Five Things-Seen Some Strange Shit Edition: 4/24/14

I have seen some strange shit during my time here on Earth. Yes, I’m well aware that others have seen/witnessed/experienced some either stranger shit too, but I’m not talking about them.

Now, when I was a teen, I did stupid shit too…cow tipping, stealing road signs, drinking bad beer and hanging out in Jack Conner’s basement whilst listening to “Dark Side of the Moon,” and sneaking into Chicago at the tender age of 14 to see the Clash when I was *really* at a sleep-over at a friend’s house. Ahem.

Some of our actions were dumb (many aren’t named here to protect the innocent/me), but we never did this crap.

Talk about some ill shit…

1) Could be time to ban Burt’s Bees.

Teens get new BUZZ from beeswax lip balm

(via WKRC/Gawker)

“WKRC in Cincinnati reports that kids like the tingling sensation they get from using beeswax lipbalm not as prescribed, because it enhances the experience of being drunk or high.

“It’s the peppermint oil that’s causing the burning sensation and I suppose some people think that is kind of funny,” Dr. Brett Cauthen of Oklahoma City’s Today Clinic speculated to WKRC. 

Beezin’ isn’t all burning sensations and giggles, though. Cauthen warns it could lead to inflammation in the eye, redness of the eye, or swelling.

But is this mildly irritating trend for real? The evidence to consider includes an Urban Dictionary entry posted in 2010 (tracing it back to Colby College), a 2013 music video by a New Jersey “comedian musician” who writes “parodies,” and a few YouTube videos of kids trying beezin’ for themselves.”

It’s probably a hoax, but let’s ban the shit out of Burt’s Bees anyway. Why? Just cuz.

2) I’ve semi-enjoyed illegal substances from time to time, and I’ve witnessed plenty of folks doing all sorts of illegal ill shit, but this..well..it takes the fucking cake.

 

Vermont library locking public restrooms because needles are clogging the drains

Burlington’s Fletcher Free Library has also had issues with other kinds of drug paraphernalia.
(via UPI)
(via UPI)

(via UPI)

A Vermont library is locking the doors on its public restrooms — and it’s not because people are bringing in books to read on the toilet.

Burlington’s Fletcher Free Library is putting its restrooms on lockdown after having problems with hypodermic needles and other drug paraphernalia clogging the drains.

Once locksmiths complete the transition, patrons will have to trade their library card or ID for a bathroom key.

“We’re hoping to have this done by the end of the week, as soon as the locksmith can do the work,” head librarian Rubi Simon told the Burlington Free Press.

Despite the nature of the items that have been causing the clogging, Simon said there was no evidence that drugs were being used in the bathrooms or anywhere else in the library.

“Fortunately, we caught it early enough so there was no damage to the bathrooms,” Simon said.

After reading about needles in drains, I prefer this scenario instead.

 

3) This dingus lost all credibility after claiming he’s a ‘sovereign citizen’ and ‘doesn’t recognize the U.S. government’ after he was pictured waving an American flag. Oh, then there’s the whole ‘I’m not paying grazing fees because fuck you.’
You, Cliven Bundy, are an idiot AND a criminal for not paying your grazing fees. The gov’t ain’t being ‘tyrannical,’ you are. He’s going after everyone now…calling those who live in subsidized housing ‘freeloaders’ even though he and his cattle have been doing it for years.

You’re not a patriot, Mr. Bundy. You’re an asshole.

At first, conservatives were actually siding with this guy. Conservatives who represent us. They agreed with him, until it their minions figured out that agreeing with a domestic terrorist might hurt their chances at snagging the White House in 2016.

“Here’s a comment from Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), who has also been supportive of Bundy’s cause: “His remarks on race are offensive and I wholeheartedly disagree with him.”  (via WaPo)

Uh huh…riiiight, Mr. Paul. You know, if it walks like a duck ….

