Pristine privates

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS SALTY LANGUAGE AND IMAGES. IF YOU’RE EASILY OFFENDED, CLICK AWAY NOW!

Just when I thought I knew all about being a lady, I came across this tidbit.

“You And Your Sex Life: An

Illustrated Guide Book For

Women”

It’s from 1948. I’ll prove it.

A sampling:

“If you are a married woman and still find yourself indulging in masturbation to obtain an orgasm, there is something wrong with your marital relations. Try to work out an improved technique with your husband that will give you the sexual fulfillment you desire.” 

Marital relations? No wonder women played patty cake with themselves, and while we’re on the subject what’s wrong with women jackin’ it? Masturbation has been around for centuries. If god didn’t want the ladies to she-bop, he wouldn’t have invented fingers, long arms, and snatches. And let’s be honest here: sometimes sex just ain’t enough and, well, you get the rest.

I’ve jacked it three times since writing this post.

Kidding … maybe.

More, more, MORE.

“Many married women still masturbate but only because neither they nor their husbands know enough about the art of love to obtain full satisfaction  in the [WAIT FOR IT] normal act of coitus.” 

Coitus? No wonder married women masturbated back in the day. Who the hell would want to coit? Or whatever the root of coitus is? Sounds like something you need antibiotic ointment for after partaking in ‘sucky sucky for fi dollah’ while vacationing in Cambodia. 

I suggest reading the above link because I’m sure you haven’t seen the word ‘smegma’ in print in a long, long time — and you’ll want to see it to believe it. Now there’s a word that just isn’t used enough today.

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While we’re knee-deep in smut, let’s chat about manscaping.

Open up and say ahhh!

Manscaping is on my mind because of a post I came across earlier today courtesy of the Daily Beast.

Why ‘Manscaping’ Isn’t Just for

Porn Stars Anymore

As far as I’m concerned, mowing around the twig & berries was never just for porn stars or dudes who are part of the Provincetown Male Revue. Let’s face the bare facts here: Man bits are not that easy on the eyes. Add copious amounts of unruly brillo pad-esque hair and you’ve got a very hairy baby arm holding a puckered, rotten crab apple. Eww. I know, I know, you see that image every time you blink but it’ll subside with time. Or with a direct hit to the skull with a ball-peen hammer.

“The Atlantic reported this month that female pubic hair in America is on the road to extinction, but that’s a bit like noting the spotted owl is an endangered species. Grooming and waxing experts say the latest trend in pubic hair removal isn’t targeted at women—it’s for the guys. There’s evidence of this all around us (if you dare to look). The most startling aspect of seeing Anthony Weiner’s penis in a leaked iPhone sext earlier this year wasn’t its size, but that it looked like a plucked chicken. The same is true of other celebrities’ trimmed full-monty shots, from football player Brett Favre to Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz.”

Pete Wentz? They just had to go there. Hang on a sec, I’m imagining what Leo Sayer would look like naked. Hey, anyone is better than Pete Wentz. Also, I take issue with seeing the words ‘spotted owl’ and ‘female pubic hair’ in the same sentence. It reminds of the classic lyrics “One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong … ”

(I don’t want the sweats to fall off either, folks.)

I’m all for manscaping. Plenty of us gals do the lady kind, so why shouldn’t men? I posed this question to my pal Squatty, and here’s what he had to say. (bless his brilliant wit and his, um, bare-man bits)

“There are highly educated pseudo-scientists idiots there called psychologists who have spun theories about this trend, linking male preference for hairlessness generally, and on female parts specifically, with “infantilism,” which is another completely fictional condition of their own manufacture. But I’d suggest the popular trend toward the porn star look suggests that this is nothing more sinister than evolving aesthetics, a change in opinion about beauty and sexual attraction. 

Idiots.  They never get it right.

Or maybe more men are shaving their nuts because of bedbugs.  Yeah, that must be it.”

Over and out.