Hands Across My Labia

(WARNING: NSFW)

There’s a new movement afoot to get women to love their labias.

Why? Huh?

Because we women are supposed to feel like shit about our physical selves–even when we don’t–so some twink somewhere (probably a plastic surgeon) makes up a new neuroses for us gals to glom onto. Of course we do this since we women are also major people pleasers AND this society is allllll about promoting beauty over brains and brawn. What happens next? Our self-esteem takes a major hit, and we’re looking for the next beauty miracle to make us perfect instead of, oh I don’t know, maybe reading a good book that will make us a scosch smarter/wiser. Help us, Judy Blume!

Now, I was taken aback by this new love thyself no matter what proclamation because I had no idea that some women hate their labias.

Wait..clarification desperately needed here–90% of men don’t know what the LABIA is (no, it’s not the latest Italian sportscar, although most men ride it like it was –HEY O!), so I will do the honors of explaining to the menfolk just what AND where the labia is.

From FreeDictionary.com:

labia

[lā′bē·ə] sing. labium

Etymology: L, lip
1 the lips.
2 the fleshy liplike edges of an organ or tissue.
3 the folds of skin at the opening of the vagina. labial, adj.
Here’s the perfect graphic for show n’ tell: And to the dudes who read this blog–commit this image to memory–with particular attention paid to where the clitoris is. *AHEM*
(Courtesy of The Mayo Foundation)

(Courtesy of The Mayo Foundation)

Apparently, the hot trend these days–labiaplasty–is for women whose twats have had quite the workout birthing humans, riding horses, doing the splits during their Nadia Comaneci phase, and well, just by being a modern woman. That shit gets stretched out, see, and some women are uber-self conscious about their labias looking like elephant ears.

Huh?

Really?

This is where we get into trouble.

Ok, let’s walk through this one, mmkay? So, some woman, who has done her fair share of living (see above graf), suddenly feels like CRAP because she’s seen what the porn goddesses have and decide that them gals are the new high standard in pussy perfection.

(Side note: I’m sure most of this myth is perpetrated by men who never leave their parents’ basements.)

Yes, even though the only folks who will actually feast their peepers on her vajay, are her doc (hey, she/he has seen ’em all & they don’t care), her significant other, her lover, her mistress, and perhaps her waxologist–but she’s still quite self-conscious. Let’s be honest–any dude who is THAT LUCKY to get close to a labia–would be wise to shut his yap-yap about what it looks like or he’ll find that he is no longer welcome in that fleshy, magical, wonderful kingdom.

Apparently, and thanks to the world of social media, there are blogs, blogs and tumblrs & more tumblersand whatnot dedicated to celebrating the labia–no matter the size. Bravo to those broads who are all about putting puss pix out there for all the world to see. <golf clap>

This is what has me flummoxed: Women do the crux of the living and breathing in this society, and our bodies are the physical evidence. We’re the ones who keep this world from sliding deeper into the shitter. However, even though we are the ones made of sterner stuff, we’re still made to feel like shit if we don’t look absolutely fucking perfect all the live-long day.

To that nonsense I say “What the entire fuck??!”

In short, there is nothing wrong with you–you’re perfect.

Did you ever stop and wonder that…

“Planet of the Apes” could happen?

I would LURVE to resurrect From My Cold, Dead Hands from the, um, dead (you know he’s gonna come back, you just know it), then watch Marky Mark touch & lick him.

You know, sometimes I wish it would happen. Or something similar.

Maybe “The Food of the Gods” could come true and I’d be serving wench extraordinaire for huge chickens.

Hey, anything would be better than being stuck with Will and Holly Marshall. If I was stuck with them, I’d throw them to the Sleestaks, then make a coat out of Cha-ka.

But hey, that’s just me.

At this point, you’re probably wondering why I’m writing such a nonsensical post. Well, I learned today that it’s NaBloPoMo. It’s kind of along the lines of NaWriMo, and since I’m already balls-deep in writing a book, I’ll participate in the NaBloMe or AmBloU or … what’s it called? Oh yes, NaBloPoMo. What is it exactly? Here’s WP’s explanation:

It’s November 1st, and National Blog Posting Month–NaBloPoMo–is upon us. Time to put your thinking cap on, fire up the computer, chug some extra coffee, and get a-postin’! Bookmark these resources for days when you need a little something extra, and leave a link to your site in the comments so other NaBloPoMo participants on WordPress.com can find you.

