Concession Speechless

Now that Mitt Romney is a footnote in presidential campaign history, more info is coming out about his last few hours of his campaign. For example, he didn’t have a concession speech prepared–and it showed. Turns out, he believed the swill that was coming out of the right wing noise machine, and didn’t feel it was necessary to compose TWO speeches. We’ve all seen his concession speech–I use it as an insomnia cure by playing it on a loop with “Lawrence of Arabia.” He probably composed that little ditty on a spare pair of magic knickers whilst the Secret Service was high-tailing it out of there, and whilst Ann was cancelling campaign workers’ credit cards. Luckily, we have a copy of his, ahem, “victory” speech for our viewing pleasure.

Now, my fave part of this whole shock and awe that has hit the Romney campaign is the fact that the President Romney transition website went live for a short while yesterday. Nice to know that he was really planning on fucking over people by getting rid of the ACA, or by cutting it so much that you probably would lose your house if you got castrophically ill and your regular insurance wouldn’t cover your treatment. Yeah, he’s a real fucking patriot, and it’s so presidential to actually want to fuck over half the country.

(courtesy techpresident.com)

He paid $25k for it too.

(courtesy politicalwire.com)

I have some friends who voted for Romney and I am sorry for their loss. I do and don’t get why they voted for him, just like I’m sure they feel the same way about me and my vote. While Obama ain’t perfect, he’s the one who will keep this country moving onward by not fucking over women, minorities, and the poor with archaic policies that will be headed up by folks like Allen West (“Secy of Defense”) and John Bolton (Secy of State). Of course, those are satirical choices, maybe these are closer to the truth. But, the idea of Scott Walker makes me realize that maybe these possibilities are Onion-esque too.

Only time will tell. You can find me at the bar if you need me.

 

 

Porn & Post-Election fun

Why am I not surprised that most of the gals who were all snatch first for Hef have names like Amber, Brandi(y), Tiffany, Brittany, Ashley, and MIRIAM?

Yes, MIRIAM.

While Miriam is a lovely name, it doesn’t exactly conjure up the image of sexy beaver, bodacious tatas and digging on walks in the rain whilst wearing lingerie from Dress Barn. Miriam to me screams bubbe–the type who steals packets of sugar from restaurants, who has a database filled with “Oh how I’ve suffered” stories locked away in her noggin, who also uses wadded up & used a billion times Kleenex doused in her own spit to clean your dirty face, AND who hands you her comb with the hopes that you’ll do away with the holes in her hair. I think I’ve seen my future ….

Post-election fun

While I’m glad my guy prevailed, I must admit it was so fun watching Turd Blossom implode on Fox News. Totally helped to make the victory that much more sweet. I wanna know when after the official announcement that the Kenyan Muslim Socialist Gay Marxist had won re-election that Rove flushed his Smartphone down ye olde toilet because he is so NOT down with getting his ass chewed out by pasty, white billionaires.

Then, there was Bill O’Reilly, who has more chins than a Chinese phonebook, saying how the demographics of this country have changed (no shit, Sherlock) and how people want “stuff.” If that ridiculous, choady, and out-of-touch statement wasn’t offensive enough, there was the “traditional America” quip which in double-speak means “rich, white men are slowly becoming the minority and because of how shitty we’ve been toward those who don’t share our skin color or maleness, we are now in trouuuuble.”

Enjoy.

My god–No wonder Romney LOST CALIFORNIA AND ITS 55 ELECTORAL VOTES. He had THIS GUY running his game in the Golden State.

I guess it is true–only the good die young.

Here’s my new, fab-fave, post-election Tumblr.

I hope she shuts the fuck up now.

Finally, my fave election vidya ever.

Very Presidential

The finish line for the presidential election is in sight and thank fucking dog for that.

I don’t know about y’all, but this particular election season has been tough to take –even for a political junkie like myself. The decision for me was easy because I knew who I was going to vote for after pulling the lever in the previous presidential election. For those of you who don’t know me very well, let’s just say I rather enjoy having complete reign over my lady parts, and I care about what happens to those less fortunate than myself–even those folks who don’t look like me.

