Five Things-Top 5 Worst Songs Edition-Pt. 1: May 4, 2014

The five worst songs. It’s a tall order. We’re talkin’ Sears Tower tall.

I’ve been mulling about writing such a post for a long time. It’s a toughie because there’s so much shitty music out there that’s been poisoning our souls for decades.

Recently, I ran this topic up the flagpole that is Facebook, and received many varied responses. What I hate, others love and what others hate, I love. I toyed with the idea of adding my friends’ responses, but naaaaah … nah … this ain’t about them. If they wanna bitch about music, they can start their own blogs.

Narrowing the list to FIVE isn’t easy which is why I’m working on an installment plan. Stay tuned for more lists like this.

Aaand we’re off!

Oh, and these are in no particular order.

1) “We Built This City” by Starship, or Jefferson Airplane or Jefferson Starship or whatever the entire fuck they were calling themselves back then.

This next tidbit made me wanna hurl: Bernie Taupin CO-WROTE this shit sandwich. Yes, possibly the finest lyricist of any generation co-penned this fucker. I do hope he got paid well because this is embarrassing. And Abraham Lincoln jamming in this video? If he were alive today, he’d go back to the Ford Theater for an encore after learning he lip-synched the lyrics.

 

2) “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman.

Seriously, run the fuck over the person with a big, fast car who thought this was a good song to do. This song makes me wanna hurt myself because it’s such a doggie downer. It’s like “Requiem For A Dream” but the song version. When I’m driving, and I hear the first few guitar licks of this song on the radio, I have to change the channel immediately or I’ll slam head-first into the first cement truck I see just to put me out of my misery.

I couldn’t even find the original video for this and you wanna know why? Because even the folks who did the vid think it sucks, therefore, they didn’t relinquish the rights to let folks watch it on the Internets.

 

3) “What I Am” by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians.

You know, it physically hurts me to write about this song, but I need to. I gotta get it out…you know..to heal my dark soul.

Let’s take a gander at those bon mots a bit more closely:

I’m not aware of too many things 
I know what I know, if you know what I mean 
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box 
Religion is the smile on a dog 
I’m not aware of too many things 
I know what I know, if you know what I mean, d-doo yeah 

I remember when this song came out, and she was allll the rage of my generation. “Oh, she’s so deep–she says that philosophy is as simple as what’s written on breakfast food packaging…”

I thought she needed a bath, and a good stylist.

The Paul Simons, in court. (via AP)

The Paul Simons, in court. (via AP)

Now all she needs is a good lawyer. 

Oh, Mrs. Paul Simon… I just can’t.

 

4) “Into the Night” by Benny Mardones

I swear, this is the child rapists’ anthem.

Here’s the convo I just had about this song:

Me: He’s a fucking Pervy McPerversons!

Pal: What? (He starts watching the vid)

After a few seconds…

Pal: It’s not like he wants to bang her! He wants pick her up, and fly her around…in the night!

He keeps watching… 

Pal: I like his shirt though.

Me: SHE’S SIXTEEN!

We continue watching… 

Me: Eww, he’s wearing JAZZ SHOES and they’re on a carpet. She’s wearing nude hose with wedge sandals so I guess it’s ok.

Pal: Why didn’t anyone complain about this when it was originally released?

Me: Dunno. Maybe pervy men weren’t a problem back in the early ’80s.

Pal: Here’s what the lyrics SHOULD be:

She’s not the age of consent
She makes me hard, I say
I’m just a giant perv, mmkay…

Here are some of the lyrics …

She’s just 16 years old
Leave her alone, they say
Separated by fools
Who don’t know what love is yet
But I want you to know

If I could fly
I’d pick you up
I’d take you into the night
And show you a love
Like you’ve never seen, ever seen

This song is quite catchy–if you pay no attention to the lyrics whatsoever.

I’m done.

 

5) “Two Princes” by the Spin Doctors

What woman would send a doofus in a stupid cardigan and wool cap flowers? Who would want to ‘talk for hours’ with someone who probably doesn’t bathe and therefore, smells like ass and patchouli?
This song is a suck-fest on so many levels … the cloying guitar riffs, the unimaginative drum line … the insipid lyrics. Oy vey.

They’re almost as sucky as the Counting Crows.

