Once upon a time, I was bit* by a Black Widow Spider.
I remember feeling like the skin around the bite was melting as if I had been splashed with acid. I remember sweating and having mild hallucinations whilst lying in a Los Angeles emergency room with a big-ass IV pumping fluids and a spider-venom nullifier into my veins . I remember feeling like hammered shit for about a week afterwards.
What this horrid little creature did was give me a newfound respect for arachnids. You’re probably thinking, “McCrabby, that’s cray-cray. You respect spiders after being bitten by one of most dangerous breeds ever to creep and crawl on the Earth? You need help, MACHT SCHNELL!”
From that moment forward, I didn’t smash spiders with fancy footwear; I didn’t shoo them out of my house; I didn’t sic the cats on them and I didn’t spray them with DDT. I followed the “live and let live” mantra. After all, the Chinese say that spiders bring good luck and shouldn’t be sacrificed. Uh huh.
Then, I was introduced to the Huntsman Spider.
Wait..the above photo doesn’t show the sheer fucking size of this beast.
This one’s better.
From what I’ve read, these arachnids live mainly in Australia. Not even in this hemisphere! Yee-fuckin’ ha! We’re safe! Whooopeee! Those big, ugly spiders CAN’T HURT US! Yesssssssss! We’re free, free, FREEEEEE!
Not so fast, McCrabby…
However, more digging brought creepy, sad news.
A version of the Huntsman has been found in Florida. Of course–IN FLORIDA. AMERICA’S WANG. Or, as my friend Squatty calls it the “Nation’s Dicktip.” You’d think that for once, FOR ONCE, Florida would give the rest of the country a break, but noooo! Florida couldn’t stop after unleashing George W. Bush on us. Nope. Or Marco Rubio. Or Gov. Rick Scott. (In all fairness though, all three men have given comedy writers comedy gold for years–even at the expense of this country’s sanity.)
This meaty spider just had to migrate there and set up shop. Greedy bastard. Probably wants free health care — yep. Probably is the first in line at the Early Bird Special each day and he hogs all the chocolate pudding too. Wanker. Probably has horrid table manners and takes his teef out to scare the grandkids who visit their meemaws and peepaws.
At least the arachnid Huntsman is a lot more interesting than the dull Huntsman.
*not my arm in the photo