Petraeus’s Pussy Problem

What former CIA Director General David Petraeus said in a statement after it was discovered by the FBI he was playing hide the ballistic missile with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, author of the tome about her paramilitary paramour titled, [B]All In, was expected and quite dull. Zzzzzz….

“After being married for over 37 years, I showed extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair,” Mr. Petraeus said in his statement, expressing regret for his abrupt departure. “Such behavior is unacceptable, both as a husband and as the leader of an organization such as ours. This afternoon, the president graciously accepted my resignation.”

Whoopsie!

Just for once, I’d LOVE to hear an apology statement by a government official upon resignation given in the appropriate lingo of his/her career choice. Confused? Well, here’s what he should have said:

“After slipping my warhead past Ms. Broadwell’s strategic defense systems, I have surrendered my position. I have waved the white flag, admitted that civilian poontang was my Waterloo. I apologetically let loose many an improvised explosive device in her fox hole, and my actions are regrettable. I am currently engaged in intense peace negotiations with my military spouse of 37 years, and am hoping for a truce but I have an inkling my actions have only created my own little DMZ. Therefore, the Commander-in-Chief, who has never spent one damn fucking day in uniform, acted like a major pussy and accepted my resignation. What a pud. Me? Well, I’m a SCUD stud!”

Way to acoustically jam her, General.

5 thoughts on “Petraeus’s Pussy Problem

  1. Excellent post.

    Some day — maybe — this country will get a more sophisticated grip on matters like this. Who gives a damn who’s fucking whom — just wipe yourselves off and get the job done and we’ll all be happy.

    Who was it said “A man is only s smart as his pecker”? Was it Mae West? Or Howdy Doody?

  2. I agree with Weebles. If we were French this would all be handled privately although DSK’s shameless and epic philandering, that might soon be proven to be criminal, might have even inspired them to reconsider their views on what goes on outside of a marriage. Also, she’s married, too, with two kids. You spend a lot of time with someone powerful and charismatic (him) attractive and smart (her), and maybe after a bottle of wine or two they’re suddenly bumping uglies. It happens, but for most that find themselves in that type of situation, it’s not career killing. I think the punishment is much harsher than the crime.

  3. You’re in the wrong line of work, Jules–you should be in PR.

    Frankly, I don’t care where Petraeus has been discharging his weapon. I mean, at this point, if every guy who had an affair resigned from his position, we’d have nobody left to do anything.

  4. Sadly, he was probably the best thing to hit the CIA since … well, forever. He knew what the CIA needed to do to REALLY help the military and support our ops around the world. And how does he deliver on such promise? Not keeping his sidearm holstered – and I ain’t talkin’ his M92 Beretta!
    How somebody can be so smart and so stupid at the same time. Maybe we need to go back to the attendant riding on the chariot, whispering “You are mortal, you are mortal”. Or maybe, “To be a good spy, don’t unzip your fly!”

    • I agree. He was good for the CIA. I said to a friend earlier who was talking about how surprised she was that he was all about his sausssiiige, i told her that if all govt officials resigned due to extramarital diddlings, there wouldn’t be anyone around to run things.
      Not a real bad thing when one thinks about it.

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