2012 — Your Year in Choads

2012 will be noted in the record books as one of the choadiest years ever. Why oh why would you make such a proclamation, Julia? Not only did we have one of the oddest years in human behavior, but the election shenanigans put the ‘crap’ in craptastic choadiness.

2012 was ugly from day one and it just got uglier and uglier as the year progressed– especially in the political arena. Needless to say, the folks on the following list not only embarrassed us the world over, but they sure did a bang-up job of making the human race look like a big pile of chunk-filled dung. (Note: John Boehner, Rush Limbaugh, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell, Bill O’Reilly, Hannity, Newt and the NRA are already in the Choad Hall of Fame, so mentioning them here would be redundant.) The vetting process was brutal and I know I’m missing some choads, but I’m sure they’ll be on my 2013 list.

So, without further adieu and in no particular order, I present to you–my loyal three readers–Your Year in Choads.

The Donald.

(courtesy of examiner.com)

(courtesy of examiner.com)

The thrice-married Trump never ceases to amaze me. He inherited millions from his father, then felt the need to continue to dumb down society with his tee vee shows and tomes. He has even sullied my city with a multi-floor steel phallus with great views, and overpriced units. That was a Trump I could live with–out of my league financially and matrimonily–but I never bought into his bullshit so ignoring him wasn’t a chore at all. However, he had to go and ruin it for me and everyone else by opening his fat yap about how the President isn’t a citizen and how the country was robbed during the election (even though Obama won the popular vote) with a series of ill-timed and uber-choady Tweets–which he promptly deleted. Oh and early in the campaign, he was actually a candidate. But, never fear, Trump will be back in 2013, and will be a bigger choad than Donald Trump. Notice how I didn’t even mention his hair?

Sheldon Adelson.

If Citizens United had a dick, Sheldon Adelson should be giving it blowies all the live long day as a thank-you gift. Yeah, I know. I have that image in my mental Rolodex too and I have no idea how to get it out of there. A brain transplant may turn out to be the way to go, and I’d be happy with an Abby Normal-esque brain at this point. The good thing is, Adelson’s attempts to buy the election failed the way the uterus supposedly does when raped legitimately. Ahem. Imagine the good Adelson coulda done with that money had he done something useful, like for instance, help his beloved Israel build a better defense system.

And speaking of legitimate rape, there’s Todd Akin.

I’ll let the magical combo of video and the Internets speak for Mr. Akin (who lost in November–big time–by the way). Akin’s advisers, the “doctors” who told him about how the female body “works”, anyone who has ever hung out with or believed in Akin, well, y’all are choads too.

Nikki Haley

haley try me

Choads are not limited to men, my friends. Nooo…never. Not only did Gov. Haley NOT consider Stephen Colbert for Jim DeMint’s now-vacate Senate seat, she doesn’t want nuthin’ to do with Obamacare even though her state, South Carolina, is desperate for the help. Like Haley’s fellow GOP governors, she’d prefer to pout and eat worms in the garden because the smart, black guy won AGAIN, and now his monumental, life-saving legislation is truly the law of the land. Basically, she’d rather fuck over her constituents to make a point than help them. That horrid attitude makes her one of the Choads of the Year.

Richard Mourdock.

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

(courtesy HuffPo)

(courtesy HuffPo)

He’s rape’s champion and for that, he almost beat Rep. Joe Donnelly in the Indiana race for the Senate.

What’s even more amazing is some woman finds him fuckable.

Personhood Amendments/He-Man Woman Hater’s Club.

It’s safe to say the today’s GOP don’t like us ladyfolk very much. That hatred was evident in the candidates they nominated and the legislation/ballot initiatives that so many states tried to pass, or get on the ballots. Then, there was the kerfuffle over the transnatch ultrasound bill requiring all women in Virginia who wanted an abortion to have this lubed-up wand stuck up their hoo-hahs so they can see what’s dancing on their bladders. The best part? Women have to pay for this humiliation out of their own pockets because Lord knows the GOP doesn’t want to pay for it–hell, they’d rather protect guns than people, see. There are so many anti-woman stories that happened this year that writing about them would cause me to start biting my face again.

But, I’ll give you one more to chew on.   It’s the creme-de-la-creme of choady anti-woman fucked-in-the-head laws that some states in this great country–you know the one that is the most powerful & most advanced in the entire world–seem to love to pass. All of us ladies who still experience menses are pregnant whether we like it or not. That kinda sucks out loud.