 

4) OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Mother gives birth to 14.5-pound baby at Massachusetts General Hospital

Carisa Ruscak was the biggest baby to be born at Massachusetts General Hospital in more than a decade.
I don’t know what else to say. 
5) Just because it’s gross, doesn’t mean it’s news. (via LA Times)

Ikea will soon serve vegetarian and chicken versions of its Swedish meatballs

Question: Do people actually go to IKEA for the food?? Really? Why? There are so many fine restaurants surrounding all IKEAs so why eat there? I’d like to hear from those who go to IKEA to eat. Please. I do wanna know, and I’ll try my hardest not to mock you.

 

 

Organ Grinder

Life is tough. It is. Just ask this baby.

Monkey tears off tot’s testicle and EATS it during terrifying zoo attack

From The Mirror/UK.

The distressing attack took place at the Guiyang Qianling Wildlife Park in Guìyáng, the capital of Guizhou province in Southwest China

Distressing, yeah, that’s putting it mildly. Even though I don’t have a nutsack, I feel this tot’s pain and that’s quite an achievement.

“An eight month old baby is recovering in hospital after a monkey tore off one of his testicles before running away and eating it.

The distressing attack took place at the Guiyang Qianling Wildlife Park in Guìyáng, the capital of Guizhou province in Southwest China, according to reports.

The mother was changing her son’s nappy when the animal attacked, ripping off the testicle before dropping it onto the ground.

An elderly man then reportedly picked up the severed appendage but the monkey snatched it from his hand before scampering away and eating it.

The boy’s injury is not life-threatening, Chinese media reports.”

It must really suck being a baby in China. First, the fact that you were even born is a miracle since China is all about zero population growth, and your parents had to beg and bribe in order to become parents. Chinese women have a shit-ton of abortions too, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are several actual Abortionplexes in China that operate 24/7.

I’m cringing yet again. The animal ripped the baby’s tender testicle off, slammed it on the ground and THEN ATE IT?

Good to know that monkeys buy into the 5-second rule. Or, maybe there’s a monkey version that we don’t know about that’s a titch longer and incorporates the use of old men’s hands. I don’t want to know about it either because that would mean I’d have to learn their ways, and I’m having a hard enough time learning the ways of humans. It ain’t pretty, but it has to be done or I’ll be sent to that special place. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

Oh fuck it, here’s a vidya about the story. Enjoy.

China Syndrome

First, some business. For those of you who missed it, I was on Chicago Public Radio’s “The Morning Shift” on August 16th discussing my article about Vivian Maier’s copyright. You can hear my dulcet tones if you so desire. 

Oh, and accept no substitutes for my story. In this case, I don’t consider plagiarism a form of flattery. It’s quite the opposite, really.

Onward.

And we’re off!

My fellow Americans, China is kicking our ass when it comes to odd news. It’s embarrassing, but not surprising since China is the largest country on Earth. Odds are with the Chinese that they’re gonna have weird shit happen in their homeland, not just on a daily basis, but hourly too.

A big hat tip to ChinaSMACK for these stories. And to the Chinese for being as weird and whacky as the rest of the humans here.

Nurse in Hunan Tapes Sign to Newborn’s Face: ‘Lump of Shit’

(photo courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(photo courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

First, I’d love to write the heds for this publication. I liken it to writing for the Chinese version of the New York Post or The Weekly World News.

When baby Hao Hao was born in June, his parents couldn’t be happier. He’s a male baby born in China after all! China IS the country that’s beaming with pride over its zero population growth, scorn for baby girls, one child policy, and sky-high abortion rate. So, when wee Hao Hao suddenly got sick, it was discovered that one of the nurses had an issue with the wee Asian bairn, and decided to inject him with something that caused him to hemorrhage. You know that’s bad, right? At some point after the injection, to the baby shitting hisself and getting sicker and sicker, the nurse taped the “Lump of shit” note on his noggin. According to the nurse, it was all a big, fat egg roll of a misunderstanding. Turns out, Chinese nurses dig on taping obnoxious notes on one another — you know– to pass the time before they’re forced to return to their gulag-esque living quarters. The baby got in the way and the rest is history. Gotta get your laughs somewhere I guess. Who knew that was even possible in China.

