2012 — Your Year in Choads

2012 will be noted in the record books as one of the choadiest years ever. Why oh why would you make such a proclamation, Julia? Not only did we have one of the oddest years in human behavior, but the election shenanigans put the ‘crap’ in craptastic choadiness.

2012 was ugly from day one and it just got uglier and uglier as the year progressed– especially in the political arena. Needless to say, the folks on the following list not only embarrassed us the world over, but they sure did a bang-up job of making the human race look like a big pile of chunk-filled dung. (Note: John Boehner, Rush Limbaugh, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell, Bill O’Reilly, Hannity, Newt and the NRA are already in the Choad Hall of Fame, so mentioning them here would be redundant.) The vetting process was brutal and I know I’m missing some choads, but I’m sure they’ll be on my 2013 list.

So, without further adieu and in no particular order, I present to you–my loyal three readers–Your Year in Choads.

The Donald.

(courtesy of examiner.com)

(courtesy of examiner.com)

The thrice-married Trump never ceases to amaze me. He inherited millions from his father, then felt the need to continue to dumb down society with his tee vee shows and tomes. He has even sullied my city with a multi-floor steel phallus with great views, and overpriced units. That was a Trump I could live with–out of my league financially and matrimonily–but I never bought into his bullshit so ignoring him wasn’t a chore at all. However, he had to go and ruin it for me and everyone else by opening his fat yap about how the President isn’t a citizen and how the country was robbed during the election (even though Obama won the popular vote) with a series of ill-timed and uber-choady Tweets–which he promptly deleted. Oh and early in the campaign, he was actually a candidate. But, never fear, Trump will be back in 2013, and will be a bigger choad than Donald Trump. Notice how I didn’t even mention his hair?

Sheldon Adelson.

If Citizens United had a dick, Sheldon Adelson should be giving it blowies all the live long day as a thank-you gift. Yeah, I know. I have that image in my mental Rolodex too and I have no idea how to get it out of there. A brain transplant may turn out to be the way to go, and I’d be happy with an Abby Normal-esque brain at this point. The good thing is, Adelson’s attempts to buy the election failed the way the uterus supposedly does when raped legitimately. Ahem. Imagine the good Adelson coulda done with that money had he done something useful, like for instance, help his beloved Israel build a better defense system.

And speaking of legitimate rape, there’s Todd Akin.

I’ll let the magical combo of video and the Internets speak for Mr. Akin (who lost in November–big time–by the way). Akin’s advisers, the “doctors” who told him about how the female body “works”, anyone who has ever hung out with or believed in Akin, well, y’all are choads too.

Nikki Haley

haley try me

Choads are not limited to men, my friends. Nooo…never. Not only did Gov. Haley NOT consider Stephen Colbert for Jim DeMint’s now-vacate Senate seat, she doesn’t want nuthin’ to do with Obamacare even though her state, South Carolina, is desperate for the help. Like Haley’s fellow GOP governors, she’d prefer to pout and eat worms in the garden because the smart, black guy won AGAIN, and now his monumental, life-saving legislation is truly the law of the land. Basically, she’d rather fuck over her constituents to make a point than help them. That horrid attitude makes her one of the Choads of the Year.

Richard Mourdock.

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

(courtesy HuffPo)

(courtesy HuffPo)

He’s rape’s champion and for that, he almost beat Rep. Joe Donnelly in the Indiana race for the Senate.

What’s even more amazing is some woman finds him fuckable.

Personhood Amendments/He-Man Woman Hater’s Club.

It’s safe to say the today’s GOP don’t like us ladyfolk very much. That hatred was evident in the candidates they nominated and the legislation/ballot initiatives that so many states tried to pass, or get on the ballots. Then, there was the kerfuffle over the transnatch ultrasound bill requiring all women in Virginia who wanted an abortion to have this lubed-up wand stuck up their hoo-hahs so they can see what’s dancing on their bladders. The best part? Women have to pay for this humiliation out of their own pockets because Lord knows the GOP doesn’t want to pay for it–hell, they’d rather protect guns than people, see. There are so many anti-woman stories that happened this year that writing about them would cause me to start biting my face again.