 

 

 

Shut. It. Down. 9/30/13

I’m tired and worn out from monitoring the shitfest that is Congress, so here’s a post before the lights go out. Yes, I love y’all that much.

Oh and there’s lots of salty language and general pissy-ness in this post due to what’s going on in D.C.

1) **Sarcastic slow clap for Congress.**

The shenanigans that have been going on during the past few days are completely ludicrous, embarrassing and yes, racist. Okay folks…lemme ‘splain one more time: We have a Black President, it’s time to get the fuck over it. The ACA is the law of the land, and acting like a bunch of whiny little pricks because you can’t control everything is so detrimental to this country and not to mention, democracy. What creases me is Congress–whose approval rating is hovering around 10 percent–is being controlled by a minority of dumbfuck ‘muricans who don’t know their assholes from their eyeballs. This seriously makes me wanna vomit.

2) Musical interlude.

3) A great American city is on life support. 

(via HumanEvents.com)

(via HumanEvents.com)

I came across this excellent photo essay today via the Daily Mail/UK.

Ghosts of students past: Fascinating pictures of a derelict Detroit school… mixed with evocative images from its heyday

(via Detroiturbex.com)

(via Detroiturbex.com)

  • Photos of Cass Technical High School in Detroit, Michigan, whose alumni include Diana Ross and Jack White
  • School moved to new building in 2005 which left original facility empty and it was later demolished last year
  • Largest school in Michigan by 1942 with 4,200 students attending eight-storey brick and limestone building

Click through this collection–the photos are stunning and humbling. The sad thing is, this could feasibly happen in every major city in the country if we’re not careful.

4) Hey, being born white is one helluva personal achievement. Where I fucked up is I WASN’T BORN MALE. What a filthy slut I am!

Via AutoStraddle and Jezebel.

Who’s Really to Blame for the Looming Government Shutdown? Sluts.

Yeah, a bunch of dried up white men with shriveled peens who probably haven’t had sex since Reagan was in power, are thinking about my cooch and how they can fuck with it without having to actually fuck it. Talk about a wasted hard-on, but in all seriousness, who would want to diddle these dudes? See, that’s why they’re pissed off–no self-respecting woman would EVAH see any of the conservative members’ members.

Bite me.

5) Apparently, there are folks out there who pay shit-tons of money to watch this.

(via ExtraLunchMoney.com)

(via ExtraLunchMoney.com)

It’s called CAKE SITTING. Yes. It is. True story. Do you really need me to explain it with words? I think not.

(via ixdaily.com)

(via ixdaily.com)

I’ve been looking for new revenue outlets and this might be the one for me. I like to bake and I like to sit. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me!

Les Jiz

NSFW! WARNING! PORNY IMAGES IN POST! REAL NASTY ONES TOO!

Some people are so creative. Especially porn stars. I mean, who else coulda come up with double penetration?

(Thanks to kingdong.com)

(Thanks to kingdong.com)

Now that I’ve given you ideas of how to ring in the New Year with your gardener and pool boy, let’s get on with my story.

From Moral Low Ground.

Japanese Porn Star Uta Kohaku Collects Fans’ Semen for New Video

I … I … yep.

(h/t espanol.lpcdigital.com)

(h/t espanol.lpcdigital.com)

I don’t know what was funnier–researching this woman and her quest to have her fans send her bottles of spunk, or hearing my friend’s comments when we happened upon an Asian porn site. The categories were typical: Bukkake, Threesomes, Girl-on-Girl… zzzzzz. But, what tickled his fancy was the “Asians with Big Tits” category because according to him, “Asian broads don’t normally have big tittehs.” Great. Now the world can go back to spinning.

Anyhoo, it turns out, Miz Uta Kohaku, who has starred in such classics as “Porn Star Virgin Tastes Male Virgin First Time” and “Nipple Play with Lesbian Duo“, was looking for co-stars of sorts for her upcoming opus “Semen Collection 2” which can only mean there’s a “Semen Collection 1” swimming around the universe for us to feast our eyes upon! HOT DAMN! So, her bosses at RADIX STUDIOS alerted the Twitterverse and lo and behold, Japan turned into one big circle jerk. The rest is history.

(courtesy capitalbay.com)

(courtesy capitalbay.com)

What is this world coming to?