Civil Servant at Work Leaves Phone Off the Hook, Eats Pear

Well, a gal’s gotta eat sometimes.

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

‘Being 30 and Unmarried Should be Illegal and Punished!’

There are over a billion people in China, and they couldn’t find anything else to report on?

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

Not being married by a certain age is one of the few lifestyle choices that is not illegal in China. According to legal experts, what this old man was yammering about is a ‘moral issue.’

That settles it then.

Edward Snowden should be thrilled he’s not Chinese.

Oops.

And…

Schoolboys Use Their Shadows to Shade Girls From Hot Sun

My fave sub head in this story: Boys praised as usually being naughty, but having a sense of responsibility at the key moment

It’s hot in China is August, so the normally naughty boys at this particular school, rose to the occasion and shaded their sweltering sisters from the blinding sun. 

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

Finally …

Government Cracks Down on Organized Online Rumormongering

Good luck getting through this graf. It’s one helluva sentence.

“Recently, Beijing police, in cooperation with the Ministry of Public Security and in accordance with reports by the masses, began prosecution according to the law to bring down an internet marketing company that deliberately manufactures and disseminates rumors maliciously infringing upon other people’s reputations in order to illegally reap economic benefit — Beijing Erma Interactive Marketing Planning Limited Company (hereinafter referred to as Erma Ltd), and has arrested Qin Zhihui (online name “秦火火” [literally “Qin Hot Hot”, suggesting the ability to make things popular], male, 30 years old, born in Hunan Province Hengnan County Xianghua Village, high school education, and former Erma Ltd employee), Yang Xiuyu (online name “立二拆四” [literally “erect two demolish four”], male, 40 years old, born in Jilin Province Baishan City Qidaojiang Town, and founder of Erma Ltd), and another 4 members of the company.”

I wanna know what exactly “Erect Two Demolish Four” is erecting then demolishing. Hmm.

 

 

Reality TV: A New Crop of Crap

Or How We’ve Become A Nation of Fame Whores.

Reality tee vee has been the “It Girl” of Hollywood for well over a decade. Americans can’t seem to get enough of them which is why the tee vee industry feels compelled to keep churning ’em out. The shows are cheap to produce and they give ordinary folks a shot at stardom (refer to Andy Warhol & his 15 minutes of fame claim). We’ve witnessed ordinary people top the douchebag chart after stints on a reality tee vee show, and as a result, we are slowly turning into a nation of entitled half-wits who believe they are due for a spin in the spotlight at whatever cost.

Mark Burnett and Andy Cohen need to be taken away and reprogrammed since they’re both partially to blame for the dumbing down of American society. Well, Mr. Cohen more than Mr. Burnett. All Mr. Burnett really did is introduce us to watching relatively thought-free, yet pretty people, run around nekkid in some of the more remote locations on Earth. So, he opened the flood gates a titch. And, to be fair, I watched maybe 3 episodes of “Survivor.” I just couldn’t get into it, and I found that watching my toenails grow to be much more interesting.

Now, Mr. Cohen, probably believes it would do society good by giving us the “Real Housewives” series. Again, I watched more than my fair share of those shows, but when I realized that the women featured in the episodes were basically the lowest common denominator, I had to change the channel. In a weird way, Mr. Cohen should be commended for elevating mediocrity to an art form. <slow clap>

Of course, there is a plethora of crappy tee vee–not just the reality sort–scattered about, and no one is forcing me to watch it. But watching such low-brow tee vee is better than me cutting myself to take away from the pain from witnessing those with room temp IQs profit nicely while the public watches.

Since my three readers are curious as to which shows have my Costco knickers in a wad, well, here they are.

