Five Things: 10/29/13

I don’t really know what day it is because I’ve actually been working. Yep. I think I mentioned it before so I won’t go into the gory details. Wait..come to think of it..I can’t go into the gory details because I’d have to kill you all.

1) Apparently, scrotal lymphedema IS a real thing. See, I thought I was just being clever when I was a stripper in Greece and needed an authentic-sounding name. Via the DailyMail.

(via TLC/Las Vegas Review-Journal)

(via TLC/Las Vegas Review-Journal)

So, Wesley Warren Jr. had a …. wait for it …132 pound scrotum since he was a youngin. He could barely move, and he had to wear an oversized hoody upside down so his scrot could be covered. Plus, he had to lug around a plastic milk crate with him everywhere he went so he has something to place his sack on while he was chilling out. Long story short, he had it removed, but here’s the rub–turns out his wedding tackle is teeny, so he’s having a tough time finding love.

And that’s alllll I’m gonna say because if I say anymore, I’ll get into a heap o’ trouble.

2) “Britney Spears’ music used by British navy to scare off Somali pirates”

Via The Guardian.

Who knew that screeching like a cat caught in a washing machine with a wombat would actually scare would-be terrorists or pirates or whatever the term is these days?? Britain knows what to do. Their wit cannot be topped. They get it, and those of us across the pond can only give them a slow clap and an approving head nod.

We can’t top it. Seriously, it can’t be done.

I mean, we can but that would involve shooting the terrorists/pirates, but this way only their ears bleed and gets them scurrying from daylight–never to come out ever again.

I’ve never sat through at Britney song so I don’t know just how shrill she is…hmm…there’s no time like the present.

3) Um, I don’t know of a time when it hasn’t been cool for broads to toke up.

Will It Ever Be “Cool” For Women to Smoke Marijuana?

 

4) As for Banksy, I don’t care what he has to say about the WTC. He should just stick to making awesome scribbles on buildings n’ such. See, this is one of the many problems with the Internets–people who, in the pre-Internet age, wouldn’t get recognition are now getting lots of it. Sure, much of that recognition is good from some folks/causes, but for some, well… NO.

5) Time for a palate cleanser–need to get rid of that Britney mess from earlier.

Enjoy.

 

The Jiven’ Five: 10/9/13

Sorry I’ve been so quiet for the past week or so, but I’ve been busy…wait for it…WORKING. Yep, McCrabby managed to land herself a part-time–possibly temporary– gig. I can’t go into details just yet, BUT it does allow me share my gifts of writing, yapping and telling stories. Of course, the bottom could fall out and I’ll be back to keeping the couch down and yelling at kids to stay out of my liquor cabinet.

1) Ok, if I ever spied a man wearing such a tie, I’d have him arrested. This just screams douchebag.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

Apparently, this new fangled neck wear is all the rage among …well… I don’t know who or what for that matter. Hmm..maybe I need another image. You know, one that shows the Shortti in action.

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

On second thought, I’m gonna have to slap on a big NO on this one.

Next!

2) Umm…..

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

I just got off the phone with my lawyer about going into the masturbation facility business. I’m gonna make a wad of cash building places where folks can quietly go blow their wads. And y’all thought I didn’t have any bidness sense. Haters.

Turns out our military industrial complex ain’t too keen on Marines choking the chicken and she-boppin’ all over Afghanistan. In fact, they’re so turned off by it that the powers-that-be concocted the above warning and posted it inside all of the porta-potties on the bases. Some on the inside think it’s a joke with one medic saying that you can’t get anything via semen (well one can get pregnant) unless an open wound happens to be in attendance. Eww. I couldn’t care less if Marines are playing with themselves..seriously. They’re in a shitty part of the world, fighting an even shittier war so why NOT let them diddle their puds every once in a while? Sheesh. It’s the least we can do.

3) I am very curious about this.

Screen shot 2013-10-09 at 9.31.24 AM

 

I’m morbidly curious. There, does that explanation sit better with you?

