2012 — Your Year in Choads

2012 will be noted in the record books as one of the choadiest years ever. Why oh why would you make such a proclamation, Julia? Not only did we have one of the oddest years in human behavior, but the election shenanigans put the ‘crap’ in craptastic choadiness.

2012 was ugly from day one and it just got uglier and uglier as the year progressed– especially in the political arena. Needless to say, the folks on the following list not only embarrassed us the world over, but they sure did a bang-up job of making the human race look like a big pile of chunk-filled dung. (Note: John Boehner, Rush Limbaugh, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell, Bill O’Reilly, Hannity, Newt and the NRA are already in the Choad Hall of Fame, so mentioning them here would be redundant.) The vetting process was brutal and I know I’m missing some choads, but I’m sure they’ll be on my 2013 list.

So, without further adieu and in no particular order, I present to you–my loyal three readers–Your Year in Choads.

The Donald.

(courtesy of examiner.com)

(courtesy of examiner.com)

The thrice-married Trump never ceases to amaze me. He inherited millions from his father, then felt the need to continue to dumb down society with his tee vee shows and tomes. He has even sullied my city with a multi-floor steel phallus with great views, and overpriced units. That was a Trump I could live with–out of my league financially and matrimonily–but I never bought into his bullshit so ignoring him wasn’t a chore at all. However, he had to go and ruin it for me and everyone else by opening his fat yap about how the President isn’t a citizen and how the country was robbed during the election (even though Obama won the popular vote) with a series of ill-timed and uber-choady Tweets–which he promptly deleted. Oh and early in the campaign, he was actually a candidate. But, never fear, Trump will be back in 2013, and will be a bigger choad than Donald Trump. Notice how I didn’t even mention his hair?

Sheldon Adelson.

If Citizens United had a dick, Sheldon Adelson should be giving it blowies all the live long day as a thank-you gift. Yeah, I know. I have that image in my mental Rolodex too and I have no idea how to get it out of there. A brain transplant may turn out to be the way to go, and I’d be happy with an Abby Normal-esque brain at this point. The good thing is, Adelson’s attempts to buy the election failed the way the uterus supposedly does when raped legitimately. Ahem. Imagine the good Adelson coulda done with that money had he done something useful, like for instance, help his beloved Israel build a better defense system.

And speaking of legitimate rape, there’s Todd Akin.

I’ll let the magical combo of video and the Internets speak for Mr. Akin (who lost in November–big time–by the way). Akin’s advisers, the “doctors” who told him about how the female body “works”, anyone who has ever hung out with or believed in Akin, well, y’all are choads too.

Nikki Haley

haley try me

Choads are not limited to men, my friends. Nooo…never. Not only did Gov. Haley NOT consider Stephen Colbert for Jim DeMint’s now-vacate Senate seat, she doesn’t want nuthin’ to do with Obamacare even though her state, South Carolina, is desperate for the help. Like Haley’s fellow GOP governors, she’d prefer to pout and eat worms in the garden because the smart, black guy won AGAIN, and now his monumental, life-saving legislation is truly the law of the land. Basically, she’d rather fuck over her constituents to make a point than help them. That horrid attitude makes her one of the Choads of the Year.

Richard Mourdock.

“Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

(courtesy HuffPo)

(courtesy HuffPo)

He’s rape’s champion and for that, he almost beat Rep. Joe Donnelly in the Indiana race for the Senate.

What’s even more amazing is some woman finds him fuckable.

Personhood Amendments/He-Man Woman Hater’s Club.

It’s safe to say the today’s GOP don’t like us ladyfolk very much. That hatred was evident in the candidates they nominated and the legislation/ballot initiatives that so many states tried to pass, or get on the ballots. Then, there was the kerfuffle over the transnatch ultrasound bill requiring all women in Virginia who wanted an abortion to have this lubed-up wand stuck up their hoo-hahs so they can see what’s dancing on their bladders. The best part? Women have to pay for this humiliation out of their own pockets because Lord knows the GOP doesn’t want to pay for it–hell, they’d rather protect guns than people, see. There are so many anti-woman stories that happened this year that writing about them would cause me to start biting my face again.

