The Daily Badass

Diana Nyad.

(courtesy of Yahoo)

Nyad, an accomplished distance and open-water swimmer, has attempted 3 times to swim from Cuba to Florida.

Three times.

Each trek is roughly 103 miles of box jellyfish, Portuguese Man of War, sharks, body-bending currents and unpredictable weather.

Did I mention she tried this three times? However, she never finished any of the swims because of the aforementioned hazards. Now, to us mere mortals, one failure would’ve sent most of us back to our couches and naps-laden weekends instead of swimming around the island of Manhattan or around Key West.

This was not the case with Ms. Nyad.

She learned from her experiences and tried the swim again and again. Her last attempt began on August 18th from Havana and ended earlier this morning due to inclement weather and ‘bad jellyfish stings.’ I bet she would’ve done it this time too.

Her determination is to be admired, studied and copied. Here’s to hoping she does it again.

Did I mention she’s 62 years old? No? She is. What’s cool about her latest attempt is she wanted to finish the swim on August 22nd–her 63rd birthday. You can read more about Diana here.

Of buttholes and bugs …

There are days when I can’t think of a thing to write — shocking but true.

To remedy this blockage, I search within my dark, snark-filled soul and usually a subject magically creeps its way up and out. This works most of the time. However, there are instances where no matter how much navel gazing I do, I end up staring at a blank computer screen.

Recently, the latter happened and it took all of my power to not collect more restraining orders.

Until these two gems were dumped into my RSS feed, and Mama has lots to say about both.

First, I don’t have a problem with tattoos. If you want to cover your body with whimsical artwork

(courtesy inkarttattoos.com)

or use your body as a resume …

… then who am I to judge?

There is very little in this society that has given me pause, until I read this.  Before I continue, you must watch the vidya below.

Such a delicate flower, idn’t she? I wonder which trailer park she rolled out of prior to her semi-sober stroll thru the 17th Annual South Florida (of COURSE) Tattoo Expo. Also, after spending time on the trailer park’s semen-stained community mattress out behind the outhouses with Jed, you’d think she’d have enough sense to, you know, maybe run a comb through her scraggly locks and maybe don some threads that fit.

But what about the tattoo on her ayyy-nooose? Actually, I’m trying not to think about it because it just makes me clench (yep) and sweat (you know it). No wonder she’s doing shots during the hole (oops) procedure. Shit (oh yes), you know you’d all do the same to push (uh huh) through the pain.

Why the anus? WHY? Maybe this is a question that should never be answered. It should remain a mystery. However, according to her, anal tats are gonna be the new thing. So, pucker-up, buttercups!

Meanwhile, over in Japan, things are a bit tamer, yet eye-brow raising.

I have no idea who Shoko “Shokotan” Nakagawa is.

(courtesy of your pervy father’s porn collection and keymochi.com)

I guess she’s some Anime chick who sings and pahfohms fah yew! Ok, fine. I get it, She’s Japan’s answer to Miley Cyrus, minus the creepy, mulletted peepaw. She’s cute — kinda like EVERYTHING in Japan.

Where was I going with this? Sorry, got distracted by the bento boxes shaped like panda bears and the fuzzy bikini Ms. Nakagawa swiped from my closet. Strumpet.

(courtesy of gawker.com)

She’s the Lady Gaga of Japan and I am now a fan. She’s taken Gaga-ness one step further and for that she gets my undying loyalty. She has bugs, not just ordinary bugs, but cicadas on her head and they look COOL. See, I think the cicada is the Cadillac of big-ass bugs. They’re not dirty like cockroaches, and they make a soul-calming sound –if you’re into high-pitched screeching. Plus, the whole 17-year routine they’ve got going is to be respected.

Also, we’re not creeped out enough as a society.

Sliding down Crap Mountain

I worry about the future of this country.

Wait, scratch that. I worry about the future of the human race.

Why?

Read.