Mike Huckabee

331123-mike-huckabee

Gosh, there is so much that can be spewed about the good Rev. Mike. He’s besties with Chuck Norris, his son likes to kill dogs, he’s has a love/hate relationship with weight loss, he blames gays for all of society’s ills, and a bunch of other assorted treats that are too many to mention.

But, this vidya demonstrates just how choad-a-rrific this man of god really is.

Jan Brewer

(courtesy ABC News)

(courtesy ABC News)

The weathered, ridden-hard-and-put-away-wet governor of Arizona is the greatest of all lady choads. She loathes people of color, has a pointy-anointy claw that she likes to point at the POTUS; loves guns; probably has nudie pix of Sheriff Joe Arpaio; allegedly shits Coppertone; kicks puppies; has a law that says all bleeding women are pregnant; is considering running for a third term; more than likely believes in Henrietta Pussycat but not climate change; and finally, contrary to popular belief, did NOT star in “There’s Something About Mary.”

theres-something-about-mary-20090615050344742-000

Eau de Choad

(courtesy of ChicagoTribune.com)

William Beavers (courtesy of ChicagoTribune.com)

My apologies for not posting the past few days, and I’m sure my three readers are quite apoplectic about my absence. I’ve been covering a couple of YUUUUUUUUGE high-profile court cases in Chicago–all of which have been postponed until Dec. 17th and Jan. 31st.

For those of you who pay attention to the blood sport that IS Illinois politics, did you notice any familiar faces on the Beavers team? No? Yes? Short memories I guess. Sam Adam and Son are once again defending yet another notorious pol since they did such a bang up job with this one.

On a side note, I’ve interviewed Commissioner Beavers several times and next to this guy, he gives the best soundbites ever.

Daley pissed

Now onto the serious stuff.

I thought the Nuge would be either dead or in jail by now. I hate it when famous people don’t keep their word. It really creases me. He needs to have some sense knocked into him–perhaps by that wang dang sweet poontang he claims to have had once upon a time.

Perhaps someone should inform his ugly ass that most welfare recipients are, um WHITE.

Nugent: Budget deal should suspend welfare recipients’ voting rights

from Raw Story.

“Conservative rocker Ted Nugent is urging the Republican Party to “stop the insanity” and insist that voting rights be suspended for welfare recipients as a part of a larger budget deal.

In his Monday Washington Times column, Nugent ranted that talk about raising taxes on the wealthiest Americans proved that Washington was a “financial insane asylum.”

“What we need is a wholesale, top-to-bottom assessment of the federal government, and then we need to slash and burn all Fedzilla departments, agencies and offices that are not constitutionally required or deemed vital,” he wrote. “This should be fundamental before any deals are cut regarding new taxes.”

I don’t know what is more disturbing–his room temperature IQ when it comes to, well, everything, the fact that people still pay attention to him OR that he has an actual newspaper column.

The 1970s called–it wants Nugent back. Shit, he should never, ever be allowed to leave that decade. Let him fuck teenage girls, live out his Vietnamese girl fetish and shoot defenseless animals in peace–just leave the real stuff to people who actually know what the fuck they’re talking about. If the GOP had any sense (I know, I know, I saw it), they’d stuff his maw with some sweet poontang then tape it there so he’s unable to do anything else EVER. But they won’t since today’s GOP is a big bunch of pussies.

Or, better yet, play him this.

NEEEEEEEXT!

Concession Speechless

Now that Mitt Romney is a footnote in presidential campaign history, more info is coming out about his last few hours of his campaign. For example, he didn’t have a concession speech prepared–and it showed. Turns out, he believed the swill that was coming out of the right wing noise machine, and didn’t feel it was necessary to compose TWO speeches. We’ve all seen his concession speech–I use it as an insomnia cure by playing it on a loop with “Lawrence of Arabia.” He probably composed that little ditty on a spare pair of magic knickers whilst the Secret Service was high-tailing it out of there, and whilst Ann was cancelling campaign workers’ credit cards. Luckily, we have a copy of his, ahem, “victory” speech for our viewing pleasure.

Now, my fave part of this whole shock and awe that has hit the Romney campaign is the fact that the President Romney transition website went live for a short while yesterday. Nice to know that he was really planning on fucking over people by getting rid of the ACA, or by cutting it so much that you probably would lose your house if you got castrophically ill and your regular insurance wouldn’t cover your treatment. Yeah, he’s a real fucking patriot, and it’s so presidential to actually want to fuck over half the country.

