Tongue tired

A few days ago, I was on the phone with a friend discussing job stuff. As always in conversations with me, the topic shifted from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Then, it segued into Douche-speak when he said, “Well, you know Julia, I’ve always been a cunning linguist, heh heh.”

I put my hand to my forehead and gave it a deep rub, then let out a big, and very audible, sigh.

“What?” I said, exasperated.

“You know, a “cunning linguist”, get it? GET IT? Heh heh! I just made that up too!” He was very proud of himself. I swore I heard him patting himself on the back.

“No, no you didn’t make that up.” I said. Now I was getting irritated.

“Yeah, I did. I really did,” he countered.

“No, you didn’t, you really didn’t,” I shot back.

“Did too,” He said.

“Did not,” I yelled into the phone, waking Linus. “Trust me, you did NOT make “cunning linguist’ up. I’ve heard it over and over and over through the years, and each time I do, the person saying it acts like they made it up.”

“Oh,” he said. He sounded so defeated. Tough shit, I thought. This is one of those life-lessons we all need to learn. You know, the types of life lessons that made Oprah rich just by suggesting we need to learn them.

After this particular back-and-forth, I’ve decided to put a stop to the “cunning linguist” nonsense by re-classifying it as unoriginal and banning it from all things McCrabass. However, you do get a pass the first time you say it around me, but the next time is verboten.

It doesn’t matter where this phrase came from. I know what it means — it’s a play on cunnilingus. Yes, it is clever and witty — the first time it’s uttered. But, uttering it more than once makes the one saying it look like he just earned a certificate from an online douchebag school — the type advertised during “Manswers.”

Also, I have a theory that most men who do say this, don’t know the meanings of either “cunning” or “linguist.” They just think it sounds clever and dirty — like maybe something they’d read in Penthouse Forum, or in a book they skimmed for a required lit class in college. OR, they do know the meanings of the words, and are going for the easy laugh.

After giving it some thought, I agree with what my pal Alice said about those who claim they’re “cunning linguists” — You’re probably horrible at cunnilingus.

That’s more like it.