America, This Is What Stupid Sounds Like

I love America. I was born and raised here. My mom’s side of the family arrived around the same time as the pilgrims. (My dad’s side will be discussed in a later post.) However, I have a feeling that my ancestors weren’t has homely looking, or as poorly dressed as John Smith and his pasty ilk were. Also, I’m quite certain that my female ancestors weren’t afraid to show a little leg or cleavage whilst plowing the fields or milking the cows.

Hey, it’s how us McCrabass broads are wired–we like to show off our lovely, freckle-y skin.

America’s a great place, but it also sucks. Especially these days.

Over the past couple of years, America has become the Land of the Stupid. I could cite example after example of American stupidity, but I don’t want to depress everyone AND I’m sure that most of y’all know exactly which examples are bouncing around in my noggin. What’s truly vexing is that stupidity is applauded and encouraged by some of my fellow Americans–this action is egged-on by the mouth-breathers of our humble society.

However, these two stories that showed up in my news feed are worth mentioning because they are the apex of stupid.

The first example is from Buzzfeed:

Missouri Lawmaker Introduces Bill To Make It A Felony To Propose Gun Control Legislation

“I filed HB 633 as a matter of principle and as a statement in defense of the Second Amendment rights of all Missourians.”

“A Missouri state lawmaker wants to make it a crime to propose any gun control legislation. Mike Leara, a Republican who represents suburban St. Louis, introduced a bill making it a class D felony for any member of the Missouri legislator to introduced a bill to that effect.

“Any member of the general assembly who proposes a piece of legislation that further restricts the right of an individual to bear arms, as set forth under the second amendment of the Constitution of the United States, shall be guilty of a class D felony,” the bills reads.

But the state lawmaker doesn’t expect the bill to go anywhere, saying he submitted it as a matter of principle.

“I filed HB 633 as a matter of principle and as a statement in defense of the Second Amendment rights of all Missourians,” Leara said in a statement provided to BuzzFeed. “I have no illusions about the bill making it through the legislative process, but I want it to be clear that the Missouri House will stand in defense of the people’s Constitutional right to keep and bear arms.”

I don’t know about y’all, and I’ve talked about this before on here and elsewhere, but it’s exhausting living in a God-fearin’ country where guns have more rights than humans. It’s bullshit. But this latest act by Misery State Rep. Mike Leara, just shows how far we as a society have fallen on the Stupid Scale.

I know, I know, I’m asking a lot from the state that unleashed rape’s champion Todd Akin on the rest of the country.

I had just enough time to catch my breath from the above story, when this story showed up in my feed.

I.. I… just… cannot …

Mary Sue McClurkin, Alabama GOP Lawmaker, Claims A Baby Is The ‘Largest Organ In A Body’

From HuffPo.

I’m at a loss. This is a prime example of American intelligence being wiped out right before our eyes.

Read, please:

“Alabama state Rep. Mary Sue McClurkin (R) is pushing legislation that would impose restrictions on abortion clinics — a move that she argues is necessary because the procedure is a major surgery that removes the largest “organ” in a woman’s body.

“When a physician removes a child from a woman, that is the largest organ in a body,” McClurkin told the Montgomery Advertiser on Thursday. “That’s a big thing. That’s a big surgery. You don’t have any other organs in your body that are bigger than that.”

Even my friends who are anti-choice have got to agree with me that considering a baby to be an organ in a woman’s body is one of the stupidest ideas ever. So, this got me thinking–what about other organs? If you have your intestine removed, is that considered murder? Is Lasik eye surgery consider an assault? What’s really frightening is the person who introduced this bill has the same lady parts that I have and supposedly considers herself a woman. Biology considers her a woman too. Huh. Interesting. The big difference between the two of us is I took a bunch of biology/science classes in school and have parents who aren’t morons. Ms. McClurkin probably learned about S-E-X via her parents and Sunday school teachers who used euphemisms for the female and male body parts: flower or wee-wee instead of vajay, pee-pee for peen, etc. You get the idea. She probably learned that babies were put in mommy’s tumtum by God or by the Jesus. Or by some type of schooling not based in reality.