 

 

I Have Man Boobs

No, not really. I just needed to lure y’all into my post here by using tittehs as my hook. Works like a charm every time–especially if you’re into men with breastesses.

(courtesy manboobsguide.com NOT. KIDDING.)

(courtesy manboobsguide.com NOT. KIDDING.)

Man boobs are very popular these days. I mean, I keep seeing stories about ’em all over the place. Nothing can contain them it seems.

Case in point:

From BBC.com

Increase in male breast reduction surgery

Apparently in the UK, men with squeeze boxes they wear on their chests don’t like wearing them no more. So, men are getting them taken down a cup size or two or three, and in 2011 roughly 790 of these surgeries were performed. This number has doubled in the past five years. In boring doctor terms, this condition is called gynaecomastia.

I guess men don’t like the nipple tenderness and the embarrassment the manly mams cause. Guess they don’t like having their tits stared at on an hourly basis EITHER. It’s like a mammary quid pro quo. I wish this surgery wasn’t an option for some men because then they’d have to deal with motor-boating jokes and nips that are allll about living the high-beam life.

Of course, now that men have boobs, modern medicine is jumping through worn out bras to figure out a way to help ’em get rid of them.

Huh. Most men spend their whole lives wanting to fondle the goods, but once the good lord has blessed them with a pair of their own, they no likey the jumblies so much anymore.

Have a piece of irony pie.

I have a rule I follow, wanna hear it? Sure you do: Never date a man whose boobs are bigger than yours. It’s just smart living.

Secksy.

Secksy.

Why were these invented?

What do you spake of, dearest Julia?

Oh. WHITE CHOCOLATE LIFE-SIZE BABY HEADS.

 

I hate chocolate now. (courtesy of Huffington Post)

I hate chocolate now. (courtesy of Huffington Post)

Some person who hates babies and grown-ups, felt they were necessary for the planet. Now, this person must be destroyed, or at least never, ever be let out in public again.

Straight from the horse’s …

I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I also don’t know what the hell to say about this.

Aussie Michael Francis Klan Sends Video of Himself Having Sex with Horse to Ex-Wife

from Moral Low Ground

An Australian man has been sentenced to two years’ probation after being found guilty of having sex with a horse and then sending his ex-wife a video of the shocking event.

The Queensland Times reports that Michael Francis Klan, 36, of Fairney View pleaded guilty to carnal knowledge of a horse, or bestiality, in Ipswich District Court. Klan recorded himself raping the horse and then sent his ex-wife messages asking if she wanted see video or photos of the crime. After sending her a video, she notified police and showed them the footage.

Crown Prosecutor Caroline Marco called Klan’s shocking actions “disturbing and abhorrent,” and a psychiatrist testified that he needed specialized treatment for his zoophilia and other issues.

While Judge Sarah Bradley concurred that Klan’s crime was “disgusting” and an outrage to the community, she took into account the stress he was under due to his failed marriage and other problems. Bradley sentenced Klan to two years’ probation with the condition that he get any treatment programs deemed appropriate.

Steve Kissick, Klan’s defense barrister, said his client has found a new girlfriend, who is standing by him during his ordeal.

Of buttholes and bugs …

There are days when I can’t think of a thing to write — shocking but true.

To remedy this blockage, I search within my dark, snark-filled soul and usually a subject magically creeps its way up and out. This works most of the time. However, there are instances where no matter how much navel gazing I do, I end up staring at a blank computer screen.

Recently, the latter happened and it took all of my power to not collect more restraining orders.

Until these two gems were dumped into my RSS feed, and Mama has lots to say about both.

First, I don’t have a problem with tattoos. If you want to cover your body with whimsical artwork

(courtesy inkarttattoos.com)

or use your body as a resume …

… then who am I to judge?

There is very little in this society that has given me pause, until I read this.  Before I continue, you must watch the vidya below.

Such a delicate flower, idn’t she? I wonder which trailer park she rolled out of prior to her semi-sober stroll thru the 17th Annual South Florida (of COURSE) Tattoo Expo. Also, after spending time on the trailer park’s semen-stained community mattress out behind the outhouses with Jed, you’d think she’d have enough sense to, you know, maybe run a comb through her scraggly locks and maybe don some threads that fit.

