Reality TV: A New Crop of Crap

Or How We’ve Become A Nation of Fame Whores.

Reality tee vee has been the “It Girl” of Hollywood for well over a decade. Americans can’t seem to get enough of them which is why the tee vee industry feels compelled to keep churning ’em out. The shows are cheap to produce and they give ordinary folks a shot at stardom (refer to Andy Warhol & his 15 minutes of fame claim). We’ve witnessed ordinary people top the douchebag chart after stints on a reality tee vee show, and as a result, we are slowly turning into a nation of entitled half-wits who believe they are due for a spin in the spotlight at whatever cost.

Mark Burnett and Andy Cohen need to be taken away and reprogrammed since they’re both partially to blame for the dumbing down of American society. Well, Mr. Cohen more than Mr. Burnett. All Mr. Burnett really did is introduce us to watching relatively thought-free, yet pretty people, run around nekkid in some of the more remote locations on Earth. So, he opened the flood gates a titch. And, to be fair, I watched maybe 3 episodes of “Survivor.” I just couldn’t get into it, and I found that watching my toenails grow to be much more interesting.

Now, Mr. Cohen, probably believes it would do society good by giving us the “Real Housewives” series. Again, I watched more than my fair share of those shows, but when I realized that the women featured in the episodes were basically the lowest common denominator, I had to change the channel. In a weird way, Mr. Cohen should be commended for elevating mediocrity to an art form. <slow clap>

Of course, there is a plethora of crappy tee vee–not just the reality sort–scattered about, and no one is forcing me to watch it. But watching such low-brow tee vee is better than me cutting myself to take away from the pain from witnessing those with room temp IQs profit nicely while the public watches.

Since my three readers are curious as to which shows have my Costco knickers in a wad, well, here they are.

This idea just hurts. Seriously–what woman, in her right mind would want to plunked down in the middle of the wilderness, all nekkid with NO feminine hygiene? Yes, that’s the first thing I thought of when I heard one of the participants was a woman–how is she gonna deal with getting her little red friend when she’s fighting off bahrs and other wild life? Don’t get me started on the whole not bathing deal and having to forage for food in order to FUCKING STAY ALIVE part of the show. There must be an easier way to achieve your 15 minutes–how about blowing a d-list celeb in a Gremlin and having a friend record & post it on the Internets? Or, cause a ruckus (preferably with breastesses flinging about) whilst being arrested for stealing a chicken leg and get a friend to once again, record  and post it online? These folks surely coulda come up with something better. “Naked and Afraid” is just a few clicks away from entertainment–it’s almost sadistic–it’s misery wrapped up in pit viper bites, chafed testicles, malaria and uncontrollable diarrhea.

It premieres on June 23rd on the Discovery Channel.

Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 5.57.13 PM

Full disclosure here–I’ve watched all three episodes of this next show. Honestly I couldn’t help myself because not only is it scraping the bottom of the reality tee vee barrel, but I gotta see if one of these broads actually hooks up with some dude. I’m talking about “Pregnant & Dating” which airs on WETV on Fridays. Oh, and this show is a huge self-esteem booster for someone like me. Why, you ask? Hey, I may not have a job or a ton of money, but at least I’m not single, pregnant and so fucking desperate for some dick that I’m hauling my pregnant ass out on dates OR hitting up a matchmaker for help instead of concentrating on having a healthy baby. That’s exactly what these women are doing.

Don’t believe me? Take a gander, won’t you please?

These women are the apex of awful. So are their friends. Call me crazy, but shouldn’t your first concern be when you discover you’re in a family way, be to make sure you spew a healthy spawn from your haunches in nine months time? Oh wait! How dare I forget! Kids are accessories these days and it’s more important for most pregnant women to look good (“don’t gain too much weight now!”) than to make sure their time on the nest is as worry-free and safe as possible.

Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 6.25.54 PM

What gets me is the women get upset and pissy when the dudes they’re out with act all aloof and shocked upon learning that their date is with child. It’s also apparent that if the cameras weren’t rolling, these men would leave skid marks as soon as their date uttered the words “I’m pregnant.” No offense to the men, but who would want to date a woman who’s carrying a child that isn’t even theirs? Yes, yes, I’m sure there are men out there who would step up to the plate, but the men featured on “Pregnant & Dating” so far have the depth and character of a shoelace. In short, I don’t see it happening. But, it’s early in the season, maybe they’ll each find someone who won’t mind recording the episiotomy for posterity, and will help make shampoo and other yum yums out of the placenta.

