Just in time for Valentine’s Day …

For those who want to eat ass, without actually eating ass…

I present The Edible Anus!

Now, you too can eat ass that is not only tasty, but is free of that troublesome fecal matter.

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This is a most tasty treat, it’s probably as good as crack too! Just remember that after eating, you wipe your mouth very carefully, then wipe it one more time…front to back. Ingredients include ‘traces of nuts and milk protein’… and probably corn.

If you don’t buy ’em, you’re a butthole bigot.

But in all fairness, it probably tastes like ass though.

And on that note, I’m off. I’m a little behind in my day, so toodles!

(h/t to Brian, Amy, Lori, Leigh, Pete, Elliot, Bob and the Internets for inspiration.)

Five Things, The Damaged Shoulder Edition: 1/15/14

So, I done gone and dislocated my right shoulder. I spent a few hours in a Chicago ER crying and writhing in pain–totally being ignored by ‘the best health care in the world.’ Not good. After a fentanyl drip, two batches of x-rays and being “out” when the docs jammed my shoulder back where it belongs, I finally went home. You’d think that would be it, but NO. It wasn’t until after I got home some 6 hours after I was wheeled into the busy ER, that I realized my left arm was seriously injured (have a bruise that looks like an eggplant), and I had contracted a nasty case of frost bite….yes, FROST BITE.. on my left hand.

Frost bite? Where am I? Mt. Everest?

Over the next few days, the shoulder pain turned into to a dull ache, and the pain of the frost bite and bruised arm came roaring in. Sure, I had good drugs, but I can’t handle the strong stuff. Hey, I have a hard enough time maintaining control of all four limbs without big pharma..why would I want to dull my senses and possibly bust my noggin?

While it is better, I am treating myself to an MRI on Friday, so when I meet with my bone doc next week, I’ll know if surgery is the answer or a bionic arm.

I’m going for the bionic arm because fuck yeah.

On with the show.

1) It’s 111 degrees on the Australian Open courts. 

Yaroslava Shvedova of Kazakhstan receives treatment by trainers during her first round match against Sloane Stephens of the U.S. at the Australian Open tennis championship in Melbourne, Australia, Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014.(AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

Yaroslava Shvedova of Kazakhstan receives treatment by trainers at the Australian Open tennis championship, Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014.(AP Photo/Aaron Favila)

2) While we’re on the subject of tennis, I’d be happy to de-crampify either of these gentlemen’s asses should they start to feel the heat down there.

The Ass Master: Roger Federer (via Men's Tennis Forum)

The Ass Master: Roger Federer (via Men’s Tennis Forum)

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Rafa Nadal’s good side.

Even when Rafa’s picking his seat, it’s still sexy.

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3) Folks, we gotta figure out a way to keep society from sliding down Crap Mountain.

Sadly, this ain’t helping.

“Men Want to Wear [Leggings], And That’s A Fact!” Say Meggings Man Owners

No, no they don’t. Men don’t want to wear something that’ll make them look like a Ken doll.

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Unless you’re running down the … No. No. These aren’t appropriate ever.

 

4) She’s my idol.

Great Great Grandma Celebrates Turning 100 By Hiring a Stripper

(via Gawker)

(via Gawker)

She rolls hard. With a tiara.

Go Granny!

5) Here’s some food for thought: If an owl was really attacking you, you’d know it.

Multiple owl attacks reported in Springfield

Bored owls are fun owls!

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A hiatus from Bikram + odd food choices = A combo platter of crap

“Have mercy baby” — the opening lyrics from the song “Descender” by the Black Crowes were rolling through my noggin this morning as I prepped for my first Bikram class in about a month. I was looking for mercy from the Bikram gods because I had a feeling my return was gonna be a bumpy one. Why it took me so long to get back into it isn’t much of a mystery. But the main reason is laziness, and perhaps the brutal heat that enveloped this city the last few weeks. I just wasn’t in the mood to voluntarily go bend, stretch and pull in a 110-degree room when all I had to do was just walk outside. Why bother? It was easier to sit in the AC and read.

Only one of the regulars was in the morning class. The rest were strangers and it makes me wonder if the regulars are taking the summer off. There was a new teacher too. Some dude named Alan. He was good, a little lacking in the yap-yap area, but he proved he was paying attention when he said my Standing Bow was “awesome.” That made my awareness of the crap leaching from my pores less nauseating. Yes, I could feel all of the bad food choices I made over the past month leaving from my system in a very ugly manner. Also, a quick glance in the mirror showed that my face was a titch puffier than the last time I was in class, but knowing how my body works, that puffiness will be no more in about a week. My cheekbones will be jutting out again soon. Too bad my ass is already jutting out — and not in a good way. It’s not quite like hers, yet, but it could be if I don’t do something about it soon. I have no desire to have a shelf-butt. Sure, I’d be popular at parties, but, is having a shelf-butt a McCrabass trait?

Don’t answer that.

Post-class I noticed both my balance and flexibility were still intact. I breathed a huge sigh of relief because it took so damn long to get them thar traits back on track.

‘Tis the little things, really.