Five Things-Seen Some Strange Shit Edition: 4/24/14

I have seen some strange shit during my time here on Earth. Yes, I’m well aware that others have seen/witnessed/experienced some either stranger shit too, but I’m not talking about them.

Now, when I was a teen, I did stupid shit too…cow tipping, stealing road signs, drinking bad beer and hanging out in Jack Conner’s basement whilst listening to “Dark Side of the Moon,” and sneaking into Chicago at the tender age of 14 to see the Clash when I was *really* at a sleep-over at a friend’s house. Ahem.

Some of our actions were dumb (many aren’t named here to protect the innocent/me), but we never did this crap.

Talk about some ill shit…

1) Could be time to ban Burt’s Bees.

Teens get new BUZZ from beeswax lip balm

(via WKRC/Gawker)

“WKRC in Cincinnati reports that kids like the tingling sensation they get from using beeswax lipbalm not as prescribed, because it enhances the experience of being drunk or high.

“It’s the peppermint oil that’s causing the burning sensation and I suppose some people think that is kind of funny,” Dr. Brett Cauthen of Oklahoma City’s Today Clinic speculated to WKRC. 

Beezin’ isn’t all burning sensations and giggles, though. Cauthen warns it could lead to inflammation in the eye, redness of the eye, or swelling.

But is this mildly irritating trend for real? The evidence to consider includes an Urban Dictionary entry posted in 2010 (tracing it back to Colby College), a 2013 music video by a New Jersey “comedian musician” who writes “parodies,” and a few YouTube videos of kids trying beezin’ for themselves.”

It’s probably a hoax, but let’s ban the shit out of Burt’s Bees anyway. Why? Just cuz.

2) I’ve semi-enjoyed illegal substances from time to time, and I’ve witnessed plenty of folks doing all sorts of illegal ill shit, but this..well..it takes the fucking cake.

 

Vermont library locking public restrooms because needles are clogging the drains

Burlington’s Fletcher Free Library has also had issues with other kinds of drug paraphernalia.
(via UPI)
(via UPI)

(via UPI)

A Vermont library is locking the doors on its public restrooms — and it’s not because people are bringing in books to read on the toilet.

Burlington’s Fletcher Free Library is putting its restrooms on lockdown after having problems with hypodermic needles and other drug paraphernalia clogging the drains.

Once locksmiths complete the transition, patrons will have to trade their library card or ID for a bathroom key.

“We’re hoping to have this done by the end of the week, as soon as the locksmith can do the work,” head librarian Rubi Simon told the Burlington Free Press.

Despite the nature of the items that have been causing the clogging, Simon said there was no evidence that drugs were being used in the bathrooms or anywhere else in the library.

“Fortunately, we caught it early enough so there was no damage to the bathrooms,” Simon said.

After reading about needles in drains, I prefer this scenario instead.

 

3) This dingus lost all credibility after claiming he’s a ‘sovereign citizen’ and ‘doesn’t recognize the U.S. government’ after he was pictured waving an American flag. Oh, then there’s the whole ‘I’m not paying grazing fees because fuck you.’
You, Cliven Bundy, are an idiot AND a criminal for not paying your grazing fees. The gov’t ain’t being ‘tyrannical,’ you are. He’s going after everyone now…calling those who live in subsidized housing ‘freeloaders’ even though he and his cattle have been doing it for years.

You’re not a patriot, Mr. Bundy. You’re an asshole.

At first, conservatives were actually siding with this guy. Conservatives who represent us. They agreed with him, until it their minions figured out that agreeing with a domestic terrorist might hurt their chances at snagging the White House in 2016.

“Here’s a comment from Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.), who has also been supportive of Bundy’s cause: “His remarks on race are offensive and I wholeheartedly disagree with him.”  (via WaPo)

Uh huh…riiiight, Mr. Paul. You know, if it walks like a duck ….

 

4) OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Mother gives birth to 14.5-pound baby at Massachusetts General Hospital

Carisa Ruscak was the biggest baby to be born at Massachusetts General Hospital in more than a decade.
I don’t know what else to say. 
5) Just because it’s gross, doesn’t mean it’s news. (via LA Times)

Ikea will soon serve vegetarian and chicken versions of its Swedish meatballs

Question: Do people actually go to IKEA for the food?? Really? Why? There are so many fine restaurants surrounding all IKEAs so why eat there? I’d like to hear from those who go to IKEA to eat. Please. I do wanna know, and I’ll try my hardest not to mock you.

 

 

China Syndrome

First, some business. For those of you who missed it, I was on Chicago Public Radio’s “The Morning Shift” on August 16th discussing my article about Vivian Maier’s copyright. You can hear my dulcet tones if you so desire. 

