Five-Oh Things-Oh! 10/14/13

Alright, alright, I’m back so y’all can rest your sphincters.

1) It’s time to stop the madness that are Open Letters. First, Sinead sent one to Miley Cyrus for being all slutty, trampy and gauche. Then, I believe another celeb sent one to Ms. Cyrus too, but I don’t care that much to look up who it was.

The latest person to join the fray is Sufjan Stevens.

See, he felt his relevancy slipping, so he decided to send her one too. Celebrities are so insufferable sometimes, you know?

(via Entertainment Weekly)

(via Entertainment Weekly)

When I stopped icing my head that was paining due to all of the eye rolling I was doing about the ridiculous open letter phenom, I found THIS gem. Have I mentioned how much I love my fellow copy editors?

Via Vice.com

DEAR SUFJAN: A COPY EDITOR CORRECTS SUFJAN STEVENS’S OPEN LETTER TO MILEY CYRUS

“Singer-songwriter Sufjan Stevens wrote an open letter to Miley Cyrus, correcting the grammar in her new song, “#GetItRight.” A VICE editor has copy-edited and corrected Sufjan’s letter to Miley, further suggesting some reading he might enjoy.”

‘Tis a thing of beauty.

(via Vice)

(via Vice)

Or, click here for a better view.

2) Hey all you New Jersey GOP folks, you’re about as classy as a fart in church. Wink, wink–I love how you’re telling voters not to vote in the US Senate special election on Wednesday, October 16, but to arrive at the poling places on the 15th. Niiiiice. See, you’re not even doing it correctly–you’re supposed to tell the voters to show up the day after the election. Get it? That’s what y’all have done in the past! They’ll never learn. Just like how they’ll never learn that trickle-down economics won’t, and don’t, work. I’ve been following this race closely and it would behoove the Republican candidate, Steve Lonegan, to change his campaign slogan to “That’s Your Problem, Not Mine” because he really is that big of an asshole. While Democrat Cory Booker will probably win this thing, he might want to stay away from vegan strip clubs.

Gail Collins does a much better job at talking about this election, AND Gov. Christie here.

(Side note: When I grow up, I wanna be Gail Collins.)

3) Like the story says, just go with it. Camel toe knickers for me? Why didn’t I think of that??!?

(via Dangerous Minds)

(via Dangerous Minds)

 

4) It’s all about who you are–on the inside.

Hello Kitty Breast Implants: Because It’s What Inside That Counts

Yes, my three readers, you read that correctly: Hello Kitty Breast Implants. You don’t believe me? Feast your peepers.

(via Incredible Things)

(via Incredible Things)

 

5) Finally, just watch this. It’s hysterical. Make sure the sound is on too, and that you don’t have issues with the heavy Scottish brogue. I’m sure I could translate for you seeing that these are my people–for a price, of course.

You’re welcome.

 

Nocturnal Emissions

Insomnia sucks for the most part, but what it doesn’t suck at is getting me to gaze into the deep, dark crevasses that make up what’s left of my soul. Some nights I think of fluff — like fuzzy kittens, soap scum and sweaters made out of love, merino wool and sunshine.

Then, there are the nights when I can’t get the frightening images of acid wash jeans, people who insist on wearing PJs out in public, post-WW1 German porn and the Dave Matthews Band out of my noggin.

Tonight is no exception and here’s what’s rattling around in what’s left of my once-semi-brilliant mind.

1) When the first-time writer of a hit movie tells an interviewer that he/she just simply sat down with a “How To Write A Screenplay In One Weekend” book, and wrote that semi-literate–but funny celluloid sensation–they’re lying to you.

Here’s what really happened: The studio wanted to work with this person because they’re popular and funny. So, these clueless execs buttered them up, then asked them for an idea and maybe a rough draft of a script. Upon first the reading, the must-hire D-girl who’s fucking the junior exec, quickly learned that this particular popular person is much better at doing late-night sketch comedy. Ahem–mum’s the word, see. So, the studio then hires a team of script doctors (at about $200k a pop) et voila–hit movie!

2) While I’m on the Hollywood trip, here’s another tidbit: When an actor/actress/singer thanks their assistant in their Oscar/Golden Globes/Emmy/Grammy acceptance speech, they’re really thanking their drug dealer. True story.

3) Bulimia never, ever goes away–it just manifests itself in other forms–like the urge to dye one’s hair purple, or start a blog, or build the original Roman Empire out of unused tampons.