Courtesy of WetPaint.com

“Honey Boo Boo Child” Toddlers & Tiaras Star Gets Her Own Spin-Off

What the entire crap? I have no idea who this is because I’ve never watched this show. See, I have issues with embracing mediocrity so I don’t watch reality tee vee. Most of the folks featured on such shows are complete half-wits, and it disgusts me that they have jobs & make shitloads of shekels for being dicks on national tee vee. Meanwhile, I did all things right and am staring down 17 months of unemployment. Land of opportunity? Yeah, sure, if you’re a choad with big tits.

But, I digress.

“If a dollar makes her holler we can only imagine what Toddlers & Tiaras star Alana Thompson thinks of her new spin-off.

The breakout star of the controversial TLC show, who won her way into our hearts with her “honey boo boo child” refrain, has inked a new spin-off deal with TLC. Us Weekly reports that the show will be appropriately titledHere Comes Honey Boo Boo and will premiere with 6 half-hour episodes in August.

The show will reportedly take a look at the little girl behind the go-go juice, following around Alana and her family as they live their lives in rural Georgia. Alana’s family is no stranger to reality television, her mother was featured on Extreme Couponing before appearing on Toddlers & Tiaras.

If you are unfamiliar with Alana and her magical one-liners, please do yourself a favor and check out the video below. You will not regret it!”

http://static.discoverymedia.com/videos/components/tlc/98ac3a74fae5f3b7602d5834fad20fd952625d62/snag-it-player.html?auto=no

Video: Must Watch: Toddlers & Tiaras’ Alana Steals Some Dollars to Make Her Holler

Alana’s new spin-off won’t be the first Toddlers & Tiaras spin-off. Tiny pageant queen Eden Wood landed her own spin-off, Eden’s World, on Logo, but the show has garnered mixed reviews and lackluster ratings. Alan’s spin-off will be the first TLC spin-off from their popular series.

All we want to know is why did it take so long for Alana to land her spin-off?”

Let me get this straight. Some dirt farmers in Georgia (of course), breed and give birth to a brat with blonde locks. So, they dress her up and pimp her out at those baby beauty pageants where she gets to strut her stuff (so wrong I wanna crap myself) and say sassy things to those around her, and watch her mom grow more chins.

Sometimes I wish I was born dumb.

This is a poor example of life imitating art. From Inquisitr.com

Vanderbilt Football Coach James Franklin: My Assistant Coaches Must Have Hot Wives

America has had enough of shitty behavior by those in charge of college football programs. While what Coach Franklin said wasn’t nearly as deplorable as what happened at Penn State, it just shows the level of the mind that is in a position of enormous influence over young men. It also shows that stupid begets stupid.

“James Franklin, the head coach of Vanderbilt University’s football team, apparently has an interesting screening process for potential assistant coach applicants. Forget a strong resume and a solid interview:  He wants to meet the wives to make sure they are attractive enough to qualify as  “Division 1″ recruits.

As reported by multiple media sources, Franklin went on a local Nashville radio station and said the following:

I’ve been saying it for a long time, I will not hire an assistant until I see his wife.  If she looks the part and she’s a D1 recruit, then you got a chance to get hired. That’s part of the deal.  There’s a very strong correlation between having the confidence, going up and talking to a women, and being quick on your feet and having some personality and confidence and being articulate and confident, than it is walking into a high school and recruiting a kid and selling him.

According to Yahoo! Sports, Franklin got his inspiration from the film MoneyBall where a baseball scout opines that “Ugly girlfriend means no confidence.”

There are so many things wrong with this sentiment. First, you’re not allowed to ask anyone in any type of job interview their marital status. It’s illegal.

When they made James Franklin stupid, they made him real stupid. He should lose his job over this “oops” but he won’t because college football rules all, sadly.

Second, the Moneyball reference. If the ‘hot girlfriends’ line was all he got from the film, then he missed the message and doesn’t deserve such a position of power. Oh, and if memory serves, Vanderbilt’s record ain’t that great so it’s probably not wise to rely on Hollywood to help you turn a 6-7 team into a winning one. If Franklin had stopped yanking his pud over his perceived awesomeness of the hot wives mantra, he might have learned that Billy Beane bypassed that recruiting philosophy because it’s horsehit. 

