QUESTION

When do we get to pee on Dana Loesch?

Seriously. Ms. Loesch may be attractive but she’s a dolt. A little unsolicited advice from McCrabass here — urinating on corpses is not what America is about. We’re not sore winners. Your horrible attitude will set this country back about 50 years — we don’t need that right now.

Show a little compassion — even for those you know so little about.

The beauty of unemployment

Believe it or not, being unemployed has many advantages–at least that’s what I keep telling myself so I won’t throw myself off the end of Navy Pier whilst wearing ceeee-ment shoes. There are many things I don’t have to worry about doing on a daily, or even weekly, basis and I’m finding great comfort and joy in that revelation.

1) No daily shower. Unless I do Bikram of course. However, I don’t shower right away because I like to wander around in small, enclosed public spaces with horrible ventilation & opium den-esque lighting to let the common folk bathe in my aura and aroma. Since I’m quite the social butterfly and can extract an actual conversation from the meanest of souls, I make sure my breath is extra-stanky and my skin extra-ruddy. This is their punishment for any previous nefarious acts. Hey, that ‘thing you smell’ is what they get for being bullies, or Teabaggers or whatever.

2) No makeup. One of the great things about being blessed with decent skin is I don’t need to wear a pound of makeup when I leave the house. At this age, about 1/2 pound is sufficient since I don’t garner all that much attention from my fellow humans on any given day. If anyone does pay attention to me, it’s because the drag queen scared them, and they need to see what meh looks like in order to get on with their lives. I happen to like somewhat expensive makeup because I believe you get what you pay for. The cheap stuff just slides off my visage and isn’t worth it in the long run. The downside to applying makeup after a long hiatus is I have to re-learn how to put makeup on. Sometimes I look at my eyelash curler and am reminded of the time a roommate in college used one as a roach clip. This memory causes me to giggle, of course. But then I have to try to remember how to use the eyelash curler PROPERLY. That, my friends, takes some serious thought.

3) Braless–All day, everyday. Or until it really starts to hurt, or until my boobs are brushing against my knees whilst standing up straight. Kudos to Ms. Jenni Spinner for reminding me about the wonderful world of going sans bra. It truly is a magical experience until it’s time for my daily break dancing practice, then I gotta bundle the gals up.

4) Schedule-free zone. This is both good and bad. If I don’t have some sort of plan for the day, I’ll just sit on my ass and futz around on the computer and watch “Teen Mom”, or my new fave “Monster In-Laws.” Or, I watch amateur Bulgarian porn but even that gets frustrating after some time because the poor production value drives me NUTS. I mean, c’mon! It’s so cheap to make movies these days, you’d think these porn auteurs would put some actual thought into lighting, camera angles, editing and sound, but NOOO. They can’t be bothered. Why can’t anything good ever come out of any of the former-Eastern Bloc countries? It’s been–what–about 12 years since the fall of the Iron Curtain, correct? One would think that would be enough time for the denizens of those countries to take a tour of the rest of Europe in their Yugos and realize just how easy it is to make porn. Maybe they’re too busy mourning the death of Yakov Smirnoff’s career.

Wait…where was I? Right–not having to adhere to any type of schedule. The only thing I have to do each day is go to Bikram. It may not be much, but it gets me out of the house AND gets me my daily dosage of Vitamin K.

5) No wardrobe malfunction. When McCrabass ain’t gracing some newsroom with her presence, she’s dressed from head to toe in sweats–usually something from Target and my alma mater. The bigger and more unflattering the better. And big socks if it’s cold out. And some sort of beanie on my head–usually the one I bought at the Sundance Film Fest a few years ago. Who am I trying to impress? The missing link who lives across the street? My motto is, if it’s relatively clean and BO/peanut butter smell is faint, it’s my uniform for the day. It saves on wear and tear, and money on dry cleaning. Plus, I don’t need to buy new threads for work.

6) Agoraphobic by choice. As I’ve aged, I’ve come to the conclusion that the less interaction I have with the citizenry of this fine city, the better for both of us. Plus, this is a rotten time of year to be unemployed with all of the holiday crap being shoved down our throats by way of cheery window displays, garlands/sparkly stuff hanging from lamp posts, red and green crap everywhere and insipid holiday music. I don’t need the constant reminder of how I can’t afford gifts for family and friends because I don’t have a job, money or prospects. I’m succeeding beautifully at that task all by my lonesome, thankyouverymuch. It’s just best that I remain inside my apartment, keeping the couch down and watching movies on my eyelids.

Why yes, I AM easily amused!

A few things captured my attention today thanks to my friends Stephanie and Erik. Originally, I posted these gems on my Facebook page, but since my privacy settings are tighter than a nun’s ass, I decided to post & provide McCrabass commentary. Oh joy!

