Apparently, the last vestiges of a particular plague are finished with Congress.
Jim DeMint (R-SC)
I’m not here to write about politics because I just got out of my padded cell due to good behavior, and writing about the cacophony that is our Legislative Branch would send me right back to face-biting territory.
Who knew that Newton Minow‘s words he uttered back in the 60s would still resonate today? Was Minow clairvoyant enough to realize that reality tee vee would be the beginning of the end for society? Is he in cahoots with those wascally Mayans?
I believe he is and I present to you a few examples of the modern-day “vast wasteland.”
“Neat Freaks” coming soon to TLC. I watched an episode of this show and it made me want to never, ever clean anything ever again. Ever. Nope. Not gonna. What it did make me was very sad. The people featured have serious issues with, well, everything. My fave was the personal trainer who told a prospective love interest that he would spray her body with hydrogen peroxide before they got “intimate.” Seriously–I’d leave both kinds of skid marks getting away from that loon.
“Amish Mafia” hasn’t aired yet, but will debut on Dec. 12th, and I can’t wait.
Hmm..something about having a Don named “Lebanon Levi” doesn’t exactly strike the fear of God into me. The Moses beard and woolen socks aren’t the same as lizard skin loafers, pinky rings stacked on stubby digits and having several severed heads in bowling bags. To me, he’s the farm community tough you call when you discover that the shady farrier didn’t put enough nails in Stumblebum’s shoes and he needs to be taught a lesson with a rasp. There’s Levi’s right hand guy, Alvin the Chipmunk who’s the muscle. Oh and the Henry Hill (not Sicilian) of the group, Jolin (Mennonite) carries about punishments willy-nilly since he’s not pure Amish and therefore, not subject to their laws.
I’ll be tuning in to see just how tough this Mafia is, but if there isn’t at least one killing over some barn raising shenanigans then I’m done.
I’ve watched about 3 episodes of this show, and all I’ve got is: Imagine the smell.
What the entire fuck? I couldn’t get past the beards and the idea that they smell like a combo platter of animal guts, chew, dirty/diseased pussy, moonshine and wood smoke.
Shows like “Duck Dynasty” tell me that tee vee development execs have given up on ever producing anything worthwhile because the American public learned years ago to eat the shit we’re given politely with a knife and fork. All of the good stuff is on cable anyway … hey… wait .. a damn..minute…
I remember reading something once upon a time as to why shows like the ones listed above are so popular–people can relate to the folks featured. Really? You can relate to people who are third-rate philosophers, sex tape producers and are afraid of what happens when you mix soap and water together? Oh Moses smell the duck-gut soaked roses folks, it’s reprogramming time!
Oh and these shows are super cheap to produce, plus there are some folks walking among the intelligent who believe the whole 15 Minutes of Fame rumor. Sadly, these folks are tee vee execs who have the creativity of a car battery.
Finally, for those of you who are mourning the impending doom of “The Jersey Shore”, you have this to look forward to.
Basically, MTV took the spooge/cheap liquor/tanning oil-soaked cast and rednecked ‘em up a scosch and plopped them down in the middle of the set of Deliverance 2.0. but this time with inbreeding, moonshine, ATVs, dorks and illiteracy. Talk about a huge shit sandwich. Perhaps MTV should changed its name to Shit TV since they no longer play music vidyas. Knowing how the viewing public is, “Buck Wild” is sure to be a huge hit.
The slide down crap mountain continues.
The word “choad” never appears in my blog. :(
…and you’re a better writer for it.
“I couldn’t get past the beards and the idea that they smell like a combo platter of animal guts, chew, dirty/diseased pussy, moonshine and wood smoke.”
I love you even more for this. You dug deep, my friend. This is keeper!
thank ye
crackers and morons.. haa
I’ll stick to Nick at Nite thank you very much
Yep, a plague would do nicely. Or a helluva lot more bleach in the gene pool.
Ya know, we should set up our own little syndicate, kidnap some of those clean freaks, and let ‘em loose on our homes. God knows my place would not only benefit many times over, but I’m sure the cleaner would have a heart-attack from the finely-aged hairballs maneuvering up and down the stairs!
