The body elective*

*With apologies to Walt Whitman

**WARNING: IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY GENITALIA OR TATTOOS OR TATTOOED GENITALIA, EITHER CLICK OFF THIS PAGE, OR DEVELOP A SPINE & LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THINGS YOU’RE NOT USED TO.**

In the past few days, I’ve seen a lot of stories float through my RSS feed that have to do with the body. Not just the parts that are considered “safe” for public exposure, but naughty parts. Some are strange, others kind of sad and the rest? Well, you tell me.

Hang on, I’m going to ease you into this post.

The Chinese are so odd. Before you hit the Comment button and start typing “Hey McCrabass, you’re a racist!” UNCLENCH and let me finish. Humans are odd in general. Just read this post to the end and soon you’ll agree with me.

From People’s Daily Online/Global Online.

Fake pregnant belly becomes hot seller on the Internet

At first, the plan was to really mock and be obnoxious about this new phenomenon, but then I remembered that China is populated by about a 1 billion Chinamen and Chinawomen who are bound by a one child policy. Folks have to ask for permission from the gummint to spawn and many are denied. It’s kinda sad but it makes sense for a country as vast as China. So, the whole wanting-to-experience-pregnancy-deal sort of makes sense to me. Plus, since China is so huge that when odd trends take hold, they’re news.

Read…

“Artificial replicas of pregnant women’s abdomens, made of silica gel, have become hot sellers on the online shopping market, the China News.com reported on Monday.
Looking like the belly of a genuine pregnant woman, the imitations have variously been described as having “flesh color” and “human skin texture,” and as “highly comfortable,” by online shop owners.

There are currently three types of fake bellies being sold, each of which approximates a different period of pregnancy, corresponding to the second and latter trimesters and the final month.”

“Highly comfortable”– guess that’s a switch from being in the “real family way.” I wonder if you can get fake hemorrhoids and a weak bladder for the full effect. I mean, if you’re want to experience pregnancy, why not go for the good, the bad, the ugly and the stinky?

“The replicas are priced from 500 to 1600 yuan ($79-$252), though the slightly more expensive models, priced at around 700 to 800 yuan ($109-$125), have thus far been the best sellers, according to an online shop owner.

“Most of the costumers have bought the bellies for acting performances or as a joke, though others wanted to experience the life of a pregnant woman,” said the owner.

“It looks strange to me. What is the use of it?” said one Internet user.”

I agree with one Internet user.

Moving along ….

I’m on the fence about plastic surgery. On the one hand, I see it as a wonderful tool for those who are disfigured due to an accident, a criminal act or disease. It can heal the mind, body and soul. On the other hand, it’s yet another tool for the most vain and insecure, and for those who have waaaaay too much money to waste on unnecessary pain when all they need is about a year of serious therapy. Then, perhaps about a year volunteering in an Indian leper colony. After those two hopefully life-changing events, plastic surgery won’t even be on the horizon, but knowing this culture, it never left the psyche.

What’s this all about you ask? Well, here. I’ve written enough for the moment.

From Time Out London.

“Christmas shoppers in Marylebone are in for a shock/treat (delete as applicable) tomorrow morning as the Muff March threatens to bring the area to a standstill. Inspired by The Muffia, a group of performance artists that campaign against ‘designer vaginas’, marchers will be donning hirsute merkins (that’s a pubic wig, incase you’ve never come across a merkin before) and marching down Harley Street in a bid to arouse public interest.”

Note to readers–if you’ve never heard of, thought of or discussed merkins, I strongly suggest you bone up on the subject of pubic wigs. You’ll be glad you did.

So far, I’m not shocked by protesting ‘designer vaginas.’ That’s probably because I’ve written about the subject before. Plus, since plastic surgery is such a big deal here, I’m only shocked when I read stories such as this one. No wait, not that one, this one.

Continue.

“The protestors have united around a Facebook page that argues against the pornification of society, hoping to ‘speak out against a porn culture that is driving more and more women to the surgeon’s table to get a “designer vagina”.’ The site claims that the Harley Medical Group received 5,000 inquiries about cosmetic gynaecology in 2010, ’65 percent of them for labial reduction, the rest for tightening and reshaping’, with a 70 percent increase in the labiaplasty operations during 2007-2008.

The organisers say that the protestors will be ‘speaking out against surgeons profiting from body hatred, and raising awareness about the growing pressures on women to seek labiaplasty’, emphasising concern that the operation seems to increase over the Christmas period.”

Dealing with lady issues is bad enough. All of the waxing, plucking and painting that is done to the nether regions is rough, but to voluntarily go under the knife because you believe your outer-cooch is catching the wind like a spinnaker is a bit too much. I’m dying to know how it got that way in the first place! C’mon! For the mens, I’d be willing to bet this procedure would be like having a vasectomy with nothing but a bottle of whiskey to swallow and a leather strap to bite down on to help kill the pain.

Now, onto the last part. Warning — this is gonna get graphic so if you’ve come this far and you’re a bit squeamish, I suggest you just focus on one spot on the wall and go with it. Let it happen.

Sometimes, there are no words.

Take a deeeeeep breath. These sounds worse than a labiaplasty. And, #3? That woman should be locked away from society forever. Too bad the Magdalene laundries have been outlawed.

Finally, gotta give equal time to the dudes.

If you need me, I’ll be in my panic room attempting the first all-bleach lobotomy.