4) Oh goody. He’s single again.

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

Too bad he didn’t have the cajones to JUST age gracefully. He looks like one of my Il Bisonte handbags.

5) You really wanna know why I’m easing into veganism? Here’s one of the many reasons. H/t to Mother Jones.

40 Percent of Your Chicken Nugget Is Meat. The Rest Is…

bones, nerves, skin, feet, eyes, hair, claws, intestines, arteries, Republicans, herpes scabs, pus, scar tissue, Rick Santorum, afterbirth, varicose dick veins, egg shells, Brook Astor’s crotch, Pig Newtons, shedded snake skin, haggis, panty scrape, meconium, Putin’s asscrack sweat, Laplander jiz, Rice-A-Roni, John Boehner’s gin-soaked salty nutsack and pubic lice.

Ok, I went a titch overboard there, but you get the general idea. That shit’s bad for you.

 

 

Petraeus’s Pussy Problem

What former CIA Director General David Petraeus said in a statement after it was discovered by the FBI he was playing hide the ballistic missile with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, author of the tome about her paramilitary paramour titled, [B]All In, was expected and quite dull. Zzzzzz….

“After being married for over 37 years, I showed extremely poor judgment by engaging in an extramarital affair,” Mr. Petraeus said in his statement, expressing regret for his abrupt departure. “Such behavior is unacceptable, both as a husband and as the leader of an organization such as ours. This afternoon, the president graciously accepted my resignation.”

Whoopsie!

Just for once, I’d LOVE to hear an apology statement by a government official upon resignation given in the appropriate lingo of his/her career choice. Confused? Well, here’s what he should have said:

“After slipping my warhead past Ms. Broadwell’s strategic defense systems, I have surrendered my position. I have waved the white flag, admitted that civilian poontang was my Waterloo. I apologetically let loose many an improvised explosive device in her fox hole, and my actions are regrettable. I am currently engaged in intense peace negotiations with my military spouse of 37 years, and am hoping for a truce but I have an inkling my actions have only created my own little DMZ. Therefore, the Commander-in-Chief, who has never spent one damn fucking day in uniform, acted like a major pussy and accepted my resignation. What a pud. Me? Well, I’m a SCUD stud!”

Way to acoustically jam her, General.

Ladies & gents, Madame Weebles

A must-read post by one of my fave bloggers evah, Madame Weebles.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Also, I strongly suggest you read, follow and worship her blog–totally worth it and you’ll get that warm feeling down there when you do.
Peace and love,
Julia

Fear No Weebles

[Disclaimer: This is not aimed at my Republican buddies here, who are intelligent, thoughtful human beings.  This is for the members of the GOP who are hell-bent on fomenting hatred and encouraging discrimination, among other things.  Anyone who is offended by this, however, is exactly the type of person I’m referring to below and should be offended.]

[Note: I’m not generally a politics person.  I will probably never write another political post, so I wanted to make this one count.  I’m coming out swinging.  I might lose some readers, and that’s okay.]

Hey, wingnuts.  You don’t know me but you hate me.

I’m from New York City.  To you guys, that’s just another name for Sodom.  Y’all hate us city slickers because we’re not honest, hard-workin’, church-goin’, “real” Amuricans.  Yet my city, along with 3,000 people, took a big hit for you 11 years ago.  Fuck you.

I believe that a…

View original post 641 more words

A Very Dumb Man

Writing about Mitt Romney is overwhelming.

(courtesy conservativenewssources.wordpress.com)

Why? Not to be Captain Obvious here, but Mitt is a target-rich environment. I could go on and on about his flip-flop-o-rama on issues such as healthcare, women’s reproductive rights, Medicare, Social Security et cetera, et cetera. But, y’all have seen, heard and shaken your heads in disbelief over his lack of character and integrity. Not to mention his craptastic attitude toward dogs.

Simply put, Gov. Romney is not fit for higher office.

