The Scent of Love?

Let me put it this way–for Valentine’s Day, I’d rather have a case of the clap than a case of this here perfume.

(courtesy NY Daily News)

(courtesy NY Daily News)

Turns out, our friendly neighbors to the north, found it necessary to invent perfume that smells like pizza. No, no..they couldn’t do something fun and useful like conjure up Eau de Geddy or a Maggie Trudeau Blow-Up Doll, they had to be all stinkin’ weird and marry one of my most favorite products in the world–perfume–with shit-tastic Pizza Hut pizza.

Kurt Kane, CMO of Pizza Hut, said: “Eau de Pizza Hut is one of the most sought-after and rarest of scents available.”

Sure it is–and not to mention–the most heinous.

Wankers.

However, the Canucks are not alone in creating crappy perfume (I’m looking at you, deader-than-dead Elizabeth Taylor and your Eau de Trailerpark-White Diamonds). The French–the arbiters of great taste, cheese, making B.O & hairy armpits on ladies sexy and haute couture, have really created a real sandwich a la merde. One of my fave parfumeurs, L’Artisan Parfumeurs created a scent–Dzing!–that smells like the circus. Apparently, it’s a soupcon of carny sweat, crazy, elephant dung (top notes), and lion semen, cotton candy and rotting hay (bottom notes). Of course, I don’t know if these really are the actual scents in this potion, but I refuse to go within a block of a bottle of this stuff. I mean, YUCK. Picture 8I hope my ultimate fave, Jo Malone, doesn’t follow suit.

Pizza stank isn’t the only scent that has been bottled and sold to the sheeple. Breathe in this one, folks.

Eau de Black Angus Anus anyone?

Picture 9

I’ve never been a fan of Valentine’s Day, and my reasons are a-plenty, and I won’t go into them here. The only redeeming quality this day has is it shares the same month as my birthday, which means I usually get half-price Valentine’s candy for birthday presents. Yep, I’m really winning in that respect.

I think Valentine’s Day is the champion of making all people–singletons, marrieds and smug marrieds–feel like crap. People rarely get what they want on Valentine’s Day, and not everyone looks good in red.

But, I’ll probably celebrate it in that inimitable McCrabass style: By going to a nice restaurant, getting my drink on then flashing mah boobs at my fellow patrons. And, if they don’t like it well, tough titties.

8 thoughts on “The Scent of Love?

  1. I could tolerate a perfume from Bacino’s, definitely. THAT is pizza, not that ketchup-on-cardboard crap that Pizza the Hutt pumps out. (Though they are infinitely better than Domino’s.)
    If you DO go out drinking and get … frisky, can you have somebody take pictures? (“I bet you got a great pair” or “I need a good laugh” – whichever one you believe and accept as an excuse. 😉 )

  2. Some years ago when “60 Minutes” profiled Leona Helmsley, she crowed to Morley Safer that she was having a signature fragrance made for herself, but didn’t know what to call it. The next week, Safer noted that viewer suggestions included “Stinking Rich.”

  3. Good gods and goblins. I don’t even like too much vanilla in a perfume; I’d hate to be mistaken for a pudding! This is why I stick to delightfully dark scents from Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs…..nobody there wants to smell like pizza either!

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