McCrabass+Porn=Faith Restored

Now, you all know that I once worked in the movie biz, correct? I ain’t shittin’ you on this tasty tidbit, monkehs. It’s all that time spent in dark, dank editing rooms with mostly self-important gasbags who wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for the casting couch or nepotism, that have helped make me into the McCrabass that I am today, and for that, you should be fucking thankful.

I was involved in the great celluloid caper for a long, long time. Most of my tenure in Hollywood was fun, but sadly, the more craptacular moments tend to be in the forefront of my memory these days. Don’t know why that is, but I’m thinking it has to do with the ancient hospital bill I found the other day –I sliced the tip of my finger off with a butt splicer while working on a film directed by Adam Rifkin.

Or maybe it was the ripping good yarn I told a friend recently about getting chewed out by a very angry lesbo broad editor from Philadelphia, who hated allll straight women–especially ones who were smarter and more LIKABLE than she ever could be –even if she had the large rod removed from her anus.

(courtesy Ebay)

(courtesy Ebay)

I don’t know what caused me to only think of the few realllly shitty times I had working in editing. It happens from time to time in life, see.

However, earlier today, my good pal Alice, alerted me to the fact that the AVN Awards took place in Vegas the other night, so I had to check out the most clever titles from last year. Wouldn’t you know it? The titles alone have not only restored my faith in filmmaking, but in humanity as well.

Take a gander, won’t you? And if these titles don’t titillate you and warm the cockles of your heart, then you have bigger problems than I ever will.

Thanks to Gawker for this list.

Clever Title of the Year
Asphyxia Heels the World, BurningAngel/Vouyer
Brooklyn Egg Cream on the Roxxx, Seymore Butts/Pure Play
Chocolate Covered Crackers, Black Magic Pictures
Chocolate Yam Yams, Black Storm/Monarchy/Vantage
Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big?, Vouyer Media
Look Mom, My First Black Penis, Mike Hunt/Juicy
My Wife Caught Me Assfucking Her Mother, Devil’s Film
Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?, Electric/Hustler
Occupy My Ass, Bobbi Starr/Evil Angel
She Plays a Mean Rusty Trombone!, Lethal Hardcore/Pulse
Show Me Your Shithole, B. Pumper/Freaky Empire
Somebody Shave Me, Zero Tolerance Entertainment
The Spit and the Speculum, Mike Adriano/Evil Angel
Subtle Fragrance of Her Private Parts, Swank/Pure Play
We Vow to Bang Black Beotches, Kelly Madison/Juicy

And, the mostest cleverest title is …

Does This Dick Make My Ass Look Big?

Hmm..dunno if I agree. Personally, I’m torn between My Wife Caught Me Assfucking Her Mother (Who hasn’t had that happen? It’s totally relatable, that’s why it strikes a chord with me), and the more high-brow The Spit and the Speculum.

Talk among yourselves about which one you like the best while I figure out how in the entire fuck I’m gonna get a press pass for the AVN Awards next year.

7 thoughts on “McCrabass+Porn=Faith Restored

  1. See, this is why I visit this blog. Until today I had no idea all those porn films I’ve enjoyed for decades actually had titles. I never got past the graphics. Thanks, Juies.

  2. As an Edgar Allan Poe fan, I do like “The Spit and the Speculum,” but I also like “Look Mom, My First Black Penis” and “My Wife Caught Me Assfucking Her Mother.” I want to know who gets to make up the titles because I really want that job.

  3. See, I would have gone with Chocolate Yam Yams, because I think proper nutrition is criminally underrepresented in this country an-
    What’s that?
    Movies the what now?

    Oh…then definitely the shoes one…

  4. I dunno, I kinda liked the “rusty trombone” bit myself. Guess it’s my love of Big Band music or something. 😀
    So, were you in the (cue “20th Century Fox” music) film business or the “bow-chicka-wow-wow” film business? 😉

  5. I guess the titles may fit the genre, but when you tell too much in a title, you may lose an audience who now thinks they know the whole story. Something like My Mother In Law a Cold Fuck in Hell would be catchier, and make the audience want to know why he (or she) is fucking their mother and just exactly how — of course the “cold fuck in hell” would be self explanatory as related to any mother in law

  6. “My Wife Caught Me Assfucking Her Mother..”

    My fave! I wonder if after wifey caught them, she joined in on the fun? That would be soooo original…

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