Oh, and accept no substitutes for my story. In this case, I don’t consider plagiarism a form of flattery. It’s quite the opposite, really.

Onward.

And we’re off!

My fellow Americans, China is kicking our ass when it comes to odd news. It’s embarrassing, but not surprising since China is the largest country on Earth. Odds are with the Chinese that they’re gonna have weird shit happen in their homeland, not just on a daily basis, but hourly too.

A big hat tip to ChinaSMACK for these stories. And to the Chinese for being as weird and whacky as the rest of the humans here.

Nurse in Hunan Tapes Sign to Newborn’s Face: ‘Lump of Shit’

(photo courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(photo courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

First, I’d love to write the heds for this publication. I liken it to writing for the Chinese version of the New York Post or The Weekly World News.

When baby Hao Hao was born in June, his parents couldn’t be happier. He’s a male baby born in China after all! China IS the country that’s beaming with pride over its zero population growth, scorn for baby girls, one child policy, and sky-high abortion rate. So, when wee Hao Hao suddenly got sick, it was discovered that one of the nurses had an issue with the wee Asian bairn, and decided to inject him with something that caused him to hemorrhage. You know that’s bad, right? At some point after the injection, to the baby shitting hisself and getting sicker and sicker, the nurse taped the “Lump of shit” note on his noggin. According to the nurse, it was all a big, fat egg roll of a misunderstanding. Turns out, Chinese nurses dig on taping obnoxious notes on one another — you know– to pass the time before they’re forced to return to their gulag-esque living quarters. The baby got in the way and the rest is history. Gotta get your laughs somewhere I guess. Who knew that was even possible in China.

Civil Servant at Work Leaves Phone Off the Hook, Eats Pear

Well, a gal’s gotta eat sometimes.

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

‘Being 30 and Unmarried Should be Illegal and Punished!’

There are over a billion people in China, and they couldn’t find anything else to report on?

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

Not being married by a certain age is one of the few lifestyle choices that is not illegal in China. According to legal experts, what this old man was yammering about is a ‘moral issue.’

That settles it then.

Edward Snowden should be thrilled he’s not Chinese.

Oops.

And…

Schoolboys Use Their Shadows to Shade Girls From Hot Sun

My fave sub head in this story: Boys praised as usually being naughty, but having a sense of responsibility at the key moment

It’s hot in China is August, so the normally naughty boys at this particular school, rose to the occasion and shaded their sweltering sisters from the blinding sun. 

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

(courtesy of ChinaSMACK)

Finally …

Government Cracks Down on Organized Online Rumormongering

Good luck getting through this graf. It’s one helluva sentence.

“Recently, Beijing police, in cooperation with the Ministry of Public Security and in accordance with reports by the masses, began prosecution according to the law to bring down an internet marketing company that deliberately manufactures and disseminates rumors maliciously infringing upon other people’s reputations in order to illegally reap economic benefit — Beijing Erma Interactive Marketing Planning Limited Company (hereinafter referred to as Erma Ltd), and has arrested Qin Zhihui (online name “秦火火” [literally “Qin Hot Hot”, suggesting the ability to make things popular], male, 30 years old, born in Hunan Province Hengnan County Xianghua Village, high school education, and former Erma Ltd employee), Yang Xiuyu (online name “立二拆四” [literally “erect two demolish four”], male, 40 years old, born in Jilin Province Baishan City Qidaojiang Town, and founder of Erma Ltd), and another 4 members of the company.”

I wanna know what exactly “Erect Two Demolish Four” is erecting then demolishing. Hmm.

 

 

The Daily Oops pt. 2

The mouth-breathing contingent is thrilled to know that their fab fave guidette, Snooki, has spewed forth from her cheap-beer/gin/Guido spooge soaked lady bits a wee Guido for all of world to see–whether we want to or not.

Mom.

Little Lorenzo Dominic DeValle entered this world around 3 AM Sunday, and now we have one more reason to continue celebrating mediocrity in this fine country.

Yee haa.

Cake baby

I just have to weigh in here. But first, I must preface this post with that fact I’ve written about such odd soon-to-be-parents & new parents behavior before.

This latest trend? I’m at a loss.

Well, not really.

From the NYT. God love ’em.

(The text has been edited for space.)

A Boy or Girl? Cut the Cake

“THE house was filled with balloons and confetti, the chips and artichoke spinach dip were ready, and the guests, about 25 of them, were decked out in team colors, ready to cheer. Minutes before the party kicked off, they eagerly cast votes on the outcome.

But this festive gathering, held recently at the Miami home of Carolina and Carl Marrelli, was not a Super Bowl celebration. The decorations were all in very un-N.F.L. pinks and powder blues, and the sides involved were “Team Boy” and “Team Girl.”