How Ms. McClurkin learned about the birds & the bees is just a smidgen of the what the real problem is–the dumbing down of America when it comes to, well, everything.

What’s even more depressing is, things are gonna get stupider all up in here.

Just To Clarify

julesagray:

I love this woman.
Now HERE is someone who deserves to be Freshly Pressed or Processed or Pooped or Pulled-Apart or whatever it’s called.

Pornos should be made in her honor.

Originally posted on King of States!:

You want to curtail my right to control what happens inside my personal uterus because once upon a time ten years ago, you saw the grainy outline of a pulsating bean on a tiny television screen.

Got it. Thank you for the compelling scientific data.

I assume this bodes well for my personal policy recommendation that we abolish public libraries because when I was 19 years old, I almost hit a Basset Hound with my car on the way to a library. Okay, it wasn’t a library, it was a Waldenbooks, but they’re out of business now so libraries it is.

What? It’s like you WANT puppies to die. You disgust me.

View original

The wonderful, nameable egg

I’m up early for god only knows what reason, and watching one of my favorite shows, “Up With Chris Hayes.” One topic this week is culture wars–one of the many third rails of the Democratic agenda. Take a step closer to that rail, and the whole personhood rhetoric emanates from it.

Ugh. Personhood amendments. We have a bunch of extremist nutjob (I know, a bit redundant) Tea Baggin’ Republicans who don’t want big gummint in general, but when it comes to us wimminfolk, the Baggers believe that we need to be regulated up the ying-yang. A wave of ridiculous bills came riding in on transvaginal ultrasound wands into many state legislatures roughly two years ago, after the Tea Bagger Revolution in Congress. However, the good thing is, many of these bills were introduced, voted upon and failed. Some didn’t even make the ballot in states that allegedly have super-special relationships with the mostest specialist homeboy of them all, God. Now, to a non-religious person, those failures say that God has bigger things to worry about–like strife, sickness, hunger, poverty–than making sure women who are menstruating aren’t, um, doing whatever. Then, there is one particular state, where according to the law, all menstruating women are pregnant. Or something like that. This Arizona law is so Draconian that the main image I have in my head is a woman being dragged to an interrogation room at her local Phoenix CVS for attempting to purchase tampons–murder weapons.

Back to Chris Hayes (who needs to stop whining about being on a book tour & leaving the work of parenting to his wife–please–y’all have help. Shuttie.), personhood was brought up which got me thinking: Perhaps I need to start naming the maybe 20 eggs left in my cob-webbed womb. Hmm.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Vladimir, Simka, Aloysius, Schmenkman, Huxtable, Poon, Ping, Yarbotz, Dale Earnhardt, Louboutin, and Nam. That’s a good start.

What are your suggestions?

Things not-so-mundane

I’ll be taking a little trip for a few days to defend my title.

So, until then, stay in the shallow end of the pool, don’t pick your nose in public and enjoy these fine tales I’ve highlighted below.

First, these are ugly, and I love Uggs. I just don’t wear them out in public because I don’t want to look like a hippo with suede legs and club feet. I don’t care how skinny you are — they aren’t flattering which is why I don’t get why any woman would want to wear something so unflattering on the most important day of her life. Suede cankles under silk. You may kiss the bride.

Um, nope. (photo courtesy of Clark+Walker Studio)

 

 

After reading this, I want a zebra and a drink. (from USAToday)

Iowa man with zebra, parrot arrested for DUI in bar lot

Breathe it in, folks. What about that hed stands out the most to you? I get the parrot and the zebra pairing since those are two species who might live in the wild together. DUI, man and Iowa, yep, kind of a no-brainer. However, when you put all those items together, you have a big bowl of wrong. It’s fun though.

“So, this man with a zebra and parrot walks out of a bar –

No, it’s not the set-up for a joke, but an intoxicatingly true story out of Dubuque, Iowa, according to news reports from the Hawkeye State.

