them and I didn’t spray them with DDT. I followed the “live and let live” mantra. After all, the Chinese say that spiders bring good luck and shouldn’t be sacrificed. Uh huh.

Then, I was introduced to the Huntsman Spider.

The stuff that nightmares are made of.

Wait..the above photo doesn’t show the sheer fucking size of this beast.

This one’s better.

No one will hear you scream.

From what I’ve read, these arachnids live mainly in Australia. Not even in this hemisphere! Yee-fuckin’ ha! We’re safe! Whooopeee! Those big, ugly spiders CAN’T HURT US! Yesssssssss! We’re free, free, FREEEEEE!

Not so fast, McCrabby…

However, more digging brought creepy, sad news.

A version of the Huntsman has been found in Florida. Of course–IN FLORIDA. AMERICA’S WANG. Or, as my friend Squatty calls it the “Nation’s Dicktip.” You’d think that for once, FOR ONCE, Florida would give the rest of the country a break, but noooo! Florida couldn’t stop after unleashing George W. Bush on us. Nope. Or Marco Rubio. Or Gov. Rick Scott. (In all fairness though, all three men have given comedy writers comedy gold for years–even at the expense of this country’s sanity.)

This meaty spider just had to migrate there and set up shop. Greedy bastard. Probably wants free health care — yep. Probably is the first in line at the Early Bird Special each day and he hogs all the chocolate pudding too. Wanker. Probably has horrid table manners and takes his teef out to scare the grandkids who visit their meemaws and peepaws.

At least the arachnid Huntsman is a lot more interesting than the dull Huntsman.

*not my arm in the photo