The Jiven’ Five: 10/9/13

Sorry I’ve been so quiet for the past week or so, but I’ve been busy…wait for it…WORKING. Yep, McCrabby managed to land herself a part-time–possibly temporary– gig. I can’t go into details just yet, BUT it does allow me share my gifts of writing, yapping and telling stories. Of course, the bottom could fall out and I’ll be back to keeping the couch down and yelling at kids to stay out of my liquor cabinet.

1) Ok, if I ever spied a man wearing such a tie, I’d have him arrested. This just screams douchebag.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

Apparently, this new fangled neck wear is all the rage among …well… I don’t know who or what for that matter. Hmm..maybe I need another image. You know, one that shows the Shortti in action.

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

On second thought, I’m gonna have to slap on a big NO on this one.

Next!

2) Umm…..

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

I just got off the phone with my lawyer about going into the masturbation facility business. I’m gonna make a wad of cash building places where folks can quietly go blow their wads. And y’all thought I didn’t have any bidness sense. Haters.

Turns out our military industrial complex ain’t too keen on Marines choking the chicken and she-boppin’ all over Afghanistan. In fact, they’re so turned off by it that the powers-that-be concocted the above warning and posted it inside all of the porta-potties on the bases. Some on the inside think it’s a joke with one medic saying that you can’t get anything via semen (well one can get pregnant) unless an open wound happens to be in attendance. Eww. I couldn’t care less if Marines are playing with themselves..seriously. They’re in a shitty part of the world, fighting an even shittier war so why NOT let them diddle their puds every once in a while? Sheesh. It’s the least we can do.

3) I am very curious about this.

Screen shot 2013-10-09 at 9.31.24 AM

 

I’m morbidly curious. There, does that explanation sit better with you?

4) Oh goody. He’s single again.

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

Too bad he didn’t have the cajones to JUST age gracefully. He looks like one of my Il Bisonte handbags.

5) You really wanna know why I’m easing into veganism? Here’s one of the many reasons. H/t to Mother Jones.

40 Percent of Your Chicken Nugget Is Meat. The Rest Is…

bones, nerves, skin, feet, eyes, hair, claws, intestines, arteries, Republicans, herpes scabs, pus, scar tissue, Rick Santorum, afterbirth, varicose dick veins, egg shells, Brook Astor’s crotch, Pig Newtons, shedded snake skin, haggis, panty scrape, meconium, Putin’s asscrack sweat, Laplander jiz, Rice-A-Roni, John Boehner’s gin-soaked salty nutsack and pubic lice.

Ok, I went a titch overboard there, but you get the general idea. That shit’s bad for you.

 

 

6 thoughts on “The Jiven’ Five: 10/9/13

  1. I think if there’s a tie custom made for the asshat in one’s life, the Shortti is it.

    Thank you for revealing ALL the ingredients in the Chicken Nugget. I am Gold Star in this one area of life. Yes, I have never once eaten a chicken nugget. I think that rates one hand clapping, Jules.

  2. Okay, I’m gonna show how out-of-touch I am, but who (or what) the heck is in the photo on item 4?
    And as for the Marines, well, see, that’s what you get when you shift from a mounted unit to a mechanised unit. (Hey, you never heard stories about Teddy Roosevelt rubbing one out, and in all the photos, his horse sure looks happy! 😯 )

    • I can understand your confusion. It’s is a colour photographie of Andris Bērziņš the Prime Minister of my dear country, Latvia.

      • Thank you very much for the answer, and for being kind. A double shame on me – I try to keep up with world news and events, and have an acquaintance living (for now) in nearby Lithuania. Time for me to go freshen up my knowledge! 🙂

  3. Those “ties”…made for slobs without the elan to keep them out of their soup bowls. And as for telling Marines not to jerk off in the john…well, damn, Sam (as in Uncle), can’t touch the women at all and homophobia is still rife…must do SOMEthing!

    I am easing towards vegetarianism, (again) myself….for slightly less sensible reasons and likely with less success since I am allergic to half the vegetative world.

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