4) Naming your children the correct name is vital to their future. Adorning them with monikers like Brittany, Tiff’ny, Zephyr, Madison, Schylur/Skylar, or Savannah, well, they’re bound to grow up to be total assholes, and will either yank their puds for money or spend a lot of time spinning nekkid around a steel pole at a dank truckstop bar on the interstate. I can’t believe that unimaginative parents in this country feel the need to sully the awesome reputations of two of my favorite cities by naming their sub-mental spawn “Madison/Madysun” or “Savannah” because both names are “unusual.” Get over yourselves because you’re only doing your kids a disservice by bestowing them with awful names. Stick with the classics.

5) If you insist on naming one of your kids Marquis, at least have the fucking sense to pronounce it correctly–it’s “Markee” not “Markwiss.”

6) The more I think about it, the more I believe that Stalin was just misunderstood.

7) Write Yiddish and cast British. Never fails. Ever.

8) Once I deem you to be a douchebag, there’s no way to recover. It’s just best to move on and realize that me calling you a douchebag is actually a gift–a kick in the ass of sorts–to get you to fix your douchebagness. Trust me on this–I’m a damn good judge of character.

9) OJ did it.

10) I’ve said this before, but there is no such thing as a social media/content management guru. If you introduce yourself to me as a social media/content management guru–and say it with a straight face–well, you’re about to be called a word that rhymes with schmoucheschmag. Gurus can only be found in ashrams in India, by the way.

11) My god–I love peonies.

12) You know, that rug really DID pull the room together.

13) I can really see a future with this gentleman. He’s all sorts of secksy in his thong, and not to mention his pathway to adventure, which has me a-quivering by the way.

Picture 3Is that a cat?

14) There’s nothing wrong with nom-nomming on chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting for breakfast, lunch and dindin. But you must realize that stuffing your face with all that chocolate goodness will cause you to resemble a mutant hamhock after about a day of this diet. Never fear monkehs–that’s why god invented eating disorders.

15) Everyone should own this album.

ffym

For those of you who have difficulty reading the above image, it’s Ben Harper’s “Fight For Your Mind.” It’s haunting, sensual and beautifully produced.

One of my fave songs ever–

You’re welcome.

16) Elvis is king–Costello, not Presley. Puh-leeze–I’ve never cared for that drug-addled twat.

 

 

 

Smock the Monkey

This is the story of the year. I’m surprised y’all can’t hear me cackling because it.. it…is just so damn funny and RANDOM.

Monkey found roaming Toronto Ikea

Not that unusual, I know, especially in this day and age. Perhaps the Gawker hed is more telling:

Shearling Coat-Wearing Monkey Found Wandering Around Canadian Ikea

(courtesy gawker.com)

(courtesy gawker.com)

Turns out the monkeh was left in the car whilst his owners went into the Toronto Ikea to buy cheap-ass furniture and probably dine on Swedish meatballs for a dollar. I’m thinkin’ the critter got bored, and since monkeys are fuckloads smarter than most humans, he opened the car door whilst muttering obscenities under his monkeh breath, climbed out of the car and into the cold parking lot while pulling his coat tighter around him and hiking up his Huggehs for Monkehs to avoid drippage. He then followed the rest of the huddled masses into the country that is Ikea.

Fortunately for security cameras and folks with smartphones, his journey was caught for us to enjoy as well. The monkeh is fine, according to officials.

I have a feeling that the monkeh had an easier time of figuring out how to put Ikea furniture together than his owners did.

Cathmandont

(courtesy mnn.com)

Since I’m in some sort of unemployed holding pattern from hell, I’ve been thinking of ways to spice up my life. You know, give my life some ummph, and make my daily life a bit funky.

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be the quirky broad on the street by either painting my car neon orange or by setting up a home for wayward squirrels, or by ceasing the whole practice of bathing altogether. hmm. Then it hit me–I’ll get a leopard! Yes! A big, spotted kitteh with meaty paws and a jaw that could snap an elephant’s leg. I’ve even been going over possible names for my new minion–Roderick, Pancho, Gus or Gwendolyn. And, I’ve spent more than a few hours researching beds, scratching posts, BIG litter boxes and fainting couches online for my new pet. I’ve even spoken with a few pre-schools and looked into Head Start programs around the city. It was all very encouraging and my excitement was starting to grow.

All was well in the dome, until I read this.

From CNN.

Leopard suspected of eating 15 people in Nepal

(OOPS.)