I wish I had stocks to sell to pay for my education, and hopefully someday I’ll be able to do it. When that day comes, I know I’ll still be on the side of all Americans, not just rooting for a select few who buy shit like helicopters, strap dogs to car roofs and pal around with NASCAR team owners.

To cut some of the nastiness of the past few months, here’s some presidential tidbits, trivia and other fun stuff to enjoy.

Who knew the 8th President of the United States would inspire a group of ne’er-do-wells to form a street gang in his name? I had no idea he was so mean, but Kramer did.

George learns how mean the Van B Boys are the hard way.

President Van Buren would be so proud.

Big meanie: President Van Buren (courtesy nndb.com)

Size doesn’t matter. The 4th President, James Madison, was the tiniest. He weighed about a buck and standing at a mere 5’4″, he coulda been a jockey if he desired. Standing at 6’4″, the tallest was Abraham Lincoln. President William Howard Taft was the most zaftig so far, weighing in at about 3 bills. Once President Taft got stuck in the White House bathtub and after being set free from his porcelain prison, he ordered a new one installed. This new tub could hold 4 grown men.

President Taft (courtesy funwithhistory.wordpress.com)

Age before beauty. The oldest was the Gipper (69) and the youngest elected was JFK (43). But the youngest POTUS to serve was Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy took over for President McKinley after McKinley was shot dead by an anarchist in September 1901. Teddy was 42 when he took over the top spot in politics.

The sporting life. President Benjamin Harrison was the first POTUS to attend a baseball game–the Cincinnati Reds vs. the Washington Senators (the Reds won). President Taft was the first prez to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. This became a regular occurrence for all presidents, with one exception–Jimmy Carter. Oh, and John Quincy Adams loved to get all nekkid and swim in the Potomac each morning.
There goes my erection.
Geo Washington, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams all had one thing in common–besides diddling lady slaves–they adored, collected and played marbles.

Knock, knock, knocking on heaven’s door. Four presidents were assassinated while in office: Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and JFK. Six others were much luckier and survived attempts on their lives: Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, Truman, Ford and the Gipper. Four others bought the farm whilst POTUS: Harrison succumbed to pneumonia one month to the day, after making the longest inauguration speech EVER. Zachary Taylor’s gut exploded 16 months after taking office in 1850. Major poon hound and the leader of  one of the most scandal-ridden administrations, Warren Harding, died suddenly in August 1923. The official party line was he died from a heart attack, but rumor has it his better half poisoned him because she was sick of him playing hide the presidential sausage with other ladies. The second and third presidents, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, respectively, died on the same day: July 4, 1826.

Smokin’ hot dead POTUS

Et cetera. Tricky Dick was the first president to visit all 50 states. Teddy Roosevelt was the first POTUS to travel abroad (Panama Canal), Slick Willie took 133 trips out of the country–the most of all presidents. President Roosevelt was the first one to fly on an aero-plane. That was in 1943. The Commonwealth of Virginia birthed the most presidents (8), while 31 states haven’t had one yet. The first POTUS born a US citizen was Martin Van Buren. The others before him were fuzzy ferriners.

Thoughts on 2016. Are you kidding? I don’t have any idea as to who I’ll back in 4 years. I just want to get through this one alive and stay on the right side of the law. But, I DO have an idea as to who should throw his besotted cap into the ring: Dave Tillis.

The Daily Asshole

Gotcha! You thought I was referring to him, didn’t you? (Warning: if you click on the previous link, your computer might grow horns, a tail, cloven hooves and a forked tongue & kill Max Von Sydow.)

Well, no. I was referring to one of Mr. Romney’s GOP brethren, Arkansas State Rep. Jon Hubbard (R-Jonesboro).

(courtesy Arkansas Statehouse)

Somehow in his lifetime, Rep. Hubbard honed his hate, got scared & educated and wrote a book using the blood of non-Christians.

Mr. Hubbard believes that slavery was a good thing for African Americans, and that African Americans have ruined public education for us white folks because of their supposed “lack of discipline and ambition.”