Jerald Reiter, 55, of Cascade, Iowa, was backing his truck out of the Dog House Lounge parking lot Sunday night when police stopped him. His passengers? A small zebra in the back seat and a macaw parrot on his shoulder, the Telegraph Heraldreports.

Officers said Reiter’s blood-alcohol level was .14 (the limit is .08), so he was charged with driving drunk (officially, operating while intoxicated). He admits he was behind the wheel but was going to let his other passenger — his human buddy — do the driving, according to the local Gazette.

Reiter thinks someone in the crowd of gawkers called police to complain about the “welfare” of his novel pets, which often go for rides.

He said his local watering hole often allows pets, but not Sunday night, because the owner told him food was being served. TV station KCRG.com got a different story: no animals are ever allowed inside. (Will the bar owner be in the dog house if the alcohol and health inspectors stop by?)

Reiter’s girlfriend, Vicki Teter, told the Gazette that their animals “are a big part of the family,” and that she understands people’s reactions to their exotic pets.

“It’s not everyday you see somebody that’s got a zebra or a parrot in the house, and who knows tomorrow what might be in our house,” she said.”

I got nothing to add, except for the video….

Pennsylvania police officer broke into neighbor’s house, did laundry, cops say

I bet the homeowner wouldn’t have pressed charges had the officer done his clothes too. From the AP.

“AVALON, Pa. — Dirty clothes have a Pittsburgh-area police officer in hot water.
coplights.jpgView full sizeThe Patriot-News
Rankin police Officer Jason Rocco is charged with trespassing and criminal mischief for allegedly breaking into a neighbor’s home to wash his clothes.

Rocco was arraigned Saturday and released on his own recognizance.

WPXI-TV reports the home’s owner noticed his electric bill was unusually high, given that he hadn’t lived in the house for months. When the owner visited, investigators say he found the dryer running with Rocco’s clothes inside.

Avalon police who questioned Rocco say he told investigators the home’s back door was already broken and he “just had to do some laundry.”

A phone listing for Rocco could not be located Wednesday. A preliminary hearing is scheduled for Thursday.”

I don’t blame him for not going to a laundromat. The last time I blessed one of those establishments with my presence, I caught some slight-in-stature man trying to steal my knickers.

When I asked him why, he said, “The goat outside told me to.”

“That’s not a nice way to talk about your boyfriend.”

“Cunt.”

 

I want one of these t-shirts in every fucking color of the rainbow, then I’d give one to every woman I know. I’d wear this rag every damn day too. I don’t care if crewnecks are unflattering, or if they’ll start to fray after being worn day in and day out. It’s message is spot-on.

This has to do with an incident on an American Airlines flight where a woman was removed because she was wearing a t-shirt like this one. According to the airlines, the message on the shirt was offensive so she was told she either had to cover up the shirt or change into something more appropriate, or not fly. (I.E. something with no swears or offensive imagery on it.)

Now, had I been wearing this shirt and was asked to remove it, I would’ve. Sure. Why not? But, I’m gonna add a wrinkle — why replace the shirt? Why not just go topless? Shit howdy, I would. What’s the big deal? Seeing a nice pair of boobs isn’t the worst thing spied on a flight these days. We’ve all seen worse — from people travelling in pajama bottoms, (“the slobification of America” — thank you Tim Gunn), to this sassy gent.

When was it okay for American Airlines to make political statements by dictating what a passenger wears on her t-shirt? Like I stated earlier, I’ve seen much worse on flights — demeaning tattoos, over-pierced bodies, heinous t-shirts that are demeaning to women and minorities and I’ve never seen a member of a flight crew bat an eye — even after a fellow passenger complained about a sexist t-shirt that barely skimmed this other passenger’s ample tum-tum. All the flight attendant could do was shrug her shoulders. Funny, there’s a clause in an airline’s contract of carriage that the airline may refuse transport or remove a passenger from a flight if the passenger is “clothed in a manner that would cause discomfort or offense to other passengers” among other things. Most airlines’ contracts of carriage include such clauses, but the language may be different. I’ve rarely seen or heard of this rule being enforced.

