The agony of defeat

I can’t believe what a fuck-up I am.

It’s astounding. I’ve been spent the past few days going over and over in my head, racking my brain, searching my memory banks, peering into the deep, dark, disgusting depths of my soul to figure why I am such a colossal fuck-up. Who in one of my past lives did I piss off? Was I a Nazi guard at a deathcamp and now karma is kicking me in the ass? Did I abuse orphans in Calcutta back in the day? Did I kick puppies or something? Who did I pick on when I was a child that caused the universe to sit up, take notice, and make a point of making sure I don’t succeed in anything at any cost? Was someone recently a recipient of a dirty look that wasn’t a dirty look, but a witness to my face when I’m deep in thought? Who the hell knows.

Or am I a complete moron who happens to be a wonderful actress and has oh so many people fooled?

Somewhere in between lies the truth.

I’ve been in LA for a little over a month and it’s been a huge struggle, not a challenge, a struggle. I’ve had a few painful-as-hell job rejections and sent out tons of resumes for jobs that actually fit my skills set — more so than when I was in Chicago — but so far, nothing. There’s more opportunity out here for someone like me — this town seems to ‘get’ me. I’m more comfortable here, and can’t see myself living anywhere else. (well, maybe San Fran or NYC)

But, who the hell was I to think I could get a job out here? How delusional am I? Quite, obviously.

On the plus-side, I’ve met some great people who are fun, inspiring and NICE. That’s huge with me — NICE.

I’ve also “met” a lot of folks via email who don’t like to return emails. Or phone calls. Lordy, I hope they’re never out of work and in need of contacts because, well, we all know how karma works.

I’ve come to the conclusion, however, that I do everything wrong. EVERYTHING. When I try to make things better for me, I get slapped down in the most obscene manner. It’s astonishing to me. My friends and family who are experiencing huge successes, I curse them under my breath. “Die in a fire,” is what I hear the evil Julia saying more and more. Some folks I know aren’t any smarter than I am. The bad part is, the decent and kind Julia is taking her own sweet time at punishing the Evil One. It ain’t pretty, but it’s the truth.

So, what do I do about this? No clue. My psyche is spent. Worn out. Frayed. Beat. Fucked. I’m down to eating one meal a day because I don’t want to spend the money. I don’t answer phone calls anymore. Thank dog for voicemail.

I might as well take up running — maybe I’ll be as successful as Jim Fixx was.

16 thoughts on “The agony of defeat

  1. It pains me to read here that you’re being so hard on yourself. What you’re doing in this very difficult economy is very challenging, but I do think anything in life that is worth having will not come easily. It sounds to me that you’re getting interviews if you’re getting “painful as hell job rejections” so at least you’re getting in some doors. You just have to keep trying until you enter the door of the place that is the right fit for you. You’ve only been out in LA for about a month and you’ve yet to find that place. It’s premature to give into feelings of failure just because accomplishing what you’re trying to do is taking longer than anticipated. I know you’re frustrated and it’s so easy to think the world is against you when it sure doesn’t look like it’s for you, but you’re pursuing a very competitive field during very trying times. Don’t lose confidence in yourself. A break could finally come your way tomorrow, next week, next month, etc., and one break is all you need to get out of your deep funk. As Jesse Jackson would say, “Keep hope alive.”

  2. Well, Jules, I think you are a champion for going back to L.A. I hope the next month is kinder. This economy is unbelievable.
    Just know I send you good vibes and love,

    vanessa

    • I think you’ve taken me out of context… But if she continues to beat herself up it will show at the next interview, and the one after that. Again, if she had the courage to move it will pay off.

    • These are the kind of friends you need. Not jerks who take of the role as “career councilors”

      I have an old WW-2 British poster over my desk that reads” Keep Calm And Cary One,”

      I simple phrase that speaks volumes.

      • i don’t mind the comments that much, but what i take umbrage with are those who act like no one blames the world even an iota for what has happened in their lives. Those who say they don’t blame karma or the world are full of shit. Of course they do! As humans, we’re trained to blame others around us, not ourselves, for our problems. EVERYONE does this!

  3. Hey group, could you please ease up on this fine woman and friend. She doesn’t need this “advice”…”If you had the guts to

    move you’ll find what’s looking for YOU.” The economy is tough and mean these days. She’s busted her ass 24/7 to find a job.

    This is life in 2012, not the script from “It A Wonderful Life.”

  4. I think Retwel1 has a good point. You speak a lot of karma and thiings aren’t going how you want. Listen closely to everything around you. Maybe you’re pulling away from something that needs you but it’s just not what you’re expecting.

  5. A tad bit hard on yourself, don’tcha think? You really believe you should have a job after only 30 days… Don’t panic. Stop trying to find a job, or friends, for that matter. Look for opportunities to do what you love or enjoy most. If you had the guts to move you’ll find what’s looking for YOU.

    • Nope, not hard on myself at all. Try spending a few days in my shoes–you’ll want to jump off the fucking Suicide Bridge in Pasadena. Also, I don’t ‘try’ to make friends–that just happens naturally. that’s one thing I’ve never had to try very hard at.

Push it out, shove it out, waaaaay out...

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