But what about the tattoo on her ayyy-nooose? Actually, I’m trying not to think about it because it just makes me clench (yep) and sweat (you know it). No wonder she’s doing shots during the hole (oops) procedure. Shit (oh yes), you know you’d all do the same to push (uh huh) through the pain.

Why the anus? WHY? Maybe this is a question that should never be answered. It should remain a mystery. However, according to her, anal tats are gonna be the new thing. So, pucker-up, buttercups!

Meanwhile, over in Japan, things are a bit tamer, yet eye-brow raising.

I have no idea who Shoko “Shokotan” Nakagawa is.

(courtesy of your pervy father’s porn collection and keymochi.com)

I guess she’s some Anime chick who sings and pahfohms fah yew! Ok, fine. I get it, She’s Japan’s answer to Miley Cyrus, minus the creepy, mulletted peepaw. She’s cute — kinda like EVERYTHING in Japan.

Where was I going with this? Sorry, got distracted by the bento boxes shaped like panda bears and the fuzzy bikini Ms. Nakagawa swiped from my closet. Strumpet.

(courtesy of gawker.com)

She’s the Lady Gaga of Japan and I am now a fan. She’s taken Gaga-ness one step further and for that she gets my undying loyalty. She has bugs, not just ordinary bugs, but cicadas on her head and they look COOL. See, I think the cicada is the Cadillac of big-ass bugs. They’re not dirty like cockroaches, and they make a soul-calming sound –if you’re into high-pitched screeching. Plus, the whole 17-year routine they’ve got going is to be respected.

Also, we’re not creeped out enough as a society.

And then some ..

First, this parody has me giggling uncontrollably. Just watch it — you’ll like it — trust me. (thanks to Braulio B. for this. MWAH!)

“Wouldn’t this fake job be better if these girls could see each other’s cleavage and kiss?”

Sadly, I doubt the boner killers would’ve helped the woman in the next story.

Apparently, overrated comic and whatever he is, Russell Brand, managed to get a tongue lashing by co-star Billy Connolly for insisting a wardrobe assistant flash her delicates at Brand before he donned his costume for the Eric Idle musical “What About Dick?” The story goes that production on the film was delayed for a some time while Brand begged and pleaded with the assistant to flash her boobs for him.

Really?

(image courtesy USA Today)

Brand is supposedly a big star who allegedly has chochas of all shapes/sizes/smells flying at him from all angles at all times of the day and night, and he has to bully some wardrobe assistant (who’s probably just doing that shitty job to beef up her resume so she can get onto something big like, say “Game of Thrones”) for a titty show? Isn’t that what strip clubs are for? Or his ex-wife Katy Perry? Let’s face it –Brand is adored by those who believe that Dane Cook is a comic genius and that the “Twilight” film series ranks up there with anything Scorcese has ever done. In other words, he sucks.

Now, if I had been the wardrobe assistant, I would’ve obliged. Why? Because me shoving my breasticles in Brand’s ironically bearded visage would’ve caused him a certain amount of humiliation and pain. What about harming me? Well, that act would’ve mirrored any Tuesday for me.

Finally, there’s nothing like having a craptastic mother who doesn’t quite grasp the concept of social media and what can happen to you when you post on your Facebook page a video of two kids going at it like pit bulls in a ring.

Ding Dong — social services gets called and the story breaks wide.

Warning: The vid is tough to watch.

Putting on airs

There comes a time during long-term unemployment when a gal has to figure out what else she could do for a living. It would have to be something she’s good at, enjoys and will sustain her for a lifetime. While pondering my attributes, I decided to focus on my strengths — my intelligence, sense of humor, wicked wit, strong writing skills, wide knowledge of film making, and a built-in asshole detector — just to name a few.

A few friends have suggested I open my own business (doing what? Being a smartass doesn’t pay all that well). Small problem with starting  a business —  you kind of need a product to sell, and way to get and keep customers. I love how friends and acquaintances feel so triumphant when they tell me to ‘start my own business.’ That smugness is quickly dashed when I tell them I’m not an entrepreneur and not interested in ‘starting my own business.’ What’s truly is sad is they haven’t been paying attention and don’t know me well at all.