Kathmandu, Nepal (CNN)A ferocious leopard may have killed 15 people in Nepal in a 15-month span, its latest victim a 4-year-old boy that the creature dragged away into the jungle to eat.

The head of boy was found in the forest a kilometer from his home Saturday morning, said Kamal Prasad Kharel, the police chief of the Baitadi district, an area about 600 kilometers (373 miles) west of Kathmandu.

The grisly discovery, which came after teams of people searched for the child, marks the 15th victim in the past 15 months in that remote district in western Nepal.

The police chief suspects that a single man-eating leopard is responsible for the deaths. If not, there are at most two of the man-eating creatures around, he believes.

Maheshwor Dhakal, an ecologist at the Department of National Parks and Wildlife Conservation in Kathmandu, agreed that it is unusual to find more than one or two man-eating animals in one area. Most leopards live on wild prey.

More human victims could also be expected if there were more than one or two man-eaters around, he said.

“Since human blood has more salt than animal blood, once wild animals get the taste of salty blood they do not like other animals like deer,” Dhakal said.

Kharel said he feared the actual number of people killed by the leopard could be higher than 15, because others have lost their life to leopard attacks in Uttarkhand state in northern India, which borders Baitadi district.

“It could be the same leopard,” he said.

Of the 15 victims in Nepal so far, two-thirds are children below the age of 10. The others are older children and a 29-year-old woman who had gone to collect fodder for domestic animals in the nearby forest, a common practice in Nepal.

“No adult male has been killed,” Kharel said.

All the victims are from villages bordering the dense forests in the district, he said.

After killing its victim, the leopard takes the body away into the forest to eat.

“In the case of the children it just leaves behind the head, eating everything, but some parts of the adult body are left behind because it cannot finish it,” Kharel added.

The district administration has announced a Rs. 25,000 (about $300) reward to anyone who captures or kills the leopard.

The local administration has sought to raise public awareness of the dangers of going alone into nearby forests and has mobilized the police, armed police force and local people who have licensed guns to hunt for the animal.

Controlling this particular leopard has been a challenge for the wildlife officials in Kathmandu.

“We are sending a veterinary doctor to the district to understand the situation,” Dhakal, the ecologist, said. “There is no alternative but to kill the leopard.”

The chief district administrator has granted permission for this particular leopard to be killed. Normally, it is illegal to kill wild animals.

Leopards are common in the low mountain areas, as compared to the high Himalayas, across the country.

While cases of leopards killing domestic animals are common, and there are sometimes instances of leopards killing people in Nepal, this case is “extreme,” Dhakal said.

Fuuuuuck–another grand idea squashed.

So this big kitteh has been wreaking havoc in Nepal for 15 months. So far he has killed 15 people. Hey, in new math that’s about 1 person a month. Not a bad record if you ask me.

Who knows why this leopard is all about killing his fellow Nepalese, but I believe it’s because he likes nom nomming on human flesh, and is just plain fed up with giving lost hikers directions to Mt.Everest.

The Daily SQUEEE!

Fuck a duck, I love owls.

They’re the coolest birds on earth. Not only can they kick your ass, they can really kick your ass. Then, they’ll turn around and kick it again just for shits and hoots.

Owls are also the nerds of the forest. Put some glasses on them and they’ll solve the world’s problem with one swipe of their talons after they’ve shat out last night’s meal of vole and garter snake. They’re that awesome.

Oh and they’re adorable.

In honor of the upcoming US Open, here you go…

Your Daily SQUEEE!

Let’s GOOOO!

It’s Monday.

Or as my hero Elvis Costello would say “Welcome to the Working Week.”

Mondays for me are a reminder of my soul-killing unemployment. Each one that passes is yet another nail in my I’ll-never-find-a-full-time-job-coffin.

Mondays are also the start of my weekly ritual of conjuring up possible revenue-inducing plans. I start with sketching out how a meth lab could work in my kitchen. I have the room and the time, so why the hell not? Oh wait…I need to lose a few teefus FIRST and scatter some dirty chirrun with full diapers and mange about the place for the full effect. That dream quickly dies, however, when I harken back to the investigative story I did years ago about meth, the sorry state of this nation’s drug policy and the ridiculous mandatory minimums for small-time offenders. But this is a rant for another post–maybe–if I’m up for it.

On a happier note, Mondays give me hope too, whether it is through an interesting job lead in my in-box OR something completely different.

Like this.

Oh. Mah. Gawd.

How fucking cute are those bunnies?

I think it’s time the IOC looks at Kaninhoppning as a possible Olympic sport.