Five Things: 4/13/14-Spring Thaw Edition

Spring has sprung, so I guess I’m back. I’ve been writing nothing but news stories so writing fun stuff is strange to me right now. Oh but never fear: My wit will return.

What’s been going on? Much.

1) HAVE A PIECE  OF PHYSICAL THERAPY PIE. Physical therapy and more physical therapy. For those just tuning in, I’m getting intensive PT to help repair my shoulder after severely dislocating it back before the first Polar Vortex in January. I had to let it heal for a few months which meant no physical exercise at all. The one thing I learned through all of this is how much falling down the el station stairs, popping my shoulder out so far that it I could scratch my ankle without bending over,  AND spending six hours in a dank ER, is how much of a huge-as-fuck-hit my self-esteem took. Couple that with the bone-chilling, ass-crack cold we experienced, and you’re looking at 13-year old me. You know the type–teenage girl with serious braces, a tight, curly perm, GREEN EYE SHADOW, pervy-dude-attracting-boobs and the personality of well, grass.

Where was I going with this? I dunno, but I do know this: PT is brutal and I’m an old fart.

 

2) She’s BACK.

“Get the government out of my fuckin’ snatch.”

and…

 

3) Sometimes I think living in Colorado wouldn’t be so bad. Via UPI.

Pot vending machine to debut

I have a feeling that Colorado is gonna lose that “One of The Mostest Fittest States in the Union” moniker since munchies are such a huge part of partaking in doobage. Don’t believe me? Ok. Just watch.

 

4) Aaaaaaand then sometimes I think living in Colorado would suck. Lemme preface this by saying it’s the middle of April.

Spring storm shuts down stretches of I-70

 

5) Finally, I’m seriously considering doing this.

 

 

Cathmandont

(courtesy mnn.com)

Since I’m in some sort of unemployed holding pattern from hell, I’ve been thinking of ways to spice up my life. You know, give my life some ummph, and make my daily life a bit funky.

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be the quirky broad on the street by either painting my car neon orange or by setting up a home for wayward squirrels, or by ceasing the whole practice of bathing altogether. hmm. Then it hit me–I’ll get a leopard! Yes! A big, spotted kitteh with meaty paws and a jaw that could snap an elephant’s leg. I’ve even been going over possible names for my new minion–Roderick, Pancho, Gus or Gwendolyn. And, I’ve spent more than a few hours researching beds, scratching posts, BIG litter boxes and fainting couches online for my new pet. I’ve even spoken with a few pre-schools and looked into Head Start programs around the city. It was all very encouraging and my excitement was starting to grow.

All was well in the dome, until I read this.

From CNN.

Leopard suspected of eating 15 people in Nepal

(OOPS.)

Kathmandu, Nepal (CNN)A ferocious leopard may have killed 15 people in Nepal in a 15-month span, its latest victim a 4-year-old boy that the creature dragged away into the jungle to eat.

The head of boy was found in the forest a kilometer from his home Saturday morning, said Kamal Prasad Kharel, the police chief of the Baitadi district, an area about 600 kilometers (373 miles) west of Kathmandu.

The grisly discovery, which came after teams of people searched for the child, marks the 15th victim in the past 15 months in that remote district in western Nepal.

The police chief suspects that a single man-eating leopard is responsible for the deaths. If not, there are at most two of the man-eating creatures around, he believes.

Maheshwor Dhakal, an ecologist at the Department of National Parks and Wildlife Conservation in Kathmandu, agreed that it is unusual to find more than one or two man-eating animals in one area. Most leopards live on wild prey.

More human victims could also be expected if there were more than one or two man-eaters around, he said.

“Since human blood has more salt than animal blood, once wild animals get the taste of salty blood they do not like other animals like deer,” Dhakal said.

Kharel said he feared the actual number of people killed by the leopard could be higher than 15, because others have lost their life to leopard attacks in Uttarkhand state in northern India, which borders Baitadi district.

“It could be the same leopard,” he said.

Of the 15 victims in Nepal so far, two-thirds are children below the age of 10. The others are older children and a 29-year-old woman who had gone to collect fodder for domestic animals in the nearby forest, a common practice in Nepal.

“No adult male has been killed,” Kharel said.

All the victims are from villages bordering the dense forests in the district, he said.

After killing its victim, the leopard takes the body away into the forest to eat.

“In the case of the children it just leaves behind the head, eating everything, but some parts of the adult body are left behind because it cannot finish it,” Kharel added.

The district administration has announced a Rs. 25,000 (about $300) reward to anyone who captures or kills the leopard.