But, I’ll give you one more to chew on.   It’s the creme-de-la-creme of choady anti-woman fucked-in-the-head laws that some states in this great country–you know the one that is the most powerful & most advanced in the entire world–seem to love to pass. All of us ladies who still experience menses are pregnant whether we like it or not. That kinda sucks out loud.

Mike Huckabee

331123-mike-huckabee

Gosh, there is so much that can be spewed about the good Rev. Mike. He’s besties with Chuck Norris, his son likes to kill dogs, he’s has a love/hate relationship with weight loss, he blames gays for all of society’s ills, and a bunch of other assorted treats that are too many to mention.

But, this vidya demonstrates just how choad-a-rrific this man of god really is.

Jan Brewer

(courtesy ABC News)

(courtesy ABC News)

The weathered, ridden-hard-and-put-away-wet governor of Arizona is the greatest of all lady choads. She loathes people of color, has a pointy-anointy claw that she likes to point at the POTUS; loves guns; probably has nudie pix of Sheriff Joe Arpaio; allegedly shits Coppertone; kicks puppies; has a law that says all bleeding women are pregnant; is considering running for a third term; more than likely believes in Henrietta Pussycat but not climate change; and finally, contrary to popular belief, did NOT star in “There’s Something About Mary.”

theres-something-about-mary-20090615050344742-000

30 Things I’m Dumping in 2013

Here’s a long-ass list of stuff I’m dumping from my life in 2013:

1) Unemployment

2) Ambien

3) Trying to please people who don’t give a shit about me.

4) Not taking care of myself emotionally.

5) Not taking care of myself physically.

6) Chicago

7) This overwhelming sense that I’m a complete failure.

8) Forgetting friends’ important life events.

9) Swearing

10) Unsightly pit stains.

11) Body hair that’s long enough to braid

12) The body in the trunk of my car.

13) Bread–the food, not the band.

14) People named Poindexter, Mitt, Karl Rove, and Cheney.

15) The gangsta lifestyle. I don’t have the ass for it.

16) Gene Hackman’s knickers

17) Cheap liquor

18) Cheap hookers

19) Leo Sayer –he’s been hogging my couch for too damn long.

20) Expectations of any sort.

21) Sarcasm

22) My bad attitude toward stupid people who are more successful than I am.

23) My bad attitude toward asshole people who are more successful than I am.

24) Clutter

25) Self doubt.

26) Fear of success

27) Stuff

28) That chaise on the sun porch. It’s a chaise of pain.

29) That weird item in my glove box. It’s starting to creep me out.

30) Threeve.

 

 

Les Jiz

NSFW! WARNING! PORNY IMAGES IN POST! REAL NASTY ONES TOO!

Some people are so creative. Especially porn stars. I mean, who else coulda come up with double penetration?

(Thanks to kingdong.com)

(Thanks to kingdong.com)

Now that I’ve given you ideas of how to ring in the New Year with your gardener and pool boy, let’s get on with my story.

From Moral Low Ground.

Japanese Porn Star Uta Kohaku Collects Fans’ Semen for New Video

I … I … yep.

(h/t espanol.lpcdigital.com)

(h/t espanol.lpcdigital.com)

I don’t know what was funnier–researching this woman and her quest to have her fans send her bottles of spunk, or hearing my friend’s comments when we happened upon an Asian porn site. The categories were typical: Bukkake, Threesomes, Girl-on-Girl… zzzzzz. But, what tickled his fancy was the “Asians with Big Tits” category because according to him, “Asian broads don’t normally have big tittehs.” Great. Now the world can go back to spinning.

Anyhoo, it turns out, Miz Uta Kohaku, who has starred in such classics as “Porn Star Virgin Tastes Male Virgin First Time” and “Nipple Play with Lesbian Duo“, was looking for co-stars of sorts for her upcoming opus “Semen Collection 2” which can only mean there’s a “Semen Collection 1” swimming around the universe for us to feast our eyes upon! HOT DAMN! So, her bosses at RADIX STUDIOS alerted the Twitterverse and lo and behold, Japan turned into one big circle jerk. The rest is history.