“Team Boy” and “Team Girl”? Oh, this has got put-me-out-of-my-misery-with-a-pointed-stick-that’s-been-dipped-in-a-raging-festering-herpes-sore written all over it.

Joe and Ashley Brickner found out they are expecting a daughter.

“This was a gender-reveal party, during which expectant parents share the moment they discover their baby’s sex, unveiling results of the ultrasound test among loved ones (often replaying the moment later on Facebook or other social media). It’s the rare surprise party that people can give for themselves.

Until recently a little-known practice, the concept is quickly becoming a pre-parenting custom, a dress rehearsal of sorts — or sometimes a replacement — for the baby shower. In a culture where many expectant parents feel obligated to tweet their pregnancy announcement, live-post their ride to the hospital via Instagram, and Skype the baby’s first smile, it’s the latest example of one of parenthood’s formerly private moments becoming a matter of public consumption.

In the last year alone, the number of gender-reveal party discussion threads on BabyCenter — one of the most popular Web sites for new parents, with 11 million visitors a month — has rocketed to 282, from 28, a spokeswoman for the site said.”

With the meteoric rise in the popularity of social media, people now feel that everyone who inhabits this rock and has Twitter, Facebook, Fuckbook, Tumblr, Google+ et al accounts, needs to be privy to every single thought (including the most mundane), movement, reaction, dirty image, achievement, puppy & kitty image, vidyas of babies giggling/wretching, song choice et cetera, et cetera, at the very moment these events happen — no matter what. What’s even more disturbing is there is an audience for these events — a very large one, in fact. Some folks are friends with the poster, but if you tweet your personal life and you don’t have your settings set to private, millions of fellow Twittererersss will be privy to that twitpic of little Milo crowning through a hastily done episiotomy. Yummo. Why is this happening? Is it ego run amok?

Are expecting parents the new media whores?

“On YouTube, the first video of such an event dates from 2008. It shows the expecting parents simply opening a sealed envelope containing the ultrasound results before friends and family.”

YouTube shoulda seen the future and outlawed the future. Fuckers.

“A handful followed in 2009 and 2010. But in the last six months, more than 1,800 gender-reveal videos were uploaded onto the site.

Parents typically arrange for the ultrasound technician to withhold the gender finding from them. The technician places the information Oscars-style in an envelope, which the couple might then deliver to a baker, who whips up a pink or blue cake, covering the telltale color with frosting. The couple discover the gender when they cut the cake amid shrieking in-laws and fluttering confetti.

“It gave us more time to cry, laugh, scream and just be free to celebrate with all of our hearts, rather than to be in some dark room with a total stranger,” said Ms. Marrelli, 34, who live-streamed her results (boy) and the cheering throng in her home to dozens of other friends and family members around the country.

I find it so hard to believe that anyone outside of the immediate family (and even this is a stretch) gives a fiddler’s fart about the sex of the baby. Just tell them where to send the gift and maybe they’ll stop by for the first time at Junior’s 10th birthday. And the real reason the in-laws are shrieking? Because they know that they’ll be asked to babysit all the god-damn time and won’t be able to offer any parenting advice because new parents these days know EVERYTHING.

Again — fuckers.

“It was a way to get everyone involved, and you experience this huge payoff after all the building anticipation,” said Brett Grayson, 28, a high school social-studies teacher in Irving, Tex., who can be seen getting misty-eyed in the video of the celebration he posted on YouTube. “I’m normally not emotional, but when I saw the pink cake, it was like a flash of me teaching her to drive and marrying her off.”

Let me paint a different, more realistic picture of what your darling daughter will turn out to be. First,  the over-programming you and your wife will inevitably do in your wee daughter’s first few years of life will turn her into a bitter, resentful 10-year old. By the time she’s 12 she will have stolen three cars; spent time on the high school lacrosse team’s stank-ass mattress they keep in the equipment closet for such situations, and plotting the demise of the entire honors program. How do I know this? It’s science.

“Creative decorating tips for the parties have popped up on design blogs, and handmade knickknacks for gender-reveal parties are sold on Etsy shops (one seller offers pink and blue question-mark-shaped lollipops, 12 for $15).

Ashley (0f course) Brickner, a fashion marketing teacher and expectant mother in Virginia Beach, found out about the concept a few months ago, when she ran across ideas for festive décor on Pinterest.

So she and her husband, Joe, held their own party a few weeks ago. Since they each come from large families who live nearby, it just seemed natural, they said, to make this private moment public, particularly in an age when the family is likely to get updates on the baby’s development on Facebook.