And, frankly, I’m sick of building my ‘brand’ and trying to sell myself to others. What brand would that be? Getting folks to click on ads on my blog is not my idea of ‘brand building’ — it’s bullshit and not worth the .001 cents I would get per click. While I’m at it, Tweeting and re-Tweeting my blog posts with the appropriate hashtags is not my idea of ‘brand building.’ Unless, of course, my ‘brand’ is porn because we all know that sex sells.

Until I spied this. From Untapped.Sf

I’ve edited it a bit since it’s waaay too long. Maybe Untapped.Sf should hire an editor.

Urban Profile: Jacki and the Business of Farting…for the Camera

Why didn’t I think of this?

Here’s a fact: WOMEN FART. Yep, we do. We belch, fart, rub one off every once in a while. We flick our nipples, use vibrators, pick our noses, scratch our asses, and walk around our abodes nekkid (shut UP).

In other words, we’re human.

With that, I don’t know why folks are getting their knickers in a twist about some broad who farts on video for money.

I met Jacki at a dance class three years ago. I remember noticing two things about her right off the bat. The first was a large, u-shaped scar on her chest that she made no effort to hide, and the second was just how open and upfront she was about…well, everything. Within minutes of meeting her, I learned that Jacki is, in her own words, a fetish video producer (more on this later), and that a few years prior she had had a life-saving lung transplant (hence the scar) born of a rare respiratory illness.

But first, who is Jacki and what does she do? Quite simply, this Bay Area native is a producer of farting videos. Her videos, which are posted on various fetish-exclusive sites are downloaded and paid for by hundreds of consumers. These video clips, featuring Jacki in various stages of undress, farting noisily into the camera, fulfill a niche community of men who get off on women farting. Yes, you read right. Men watch her fart and tell her how hot she is, how hard they are for her and her farts, and how much they want her to sit on their faces and fart on them.

Fetish isn’t something new to Bay Area folks. As a city that celebrates nudity, ass-less chaps, Kink.com and the Folsom Street Fair, San Franciscans are generally unfazed by what our more conservative counterparts call “sexual perversion.” But Jacki, my girl-next-door friend does not fit the typical profile of a San Francisco sexual deviant. With her fresh-faced cheeriness, completely unblemished skin (no tattoos, no piercings) and Euro-chic dress sense, Jacki looks like the furthest thing from a fetish girl. She jokes:

“When people hear that I’m in the fetish business they think latex, S&M, piercings and dominatrix whipping stuff. Seriously Suicide Girls is so 1998. We’ve moved on to farting people!”

 I am speechless. Why the hell didn’t I think of this? I’d be a gazillionaire by now had I done this first. Thank god for fetishes. Seriously.
Immersing herself full time in the world of selling fetish items, Jacki quickly became highly sought after. She soon transitioned her business from selling used items such as shoes and underwear (and tempting fate by shipping these items with the US Postal System) to filming and selling only fetish videos on the internet, her specialty being fart videos.

Her vidyas are plotless, last anywhere from five to ten minutes in length and are for sale via her website (which she doesn’t want posted). Candid is the name of the game with Staci — she just turns on the camera and let’s ’em rip, but not after telling her viewers how bad she needs to cut one. Charming. And, what’s even better, is she’s basically a gal-next-door type. How refreshing, but the gal-next-door turn-on bodes well for someone like me, who looks like she’s just been found bound and gagged in someone’s crawlspace right next door, and is in dire need of a shower and a shave.

What’s even better about Staci is she’s a true Philosopher Queen when it comes to farting on camera, and what works and doesn’t. Also, her dietary needs that are helping her become as famous as Le Petomane. Spoiler alert — her roughage requirements aren’t that extraordinary.

“All farts are not created equal. Some men like farting girls in underwear, some men only like white underwear farts, some like thongs, some hate thongs, some like farts through jeans, some like bare-bottom farts, some like women farting on furniture, like chairs, or couches or mattresses. … Kashi cereal. I had some this morning, and now I’ve got so much gas!” she groans. “Raw cabbage will do it too, but who wants to eat raw cabbage?”

I’m in awe of this woman because she obviously isn’t filled with the crippling WASP prudishness that invades every single cell in my body. If I didn’t have family OR friends, I’d make over-40 farting vids because you know damn well there’s a market for it.

What makes me say something so bold?

“If you have a sense of humor about farting, you’ll stay young.”