Especially after his comments regarding yesterday’s horrible attacks on the US Embassy in Cairo, Egypt and the US Consulate in Benghazi, Libya which resulted in the deaths of four Americans, including US Ambassador to Libya, J. Christopher Stevens. The Obama Administration, and both Democrat and Republican lawmakers were quick to condemn the attack and subsequent American deaths. President Obama vowed to bring those involved to justice. Nothing political here, just the Commander-in-Chief doing his job.

Enter Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. Now, protocol has it that during a time such as this when Americans were killed on foreign soil, a presidential candidate would also condemn the actions of a crazed mob and pray for justice, right?

Not so fast.

Instead, Mr. Romney spewed a common GOP talking point: President Obama is constantly apologizing to Muslims — as well as the rest of the world — for our behavior. Never once has this president apologized for American behavior. But, that doesn’t matter to Republicans–you know, the group that has such a hard-on for getting Obama out of office, they’re making up stupid shit on an hourly basis and cock-blocking him on legislation he’s put forth before Congress — even legislation that was initially birthed by the GOP. The problem is, the mouth-breathers who rely on Fox News as their oracle, will never find the courage to actually search for the truth. What these folks “see” is a Kenyan Muslim Socialist Marxist, not a man who saved the US auto industry, gave over 1 million people healthcare thanks to the ACA, killed Bin Laden, and signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act — to name just a few accomplishments.

I have PLENTY of issues with Mr. Obama which I’ll discuss at another time. He’s far from perfect, believeyoume, but he’s a better leader than Mitt Romney.

Here’s a snippet of what Mr. Romney said:

“I think it’s a terrible course for America to stand in apology for our values, that instead when our grounds are being attacked and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation. An apology for America’s values is never the right course.”

Oh boy. When they made you stupid, they made you real stupid, and not to mention, an insensitive choad.

Like I mentioned earlier, bigwigs from his own party think Mr. Romney doth protest too much.

I’m surprised by Mr. Romney’s ignorance and I’m not. He has no foreign policy experience, and in recent weeks has proven that lack thereof over and over again.

Just to give you an idea of how ignint Mr. Romney is, Colin Powell does a nice job of schooling him earlier in year —

What does Mr. Romney do after being criticized about his “oops” by the masters of his own party? He doubles-down, of course. Sad. I’m so glad he doesn’t know the launch codes.

Too bad he can’t retroactively retire today’s comments.

Election Season Follies Part One: Shitstorm in Chicago

There are roughly six months until the presidential election and we’re already witnessing some of the most disgusting, fucked-up, asshole behavior by some of our fellow Americans.

Joe Ricketts (photo from USA Today)

Earlier in the week we heard about the this race-baiting bomb of crap ad campaign that was perpetrated by the patriarch of the family who owns the Chicago Cubs. The Super PAC that Papa Ricketts is funding failed to take into account that the Ricketts fam is desperately trying to get Illinois tax payers to foot the bill for the multi-million dollar Wrigley Field rehab.

Oops.

There’s one thing you don’t do if you want to survive: You don’t fuck with Chicagoans.

We have long memories and rugged attitudes when it comes to folks who try to shit on the city, its denizens and especially its beloved Cubbies. Oh, and we don’t take kindly to anyone — especially well-known, high-profile Chicago businessmen — who diss the President of the United States who, um, also hails from Chicago. (NOTE: I’m not a baseball fan at all, but out of respect for my friends, I’ll hold off on my opinions about the sport & the Cubs.) The team is actually owned and run by two of  Joe Ricketts’s children — daughter Laura who’s active in the LGBT community and is a bundler for the Obama campaign; and her brother Tom, who’s the CEO of  Chicago/Boca Raton, FLA. investment bank, Incapital LLC and is a director of TD Ameritrade Holding Corporation (father Joe founded the company). In 2006, the other brother, Peter Ricketts ran for US Senate in Nebraska against incumbent Democrat Ben Nelson on the anti-gay marriage, anti-LGBT and anti-abortion train. Mr. Ricketts was soundly defeated.