The local administration has sought to raise public awareness of the dangers of going alone into nearby forests and has mobilized the police, armed police force and local people who have licensed guns to hunt for the animal.

Controlling this particular leopard has been a challenge for the wildlife officials in Kathmandu.

“We are sending a veterinary doctor to the district to understand the situation,” Dhakal, the ecologist, said. “There is no alternative but to kill the leopard.”

The chief district administrator has granted permission for this particular leopard to be killed. Normally, it is illegal to kill wild animals.

Leopards are common in the low mountain areas, as compared to the high Himalayas, across the country.

While cases of leopards killing domestic animals are common, and there are sometimes instances of leopards killing people in Nepal, this case is “extreme,” Dhakal said.

Fuuuuuck–another grand idea squashed.

So this big kitteh has been wreaking havoc in Nepal for 15 months. So far he has killed 15 people. Hey, in new math that’s about 1 person a month. Not a bad record if you ask me.

Who knows why this leopard is all about killing his fellow Nepalese, but I believe it’s because he likes nom nomming on human flesh, and is just plain fed up with giving lost hikers directions to Mt.Everest.

Big time boredom

Boredom has set into every crevice, pore, crack, hole, and festering sore in my being. It has to do with this time of year–it’s hot, it’s the end of summer and fall is right around the corner, then maybe winter. Who knows, however, after last winter. We won’t know until it happens.

Back to my boredom. I can’t even think of what to write next. That, my friends, is how bored and uninspired I am (YES! I knew that word would make an appearance eventually).

The Dog Days of Summer are inspiration killers for me. Oh and that pesky unemployment dance I’ve been doing for the past 20 months or so — a bit of news on that front–I have an editing job for a few weeks starting tomorrow. Should be interesting since I don’t have any work clothes. Stuff has been tossed out due to normal wear and tear, and being too big. Most of it has been sacrificed to the fashion gods as a way to beg for forgiveness–let’s just say I was trying to revive the whole “Working Girl” look a few months ago. Hey, my shoulders aren’t big enough from years of swimming, LET’S MAKE ‘EM BIGGER! That whole experiment went buh-bye when I donned a blazer with shoulder pads out to *here* and they made my shoulders stick out to *HERE*.

 

The one look I will stick with is this one, since well, it is so me. So much so it’s frightening.

 

Since that’s settled, let’s see what other shenanigans I can get myself into.

I spent about 10 hours in the ER yesterday, dealing with unbelievable gut pains. Horrible. I had blood  & fluid tests and CAT scans up the ying-yang. Even telling my tale of woe to countless nurses and a few docs proved that the human body is one big clusterfuck. A mystery, actually. I am convinced after spending time in one of the few Level 1 trauma ERs in Chicago that if something was really wrong with me, my body would tell me somehow and I’d just naturally listen. How do I know this? It’s tough to explain — you’d have to know my body as well as I do, which ain’t gonna happen unless you buy me dinner, lots of flowers and even more drinks. Top-shelf too, I don’t drink swill.

Back to the Camp ER, all is well–I think. Will know more later.

During my time on an ER bed, under blankets and in fab hospital haute couture, I had time to peruse the web for stories. I even deemed a few worthy of y’all’s attention.

The Dude’s Abode has sold.

 

According to LA.curbed.com, the Venice bungalow court used for the exteriors (interiors were shot on a soundstage) of the Dude’s house in “The Big Lebowski”, has sold for $1.59 million, down from the asking price of $2.25 million. Six one-bedroom bungalows make up the court, and each one has garage parking and hopefully enough rugs to really tie the rooms together. Here’s to hoping the new owners pay homage to the Dude in some manner–maybe with a White Russian Fountain in the courtyard or daily swirlies and rug-pissing sessions.

Farts. Where would the world be without ’em? Think about it. We’d all be a little more uptight and bloated if farting was not an option. This is why this particular toy is the shit.

(courtesy evansville.com)

When the South Koreans aren’t perfecting the ultimate fart-inducing food–Kimchee–or keeping those pesky North Koreans out of their country, they’re coming up with cute, yet educational dolls for kids.

My explanation won’t do it justice, so just read about it here.

While we’re on the subject of toys, here’s one for girls that bellows “you have no future so give up now!”

 

Think it’s a mistake that the little girl featured on the box is Hispanic-looking? Naah. I’m sure the toy above is satire, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it, um, isn’t.

Finally, any normal person is ‘interested in voyeurism’, but we don’t need to act on it — especially in such a public manner.