Finally, men like Franklin are dangerous to women. I know this type of man too well I’m afraid. Women, according to Franklin and his ilk, are only as valuable as their dress size. The smaller the size, the more they’re worth. They prove that sexism isn’t being bred out with each new generation.

Call me crazy, but the side of a highway is not a place I’d want to play with my kitty. I know, I know–SHOCKING.

But some women don’t have a problem with pearl diving as 18-wheelers go whizzing by. Especially this gal. Aaand, once again, Florida has the most people occupying Darwin’s Waiting Room (thanks Dennis Miller).

Woman Accused Of Masturbating On Florida Highway

Do you need my commentary on this one? No? Good because I’m too damn tired. Please read here for more info.

I need a drink and perhaps a sedative.

Grand-Stand Your Ground

Reblogged from Obalesque:

Help me figure this out.

A lawyer for the man at the center of the Trayvon Martin death investigation said Florida’s “stand your ground” law doesn’t apply to the shooting that killed the unarmed teen.

“In my legal opinion, that’s not really applicable to this case. The statute on ‘stand your ground’ is primarily when you’re in your house,” said Craig Sonner, attorney for George Zimmerman.

Read more… 469 more words

This is one of the best commentaries I've seen on the subject of the clusterfuck shit storm in Florida involving Trayvon Martin. Nice work, Squatty. Onward.

Shitty news: The mid-week roundup

The past few days have been rough. First, a barbaric law in Florida has allegedly played a role in the death of yet another young black male. My heart aches for his family and friends who mourn Trayvon Martin, but this heartbreak doesn’t match the anger I have for the state of Florida for being the land of choads. Social media stepped up to the plate this time in a big, important way. If it hadn’t been for Facebook and Twitter, Mr. Martin’s death would’ve been another sad footnote in the history of violence aimed at young, black AMERICAN males. This shouldn’t be happening in this day and age. This country has made leaps and bounds with regards to other aspects of social justice, but we’re lacking when it comes to the African American community.

Yes, yes, yes…how would I know how it is seeing that I’m a well-educated  white woman from an upper-middle class family? First and foremost, I’m a human being and I view all human beings as equal. A relatively rare attitude as of late, since some of my white brothers have their knickers in a twist over the fact that we have a black POTUS, and believe that Mr. Obama is going to take away their ‘rights.’ Whatever the fuck that means.

What happened to Trayvon Martin affects all of us. With some it’s immediate and profound, with most of us it’s subtle. This type of senseless death chips away at the structure of American society little by little. I pray that justice will prevail.

Onward.

This guy needs to shuttie his pie hole. Folks who don’t listen to NPR or pay attention to when the media do an ‘Oops! Our bad!’ don’t know the whole Mike Daisey tale of whoa! In short, Mike Daisey is a guy who did a play/performance piece about the horrors of working in an Apple factory in China. Turns out, most of the yarn was fabricated but that didn’t come to light until after “This American Life” did a whole story on Daisey and his play. Note: TAL fact checks everything. EVERYTHING. Daisey lead them astray with his ‘facts’ and that’s where the trouble began. Then, TAL devoted yet another whole show to the fabrication. Got it. Should be the end of it, riiiight? Nope, now Daisey is blaming his wife when he should just shut it down, lick his wounds and do some serious soul searching because he doesn’t want to be known as the Stephen Glass of the performance art world.

Looks like my former governor will be going through some unfortunate changes whilst in the pokey for being all greedy n’ shit. That hair color is not his own–it’s manufactured then sent to drugstores between hither and yon where Mr. Barbers everywhere can buy it for their vain customers.

From the Chicago Sun-Times via the AP.

Blagojevich’s barber: Ex-gov’s hair is dyed,will turn gray in prison

“Rod Blagojevich’s barber says the former Illinois governor’s famously thick, dark hair is dyed and will turn gray within the first months of his prison term.

Peter Vodovoz, also known as “Mr. Barber,” has been Blagojevich’s barber for more than two decades. Vodovoz said Wednesday that the 55-year-old Blagojevich has dyed his hair for years.