You know, folks, you there isn’t a law that says you must tell every sordid detail about bebeh’s development on the Facebook. You can keep it to yourself and maybe do something a titch more productive like bullying your friends into having an over-the-top baby shower for you and 100 of your nearest and dearest. Just a thought.

“They’re going to be very much a big part of the baby’s life, so we thought it was just a cool way to incorporate them,” said Ms. Brickner, 28, whose cake was pink.”

Shit howdy, they just want the cake, not the expectations that come along with noshing on it.

“In rare cases, the gender-reveal party turns into a comic misfire, like the video of the Woodall party last year in Kentucky, at which it became clear the baker had given them the wrong cake: it was white inside. (“Epic fail!” a male voice booms in the background.)”  I bet he sued everyone in that bakery and put contracts out on the future children of the owners, the landlord’s family, the suppliers, the people who drive the supplies to the bakery, the people who breathe the air around and inside the bakery — you get the idea.

At increasingly popular parties, a baby’s gender is revealed via pink- or blue-colored cake.

Carl and Carolina Marrelli live-streamed their party.

Toni White

A pink shoe in the cake signified a girl is due.

“Donna Vela, who owns Little Angel Announcements, an online stationery store, said she began getting requests for gender-reveal party invitations about a year ago and now gets several orders a day.

“I think it goes with today’s Facebook generation that shares everything with everybody,” Ms. Vela said.

Indeed, Brooke Flatt, 24, sent out invitations on Facebook to the gender-reveal party she gave in February at Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst in New Jersey, where she lives with her husband, Airman First Class Bryan Flatt, 26.

“It was an excuse to throw a party,” said Ms. Flatt, who streamed the event live on Ustream for relatives in Mississippi. “We had cocktail food and I gave out cards for people to guess the weight, hair color and eye color for me to put in a scrapbook.”

The cake, which turned out to have pink icing between the layers, was decorated on the outside with bumblebees and the message: “What will it bee?”

Buddy Valastro, the host of the “Cake Boss” television show on TLC and the owner of Carlo’s Bake Shop in Hoboken, N.J., says that he makes several gender-reveal cakes a month, which cost $100 to $1,000.

“Some people go crazy and want something totally elaborate,” he said, such as multitiered cakes with startlingly lifelike fondant babies on top. “I think it’s a cool way for people to find out what they’re having.”

But Greg Allen, 44, a filmmaker in New York who also writes a blog for new fathers called daddytypes.com, said he found the trend baffling.

“Creating drama around your baby’s gender seems so staged and fake,” said Mr. Allen, who found out the sexes of both his children the comparatively old-fashioned way: with his wife in a sonogram examination room. “The whole connection of cutting into the cake to find out, like it’s a stand-in for the uterus, is sort of sickening.”

Oh, I just fell in love with this man. But, now I want some uterus cake. What’s that? Oh right. Fucker.

Kimberly Wageman, 37, of Richland, Wash., avoided this association by having guests at her gender-reveal party bite into cupcakes, which had dollops of blue icing inside. Her baby boy, now 6 months, was her third child.

I’m sorry — she had a party for her third pregnancy?

“The first one, we found out the sex when we had the ultrasound, the second we waited until she was born and the third we had a gender reveal,” said Ms. Wageman, a stay-at-home mom. “I couldn’t say which was best because they were all such unique experiences.”

I hope that someday these folks will consider not over-sharing to be a ‘unique experience.’

Knit one, pussy two

I need to learn how to knit.

Sadly, it’s a civic duty these day since some of our esteemed lawmakers are taking it upon themselves to decide what us gals can do with our breeding parts. Some liken us to farm animals, others want us to watch an abortion before we make that wrenching (read: personal) yet LEGAL DECISION to have one and finally, others want to limit our access to birth control.

(Side note: what the fuck is wrong with Arizona?) 

Apparently we’re no better than cattle and other four-legged creatures that inhabit farms n’ shit.

What does this have to do with knitting you ask? Earlier, I came across this brilliant plan.

The Snatchel Project

Let’s make a uterus or VJJ for each male rep in congress!

The idea behind this is simple and genius: Keep the government out of our lady parts, but if you feel you must play around with our uteri, why here’s one of your own! It’s soft, and kinda pretty and informative — and the one that looks like a labia can be used for practice (shudder) since I’m sure that most of these women-haters have no idea how to ‘work’ it! Also, if we do decide to use birth control, we’re not sluts, whores, strumpets, harlots, skanks, loose, etc. We have a right to make our own decisions about our lives, y’all don’t. So, piss off (that’s my editorial comment, not the owners of http://www.governmentfreevjj.com/ , or maybe it is, they’re just classier than I am, (s)natch).

The sad thing is, most of Reps won’t get it and will probably give these to their farm animals to use as chew toys.