WHEN SEX TOYS ATTACK!

I was just about to call it a night when this little gem showed up in my RSS feed. If you know McCrabass at all, then you know it would be sacrilege if I didn’t throw a few comments about sex toy injuries onto a page.

Take a gander at it and you’ll understand why I’m interrupting valuable winky-bye time to comment on it.

“A woman in northern California is suing a sex toy company after she suffered a horrifying injury while using one of its dildos.

(Photo: Brett Wilkins)

According to SF WeeklyApril Bonjour of Yreka and her boyfriend were playing with a dildo manufactured by Pipedream Productions, whose motto is “We don’t make the orgasm, we make the orgasm BETTER”, when their foreplay went horribly wrong. Bonjour says something started to feel “not quite right.”

“During the usage, I felt an intense sharp pain inside my vagina,” Bonjour’s claim says.  “My boyfriend quickly removed the toy, it was covered in blood. I thought, very briefly, that I had started my period but as the bleeding continued, getting heavier and heavier I knew it was not my period.” Bonjour ran through all her sanitary pads trying to stem the bleeding and passed some scary bloot clots before growing faint. Her boyfriend dialed 911.”

First, this is the apex of disgusting sex-toy injuries–no question about it. However, something has to be said about the victim’s name: April Bonjour. Something about her name screams porn actress or GOP mistress. Think about it.

Read on:

‘ “By the time they got there, I was in and out of consciousness,” she told SF Weekly. “My son … was terrified at the sight of me — he thought I was dying (quite frankly, so did I).”

Bonjour required several pints of blood when she arrived at the hospital. She has since physically recovered, but she claims she and her boyfriend have suffered emotional damage. Bonjour asked Pipedream Productions for compensation, the company refused, and so she’s now suing for personal injury, negligence, and breach of warranty.”

By 

As far as killer sex-toy stories go, this is quite frightening. She needed several pints of blood? She was in and out of consciousness? Bloot [sic] clots? Really? Her son thought she was dying? Yuck. Horrible. (All the heavy bleeding aside, aren’t you dying to know how she explained this one to her son??)

Something doesn’t seem right about this bloody snatch tale. I can’t quite put my finger on it (shut UP).

Did Bonjour and her beau examine the dildo before, you know, using it? Or did they just unwrap and dive right in? Call me crazy BUT if I’m gonna place something in my hoo-ha, I’m gonna take a good, hard (shuttie) look at it and make sure it ain’t gonna put me in the ER, hooked up to a trough-sized blood transfusion doohickey.

What’s the lesson here kids? Inspect all dildos to make sure you’re not really putting a butcher knife in your hoo-ha.

As for the lawsuit, I get it. Hopefully, both parties will settle before going to trial, and Bonjour et al will be compensated fairly and commence once again with the enhanced diddling.

However, if it DOES go to trial, I can only imagine what kind of sex toy questions could be asked of potential jurors during the voir dire….

7 thoughts on “WHEN SEX TOYS ATTACK!

  1. That’s rigfht, Alice. It’s the guy’s fault. Of course.

    Actually, it’s nobody’s fault. I call Bullshit on this whole sordid tale. (April Bonjour” my pink French tickler.) Besides, that’s not a photo of a sex toy, it’s a floor cleaner.

  2. Sounds like Boyfriend got a little aggressive trying to find her g-spot. But it makes sense when you remember that men hate following directions and will continue down the same road/path/route until they hit water.

Push it out, shove it out, waaaaay out...

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