Just To Clarify

I love this woman.
Now HERE is someone who deserves to be Freshly Pressed or Processed or Pooped or Pulled-Apart or whatever it’s called.

Pornos should be made in her honor.

King of States!

You want to curtail my right to control what happens inside my personal uterus because once upon a time ten years ago, you saw the grainy outline of a pulsating bean on a tiny television screen.

Got it. Thank you for the compelling scientific data.

I assume this bodes well for my personal policy recommendation that we abolish public libraries because when I was 19 years old, I almost hit a Basset Hound with my car on the way to a library. Okay, it wasn’t a library, it was a Waldenbooks, but they’re out of business now so libraries it is.

What? It’s like you WANT puppies to die. You disgust me.

View original post

Swimmin’ pools, movie stars!!

Hey, take a gander at last week’s paycheck from the temp job I have! Hope you’re sitting down because you’re gonna be shocked, SHOCKED by how much money I’m making.

Let me remind you folks that jealousy is a soul-killer, and if you let the green monster invade your being, it’ll hurt you in an Ebola kinda way.

You aren’t worthy. Really. The sooner you realize this, the better.

If you need me, I’ll be hanging out with Mitt while we move moneys around our Swiss bank accounts just for shits and giggles.

Purple Pain

I’m convinced that some male fashion designers absolutely abhor women. They make shit for, what they claim, is for art’s sake when in reality they fucking hate us.

Don’t believe me? Well, feast your peepers on these fab frocks and please, by all means, tell me what you think.

(courtesy of weirdomatic.com)

And, finally … nothing quite says art like a big, stank-ass ashtray with a smoldering cig in it that’s really a chapeau:

(courtesy of puppiesandflowers.com)

Once upon a time, actually it’s more like once upon many a-time, I puked up stuff resembling these threads. That was a time when I was knee-deep in a nasty-as-fuck eating disorder where refunding food was a common occurrence. So, it’s only natural that when I gaze upon such stuff, it’s like a bulimic ‘Nam PTSD flashback minus the “DIDI MAO!!”, rats eating through my tumtum to get out of the bamboo/water trap and Charlie. Thank dog that I no longer do such a thing. Instead, I prefer to showcase my self-loathing via this blog, and by committing petty crimes like flipping off truckers on the interstate and flashin’ mah boobs at the religious nutlies who dare to ring my bell.

All was well and good.
Then came you.

Fortunately, this didn’t cause me to stick my fingers down my throat, but it did give me one helluva chuckle. After watching it a few times, it reminded me of something. Long lead-in, but it’s worth the wait.

There. That’s much better.

What’s next?

Oh yeah. While I was shopping for various sundries and my weekly supply of box wine, I had a wee run-in with one of the neighborhood’s more colorful characters. I’ve seen this woman around from time to time–yelling at trees and fire hydrants–whatever object is harshing her mellow that day. She’s harmless–as far as I can tell–and she’s never said one word to me.

Until today.

After my reign of terror in Jewel, I was pushing my goods in a cart out to my car. I was in my own little McCrabass universe so I didn’t notice her quickly sidling up to me. By the time I spied her, it was too late. I turned just in time to catch some spit with my cheek and a dirty hand moving quickly to my head.

“WITCH! WITCH!”

I know, I was surprised too, but not really. I’ve been called worse and consider being called a “witch” a huge compliment, a badge of honor if you will. Unlike Christine O’Donnell, it would be easy for me to capitalize on this moniker.

Ruh-roh, I forgot to mention an important detail here. I had a layer of my chocolate-thunder brown hair dyed dark purple/blue. Also, the ends in the back look like they’ve been ‘dipped’ in the same color. It’s subtle, and looks good. Not outlandish at all, and considering what I’ve seen lurking on the streets of Chicago, my hair color is fucking Ann Romney-esque in comparison.

Not according to my touched little friend.

I grabbed her paw just as she was about to fondle my purple goods.

“Oh, no touch, dearest. You touch me and you’ll lose your hand, mmmkay?” I said, my eyes locked on hers.

I noticed then she looked an awful lot like Miles Davis and it gave me pause, but not for long. There was no time to ponder this similarity since her other hand was careening quickly toward my hair. This time, I slapped her hand away, put my hand up, palm facing her and raised my voice.