I really want to catch one, BUT ONLY ONE, episode of the so-called “Amish Mafia”. Writing up a list of all that’s incorrect with the show should take me DECADES – unless I wimp out and just scrawl “ALL BS” on a sheet of paper. (Something tells me that last choice is WAY too close to the truth to even be funny.)
So where were the keepin’ ya in the wrap-around jacket? I always enjoyed Elgin State Mental Hospital/. You know, the one that’s surrounded by signs along the roads saying “Do Not Pick Up Hitchhikers”. I always wanted one of those signs, but never got one. Though I did once see a guy with his hood up on his car, looking like he needed a ride. The best part? The car was a Caprice, in the livery of the Illinois State Police! (Don’t worry, I refrained from pulling up and yelling “I’d love to help you, sir, but you might be a lunatic!” Police in Illinois have VERY small senses of humour – except in Elk Grove Village! :D )
Elgin State Mental Hospital has been closed for quite some time now. My parents used to use that place as a threat–behave or we’re gonna drop you off there! (we lived in a nearby town).
Elgin State CLOSED?!? NOOOOOOO!!!! ;)
Actually, there was a really cool military surplus store just south of there – used to go by the place all the time. Prior to that, we went past on Lake Street (US20) to get to Lee Wards’ crafting outlet. (Sigh.) So many good memories wrapped up in a screwball school, a dipstick depot, a …..
What? I’m not being politically correct? Dude, I PROGRAM PCs I don’t TALK PC! :D
This post was so good I would have to say it is fucktacular!! My gut hurts from laughing so much and I have tears rolling down my face!
Did you hear Barbra Walters has named Honey Boo Boo as one of her “Most Interesting” of 2012?? WTF??
Thanks! But, I have to say that these reality shows are keeping a lot of my friends in Hollywood employed so they’re good for that.
I am so glad I made your gut hurt in a good way. Made my fucking fuck suck ass day.
I kinda dig honey Boo Squared–she seems like a cute little cracker moppet.
I totally watch reality TV, and LOVE IT!!! I don’t currently have cable or satellite, and don’t really miss it except for a few shows. The reason I love that shit? Because it makes my life look amazing!! hahaha
actually, that’s not far off–reality tee vee makes folks feel better about their lives. However, shows like the Kardashians et al depress me at times because why do pretty dumb people have all of the breaks? they are uneducated choads who got to where they are because of an asshole of a father and a sister who made a sex tape.
I wish one of my sisters had made a sex tape, then I wouldn’t be unemployed no’ mo.
Can you talk one of your sisters in to making a sex tape? I don’t have any sisters, or I would try! I just have a brother with a back hair problem! lol
ooh..there’s a thought. Hmm…
Just for the record, I feel the same way about the Kardashians & I feel badly for Bruce Jenner!
I don’t. He looks younger than I do. Better living through chemistry sometimes is an epic fail.
I think he should have opted for aging gracefully, but maybe him and that bitch he’s married to were having a plastic surgery contest or something. lol
Oh and Baba Wawa is losing it. Slowly.
I don’t get it. You hate this stuff, but you go ahead and watch it. I think you’re addicted and you’re constantly in need of the fix of the gnarly. The closest I come to tuning into any of this drek is when I read blogger-buds like you that write about it. I attended a meeting with a vendor today who brought up Honey Boo Boo. My boss, refinement incarnate, was baffled. She turned to me and asked sotto voce, “What’s this ‘Honey Boo Boo’ show he’s talking about?” I said, “If you tuned in, it would be renamed, ‘In Ten Seconds an Aneurysm’. You’re pure. Stay that way.”
Hey, I’m unemployed, I love it, it’s my thing, let it go.
I’m sure these shows have yet to peak in popularity.
Also, in my defense, I’ve only watched about 2-3 episodes of each show, and I don’t plan on watching the new MTV thing at all. I’m just here as your sub-culture oracle.
“Sub-culture oracle” — there’s got to be a book in that or at least the ultimate end of year blog post.
i was thinking the same thing.
And while we’re on the subject of oracles, when are you re-upping Lame Adventures?
There will be something new posted before the year ends, but it will not be fully back to speed until the Manhattan Project is completed.
Your description of that guy’s beard on Duck Dynasty made me almost hurl.
We do need a new plague. One that afflicts only crackers and morons.