Blagojevich reported to a Colorado federal prison last week to begin serving a 14-year sentence for corruption. A prison spokesman says hair dye is banned because inmates could use it to change their appearances in escape attempts.

Vodovoz says Blagojevich’s dark-brown dye will fade quickly, and he could be as gray as talk show host Jay Leno within three months.

When he was governor, Blagojevich was so obsessive about his hair he had a security official carry a brush.”

Hey gov, as the song goes — “A change would do you good.” It would do all of us good since I’m a bit weary of my homestate being the political laughing stock of this nation. Now please Rod, go away so us Illinoisans can get back to business as usual. Well, maybe not AS usual since that behavior tends to land our fearless leaders into buttloads of trouble with the Feds. Also, looking like Jay Leno ain’t necessarily a compliment.

Here’s another who should shuttie her yapper. What’s sad here is how the baby daddy wants nothing to do with his son. Shame on him. And shame on her for not wearing any make up. Knowing how this country is, she would’ve garnered a lot more sympathy had she tried to whore it up a bit during the initial interviews and investigations.

There’s something quite unappetizing about this. Gross. Art, schmart. I’ll say it again: Gross.

Next time, toss a salad in the way we’d all like to see. Orrrr….maybe not. You decide for yourself.

Finally … well, you’ll see.

Someone had a bad day …

I … I … don’t know what to say.

From The Inquistr.

Severed Leg Washes Up Behind St. Petersburg Home

“Police were searching for the owner of a severed leg which washed ashore on a rental property on Thursday.  The Tampa Bay Times reported that a Canadian Family called in the report around 7:40am when the leg washed up in front of their house.

The leg was perfectly cut at the thigh and the foot, and was perfectly shaven, according to investigators.  “We don’t know the cause and manner of death,” said St. Petersburg police Major Mike Kovacsev ‘But obviously someone went to great lengths to dismember this body.’ “

I bet the person isn’t even dead, just a little uneven.

“The leg had no distinctive marks on it and no tattoos.  The police were able to surmise that it had been in the water for a day or two before it was found.  Because the leg was found shaven they are making an assumption that is belonged to a woman.

Investigators can use DNA to try to identify the victim, but investigators were quick to point out that will only work if that person’s DNA is already listed in a governmental database.”

Sounds like the po-po has a leg-up on this one. (yeah I said it)

“Officers on land and water were spread out along the shoreline Tuesday looking  for more body parts and will keep searching in the coming days. Meanwhile, police are asking anyone who may have information about the leg or who it may belong to to contact them with any information that could help. There’s no shortage of ways for a leg to be dumped into Tampa Bay, which is home to numerous marinas and boat slips, countless backyard docks and also commercial shipping lanes.”

So, whilst you’re diddling your date on the beach or watching your pooch take a smelly dump in the sand then watching the kiddies build a sandcastle out of the shit-filled sand, be on the lookout for appendages that may be bobbin’ all willy nilly in the surf.

“What would you do if a leg washed up along your house?”

I’d shit my pants.

“I’m tired of being humane” & other complaints

First, let’s talk about the GOP roundtable yap-yap fest that happened last night. I was *thisclose* to throwing all of the furniture in my apartment out the window because these candidates are so completely out of touch and mean-spirited. I have very little hope for the political process in this country, AND for those who believe that hate is the answer.

In short, they’re awful human beings. Turns out, what they were all so absolutely certain about, was wrong for the most part.  Sadly, they haven’t moved past the whole ‘Obama should fire Bernanke’ mantra (even though Obama can’t do that); the death panel myth (time to start paying attention Newt-that myth was dispelled during the healthcare debate) and Bachmann still has a hard-on for placing all the blame on Fannie/Freddie & the Reinvestment Act–a conservative talking point that has been proven wrong over and over and over again. I know..I know..I feel your pain. But, WAIT! There’s more! Bachmann must have forgotten all of the money she got from Fannie/Freddie. Guess relying on God didn’t really help pay for the pile of bricks she calls the homestead. Basically, Bachmann is going back to her old material–even the debunked stuff. I bet Ed Rollins is thanking god everyday for leaving her campaign in the crazy dust.