(courtesy techpresident.com)

He paid $25k for it too.

(courtesy politicalwire.com)

I have some friends who voted for Romney and I am sorry for their loss. I do and don’t get why they voted for him, just like I’m sure they feel the same way about me and my vote. While Obama ain’t perfect, he’s the one who will keep this country moving onward by not fucking over women, minorities, and the poor with archaic policies that will be headed up by folks like Allen West (“Secy of Defense”) and John Bolton (Secy of State). Of course, those are satirical choices, maybe these are closer to the truth. But, the idea of Scott Walker makes me realize that maybe these possibilities are Onion-esque too.

Only time will tell. You can find me at the bar if you need me.

 

 

Porn & Post-Election fun

Why am I not surprised that most of the gals who were all snatch first for Hef have names like Amber, Brandi(y), Tiffany, Brittany, Ashley, and MIRIAM?

Yes, MIRIAM.

While Miriam is a lovely name, it doesn’t exactly conjure up the image of sexy beaver, bodacious tatas and digging on walks in the rain whilst wearing lingerie from Dress Barn. Miriam to me screams bubbe–the type who steals packets of sugar from restaurants, who has a database filled with “Oh how I’ve suffered” stories locked away in her noggin, who also uses wadded up & used a billion times Kleenex doused in her own spit to clean your dirty face, AND who hands you her comb with the hopes that you’ll do away with the holes in her hair. I think I’ve seen my future ….

Post-election fun

While I’m glad my guy prevailed, I must admit it was so fun watching Turd Blossom implode on Fox News. Totally helped to make the victory that much more sweet. I wanna know when after the official announcement that the Kenyan Muslim Socialist Gay Marxist had won re-election that Rove flushed his Smartphone down ye olde toilet because he is so NOT down with getting his ass chewed out by pasty, white billionaires.

Then, there was Bill O’Reilly, who has more chins than a Chinese phonebook, saying how the demographics of this country have changed (no shit, Sherlock) and how people want “stuff.” If that ridiculous, choady, and out-of-touch statement wasn’t offensive enough, there was the “traditional America” quip which in double-speak means “rich, white men are slowly becoming the minority and because of how shitty we’ve been toward those who don’t share our skin color or maleness, we are now in trouuuuble.”

Enjoy.

My god–No wonder Romney LOST CALIFORNIA AND ITS 55 ELECTORAL VOTES. He had THIS GUY running his game in the Golden State.

I guess it is true–only the good die young.

Here’s my new, fab-fave, post-election Tumblr.

I hope she shuts the fuck up now.

Finally, my fave election vidya ever.

Why not Eau de Daley?

Earlier today, during a break in my coverage of the Anthony Abbate Jr. civil trial, I learned that Chicago now has its own perfume. As I sat in the cold courtroom and felt my ass flatten out on the hard, wooden bench, I pondered this idea of a perfume inspired by Chicago.

Imagine the smell.

If you’re like me, the first smell that popped into your mind was the lingering, gut-wrenching stench of the Chicago stockyards circa 1920. Ahh..yes. The aroma of rotting meat, with shit and sweat as a top note and blood and the sweat of child laborers as a bottom note. I imagine there would be several versions of this particular Chicago scent: The summer choice smells like meat spoiling in the sun with vulture shit as the winning top note, and for winter it’s hooves, tails, innerds and ears all mixed together with a top note of figgy pudding and coal.

 

The other obvious Chicago scent possibilities are some sort of parfum replicating what it’s like to catch a whiff of a whore house at low-tide, or a Corruption Cologne which is a combo platter of Blago’s hair gel, Rahm’s dance belt after two matinees of “Pippin” at Peoria’s finest dinner theater, and Gov. Dan Walker’s socks AND toe jam after walking the length of Illinois during the 1971 gubernatorial campaign.

Turns out this new perfume is festooned with flowers and whatnot. Yawn. I guess they realized they wouldn’t sell as many units had they gone with any of my grand ideas. Harumph. Back to journalism for me.

The Choad Menagerie

You’re probably hoping that this particular post is the McCrabass version of Tennessee Williams’s classic “The Glass Menagerie”, but it isn’t.

Simply put–I am here to crush your dreams once again.

The nice thing is that once I get going on this post, you’ll see why it has been awarded this particular hed.