(courtesy capitalbay.com)

(courtesy capitalbay.com)

What is this world coming to?

 

 

After 50, It’s All Patch, Patch, Patch …

I’ve been pondering lately why I am a writer slash journalist. Is it because my great-grandfather was a writer slash journalist? Is it because I love it? Is it because I’m allll about telling stories, making up characters and whatnot? Is it because I looooove digging through public records, getting irascible sources to talk to me? Is it because I adore composing FOIAs in my sleep? NOOO! It’s because I knew that someday I would compose something pithy enough to capture the attention of one Jon Erickson.

Why…yes..YES that IS the reason.

Erickson, a fellow Chicagoan who is now an Ohioan who blogs, has a birthday today–a big one too–the big 5-0.

Happy, happy to the only man over 20 who uses emoticons more than a 13-year-old girl.  Keep on keepin’ on!

Shit Faced

I had to absorb this tome a titch before I wrote about it. Let it soak into my pores, my being..

From NBC5 Chicago.

CTA Passenger Attacked With Sock Filled With Human Feces

I live in Chicago and I’ve seen a lot of strange, ahem, shit. I have a love/hate relationship with this city–always have, always will. Somedays, this is a stellar city with its magnificent skyline, vibrant neighborhoods, cul-cha, colorful pols,and so-so sports teams.

Best. Skyline. Ever. (courtesy of blog.chicagodetours.com)

Best. Skyline. Ever. (courtesy of blog.chicagodetours.com)

However, like any major city, Chicago is rife with issues and odd people. Very odd, and oddly enough, most of those folks use the Chicago Transit Authority as way to get around and well, do stupid, um, shit. One of the more livelyl El lines is the Blue Line, which goes to O’Hare and out to Forest Park. I’ve ridden it many times, and have experienced/witnessed many gross things–a dude get a blowie across from me (mid-day on the Red Line), sitting in a pee-soaked seat (the Purple Line north, a Loop-bound Brown Line), saw someone shoot Vitamin H & ask if I had a spoon on me (Red Line), being asked if I thought a besotted gentleman’s wedding tackle was ‘doable’ (It wasn’t. Again, the Red Line) and so on.

But, I have never had someone fling a SOCK OF POO in my face.

“A woman riding the Chicago Transit Authority’s Blue Line in Oak Park told police she was last week attacked by another passenger wielding a sock filled with human feces.

“He had a sock full of his poop on me,” the 21-year-old college student told the Pioneer Press. “It was everywhere; on my face, my hair, my clothes.”

The victim, requesting anonymity, said she screamed and tried to follow her attacker, but he escaped up the Austin Boulevard exit and ran northbound on Austin.”

We’ve all stepped in shit, maybe even slipped & fell into it (shut UP), chucked it at someone in a drunken rage (shhh) and MAYBE served it to an ex-beau after it turned out he was a major fuckweasel (ummmm, not I), but having a sockful of it slapped in your face is certainly a first for, well, everyone EVER.

No wonder the victim wanted to remain anonymous.

“It was like the biggest degradation I’ve ever [experienced]. I wish he had just hit me,” she said, because she thinks that would have been less traumatic.”

Yeah, no shit.

On a related note, I’m sure this photo has been ‘shopped, but so what–it’s a HOOT.

(courtesy Facebook)

(courtesy Facebook)

Dear Mike, Louie, Rush and Bryan:

Eat a dick.

Same goes for the news producers who are using social media to get to Sandy Hook Elementary School children with the hopes of interviewing them. You’re a disgrace to my profession.

Oh, and Rep. Louie Gohmert? I got nothing. Fucking bastard.

Rush.

Finally, seek help, Mr. Fischer because you don’t know dick about God.

 

PS-I’ll be back to my regular wit and snark later this week. Thanks.