That’s it, you say?

C’mon Jules, he’s just spewing the same shit some of his fellow politicians from both parties have been saying aloud for the, oh, last few decades. Tell me something I don’t already know.

Ok, well, this isn’t in the book but, Mr. Hubbard is all for people showing birth certificates when they show up in hospitals for non-emergency care to make sure them damn illegals don’t use up any medicine that’s supposed to go to ‘muricans. He’s also allll about defending Christianity in America — whatever the hell that means. Fucking over people of color is a Christian value, see. That’s what I gleaned from his proclamation. Lord help those who could benefit from the committees he sits on.

This particular tome is a doozy too — it’s chock-full of fun statements like:

“… the institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise. The blacks who could endure those conditions and circumstances would someday be rewarded with citizenship in the greatest nation ever established upon the face of the Earth.” (Pgs 183-89)

And, since he’s got his knickers in a twist about immigrants, he wrote this:

… the immigration issue, both legal and illegal … will lead to planned wars or extermination. Although now this seems to be barbaric and uncivilized, it will at some point become as necessary as eating and breathing.” (Pg 9)

Hmm … this sounds familiar. Mighty familiar. Where oh where have I seen this before? <scrunches forehead, frowns and rubs chin with thumb and forefinger–my sarcastic thinking pose>

Thanks a lot, Arkansas. I hope this choad doesn’t run for national office.

 

“Get in the ring”

It’s no secret that I follow politics. Why do I torture myself you ask? Oh, because I’m an emotional cutter.

But, seriously, I follow politics because I love studying human behavior– especially the magic knickers, Kenyan birth certificates, dressage horses, videos from 1998 that have nothing to do with nothing, et al. It’s all fascinating to me.

Each presidential election cycle is more whacked-out than the previous one, and as we draw closer to Election Day, I find myself saying on an almost hourly basis “Well, just when I thought it couldn’t get any whackier, ______ happens.”

In this particular case, ______ is our favorite pearl clutcher, Ann Romney. Take a listen to the clip below from an interview Mrs. Romney gave to an Iowa radio station yesterday. The fun starts about 1:23 in.

http://www.radioiowa.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/AnnRomneyInterview.mp3

So, this got me thinking (I know, there I go, working without tools again)….Hmmm…

Sure, I can go into the usual talking points about how her husband is basically a spineless chump who is shaking his campaign Etch-A-Sketch on a daily basis, or how he’s pandering to a particularly dangerous segment of his base who believes that Obama wasn’t born here, but that’s just too easy. Plus, it’s been done.

Instead, I’ve decided to have some fun with “Stop it. This is hard” and Mr. Romney’s recent 47 percent gaffe. You’ll see and please, feel free to join in on the fun.

“Stop it. This is hard. Sometimes I have to drive one of my many Cadillacs through neighborhoods inhabited by 47 percenters in order to get to one of my mansions. I don’t like white-knuckling it.”

“Stop it. This is hard. I had a horse in the Olympics and it was so difficult making sure he had the correct hoof polish.”

“Stop it. This is hard. I didn’t know what to do with the tax write-off Rafalca  awarded us, so I bought some fur-lined mom jeans for Mitt.”

“Stop it. This is hard. You try having conversations with some of your husband’s 47 percenter campaign staffers! I LOATHE talking to serfs!”

“Stop it. This is hard. I have to pretend I like people who aren’t exactly like me.”

“Stop it. This is hard. We had to sell stock to get to this place.”

“Stop it. This is hard. You try being married to a man who doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.”

“Stop it. This is hard. You know how difficult it is to get John Boehner to cry about someone he doesn’t give a red rat’s ass about?”

“Stop it. This is hard. Why didn’t those bitches at the RNC 2012 believe my insincere “I love you” during my duller-than-paste speech?”

“Stop it. This is hard. I just learned that some LGBT folks have families. They’re ruining my America.”

If I had a nickel for every time the Romneys said something stupid, I’d be in their tax bracket.

Aaaand SCENE.