Who here has heard of Kerry Bentivolio? Anyone? His grand plan is to be the Republican rep in Congress for Michigan’s 11th district which was left vacant after former-Rep. Thaddeus McCotter abruptly resigned in July. He’s not your run-of-the-mill-Republican (whatever that means) either, he’s much more fun. (fun in a herpes-outbreak kinda way)

Kerry Bentivolio (courtesy liberty-candidates.org)

From DetroitYes.com:

On the first day of school last year, Kerry Bentivolio told students in his English class at Fowlerville High School that he had one goal: to make each one of them cry at least once.
……..
Nine months later, school administrators reprimanded him for intimidating and threatening students by grabbing their desks and yelling in their faces or for slamming his fists on their desks.

Oh it gets so much better. Yeah, um…. I’ll just let youse guys read it. From Politico.com

The brother of Kerry Bentivolio says the Michigan congressional candidate, who’s favored to win on Tuesday, is “mentally unbalanced” and could end up in jail.

“I’ve never met anyone in my life who is conniving and dishonest as this guy,” Phillip Bentivoliosaid, according to the Michigan Information and Research Service   (subscription required). “He’s my brother so it’s hard to talk about this, but I believe that if he gets elected, he’ll eventually serve time in prison.”

Kerry Bentivolio is the Republican candidate in Michigan’s 11th district, running to replace Rep. Thaddeus McCotter, who failed to secure enough valid signatures to qualify for the ballot.

Kerry Bentivolio is a Santa Claus impersonator and reindeer farmer. He made headlines after old court documents surfaced quoting him saying he had a “problem figuring out which one I really am, Santa Claus or Kerry Bentivolio.”  He’s running against Democrat Syad Taj.

Philip Bentivolio said that in 1992, he helped his brother build houses in Arkansas and Kerry owed him $20,000. This month he told Kerry he would go to the media with the story if he did not get paid, and Kerry then said he called the FBI and the Little Rock Police Department.

“He told them that I told them that if he didn’t send me money, I was going to kill myself,” Phillip Bentivolio said. “I couldn’t believe it.”

Kerry Bentivolio said that his brother has “serious mental issues” and that the FBI was looking into his brother’s request for repayment 20 years after the fact.

Kerry Bentivolio reminds me of the crazy uncle you see once a year at family gatherings. And, because of your strong sense of family coupled with WASP guilt, you’re forced to spend “quality time” with him which will ensure that the karma train doesn’t mow you over during a future run. Watching him pound Jack & Cokes would be similar to watching cement harden. He also strikes me as the type of uncle who gives the female relatives WET KISSES, but not on the cheek, oh no! Them smooches are bound for your beak, hon, and it’s best just to let it happen then start pounding French 75s to help douse the image of his maw careening toward your pucker out of your mental Rolodex. Um, I speak from experience as a matter of fact.

Back to the feud de Bentivolio Brothers. Holidays are probably rough at the Bentivolio manse. Also, I’m quite verklempt on the whole “I don’t know if I’m Kerry Bentivolio or Santa Claus” bit. It’s .. it’s … it’s just …. yep.

I’m gonna go on the record and say that if Obama was a white dude, this shit wouldn’t be spewing forth from the Mayor of 9/11 and his ilk. I’m waiting for Rudy to take credit for the clean-up of NYC post-Sandy. You know it’s gonna happen and here’s a pre-emptive ‘shuttie’ to him.

Very Presidential

The finish line for the presidential election is in sight and thank fucking dog for that.

I don’t know about y’all, but this particular election season has been tough to take –even for a political junkie like myself. The decision for me was easy because I knew who I was going to vote for after pulling the lever in the previous presidential election. For those of you who don’t know me very well, let’s just say I rather enjoy having complete reign over my lady parts, and I care about what happens to those less fortunate than myself–even those folks who don’t look like me.

I wish I had stocks to sell to pay for my education, and hopefully someday I’ll be able to do it. When that day comes, I know I’ll still be on the side of all Americans, not just rooting for a select few who buy shit like helicopters, strap dogs to car roofs and pal around with NASCAR team owners.

To cut some of the nastiness of the past few months, here’s some presidential tidbits, trivia and other fun stuff to enjoy.

Who knew the 8th President of the United States would inspire a group of ne’er-do-wells to form a street gang in his name? I had no idea he was so mean, but Kramer did.