Before I launch into Romney, something must be said about the whole Mormon running the country fiasco. I agree with Chris Christie (yes, you read that correctly) when he said (paraphrasing here) that a person’s religion doesn’t matter when it comes to running the country. Bravo, Mr. Christie–you’re nuts but you’re absolutely correct. But Romney? Really? The company he founded, Bain Capital, is responsible for thousands of lay-offs. Also, Romney raised taxes to pay for Romneycare–something he’s harping on Obama about. Also, he wants to raise taxes on the poor and fuck over women and the poor even more when it comes to healthcare.

The lab that created Herman Cain should be burned to the ground, and everything within a 15-mile radius of the site should be condemned. Kind of like what the Soviets should have done with Chernobyl. His nonsensical ramblings about a tax plan that has been picked apart by economists, and  labelled dangerous and stupid by anyone who isn’t associated with the Koch Bros., proves that he’s not worthy of any type of elected office. I’m sure he’ll be back to selling crappy pizza by Christmas.

And, Rick Perry? Oy. More on him later. I can’t decide if there aren’t enough words to describe him, or too many. Ron Paul needs to corral those eyebrows. Perhaps put a cloaking device on them because they’re destined to escape–soon. Nothing can be said about Santorum. He’s just sad.

It’s gonna be a bumpy election season.

What else? Oh yes. Has anyone noticed that this country is bathing in shit? No? Well, maybe you should start paying attention. This piece of news out of Kansas is so distressing. Kansas is a bad place for women. Period. End of story. Remind me to never live there OR travel through it. Any place that fucked in head doesn’t deserve McCrabass dollars.

It warms the dark crevices of my heart to see that Florida is not a disappointment in the batshit category. Rep. Brad Drake is my new fave GOP nutley. The press release is worth reading, but this part just makes my knees go limp. Sigh.

Rep. Brad Drake

“So, I say let’s end the debate,” he said in the release. “We still have Old Sparky. And if that doesn’t suit the criminal, then we will provide them a .45 caliber lead cocktail instead.”

He’s a keeper, ain’t he? He’s probably the type of guy who would charge the condemned’s family for the bullet used to execute him/her. You know, like they used to do in China.

I love blogs. I do. Most are crap (ahem), some are funny, and then there are those that are so … so… oh fuck. I don’t know. Here’s an example of what I think I am trying to say.

http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/

 

My opinion? It’s a porn fail if the viewer is giving any attention at all to the production design. Just sayin’ ….

I puked when I saw this picture. Happy Halloween, sickos!

And finally, who is Adrianne Curry and why is trying to upstage my Coco?

 

 

 

 

 

Huntsman (spider) for President

Once upon a time, I was bit* by a Black Widow Spider.

*SHUDDER*

I remember feeling like the skin around the bite was melting as if I had been splashed with acid. I remember sweating and having mild hallucinations whilst lying in a Los Angeles emergency room with a big-ass IV pumping fluids and a spider-venom nullifier into my veins . I remember feeling like hammered shit for about a week afterwards.

What this horrid little creature did was give me a newfound respect for arachnids. You’re probably thinking, “McCrabby, that’s cray-cray. You respect spiders after being bitten by one of most dangerous breeds ever to creep and crawl on the Earth? You need help, MACHT SCHNELL!”

Yep.

From that moment forward, I didn’t smash spiders with fancy footwear; I didn’t shoo them out of my house; I didn’t sic the cats on them and I didn’t spray them with DDT. I followed the “live and let live” mantra. After all, the Chinese say that spiders bring good luck and shouldn’t be sacrificed. Uh huh.

Then, I was introduced to the Huntsman Spider.

The stuff that nightmares are made of.

Wait..the above photo doesn’t show the sheer fucking size of this beast.

This one’s better.

No one will hear you scream.