This idea just hurts. Seriously–what woman, in her right mind would want to plunked down in the middle of the wilderness, all nekkid with NO feminine hygiene? Yes, that’s the first thing I thought of when I heard one of the participants was a woman–how is she gonna deal with getting her little red friend when she’s fighting off bahrs and other wild life? Don’t get me started on the whole not bathing deal and having to forage for food in order to FUCKING STAY ALIVE part of the show. There must be an easier way to achieve your 15 minutes–how about blowing a d-list celeb in a Gremlin and having a friend record & post it on the Internets? Or, cause a ruckus (preferably with breastesses flinging about) whilst being arrested for stealing a chicken leg and get a friend to once again, record  and post it online? These folks surely coulda come up with something better. “Naked and Afraid” is just a few clicks away from entertainment–it’s almost sadistic–it’s misery wrapped up in pit viper bites, chafed testicles, malaria and uncontrollable diarrhea.

It premieres on June 23rd on the Discovery Channel.

Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 5.57.13 PM

Full disclosure here–I’ve watched all three episodes of this next show. Honestly I couldn’t help myself because not only is it scraping the bottom of the reality tee vee barrel, but I gotta see if one of these broads actually hooks up with some dude. I’m talking about “Pregnant & Dating” which airs on WETV on Fridays. Oh, and this show is a huge self-esteem booster for someone like me. Why, you ask? Hey, I may not have a job or a ton of money, but at least I’m not single, pregnant and so fucking desperate for some dick that I’m hauling my pregnant ass out on dates OR hitting up a matchmaker for help instead of concentrating on having a healthy baby. That’s exactly what these women are doing.

Don’t believe me? Take a gander, won’t you please?

These women are the apex of awful. So are their friends. Call me crazy, but shouldn’t your first concern be when you discover you’re in a family way, be to make sure you spew a healthy spawn from your haunches in nine months time? Oh wait! How dare I forget! Kids are accessories these days and it’s more important for most pregnant women to look good (“don’t gain too much weight now!”) than to make sure their time on the nest is as worry-free and safe as possible.

Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 6.25.54 PM

What gets me is the women get upset and pissy when the dudes they’re out with act all aloof and shocked upon learning that their date is with child. It’s also apparent that if the cameras weren’t rolling, these men would leave skid marks as soon as their date uttered the words “I’m pregnant.” No offense to the men, but who would want to date a woman who’s carrying a child that isn’t even theirs? Yes, yes, I’m sure there are men out there who would step up to the plate, but the men featured on “Pregnant & Dating” so far have the depth and character of a shoelace. In short, I don’t see it happening. But, it’s early in the season, maybe they’ll each find someone who won’t mind recording the episiotomy for posterity, and will help make shampoo and other yum yums out of the placenta.

WETV has turned out to be Darwin’s Waiting Room when it comes to reality shows. The people featured on their shows aren’t the best or the brightest. Case in point: “Bridezillas” is now entering its tenth and final season. Thank dog. For those of you not in the know or aren’t into watching people who have as much class as a fart in church, this show is about bridezillas, or horrible women who are about to get married. These women are so awful, they’ve even left me speechless at times with their unty-cay behavior. If you know anything about me, it takes a mighty display of largess to render me speechless.

A taste. (Warning: you’re gonna need a sedative–or 12–after watching. Fuck it, take ’em before watching the pre-matrimonial mayhem)

At first, naive me thought, “Naaah … no way. People don’t act this way. Nuh uh! Noooo waaay! What would their mothers say if they witnessed such abhorrent behavior?” But after ruminating about it for a bit, it became obvious to me that why yes, people DO act like assholes no matter who’s around. It’s the way we were wired, and it can be quite profitable if there’s someone filming it.

However, “Bridezillas” is not the main focus here. “Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas” is. Surprise, surprise, some of the bridezillas have found themselves smack-dab in the middle of shitty marriages, and since they’re trying to stretch their 15 minutes out for as long as possible, they’ve decided that fixing their poisoned unions is best done in front of millions of people.

