Aww…what a nice mama!

We all know my history with spiders. I’ve mentioned it before here, here and in many a-conversation.

Apparently, spiders are like humans when it comes to carrying their bebehs around. You don’t believe me? Well, you’ll see soon enough.

From Gizmodo.

This Horrifying Spider Is The Only One That

Carries Her Babies Like a Human Mother


No, no no no no no no no no no no n o n o NO NO NO NOOOOOO I did NOT just read that headline. That’s total bullshit. No way. Even opening and closing my eyes real fast, and doing Jell-O shots did not clear that headline from my noggin.

So, I kept reading because I’m an emotional cutter.

“If there’s an image that summarizes my idea of complete horror, this is it: a wolf spider carrying dozens of babies on her back. It’s the only spider in the world that does this.

It’s also the only spider that carriers her eggs in a round silken globe attached to her abdomen, like a human would carry a growing baby. After a gestation of 9 to 27 days—it varies depending on the temperature—the eggs hatch and the infant spiders move onto the mother’s back until they are old enough to hunt on their own.”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkk… my skin is starting to crawl.

Don’t believe me?? Here’s A VIDEO OF THIS ARACHNID.

“These spiders are all around the world, billions of individuals living in gardens everywhere. They are voracious predators, roaming the soil under the ground looking for other spiders and insects to eat. Sometimes, they wander into houses.

When I was living in Miami I had an encounter with one of these wolf spiders, one that was burned into my retina. I remember the hairy bastard walking down the rug of my bedroom, my girlfriend screaming, me using a shoe to kill it and then what I remember being two hundred thousand little spiders running everywhere. Then I screamed more than my girlfriend—because I hate spiders like that. [Spirderzrule—Thanks Karl!]”

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find a hermitically sealed abode that has lots of booze, chocolate and porn. But no spiders. Peace out.

Things not mundane

I’m under the weather mentally and physically, but I came across a few gems that I must weigh in on.

First and foremost, why would anyone want this man holding this nation’s highest office when he has such contempt for women and his fellow, less financially fortunate Americans? Let’s put aside, for a moment, how incredibly dumb he is about all things presidential, and focus on how much of a misogynistic choad he is. The sexual harassment accusations aside, there’s this lil’ quip about former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

From the New York Times:

“While answering a question at the Republican presidential debate Wednesday night, the candidate referred dismissively to Representative Nancy Pelosi, the House Democratic leader, as “Princess Nancy.”

His campaign sent the quip out on Twitter almost immediately, to drive home the point in case anybody had missed it. But the public response was not as the campaign might have expected.”

I must preface this by saying I’m not a huge fan of Nancy Pelosi’s — I think she’s okay, and her accomplishments are to be commended, but sometimes her demeanor is a bit to be desired. However, Mr. Cain was way out of line with his poorly thought out joke. The last sentence above speaks volumes– it shows the arrogance and mind-numbing ignorance of his campaign staff. I’m not surprised his campaign expected different results from Mr. Cain’s comment since they’re a direct reflection of him. I know that Mr. Cain referred to Speaker Pelosi as a princess on his radio show in the past, and that speaks volumes on his lack of political knowledge and how he’s completely unfit to run for any type of public office. Then, there was his comment about Anita Hill.

Pathetic, but not as pathetic as those who find Mr. Cain’s comments acceptable. It’s time for the boor to go, and leave the comedy and gummint work to the pros. He’s not even fit to clean up after Gallagher.

Now, let’s have some fun!

More on my fascination with spiders.

From the Mother Nature Network & LiveScience:

Underwater spider uses air bubble as oxygen tank

My heart just skipped a beat. I read that headline again just now and am now in need of a nitroglycerin spray in me mouth.

Om shanti shanti .. om.. Much better now. Good thing the vodka bottle is within reach too.

“The only spider to spend almost all of its life underwater creates a bubble of air in its web, which actually extracts oxygen from the surrounding water. This allows the spiders to stay in their aquatic webs for more than a day at a time.”

Super. Just super. So, I could be swimming along some day in my local swimmin’ hole and have a run in with one of these lil’ cretins.

Hey aqualung ...


“Like eight-legged scuba divers, some spiders can breathe underwater using an air bubble as an oxygen tank of sorts. Now, scientists have figured out some of the fascinating details of this arachnid diving bell, including that it can give the spiders more than a day’s worth of air.

While scientists knew diving bell spiders (Argyroneta aquatica) — spanning just 10 to 15 millimeters in length — used an air bubble to breathe underwater in lakes and ponds, this is the first study that measures exactly how that happens and calculates how long the spider could stay underwater before resurfacing to replenish its bubble with fresh air.