UPDATE: 4:25 PM, PT. I forgot about Todd Ricketts. Here’s his bio, thanks to Deadspin.com:

“Todd Ricketts, the cool one: Todd’s 42, the baby of the family. He’s on the board of the Cubs. He lives in Chicago. He jokingly called himself “the rebellious one” because he didn’t attend University of Chicago for undergrad—he went to Loyola University—and he dropped out of U of C’s Booth business school before he finished his MBA. But as far as Ricketts siblings go, he’s got cultural cred. He did an episode of Undercover Boss. He owns some bike shops and picks his kids up from school on a bike. He’s on the Ameritrade board, but he’s only on one committee. He gave a little money to three Republicans—Mitt Romney and Illinois Reps. Bobby Schilling and Adam Kinzinger—but he hasn’t run for office.”

I watched as Mayor Rahm Emanuel did his best to control himself as he spoke to the media about the Ricketts’s-backed plan:

“I don’t think that’s fitting in a campaign of any nature,” Emanuel said. “You can have disagreements without being disagreeable.”

“America is too great a country with too great a future with the content they are talking about,” added the mayor. “And it’s insulting to the president, it’s insulting to the country.”

I’m surprised he showed such restraint, but I bet behind closed doors he was swearing like a longshoreman, or like my mother, or let’s face it — LIKE ME.

And, I love the fact that Mr. Emanuel refused to speak with Cubs Chairman Tom Ricketts when he phoned the mayor.

There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with Mr. Obama or with anyone for that matter. It’s our right as Americans to voice our dissent — it’s the most patriotic act one can do — short of joining the military. Also, disagreeing with Mr. Obama and his policies does not make one a racist. That argument doesn’t have legs anymore. It’s reactionary and all it does is cause people to shut down. It’s a classic turd-stirrer and counterproductive.

I don’t agree with all of his policies either. Racist? Fuck you & fuck no. I just happen to hate war and pandering to Wall Street and big oil, and screwing the environment — but hey, that’s just me.

However, what the Ricketts Plan was calling for was filled with vitriol and 4-year old arguments that don’t hold water anymore. We’re not that dumb, Mr. Ricketts, and all you did was show the world how desperate you and the Republican party are. Hiring a conservative, well-spoken blac radio host or media personality to go up against Mr. Obama? Paying black business leaders to say Mr. Obama’s bad for business? Aaaaand that’s not racist how?

Oh and yes, let’s dig up Rev. Wright since that was so successful the first time around when Hillary Clinton brought it up when she was running against Mr. Obama. If Mrs. Clinton couldn’t capitalize from it, then no one can.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright (source: mediaoutrage.wordpress.com)

What this shows is that truth no longer matters to the Republican party. Why aren’t the Republican leaders repudiating this plan? Mr. Romney gave a namby-pamby response some hours after being asked about it. I have a feeling while he was jetting to his next campaign stop, he was being re-programmed.

Let us not forget that Mr. Romney is a member of a church that isn’t exactly pro-minorities, pro-woman and hates gays.

Let us not forget that on Sean Hannity’s radio show back in February, Mr. Romney talked about the importance of bringing up Rev. Wright again since it was “obvious” to Mr. Romney that Mr. Obama was touting making America “less of a Christian nation.”

Plus, it’s been proven that Mr. Romney and Mr. Ricketts are pals and it wouldn’t surprise me if the soon-to-be-GOP candidate was well-aware of what the Super PAC was planning.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s gonna get real ugly on both sides before November.

Too bad Joe Ricketts didn’t have the forethought to dump that money into the Cubs.

QUESTION

When do we get to pee on Dana Loesch?

Seriously. Ms. Loesch may be attractive but she’s a dolt. A little unsolicited advice from McCrabass here — urinating on corpses is not what America is about. We’re not sore winners. Your horrible attitude will set this country back about 50 years — we don’t need that right now.

Show a little compassion — even for those you know so little about.