George learns how mean the Van B Boys are the hard way.

President Van Buren would be so proud.

Big meanie: President Van Buren (courtesy nndb.com)

Size doesn’t matter. The 4th President, James Madison, was the tiniest. He weighed about a buck and standing at a mere 5’4″, he coulda been a jockey if he desired. Standing at 6’4″, the tallest was Abraham Lincoln. President William Howard Taft was the most zaftig so far, weighing in at about 3 bills. Once President Taft got stuck in the White House bathtub and after being set free from his porcelain prison, he ordered a new one installed. This new tub could hold 4 grown men.

President Taft (courtesy funwithhistory.wordpress.com)

Age before beauty. The oldest was the Gipper (69) and the youngest elected was JFK (43). But the youngest POTUS to serve was Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy took over for President McKinley after McKinley was shot dead by an anarchist in September 1901. Teddy was 42 when he took over the top spot in politics.

The sporting life. President Benjamin Harrison was the first POTUS to attend a baseball game–the Cincinnati Reds vs. the Washington Senators (the Reds won). President Taft was the first prez to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game. This became a regular occurrence for all presidents, with one exception–Jimmy Carter. Oh, and John Quincy Adams loved to get all nekkid and swim in the Potomac each morning.
There goes my erection.
Geo Washington, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams all had one thing in common–besides diddling lady slaves–they adored, collected and played marbles.

Knock, knock, knocking on heaven’s door. Four presidents were assassinated while in office: Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and JFK. Six others were much luckier and survived attempts on their lives: Jackson, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, Truman, Ford and the Gipper. Four others bought the farm whilst POTUS: Harrison succumbed to pneumonia one month to the day, after making the longest inauguration speech EVER. Zachary Taylor’s gut exploded 16 months after taking office in 1850. Major poon hound and the leader of  one of the most scandal-ridden administrations, Warren Harding, died suddenly in August 1923. The official party line was he died from a heart attack, but rumor has it his better half poisoned him because she was sick of him playing hide the presidential sausage with other ladies. The second and third presidents, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, respectively, died on the same day: July 4, 1826.

Smokin’ hot dead POTUS

Et cetera. Tricky Dick was the first president to visit all 50 states. Teddy Roosevelt was the first POTUS to travel abroad (Panama Canal), Slick Willie took 133 trips out of the country–the most of all presidents. President Roosevelt was the first one to fly on an aero-plane. That was in 1943. The Commonwealth of Virginia birthed the most presidents (8), while 31 states haven’t had one yet. The first POTUS born a US citizen was Martin Van Buren. The others before him were fuzzy ferriners.

Thoughts on 2016. Are you kidding? I don’t have any idea as to who I’ll back in 4 years. I just want to get through this one alive and stay on the right side of the law. But, I DO have an idea as to who should throw his besotted cap into the ring: Dave Tillis.

Totally sexist comment coming up: If Ann Coulter was unattractive, no one would give her airtime or publishing contracts. However, since she has stringy blonde locks that are in dire need of hot oil treatment, everything she spews out of her maw is considered golden. Conservative men now have something else to wank their puds to–instead of their old stand-by: Reagan’s Inauguration Addresses on a loop.
What a horror of human being she is.

King of States!

A man with Down’s Syndrome wrote this incredible response to National Disgrace Ann Coulter, who does not deserve this gentleman’s time of day.

He was far more diplomatic than Ann Coulter deserves, and is dissuading me from publishing the open letter I’d been planning on:

Dear Ann,

Eat shit and die.

Best,
Me

I realize that my letter is not very effective as a riposte, so I’m just going to go with “What he said.”

Ann Coulter: Making People Embarrassed To Be Human Since 1961

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Just To Clarify

I love this woman.
Now HERE is someone who deserves to be Freshly Pressed or Processed or Pooped or Pulled-Apart or whatever it’s called.

Pornos should be made in her honor.

King of States!

You want to curtail my right to control what happens inside my personal uterus because once upon a time ten years ago, you saw the grainy outline of a pulsating bean on a tiny television screen.

Got it. Thank you for the compelling scientific data.

I assume this bodes well for my personal policy recommendation that we abolish public libraries because when I was 19 years old, I almost hit a Basset Hound with my car on the way to a library. Okay, it wasn’t a library, it was a Waldenbooks, but they’re out of business now so libraries it is.

What? It’s like you WANT puppies to die. You disgust me.

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