WETV has turned out to be Darwin’s Waiting Room when it comes to reality shows. The people featured on their shows aren’t the best or the brightest. Case in point: “Bridezillas” is now entering its tenth and final season. Thank dog. For those of you not in the know or aren’t into watching people who have as much class as a fart in church, this show is about bridezillas, or horrible women who are about to get married. These women are so awful, they’ve even left me speechless at times with their unty-cay behavior. If you know anything about me, it takes a mighty display of largess to render me speechless.

A taste. (Warning: you’re gonna need a sedative–or 12–after watching. Fuck it, take ’em before watching the pre-matrimonial mayhem)

At first, naive me thought, “Naaah … no way. People don’t act this way. Nuh uh! Noooo waaay! What would their mothers say if they witnessed such abhorrent behavior?” But after ruminating about it for a bit, it became obvious to me that why yes, people DO act like assholes no matter who’s around. It’s the way we were wired, and it can be quite profitable if there’s someone filming it.

However, “Bridezillas” is not the main focus here. “Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas” is. Surprise, surprise, some of the bridezillas have found themselves smack-dab in the middle of shitty marriages, and since they’re trying to stretch their 15 minutes out for as long as possible, they’ve decided that fixing their poisoned unions is best done in front of millions of people.

Jesus be a fence. That’s all I can say about the whole, sordid subject.

Yes, it does get worse. But this time, with a real bad wig on an adult thumbsucker.


16 thoughts on “Reality TV: A New Crop of Crap

  1. I’m guilty to a degree for helping some of these reality shows stay on the air, but you have indeed scraped the bottom of the barrel with this list. Hate Bridezillas, refuse to watch the pregnant/dating show, never heard of the naked jungle lady show, and there are so many others I could go on and on. Nothing shocks me any more. I don’t even know what my point is other than to agree and take some blame. But even I draw the line at most of these. Reality TV has reinforced what we learned from the internet. There are some crazy people out there.

  2. Reality TV tends to make me want to stab myself in the eye, but the producers and creators must be doing something right. I often wonder, do they sit around and say “ok what is the stupiest, most inane concept we can come up with? Anyone? Lets see how low we can get before people actually decide to change the channel.”

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  4. Have you considered that your criticism might be misplaced, and that you are confusing cause with effect?

    Nobody is being forced to watch this crap. People are clamoring to watch this crap. I haven’t seen more than a few seconds of any of it, having, from time to time, accidentally flipped from some very lofty and intellectual PBS documentary to ‘America’s Biggest Loser.’ while reaching for another hit of my dry gin martini.

    Isn’t TV, as it always has, pandering to the tastes of the American public? I mean, didn’t Americans re-elect Richard Nixon in 1972, George W Bush in 2004, and Scotty McCreery in Season 10? Where do you think you’re living?

    If people did not watch this crap, it would not be aired. I have been voting with my remote, but I’m outnumbered by the great unwashed multitudes.

    • Well, I watch these fab shows so you don’t have to, dearest. I’m taking one for the team. I figure that one day I will be repaid handsomely for my sacrifice.

  5. Cue “vast wasteland” remark. True then, true now. I watch no teevee the way many people follow no sports, and we;re all happier for it. But thank the gods for piping hot porn served fresh daily.

  6. Julia, I just don’t get it. Why anyone would want to waste time watching unbelievable narcissists, dysfunctional, hate filled people on TV is beyond me. Whether it is Duck Dynasty, Gene Simmons: Family Jewels, The Kardashian tarts, or whatever. Honestly I try my best to get away from these types, why would I ever invite them into my home. I guess maybe if they had a reality show about some great genius, artist, writer then I might be fascinated enough to watch as these people come up with brilliant ideas, but I guess that makes me a bit of a freak.

  7. Technically, the whole reality show carbuncle started with a PBS documentary from 1971 called An American Family. The slow-mo destruction of a middle class family left us all gasping for more. And more we got.

    I am shocked to hear that Bridezillas has been around for 10 years. I managed to avoid every single episode. Don’t applaude. it wasn’t that hard.

  8. I don’t envy your watching all those clips for us.
    If it makes you feel better, I ain’t watchin any of em.

    I’ll stick with Doctor Who or NCIS reruns when I need to watch tv.

  9. Reality tv…oh, you don’t mean C-span, right? Cause some striking and distressing similarities occur to me. Could we throw all of Congress into the Naked show you mentioned, and turn OFF the cameras?

  10. I have watched Bridezillas, and at the end always wonder why those guys would marry those horrible bitches?? I figure they get what they deserve if they go through with it. Pregnant and Dating?? Just so freakin’ sick. . . this has left me speechless. I am sure I will have to tell others about the fact it exists, so thanks for letting me know since I don’t have cable! lol

  11. I watched about six straight hours of Bridezillas after a week-long stint of wedding planning with my family. It was the perfect of idiotic for my fried brain, which makes me wonder at the people who watch it on a regular basis…

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