30 Things I’m Dumping in 2013

Here’s a long-ass list of stuff I’m dumping from my life in 2013:

1) Unemployment

2) Ambien

3) Trying to please people who don’t give a shit about me.

4) Not taking care of myself emotionally.

5) Not taking care of myself physically.

6) Chicago

7) This overwhelming sense that I’m a complete failure.

8) Forgetting friends’ important life events.

9) Swearing

10) Unsightly pit stains.

11) Body hair that’s long enough to braid

12) The body in the trunk of my car.

13) Bread–the food, not the band.

14) People named Poindexter, Mitt, Karl Rove, and Cheney.

15) The gangsta lifestyle. I don’t have the ass for it.

16) Gene Hackman’s knickers

17) Cheap liquor

18) Cheap hookers

19) Leo Sayer –he’s been hogging my couch for too damn long.

20) Expectations of any sort.

21) Sarcasm

22) My bad attitude toward stupid people who are more successful than I am.

23) My bad attitude toward asshole people who are more successful than I am.

24) Clutter

25) Self doubt.

26) Fear of success

27) Stuff

28) That chaise on the sun porch. It’s a chaise of pain.

29) That weird item in my glove box. It’s starting to creep me out.

30) Threeve.



17 thoughts on “30 Things I’m Dumping in 2013

  1. Wait, wait, wait – you’re LEAVING Chicago? C’mon, you’re my lifeline back to my hometown! You cant leave! It’ll be like ME leaving there again. The city can’t take TWO such crises! 😯
    Glad to see unemployment is #1. Let me tell you, from the back end of a decade not working, unemployment SUCKS!

      • Oh, how I would LOVE to say “a big pain in the ass”! Though technically, a big pain in the head. I suffer from what are euphemistically called “cluster headaches”. The most recent (and worst) hit in 1999, and thanks to an idiot Neurologist, they “locked in”, keeping me out of work through most of 2001, getting me canned in 2002 (and thus losing my house) and directly leading to our moving down here to Ohio. We moved in with friends, and when they split for Alaska in 2004, we moved, first to a rental trailer, then to the house here in Fresno. In the interim, I lost my mother and a dog I loved like a son. A truly “suck”tacular decade, to say the least!

  2. It’s comforting to know that you have a handle on your priorities with that nasty bugger, unemployment, at #1, and threeve, the number that is high on my own personal humor index, coming in at #30. As for #12, the body in the trunk of your car, I hope that you’re at least parking your jalopy outside. If not, I urge you to unload that carcass before summer. And yes, do gift Weebles with Gene’s knickers. She’s special and deserves a good sniff. Finally, I would like to remind you that you are not a complete failure in the least. You’re just a partial failure like most everyone else. I do wish you a happy — and prosperous — New Year buddy.

  3. I love you more than I can say Jules, & so does Leo Sayer dammit!! I shall never give up cursing or sarcasm, because it would render me speechless. Also, I do low carb & it kicks ass & I feel so much better. Shit…now I won’t be able to get that song out of my head!!

    • Thanks! Low carb is the way to go even if it makes me McCrabbiest ass ever.
      Leo is currently mixing up some cocktails in the kitchen with Melissa Manchester and Cliff Richard. What would you like to drink?

      • I would love to have a Colorado Bulldog, but Kahlua is loaded with carbs. Bummer. . . .I think I shall have to put on Bette Midler sings Rosemary Clooney, because nothing cheers me up quite like “Come On-A My House”.

  4. I’m glad you crossed out swearing and sarcasm. You can’t live without those. But how can you possibly give up bread? You’re braver than I am. I can’t believe you’d give up threeve—that’s my favorite number. And if you’re giving up Gene Hackman’s knickers, can I have them?

  5. very very good list. Dumping Chicago? For where? Bread is way too good to give up. 15– buy the Brazilian Butt Lift video and you can keep your gangsta life style as well as take care of number 5 🙂
    I need to make a list and keep it..sigh

  6. What the hell is a “threeve”?
    And wouldn’t keeping the body as an example for those who piss you off be a good idea?

    Either way, I hope you manage everything on the list, and have a spectacular 2013!

  7. brilliant list. except the sense of failure thing. you are so not a failure. the system is failing you. the world would be a much duller place if there were no mccrabass. and there would be less porn, apparently.

    i’m definitely gonna support you on the pits and body hair thing.

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