We were surprised how low the oxygen in the bubble could get before the spiders venture to the surface,” study researcher Roger Seymour, of the University of Adelaide, told LiveScience.’ “

Before I continue on about the creepiness of this discovery, I gotta give these industrious arachnids some major props for learning how to freak people out not only on dry land, but underwater too! That’s a huge accomplishment! Snakes and other animals are capable of succeeding on the amphibious tour of terror, but for me, nothing is as cringe-inducing as a spider that can live on land and is capable of using an air bubble to chill out underwater for kicks. (Before you get all science-y on me, I’m well aware that spiders are not amphibians.)

“Diving bells

Seymour and Stefan Hetz from Humboldt University in Germany, brought diving spiders into the lab, placing them into tanks mimicking conditions of a stagnant pond on a hot summer’s day — revealing how the animals fare in extreme, low-oxygen conditions.

Immediately, most of the spiders constructed webs between the pondweeds and aquarium sides. Then each spider came to the surface to collect a large air bubble held between the hydrophobic (water-repelling) hairs on its abdomen and its rear legs. Webbing was placed around the lower sides of this gas chamber, which the spiders entered from the bottom.

Some spiders created chambers just large enough to enclose their abdomens, leaving their rears and rear legs hanging out; others had larger bubbles that enclosed their entire bodies. 

Blah blah blah blah… these animals fare well in extreme, low-oxygen conditions. Blah blah..hoo hoo haa… and can construct webs between pondweeds and aquarium sides. Tweedle tweedle tweedle … blah blah … the air chambers leave their asses and hind legs sticking out …. eww…so kinky. Spider ass in the air say ho! HO! Woot! Woot!

Before you get all up in here, there’s more. This’ll bring you down to Earth.

For instance, the spiders would enlarge the bubble by laying down more web and adding air before pulling just-snagged prey into the chamber.

Tiny sensors measured oxygen levels inside the bubbles and in the surrounding water, finding that the spiders extracted oxygen from the water as if it were a gill; the sensors also showed that the spiders could survive on very low oxygen levels.”

They just had to go talk about huntin’ & killin’ prey in their chambers no less.

<shudder> Aaaaand I’m done with the underwater spider–even though there’s plenty of material in this article.

Luxury sex toys anyone?

I’d be allll over these if I had some disposable income AND kinked-out friends. This particular item caught my eye because I believe it has multipurpose uses. I could wear it for my next job interview, then maybe when I go out to Trader Joe’s to give the uppity Lakeview denizens something to envy. The silver unicorn butt plug is great for awakening your inner-wizard or mystic or whatever you kids are into these days. I’m just speculating here since wizards and the lot are too middle Earth for me. I have a tough enough time dealing with the real Earth, why would I want to waste time imagining life with hobbits and their creepy feet?

This looks good.

Finally, an OWS sign I can get behind.







Huntsman (spider) for President

Once upon a time, I was bit* by a Black Widow Spider.


I remember feeling like the skin around the bite was melting as if I had been splashed with acid. I remember sweating and having mild hallucinations whilst lying in a Los Angeles emergency room with a big-ass IV pumping fluids and a spider-venom nullifier into my veins . I remember feeling like hammered shit for about a week afterwards.

What this horrid little creature did was give me a newfound respect for arachnids. You’re probably thinking, “McCrabby, that’s cray-cray. You respect spiders after being bitten by one of most dangerous breeds ever to creep and crawl on the Earth? You need help, MACHT SCHNELL!”


From that moment forward, I didn’t smash spiders with fancy footwear; I didn’t shoo them out of my house; I didn’t sic the cats on them and I didn’t spray them with DDT. I followed the “live and let live” mantra. After all, the Chinese say that spiders bring good luck and shouldn’t be sacrificed. Uh huh.

Then, I was introduced to the Huntsman Spider.

The stuff that nightmares are made of.

Wait..the above photo doesn’t show the sheer fucking size of this beast.

This one’s better.

No one will hear you scream.

From what I’ve read, these arachnids live mainly in Australia. Not even in this hemisphere! Yee-fuckin’ ha! We’re safe! Whooopeee! Those big, ugly spiders CAN’T HURT US! Yesssssssss! We’re free, free, FREEEEEE!

Not so fast, McCrabby…

However, more digging brought creepy, sad news.

A version of the Huntsman has been found in Florida. Of course–IN FLORIDA. AMERICA’S WANG. Or, as my friend Squatty calls it the “Nation’s Dicktip.” You’d think that for once, FOR ONCE, Florida would give the rest of the country a break, but noooo! Florida couldn’t stop after unleashing George W. Bush on us. Nope. Or Marco Rubio. Or Gov. Rick Scott. (In all fairness though, all three men have given comedy writers comedy gold for years–even at the expense of this country’s sanity.)

This meaty spider just had to migrate there and set up shop. Greedy bastard. Probably wants free health care — yep. Probably is the first in line at the Early Bird Special each day and he hogs all the chocolate pudding too. Wanker. Probably has horrid table manners and takes his teef out to scare the grandkids who visit their meemaws and peepaws.

At least the arachnid Huntsman is a lot more interesting than the dull Huntsman.

*not my arm in the photo