Huntsman (spider) for President

Once upon a time, I was bit* by a Black Widow Spider.

*SHUDDER*

I remember feeling like the skin around the bite was melting as if I had been splashed with acid. I remember sweating and having mild hallucinations whilst lying in a Los Angeles emergency room with a big-ass IV pumping fluids and a spider-venom nullifier into my veins . I remember feeling like hammered shit for about a week afterwards.

What this horrid little creature did was give me a newfound respect for arachnids. You’re probably thinking, “McCrabby, that’s cray-cray. You respect spiders after being bitten by one of most dangerous breeds ever to creep and crawl on the Earth? You need help, MACHT SCHNELL!”

Yep.

From that moment forward, I didn’t smash spiders with fancy footwear; I didn’t shoo them out of my house; I didn’t sic the cats on them and I didn’t spray them with DDT. I followed the “live and let live” mantra. After all, the Chinese say that spiders bring good luck and shouldn’t be sacrificed. Uh huh.

Then, I was introduced to the Huntsman Spider.

The stuff that nightmares are made of.

Wait..the above photo doesn’t show the sheer fucking size of this beast.

This one’s better.

No one will hear you scream.

From what I’ve read, these arachnids live mainly in Australia. Not even in this hemisphere! Yee-fuckin’ ha! We’re safe! Whooopeee! Those big, ugly spiders CAN’T HURT US! Yesssssssss! We’re free, free, FREEEEEE!

Not so fast, McCrabby…

However, more digging brought creepy, sad news.

A version of the Huntsman has been found in Florida. Of course–IN FLORIDA. AMERICA’S WANG. Or, as my friend Squatty calls it the “Nation’s Dicktip.” You’d think that for once, FOR ONCE, Florida would give the rest of the country a break, but noooo! Florida couldn’t stop after unleashing George W. Bush on us. Nope. Or Marco Rubio. Or Gov. Rick Scott. (In all fairness though, all three men have given comedy writers comedy gold for years–even at the expense of this country’s sanity.)

This meaty spider just had to migrate there and set up shop. Greedy bastard. Probably wants free health care — yep. Probably is the first in line at the Early Bird Special each day and he hogs all the chocolate pudding too. Wanker. Probably has horrid table manners and takes his teef out to scare the grandkids who visit their meemaws and peepaws.

At least the arachnid Huntsman is a lot more interesting than the dull Huntsman.

*not my arm in the photo

12 thoughts on “Huntsman (spider) for President

  1. Pingback: McCrabass + Bat-eatin’ spiders = FUN! | Fear No Weebles

  2. Pingback: The Daily #epicfail « mccrabass

  3. I have had many of these in my house…..HATE spiders and nearly have a mild heart attack every time I see one. They are usually the size of my hand! I have lots of pics of them….yes, I am in Florida LOL

  4. Well all I gotta say is “thank you very much” for having spidey pics on your blog. My own damn fault for reading it right before I go to bed and have spidey nightmares. Guess I have to go back to the mastiff in the garbage. I need to cleanse my mind. So I can thank you for that one and mean it!

  5. If you think the Huntsman is a threat, you should read about the Bachmann. Both the Huntsman and the Ryan Palin comparison.

    Sure there’s no snow or bone-breaking cold — well, not much, anyway — but living in Florida requires a certain trade-off, and the insect life is one of the elements. There’s all kinds of spiders, some heinous, and never underestimate what getting swarmed by flying cockroaches can do for your night’s sleep. Entire divisions have been destroyed and abandoned as a result of cement-boring Formosa termites. And then there’s fire ants. Your picnic isn’t ruined until you’re overrun by fire ants, which have killed people.

    Ah, well. It helps us forget that we elected Gov Dickwithears instead of sending him to jail for Medicare fraud.

  6. Since I have about a million other things I should be doing at this very moment I Googled this creepy crawley monstrosity. Holy crap, the leg span is 10-12 inches! Enough to poke out an eye or leave one traumatized for life. Forget the horse’s head in the bed trick from “The Godfather” if you want to send a message. I’m thinking about leaving one of these in my mailbox with a note for my letter carrier, “Please make a better effort to deliver my New Yorker’s on time!”

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