Speechless is the best way to describe my reaction to this morsel. Why oh why would any man want to inflict menstrual pain on hisself? The Japanese have invented some cray-cray crap over the years.

And ..

Sure, these items are odd but the menstruation machine is the apex of odd. Stinkin’ weird. What type of mind thinks of this? It’s fascinating yet scary to think of what kind of upbringing the inventor and his helper had (the helper being an ob/gyn–makes me wonder what med school gave this Steinmetz a med degree). Who, in their right mind, thinks that having a period would be something worth experiencing? Why would anyone who doesn’t have the proper plumbing, want to go through the cramping, the bitchiness, the flow-from-hell, the bloating, the urge to pick up a semi-automatic and start picking off people randomly? What the shit is wrong with people? Maybe this guy should shove a couple of heavy-days tampon up his poop shoot for affect.

Stephanie Goldberg…you know me so well.

When I worked on “Fantasia 2000″ back in the day, I met one of the bestest people ever: Erik Smith. We had so much fun on that film–watching the daily antics of the producers, the artists and other production folks–with bemused looks on our faces & sotto voce comments to one another. Erik ended up with the coolest job on that film: He was the Brizzi PA. What’s a Brizzi you ask? ‘Brizzi’ is the last name of twin brothers, Paul and Gaetan, who are amazing artists. They directed a “Fantasia” segment AND they were/are the nicest guys around. Working with them was a privilege too because they were really passionate about their work so it didn’t feel like work. It felt like animation/art school. Kind of a cool experience for a girl from the far Western ‘burbs of Chicago.

Paul and Gaetan Brizzi

But, back to Erik. He’s a HOOT. And, since we’ve re-connected on Facebook, we’ve picked up where we left off in a cyber-kind-of-way by posting odd articles on each other’s pages quite frequently. Today was no exception. I was at work when this appeared in my newsfeed and I had to bite my lower lip to keep from doing a McCrabass imitation of that horrible, ear-splitting Julia Roberts cackle in the middle of a quiet newsroom. I know, your ears are bleeding just thinking of that horrible noise. *shudder* Sorry folks..we all gotta experience pain in life. If I have to go through it, so do you.

What I like the most about this invention, is the variety that’s offered from casual to oh-so-fancy–as if your pet is really gonna give a shit what mom jeans your fake lap is wearing when he/she flops his mange-y ass on it. However, once these make millions of dollars for the inventor, I’ll be slapping my noggin saying,”Why didn’t I think of that?? What a dumbass I am. First the Sham-Wow and now this?? I’m never gonna hit it big.”

Well, maybe I won’t hit it big. But at least I don’t want to blast this country to oblivion like this hayseed. Thanks a lot, Utah. You really DON’T get it, do you?

A weekend of longing ends

‘Twas a stormy weekend, which made the air smell like ass after each downpour. I don’t get it — it’s summer, yet the air doesn’t smell all that fresh and clean like it’s supposed to, at least that’s what I gleaned from those commercials about summertime fun. Also, I find these monsoon-esque, daily storms unsettling as do many others I know. Ambien kept me from enjoying the one that rolled through here late-Friday/early Saturday. There’s nothing like sleeping better through chemistry.

The rest of the weekend consisted of reading, writing and watching the tee vee. I couldn’t watch the goings-on between our fearless leaders because it’s the biggest farce so far this decade. Get over it folks, we have a black president. Quit being doooooshes and solve this thing already. The one piece of political news that made me smile was this. Looks like the tea bagger fuckery is imploding. Good thing too, their racism veiled as progress is embarrassing and counterproductive. That’s all I’m going to say about politics. If someone wants to pay me to write about politics, I’ll do their bidding. Until then, meh. I’d rather bitch, gripe and reflect on other stuff I observe.

Like this for example: It’s deja vu all over again. Yes, those shoes that are the staple of the preppy look are gracing the feet of folks who weren’t even alive during the first go-around with this once desired fashion staple. I had many a-pair because I was quite the prepster. But, I never owned that insipid
Preppy Handbook that many of my friends studied back in the day in order to live a more preppy lifestyle. What killed me about their dedication was that they didn’t realize the book was a joke. I didn’t have the heart or the guts to tell them either.

When I first spied these shoes, I thought they were called “Vajayjay.” I told you I need glasses.

I dig these haunting images. And, I feel better knowing this too. Where in the hell IS Montenegro? Feh — don’t bother telling me I need to learn more about countries ‘over there’ or sending the me the link — I don’t particularly care. I’m sure Montenegro is a lovely place filled with marshmallows and vodka.

We need more propaganda art like in the good ol days. This church is so eerie, I wanna see it up close & personal. Keep scrolling for ideas about what to do with that ship you’ve been looking to ditch.

Looks like I’ll be mapping my way to the St. Lawrence Seaway tomorrow.