Ladies & gents, Madame Weebles

julesagray:

A must-read post by one of my fave bloggers evah, Madame Weebles.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Also, I strongly suggest you read, follow and worship her blog–totally worth it and you’ll get that warm feeling down there when you do.
Peace and love,
Julia

Originally posted on Fear No Weebles:

[Disclaimer: This is not aimed at my Republican buddies here, who are intelligent, thoughtful human beings.  This is for the members of the GOP who are hell-bent on fomenting hatred and encouraging discrimination, among other things.  Anyone who is offended by this, however, is exactly the type of person I'm referring to below and should be offended.]

[Note: I'm not generally a politics person.  I will probably never write another political post, so I wanted to make this one count.  I'm coming out swinging.  I might lose some readers, and that's okay.]

Hey, wingnuts.  You don’t know me but you hate me.

I’m from New York City.  To you guys, that’s just another name for Sodom.  Y’all hate us city slickers because we’re not honest, hard-workin’, church-goin’, “real” Amuricans.  Yet my city, along with 3,000 people, took a big hit for you 11 years ago.  Fuck you.

I believe that a…

View original 641 more words

A Very Dumb Man

Writing about Mitt Romney is overwhelming.

(courtesy conservativenewssources.wordpress.com)

Why? Not to be Captain Obvious here, but Mitt is a target-rich environment. I could go on and on about his flip-flop-o-rama on issues such as healthcare, women’s reproductive rights, Medicare, Social Security et cetera, et cetera. But, y’all have seen, heard and shaken your heads in disbelief over his lack of character and integrity. Not to mention his craptastic attitude toward dogs.

Simply put, Gov. Romney is not fit for higher office.

Especially after his comments regarding yesterday’s horrible attacks on the US Embassy in Cairo, Egypt and the US Consulate in Benghazi, Libya which resulted in the deaths of four Americans, including US Ambassador to Libya, J. Christopher Stevens. The Obama Administration, and both Democrat and Republican lawmakers were quick to condemn the attack and subsequent American deaths. President Obama vowed to bring those involved to justice. Nothing political here, just the Commander-in-Chief doing his job.

Enter Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. Now, protocol has it that during a time such as this when Americans were killed on foreign soil, a presidential candidate would also condemn the actions of a crazed mob and pray for justice, right?

Not so fast.

Instead, Mr. Romney spewed a common GOP talking point: President Obama is constantly apologizing to Muslims — as well as the rest of the world — for our behavior. Never once has this president apologized for American behavior. But, that doesn’t matter to Republicans–you know, the group that has such a hard-on for getting Obama out of office, they’re making up stupid shit on an hourly basis and cock-blocking him on legislation he’s put forth before Congress — even legislation that was initially birthed by the GOP. The problem is, the mouth-breathers who rely on Fox News as their oracle, will never find the courage to actually search for the truth. What these folks “see” is a Kenyan Muslim Socialist Marxist, not a man who saved the US auto industry, gave over 1 million people healthcare thanks to the ACA, killed Bin Laden, and signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act — to name just a few accomplishments.

I have PLENTY of issues with Mr. Obama which I’ll discuss at another time. He’s far from perfect, believeyoume, but he’s a better leader than Mitt Romney.

Here’s a snippet of what Mr. Romney said:

“I think it’s a terrible course for America to stand in apology for our values, that instead when our grounds are being attacked and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation. An apology for America’s values is never the right course.”

Oh boy. When they made you stupid, they made you real stupid, and not to mention, an insensitive choad.

Like I mentioned earlier, bigwigs from his own party think Mr. Romney doth protest too much.

I’m surprised by Mr. Romney’s ignorance and I’m not. He has no foreign policy experience, and in recent weeks has proven that lack thereof over and over again.

Just to give you an idea of how ignint Mr. Romney is, Colin Powell does a nice job of schooling him earlier in year –

What does Mr. Romney do after being criticized about his “oops” by the masters of his own party? He doubles-down, of course. Sad. I’m so glad he doesn’t know the launch codes.

Too bad he can’t retroactively retire today’s comments.