I’ll give it a try and see where this journey takes me.

But I must warn y’all that when the revolution happens, I’ll have to destroy you all.

The sun never sets on McCrabass

I’m now a full-fledged attention whore and have a Tumblr. All the cool kids have one and since I can’t seem to think for myself anymore, I had to take the leap. I don’t really know what the fuck it is either — I was just told to get one. NOW.

Take a gander at it when you have a moment please.

http://mccrabass.tumblr.com/

I’m feeling my way through it.

Suggestions and booze are always welcome.

“I’m tired of being humane” & other complaints

First, let’s talk about the GOP roundtable yap-yap fest that happened last night. I was *thisclose* to throwing all of the furniture in my apartment out the window because these candidates are so completely out of touch and mean-spirited. I have very little hope for the political process in this country, AND for those who believe that hate is the answer.

In short, they’re awful human beings. Turns out, what they were all so absolutely certain about, was wrong for the most part.  Sadly, they haven’t moved past the whole ‘Obama should fire Bernanke’ mantra (even though Obama can’t do that); the death panel myth (time to start paying attention Newt-that myth was dispelled during the healthcare debate) and Bachmann still has a hard-on for placing all the blame on Fannie/Freddie & the Reinvestment Act–a conservative talking point that has been proven wrong over and over and over again. I know..I know..I feel your pain. But, WAIT! There’s more! Bachmann must have forgotten all of the money she got from Fannie/Freddie. Guess relying on God didn’t really help pay for the pile of bricks she calls the homestead. Basically, Bachmann is going back to her old material–even the debunked stuff. I bet Ed Rollins is thanking god everyday for leaving her campaign in the crazy dust.

Before I launch into Romney, something must be said about the whole Mormon running the country fiasco. I agree with Chris Christie (yes, you read that correctly) when he said (paraphrasing here) that a person’s religion doesn’t matter when it comes to running the country. Bravo, Mr. Christie–you’re nuts but you’re absolutely correct. But Romney? Really? The company he founded, Bain Capital, is responsible for thousands of lay-offs. Also, Romney raised taxes to pay for Romneycare–something he’s harping on Obama about. Also, he wants to raise taxes on the poor and fuck over women and the poor even more when it comes to healthcare.

The lab that created Herman Cain should be burned to the ground, and everything within a 15-mile radius of the site should be condemned. Kind of like what the Soviets should have done with Chernobyl. His nonsensical ramblings about a tax plan that has been picked apart by economists, and  labelled dangerous and stupid by anyone who isn’t associated with the Koch Bros., proves that he’s not worthy of any type of elected office. I’m sure he’ll be back to selling crappy pizza by Christmas.

And, Rick Perry? Oy. More on him later. I can’t decide if there aren’t enough words to describe him, or too many. Ron Paul needs to corral those eyebrows. Perhaps put a cloaking device on them because they’re destined to escape–soon. Nothing can be said about Santorum. He’s just sad.

It’s gonna be a bumpy election season.

What else? Oh yes. Has anyone noticed that this country is bathing in shit? No? Well, maybe you should start paying attention. This piece of news out of Kansas is so distressing. Kansas is a bad place for women. Period. End of story. Remind me to never live there OR travel through it. Any place that fucked in head doesn’t deserve McCrabass dollars.

It warms the dark crevices of my heart to see that Florida is not a disappointment in the batshit category. Rep. Brad Drake is my new fave GOP nutley. The press release is worth reading, but this part just makes my knees go limp. Sigh.

Rep. Brad Drake

“So, I say let’s end the debate,” he said in the release. “We still have Old Sparky. And if that doesn’t suit the criminal, then we will provide them a .45 caliber lead cocktail instead.

He’s a keeper, ain’t he? He’s probably the type of guy who would charge the condemned’s family for the bullet used to execute him/her. You know, like they used to do in China.

I love blogs. I do. Most are crap (ahem), some are funny, and then there are those that are so … so… oh fuck. I don’t know. Here’s an example of what I think I am trying to say.

http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com/

 

My opinion? It’s a porn fail if the viewer is giving any attention at all to the production design. Just sayin’ ….

I puked when I saw this picture. Happy Halloween, sickos!

And finally, who is Adrianne Curry and why is trying to upstage my Coco?