But, I’ll give you one more to chew on.   It’s the creme-de-la-creme of choady anti-woman fucked-in-the-head laws that some states in this great country–you know the one that is the most powerful & most advanced in the entire world–seem to love to pass. All of us ladies who still experience menses are pregnant whether we like it or not. That kinda sucks out loud.

Mike Huckabee

331123-mike-huckabee

Gosh, there is so much that can be spewed about the good Rev. Mike. He’s besties with Chuck Norris, his son likes to kill dogs, he’s has a love/hate relationship with weight loss, he blames gays for all of society’s ills, and a bunch of other assorted treats that are too many to mention.

But, this vidya demonstrates just how choad-a-rrific this man of god really is.

Jan Brewer

(courtesy ABC News)

(courtesy ABC News)

The weathered, ridden-hard-and-put-away-wet governor of Arizona is the greatest of all lady choads. She loathes people of color, has a pointy-anointy claw that she likes to point at the POTUS; loves guns; probably has nudie pix of Sheriff Joe Arpaio; allegedly shits Coppertone; kicks puppies; has a law that says all bleeding women are pregnant; is considering running for a third term; more than likely believes in Henrietta Pussycat but not climate change; and finally, contrary to popular belief, did NOT star in “There’s Something About Mary.”

theres-something-about-mary-20090615050344742-000

Porn & Post-Election fun

Why am I not surprised that most of the gals who were all snatch first for Hef have names like Amber, Brandi(y), Tiffany, Brittany, Ashley, and MIRIAM?

Yes, MIRIAM.

While Miriam is a lovely name, it doesn’t exactly conjure up the image of sexy beaver, bodacious tatas and digging on walks in the rain whilst wearing lingerie from Dress Barn. Miriam to me screams bubbe–the type who steals packets of sugar from restaurants, who has a database filled with “Oh how I’ve suffered” stories locked away in her noggin, who also uses wadded up & used a billion times Kleenex doused in her own spit to clean your dirty face, AND who hands you her comb with the hopes that you’ll do away with the holes in her hair. I think I’ve seen my future ….

Post-election fun

While I’m glad my guy prevailed, I must admit it was so fun watching Turd Blossom implode on Fox News. Totally helped to make the victory that much more sweet. I wanna know when after the official announcement that the Kenyan Muslim Socialist Gay Marxist had won re-election that Rove flushed his Smartphone down ye olde toilet because he is so NOT down with getting his ass chewed out by pasty, white billionaires.

Then, there was Bill O’Reilly, who has more chins than a Chinese phonebook, saying how the demographics of this country have changed (no shit, Sherlock) and how people want “stuff.” If that ridiculous, choady, and out-of-touch statement wasn’t offensive enough, there was the “traditional America” quip which in double-speak means “rich, white men are slowly becoming the minority and because of how shitty we’ve been toward those who don’t share our skin color or maleness, we are now in trouuuuble.”

Enjoy.

My god–No wonder Romney LOST CALIFORNIA AND ITS 55 ELECTORAL VOTES. He had THIS GUY running his game in the Golden State.

I guess it is true–only the good die young.

Here’s my new, fab-fave, post-election Tumblr.

I hope she shuts the fuck up now.

Finally, my fave election vidya ever.

Piggies, guns & honey

The other evening, I had dinner with an old editing pal, Darrin. We went to this great place in Echo Park called Mohawk Bend–a former movie theater turned eatery–which features a menu of locally grown ingredients, as well as a bar stocked with local brews and other spirits like organic rum. The food was quite good, the crowd was a hipster parade (I counted about 15 men who were wearing porkpie hats and long scarves), and the conversation was top-notch–as it always is with Mr. Navarro. When it was time for dessert, one of the choices featured honey as an ingredient, and we were curious as to why honey isn’t considered vegan. Now, I admit I don’t know much about honey because it’s not something I seek out when cooking, well, anything. Simply, I can live without it. What I’m hoping for is that someone will do the heavy lifting for me because I’m too lazy to look it up myself.

Onward and upward.