Finally, this is my new favorite Tumblr. It’s replaced this blog.

Indifferent cats in amateur porn

It’s got cats, it’s got porn. What more could you possibly want?

Forever pregnant

A few thoughts on Arizona’s brand, spankin’ new anti-choice law.

But first, a brief summary. Let’s see if I can get through this without wanting to gut myself with a Spork. I think I’ll let my pals at The Raw Story do it for me.

Jan Brewer signs abortion ban defining pregnancy before conception

You read that correctly, monkehs. According to Jan and her minions, all of us gals who are still dealing with menses are pregnant — right now.

Um ….

“Republican Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer on Thursday signed one of the most controversial and restrictive abortion bans in the country, which experts say effectively bans abortions after 18 weeks and declares that a woman could be pregnant 2 weeks before she even had sex.”

Oh holy fetus suction device, you’ve got to be kidding me. How Draconian must we get? And the GOP says there ain’t a war on women.

Of course, after ruminating about this for a titch, I had a few thoughts — with a little help from some friends.

Are maxi-pads and tampons considered baby blankets now?

If you say “Not tonight dear, I have a headache” are you, in effect, committing pre-meditated murder?

What about those folks who don’t believe in the Immaculate Conception?

If a woman is murdered, is the killer now responsible for two murders?

If you drink or take drugs at any time during your cycle (which is all the time) could you be locked up for endangering a fetus?

Eventually will new life start with a filthy thought? (if that was the case, I’d have a million chirrun running hither and yon)

Will there soon be anti-jackin’ it bills introduced in the Arizona Legislature to prevent male Arizonians from spilling their sacred seed? Can’t have one without the other, see.

What if you’re a eunuch? A castrato?

If you’ve had a hysterectomy, will you be considered a serial killer?

Will New Mexico now construct a large Abortion Plex near the Arizona/New Mexico border?

What about women who aren’t on the perfect 28-day cycle? How will they be ‘regulated’?

Will all stillbirths and miscarriages now be considered homicides?

Is cooking eggs now considered animal cruelty?

Is a douche now considered a weird kind of baby shower?

If you’re a post-menopausal woman, does that mean you’re eternally pregnant?

Knowing how Arizona feels about brown people, does this law apply to women of color too?

Does a uterine lining now get a social security number?

Finally …

Does the law really mean two weeks AFTER conception?

*thanks to Michael, Liza, Paul, Jennifer, Donald, Jeff, David B. et al. Big kisses!

Knit one, pussy two

I need to learn how to knit.

Sadly, it’s a civic duty these day since some of our esteemed lawmakers are taking it upon themselves to decide what us gals can do with our breeding parts. Some liken us to farm animals, others want us to watch an abortion before we make that wrenching (read: personal) yet LEGAL DECISION to have one and finally, others want to limit our access to birth control.

(Side note: what the fuck is wrong with Arizona?) 

Apparently we’re no better than cattle and other four-legged creatures that inhabit farms n’ shit.

What does this have to do with knitting you ask? Earlier, I came across this brilliant plan.

The Snatchel Project

Let’s make a uterus or VJJ for each male rep in congress!

The idea behind this is simple and genius: Keep the government out of our lady parts, but if you feel you must play around with our uteri, why here’s one of your own! It’s soft, and kinda pretty and informative — and the one that looks like a labia can be used for practice (shudder) since I’m sure that most of these women-haters have no idea how to ‘work’ it! Also, if we do decide to use birth control, we’re not sluts, whores, strumpets, harlots, skanks, loose, etc. We have a right to make our own decisions about our lives, y’all don’t. So, piss off (that’s my editorial comment, not the owners of http://www.governmentfreevjj.com/ , or maybe it is, they’re just classier than I am, (s)natch).

The sad thing is, most of Reps won’t get it and will probably give these to their farm animals to use as chew toys.