Jesus be a fence. That’s all I can say about the whole, sordid subject.

Yes, it does get worse. But this time, with a real bad wig on an adult thumbsucker.

 

February Can Blow Me

Well, February did blow but not in the way we all know and love.

I got nothing out of it except that I got to celebrate the 18th anniversary of my 29th birthday with some friends/family (got an iPad out of it–SCORE), learned that I’m a reporter/writer/editor and NOT a research editor. and was provided with even more evidence that I need to live in warmer climes and take bets on hermit crab races.

While I was reeling after the latest shit sandwich of a temp job that ended up with me ‘not being a good fit’ (whatever the fuck that means), a few awesome stories almost got past my radar.

The first is my fave. I don’t know how else to describe this particular yarn except, well, to wonder why I am not a drug addict after reading such a tale.

From Oddity Central.

Indian Sculptor Makes Creepy Bust of Favorite Politician from His Own Blood

My head hurts now.

(courtesy of FooYah.com)

(courtesy of FooYah.com)

Apparently, some loyal constituent in the world’s largest democracy, decided it would be neato to pay homage to his fab fave politico by sculpting a bust of said pol. Nice and not that unheard of in this day and age. However, busts of this sort are normally sculpted out fo marble, or stone or clay. Maybe even shit if certain materials are not abundant.

But, this particular bust was made out of … wait for it … BLOOD. (Thank god my gag reflex has calmed considerably after my years of being bulimic because my computer would be covered in puke right now)

Read on…

“An Indian man known only as Hussaini has recently unveiled a shocking work of art – a bust of J. Jayalalitha, Chief Minister of the Tamil Nadu state, made from 11 litres of frozen human blood, donated by him and 32 of his students.

Apparently, nothing shows admiration for a person like making a creepy sculpture of them from human blood. At least that’s what Hussaini, a sculptor and archery teacher from Chennai, must have thought when he got the idea to create a bust of Chief Minister J. Jayalalitha out of his own frozen blood, for her 65th birthday. The noted artist wanted to thank the politician for being the “most sports loving CM of India” and for her support to his archery association, and since he had a few liters of his own blood stored for special occasions, he decided to put it to good use. You see, Hussaini has had his blood drawn at three-month intervals, over the last eight years, waiting for an opportunity to use it as a medium for his sculpture. But he only had 6.5 liters of blood, and this special project required 11. Luckily, his 32 archery students were more than willing to donate the extra 4.5 liters needed to complete the project.”

Oh no, not just Hussaini’s blood is in this masterpiece, but the blood of his archery students too. There are so many jokes there that my mind can’t handle the overflow, and my stomach is starting to churn, so the need to down Maalox by the gallon starts NOW.

I know you’re all probably wondering how the entire fuck he did this, so grab a pen and paper and write it down. Or, to really get in the mood, you may want to write in your own blood.

“To create his blood sculpture, the artist first created a made one from clay. He then prepared a silicone mold, encased it in a hard outer shell and filled it with the 11 liters of blood. The mold was finally frozen at -27 degrees Celsius, for two months. On the day of the unveiling, Hussaini revealed the other big idea behind his plasma artwork – blood donation. “If I can organize 11 liters of blood, then every other citizen can follow suit and save many lives,” he said.”

I hope Hussaini realizes that donating blood to make art is not the same as donating blood to, you know, save lives.

(Courtesy of New India Express)

(Courtesy of New India Express)

I hope the recipient has proper storage for this since India is not exactly known for its mild climate and low humidities. Ahem. Craaaap–can’t get that image out of my noggin. Fuuuuck.

On a somewhat happy note, the Chief Minister was none too pleased with this tribute and advised Hussaini to never do this again.

I hope he heeds her advice.

The parade of weird continues in the south Pacific.

Indonesian mother kills son over ‘small penis’

From Raw Story.