For the past few days, I’ve been in Los Angeles researching my book and checking out the job scene. Plus, I’ve been catching up with old pals and writing. It’s been a successful trip so far that is helping me to gain perspective on my life. Some visits have been more emotional than others, but that’s good. The emotions help me to narrow my focus, and think about what it is I truly want out of this life. It will be an interesting ride. Stay tuned.

Since I’ve been galavanting around LA, I haven’t been paying that close attention to the news. Fortunately, due to a head cold and cruddy weather, today was a catch-up day. Looks like I’ve missed some good stuff–well, lots of good stuff.

Like this lil’ nugget. From TPM/CBS News.

Birther Oathkeeper Convicted In Attempted

Courthouse Takeover

Again with this birther crap? This is SO last year, not to mention SO boring, SO proven that Obama is ‘murican, and SO racist. Before any of you birthers out there start in with the “I’m not racist” party line, here’s your pre-emptive “SHUTTIE!” Yes, you CAN be a racist minus the white hoods and burning crosses. Words and actions are just as hate-filled as those silly white costumes.

Continue please…

“Georgia birther and Oathkeeper Darren Huff was convicted Tuesday of attempting to take over a Tennessee courthouse and conduct citizen’s arrests on officials.” 

This happened in the South? Quelle surprise! I am shocked, SHOCKED to learn this type of behavior happens south of the Mason-Dixon.

As always, there’s more.

“After a week-long trial, a jury convicted Huff of knowingly carrying a firearm in interstate commerce with the intent to use it in a civil disorder, but acquitted him of using a firearm in relation to another felony, CBS News reports.

The decision came after the jury announced last night that it was hung.

Huff will be sentenced in February. He faces up to five years in prison.”

They should add another five years for being a complete dickhead, with really bad chin pubes.

Darren Huff

 “The case dates back to April 2010 when Huff, carrying a Colt .45 and an AK-47, went to Tennessee to conduct citizens’ arrests on officials. Huff, a member of the Oath Keepers, said he going to support Walter Francis Fitzpatrick, a leader of the birther and Patriot group American Grand Jury, who was arrested for trying to perform a citizen’s arrest on a Grand Jury foreman. Fitzpatrick was angry that court officials didn’t let him pursue a Grand Jury trial against “illegal alien, infiltrator and impostor” President Obama, and other “domestic enemies.”

I’m gonna let that graph speak for itself. I can’t top this man’s ridiculous behavior with any type of additional commentary.

As for the following, I will comment–with pleasure.

“In his trial last week, Huff teared up on the stand when he said: “my government has called me a potential domestic terrorist.”

“It’s hard to get employment when you’re under federal indictment,” Huff also said. ‘I refuse to be intimidated. All I can do is still have a voice.’ “

Ok, you half-wit hayseed, when you bring a couple of loaded weapons into a court house and threaten civic officials, including the POTUS, you are a domestic terrorist AND on the same level as Timothy McVeigh. Yes, that guy. The difference is, you’re even more of a moron that McVeigh was and the Feds are paying better attention to idiot folks with guns who want to kill the President and fellow citizens.

As for the unable to get employment because of that pesky federal indictment quip … is it not obvious enough or should I comment on it?

Time to move on and not a moment too soon because the above story was starting to depress the crap out of me.

I’m hoping the popularity of reality tee vee shows is coming to an end because the latest crop of shows just proves that Hollywood is in dire need of something new that doesn’t star anything Kardashian, or involve has-been celebs doing anything whilst exposing flesh. I happened across these two shows recently, and had to force myself to watch an episode of each one just to prove that I wasn’t in some sort of drug-induced state. Someone actually thought these shows were a good idea, and what’s even scarier is someone is getting paid a lot of money to think up such shows. I’m still not clear as to why someone thought it was a good idea to base a show around killing wild boars. Or a show about catching fish with your hands and feet. Sure, boars can be dangerous, but like any other wild animal, if you keep your distance and not fuck with them, they’ll leave you alone.

Making a show about a family of boar hunters is definitely scraping the bottom of the reality show barrel. Now, a show about a family of boor hunters, well, I’d watch that.