“You try this again and it ain’t gonna be pretty. I suggest you walk away before you get hurt.”

My heart was pounding by this point because this woman was big — bigger than me. I was scared shitless but my eyes never left hers. She finally backed down and started to wander off. I watched as she stomped off and was about to get into my car when it appeared she was at a safe distance, when she spun on her heels and screeched:

“I CURSE YOU AND YOUR PURPLE HAIR YOU FUCKING BITCH!!”

With that, I blew her a kiss, got in my car and drove home.

The Daily Asshole

Gotcha! You thought I was referring to him, didn’t you? (Warning: if you click on the previous link, your computer might grow horns, a tail, cloven hooves and a forked tongue & kill Max Von Sydow.)

Well, no. I was referring to one of Mr. Romney’s GOP brethren, Arkansas State Rep. Jon Hubbard (R-Jonesboro).

(courtesy Arkansas Statehouse)

Somehow in his lifetime, Rep. Hubbard honed his hate, got scared & educated and wrote a book using the blood of non-Christians.

Mr. Hubbard believes that slavery was a good thing for African Americans, and that African Americans have ruined public education for us white folks because of their supposed “lack of discipline and ambition.”

That’s it, you say?

C’mon Jules, he’s just spewing the same shit some of his fellow politicians from both parties have been saying aloud for the, oh, last few decades. Tell me something I don’t already know.

Ok, well, this isn’t in the book but, Mr. Hubbard is all for people showing birth certificates when they show up in hospitals for non-emergency care to make sure them damn illegals don’t use up any medicine that’s supposed to go to ‘muricans. He’s also allll about defending Christianity in America — whatever the hell that means. Fucking over people of color is a Christian value, see. That’s what I gleaned from his proclamation. Lord help those who could benefit from the committees he sits on.

This particular tome is a doozy too — it’s chock-full of fun statements like:

“… the institution of slavery that the black race has long believed to be an abomination upon its people may actually have been a blessing in disguise. The blacks who could endure those conditions and circumstances would someday be rewarded with citizenship in the greatest nation ever established upon the face of the Earth.” (Pgs 183-89)

And, since he’s got his knickers in a twist about immigrants, he wrote this:

… the immigration issue, both legal and illegal … will lead to planned wars or extermination. Although now this seems to be barbaric and uncivilized, it will at some point become as necessary as eating and breathing.” (Pg 9)

Hmm … this sounds familiar. Mighty familiar. Where oh where have I seen this before? <scrunches forehead, frowns and rubs chin with thumb and forefinger–my sarcastic thinking pose>

Thanks a lot, Arkansas. I hope this choad doesn’t run for national office.

 

Look Who Bought the Myth!

Boy oh boy did I ever! What myth do you spaketh of dearest Julia?

The myth that if you work hard, get real good edumacated and play by all the rules that you’ll get a job.

Excuse me for a minute whilst I cackle like the terribly misunderstood witch in “Bewitched Bunny”. Wait–come to think of it–this is more like it.

Sorry–it took me a while to dry my eyes and don some clean knickers. Ahem. Sometimes laughter ain’t the best medicine, and whoever said that needs to have their balls shaved with a dull, dirty razor. Then, that person needs to sit for a long, long time in a big pile of salt. Man oh man, I would be aces at torture.

Anyhoo, currently I’m staring at the dirty asshole of 21 months of unemployment. Yep. I’ve written about this before but now this sitch is getting mighty damn ridiculous. In the past 48 hours, I’ve received three tears/sobs-producing rejections. I would’ve loved to work at any of these places, but once again, I was told in so many words that I suck shit. That I’m not worthy of employment at all, and that I should just give up.

Well, I have. Stick a fork in me folks because I’m done.

 

Over 500 carefully crafted resumes and cover letters have been sent, networking and ass-kissing has been accomplished (I deserve an Oscar) and I’ve “Linked In” up the whazoo. Stories I’ve pitched are ignored or given to someone else to write. I’ve even started this extreme diet because all of the places I’ve interviewed at are inhabited by uber-thin folks. Next up: Botox and skin-lightening treatments.