Apparently, whilst mum was prepping her darling son for his circumcision, she said “Fuck it, I’ll just kill him because his peen is so wee, he’s in for a lifetime of hell because of it.”

And she did.

Nothing else can be said about it by your’s truly here.

According to one of my fave websites, The Sartorialist, these are the penny loafers to own. Of course, they can’t be bought stateside, so you have to wing on over to Milan to purchase them.

(Courtesty of The Sartorialist)

(Courtesty of The Sartorialist)

Not your style, eh? Well shit howdy, at least they ain’t made out of blood–that’s enough to get me to buy ’em and I don’t even wear penny loafers.

America, This Is What Stupid Sounds Like

I love America. I was born and raised here. My mom’s side of the family arrived around the same time as the pilgrims. (My dad’s side will be discussed in a later post.) However, I have a feeling that my ancestors weren’t has homely looking, or as poorly dressed as John Smith and his pasty ilk were. Also, I’m quite certain that my female ancestors weren’t afraid to show a little leg or cleavage whilst plowing the fields or milking the cows.

Hey, it’s how us McCrabass broads are wired–we like to show off our lovely, freckle-y skin.

America’s a great place, but it also sucks. Especially these days.

Over the past couple of years, America has become the Land of the Stupid. I could cite example after example of American stupidity, but I don’t want to depress everyone AND I’m sure that most of y’all know exactly which examples are bouncing around in my noggin. What’s truly vexing is that stupidity is applauded and encouraged by some of my fellow Americans–this action is egged-on by the mouth-breathers of our humble society.

However, these two stories that showed up in my news feed are worth mentioning because they are the apex of stupid.

The first example is from Buzzfeed:

Missouri Lawmaker Introduces Bill To Make It A Felony To Propose Gun Control Legislation

“I filed HB 633 as a matter of principle and as a statement in defense of the Second Amendment rights of all Missourians.”

“A Missouri state lawmaker wants to make it a crime to propose any gun control legislation. Mike Leara, a Republican who represents suburban St. Louis, introduced a bill making it a class D felony for any member of the Missouri legislator to introduced a bill to that effect.

“Any member of the general assembly who proposes a piece of legislation that further restricts the right of an individual to bear arms, as set forth under the second amendment of the Constitution of the United States, shall be guilty of a class D felony,” the bills reads.

But the state lawmaker doesn’t expect the bill to go anywhere, saying he submitted it as a matter of principle.

“I filed HB 633 as a matter of principle and as a statement in defense of the Second Amendment rights of all Missourians,” Leara said in a statement provided to BuzzFeed. “I have no illusions about the bill making it through the legislative process, but I want it to be clear that the Missouri House will stand in defense of the people’s Constitutional right to keep and bear arms.”

I don’t know about y’all, and I’ve talked about this before on here and elsewhere, but it’s exhausting living in a God-fearin’ country where guns have more rights than humans. It’s bullshit. But this latest act by Misery State Rep. Mike Leara, just shows how far we as a society have fallen on the Stupid Scale.

I know, I know, I’m asking a lot from the state that unleashed rape’s champion Todd Akin on the rest of the country.

I had just enough time to catch my breath from the above story, when this story showed up in my feed.

I.. I… just… cannot …

Mary Sue McClurkin, Alabama GOP Lawmaker, Claims A Baby Is The ‘Largest Organ In A Body’

From HuffPo.

I’m at a loss. This is a prime example of American intelligence being wiped out right before our eyes.

Read, please:

“Alabama state Rep. Mary Sue McClurkin (R) is pushing legislation that would impose restrictions on abortion clinics — a move that she argues is necessary because the procedure is a major surgery that removes the largest “organ” in a woman’s body.

“When a physician removes a child from a woman, that is the largest organ in a body,” McClurkin told the Montgomery Advertiser on Thursday. “That’s a big thing. That’s a big surgery. You don’t have any other organs in your body that are bigger than that.”