From what I’ve read, these arachnids live mainly in Australia. Not even in this hemisphere! Yee-fuckin’ ha! We’re safe! Whooopeee! Those big, ugly spiders CAN’T HURT US! Yesssssssss! We’re free, free, FREEEEEE!

Not so fast, McCrabby…

However, more digging brought creepy, sad news.

A version of the Huntsman has been found in Florida. Of course–IN FLORIDA. AMERICA’S WANG. Or, as my friend Squatty calls it the “Nation’s Dicktip.” You’d think that for once, FOR ONCE, Florida would give the rest of the country a break, but noooo! Florida couldn’t stop after unleashing George W. Bush on us. Nope. Or Marco Rubio. Or Gov. Rick Scott. (In all fairness though, all three men have given comedy writers comedy gold for years–even at the expense of this country’s sanity.)

This meaty spider just had to migrate there and set up shop. Greedy bastard. Probably wants free health care — yep. Probably is the first in line at the Early Bird Special each day and he hogs all the chocolate pudding too. Wanker. Probably has horrid table manners and takes his teef out to scare the grandkids who visit their meemaws and peepaws.

At least the arachnid Huntsman is a lot more interesting than the dull Huntsman.

*not my arm in the photo

When the sky went gray …

… You didn’t turn away/Somehow we had to stay together…

Nick Ashford died this week at the age of 70. Along with his wife Valerie Simpson, they wrote some of the finest lyrics in recent history, including “Solid” released in 1984. It was one of THE funnest songs EVER to sing along to. I have fond memories of driving the freeways of LA, singing along with my crappy radio not caring who saw, or even heard, my dulcet tones. It was probably more like screaming, but it was fun nonetheless, especially when I had a crooner-in-crime, like John Groom, singing Nick’s part.

Ashford’s death wasn’t the only notable music industry death this week. Jerry Leiber, who wrote such memorable songs as “Hound Dog,” “Stand By Me,” and “Is That All There Is?” with his writing partner Mike Stoller, died at age 78 on August 22. This morning, I watched a snippet of an interview he did for CBS back in the ’90s. The reporter asked why he and Stoller wrote mainly R&B songs, and I’m paraphrasing here, Leiber said that Black folks were nicer, cooler and easier to write for than White folks. That’s a helluva tribute.

RIP, Mr. Leiber. I doubt the music business will ever experience anyone quite like you or Mr. Ashford ever again.

Now, onto the FUN.

The East Coast was rocked by two huge-ass forces of nature this week: an earthquake and a hurricane. Having survived many an earthquake whilst living in LA, I was nonplussed about the earth shaking up things a bit. I watched the reactions of folks on Twitter and Facebook with the right amount of smugness. Sure, it’s scary, but what they experienced was nothing compared to quakes I’ve been through. It brought back memories of being semi-buried under debris right after Northridge in 1994.

Hurricanes are another matter. I’ve never experienced one–just the leftovers of the ones that mosey up the Mississippi River after unleashing their terror on the Gulf Coast. I was impressed by the preparedness by the states in the hurricane’s path.

Looks like lessons were learned after Katrina. I should fucking hope so. While we’re on the subject of music, this song is quite appropriate for Irene & her aftermath.

This site is awesome. The entries are only a few sentences, but they bring stirring and sometimes funny scenarios to mind.

What the shit is the matter with Florida? I know, I know, the answer is a long one but it has to be answered. Maybe not all at once, but something has to be said about the assfuckery that’s going on in America’s Wang. How the hell Rick Scott got elected is beyond me. Same with Marco Rubio. Both of these half-wits haven’t been paying attention to anything but their (probably) limp, tiny peens to get that what they’re proposing for the citizens of Florida is downright dangerous and stupid. Completely out of touch they both are, and if they’re considered the future of the GOP then the best solution is to pull back and nuke Florida from space. It’s the only way to be sure.

I’d take Blago over Scott any day. Sure, Blago’s a tool, but he’s OUR tool!

This is probably fake but, dammit, it’s fucking hilarious. I wish I could write funny too.

Finally….

This is probably a smart move. One wouldn’t want to be upstaged by the smart guy.