I’ve learned a lot, met a lot of good people, but not enough apparently.

Meanwhile, half-wit woman hater Todd Akin doesn’t know the difference between an abortion and a D&C and people want him to help lead this country? Oh, dearest Julia, surely you gest! No one can be that thick! See, this is what happens when you let God into politics. Or, when you think you know how God would rule on such matters.

Watch:

My plans? To lay low for the rest of the year because 2012 ain’t no longer worthy of my time.

It’s been a shit-fuck-ass mess of a year. Nothing has worked out and that just boggles me wee noggin. Now, normally I’m not one to wish my life away, but as for the rest of 2012, well, I ain’t participating. This year had a chance and it blew it. Big time. It’ll be interesting to see if I even decide my vote is worth it. The current POTUS hasn’t done shit for me so why should I even bother? Or, maybe this guy has the right idea? 

So..neener neener neener, 2012. Go away. Please.

Dissed Again

The recipients of the MacArthur Genius Grants for 2012 were announced yesterday and I was mighty surprised that I wasn’t among them.

Da noive!

Seriously though, the fellows have me scratching my in-dire-need-of-a-vigorous-shampoo-head. Pulitzer Prize winner Junot Diaz? He’s already well-known, is an incredible writer and probably makes a decent amount of moola each year, why did he get it? Same with David Finkel, an editor at the Washington Post. Of course, these two men are talented, but I was of the belief that winners of the $500,000 no-strings-attached stipend were usually struggling artists or scientists.

Oh how mistaken I be.

What also surprises me is the nomination process. Turns out it is shroud in secrecy — one can’t nominate him/herself — the fellows are nominated by an anonymous group or an anonymous person, then those nominees move onto an even more anonymous group to be voted on yet again anonymously.

Why do I have visions of this particular scene when I imagine what the whole anonymous nominating process is like?

Got it … I think. Not only do I have to get my ass in shape, buy yet another g-string and fancy head dress, I also have to prove to the fucking world I’m a serious writer who could use the $100,000 stipend paid out over 5 years, no-strings-attached.

So, how do I go about being nominated anonymously?

Guess I have to stop scowling and spitting at strangers on the street, on the CTA and in the holding cells from now on. Time to hone my flirting with cops to get out of those indecent exposure and lewd behavior arrests. And–this one hurts the most–I’ll have to discontinue going to my local OTB facility wearing just my Daisy Dukes, halter top and cowboy boots — no matter what the weather is. Also, time to stop dotting my i’s with little hearts and kitten faces.

Crap. There goes flipping people off randomly from now on too.

The goal here is to get folks to see me as a serious writer, who knows how to behave like a lady writer out in public.

This puts a serious damper on my social activities.

My New Muse

35 “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” GIFs You Need To See Right Now 35 “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” GIFs You Need To See Right Now – The Frisky. (You know you wanna click on the link–trust me–you’ll be glad you did)

(courtesy astrochicks.com)

Go ahead and mock, but this little moppet has given me hope and inspiration.

Now, if you’ll essscuse me, I gotta go make some sketti, check on ole “3 Thumbs” Kaitlyn, then watch Glitzy shit on the kitchen table.

Beats the crap out of following politics these days.

Toodles, y’all.

This is how one writes a protest letter…

One of my favorite authors of all-time, and her response to her book “To Kill A Mockingbird” being banned in Virginia. Class act all the way and it wouldn’t surprise me if the gist of the letter was lost on the receivers.

celluloid blonde

harper lee

 

This is on of my favorite author letters responding to news the author’s book has been banned, penned by Harper Lee in 1966 when she heard To Kill a Mockingbird was pulled from school library shelves by the Hanover County School Board in Virginia. [Harper Lee so rocks.]

Monroeville, Alabama
January, 1966

Editor, The News Leader:

Recently I have received echoes down this way of the Hanover County School Board’s activities, and what I’ve heard makes me wonder if any of its members can read.

Surely it is plain to the simplest intelligence that “To Kill a Mockingbird” spells out in words of seldom more than two syllables a code of honor and conduct, Christian in its ethic, that is the heritage of all Southerners. To hear that the novel is “immoral” has made me count the years between now and 1984, for I have yet to come across…

View original post 79 more words