Even my friends who are anti-choice have got to agree with me that considering a baby to be an organ in a woman’s body is one of the stupidest ideas ever. So, this got me thinking–what about other organs? If you have your intestine removed, is that considered murder? Is Lasik eye surgery consider an assault? What’s really frightening is the person who introduced this bill has the same lady parts that I have and supposedly considers herself a woman. Biology considers her a woman too. Huh. Interesting. The big difference between the two of us is I took a bunch of biology/science classes in school and have parents who aren’t morons. Ms. McClurkin probably learned about S-E-X via her parents and Sunday school teachers who used euphemisms for the female and male body parts: flower or wee-wee instead of vajay, pee-pee for peen, etc. You get the idea. She probably learned that babies were put in mommy’s tumtum by God or by the Jesus. Or by some type of schooling not based in reality.

How Ms. McClurkin learned about the birds & the bees is just a smidgen of the what the real problem is–the dumbing down of America when it comes to, well, everything.

What’s even more depressing is, things are gonna get stupider all up in here.

Just To Clarify

I love this woman.
Now HERE is someone who deserves to be Freshly Pressed or Processed or Pooped or Pulled-Apart or whatever it’s called.

Pornos should be made in her honor.

King of States!

You want to curtail my right to control what happens inside my personal uterus because once upon a time ten years ago, you saw the grainy outline of a pulsating bean on a tiny television screen.

Got it. Thank you for the compelling scientific data.

I assume this bodes well for my personal policy recommendation that we abolish public libraries because when I was 19 years old, I almost hit a Basset Hound with my car on the way to a library. Okay, it wasn’t a library, it was a Waldenbooks, but they’re out of business now so libraries it is.

What? It’s like you WANT puppies to die. You disgust me.

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The wonderful, nameable egg

I’m up early for god only knows what reason, and watching one of my favorite shows, “Up With Chris Hayes.” One topic this week is culture wars–one of the many third rails of the Democratic agenda. Take a step closer to that rail, and the whole personhood rhetoric emanates from it.

Ugh. Personhood amendments. We have a bunch of extremist nutjob (I know, a bit redundant) Tea Baggin’ Republicans who don’t want big gummint in general, but when it comes to us wimminfolk, the Baggers believe that we need to be regulated up the ying-yang. A wave of ridiculous bills came riding in on transvaginal ultrasound wands into many state legislatures roughly two years ago, after the Tea Bagger Revolution in Congress. However, the good thing is, many of these bills were introduced, voted upon and failed. Some didn’t even make the ballot in states that allegedly have super-special relationships with the mostest specialist homeboy of them all, God. Now, to a non-religious person, those failures say that God has bigger things to worry about–like strife, sickness, hunger, poverty–than making sure women who are menstruating aren’t, um, doing whatever. Then, there is one particular state, where according to the law, all menstruating women are pregnant. Or something like that. This Arizona law is so Draconian that the main image I have in my head is a woman being dragged to an interrogation room at her local Phoenix CVS for attempting to purchase tampons–murder weapons.

Back to Chris Hayes (who needs to stop whining about being on a book tour & leaving the work of parenting to his wife–please–y’all have help. Shuttie.), personhood was brought up which got me thinking: Perhaps I need to start naming the maybe 20 eggs left in my cob-webbed womb. Hmm.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Vladimir, Simka, Aloysius, Schmenkman, Huxtable, Poon, Ping, Yarbotz, Dale Earnhardt, Louboutin, and Nam. That’s a good start.

What are your suggestions?

The Daily Oops pt. 2

The mouth-breathing contingent is thrilled to know that their fab fave guidette, Snooki, has spewed forth from her cheap-beer/gin/Guido spooge soaked lady bits a wee Guido for all of world to see–whether we want to or not.

Mom.

Little Lorenzo Dominic DeValle entered this world around 3 AM Sunday, and now we have one more reason to continue celebrating mediocrity in this fine country.

Yee haa.