Shut. It. Down. 9/30/13

I’m tired and worn out from monitoring the shitfest that is Congress, so here’s a post before the lights go out. Yes, I love y’all that much.

Oh and there’s lots of salty language and general pissy-ness in this post due to what’s going on in D.C.

1) **Sarcastic slow clap for Congress.**

The shenanigans that have been going on during the past few days are completely ludicrous, embarrassing and yes, racist. Okay folks…lemme ‘splain one more time: We have a Black President, it’s time to get the fuck over it. The ACA is the law of the land, and acting like a bunch of whiny little pricks because you can’t control everything is so detrimental to this country and not to mention, democracy. What creases me is Congress–whose approval rating is hovering around 10 percent–is being controlled by a minority of dumbfuck ‘muricans who don’t know their assholes from their eyeballs. This seriously makes me wanna vomit.

2) Musical interlude.

3) A great American city is on life support. 

(via HumanEvents.com)

(via HumanEvents.com)

I came across this excellent photo essay today via the Daily Mail/UK.

Ghosts of students past: Fascinating pictures of a derelict Detroit school… mixed with evocative images from its heyday

(via Detroiturbex.com)

(via Detroiturbex.com)

  • Photos of Cass Technical High School in Detroit, Michigan, whose alumni include Diana Ross and Jack White
  • School moved to new building in 2005 which left original facility empty and it was later demolished last year
  • Largest school in Michigan by 1942 with 4,200 students attending eight-storey brick and limestone building

Click through this collection–the photos are stunning and humbling. The sad thing is, this could feasibly happen in every major city in the country if we’re not careful.

4) Hey, being born white is one helluva personal achievement. Where I fucked up is I WASN’T BORN MALE. What a filthy slut I am!

Via AutoStraddle and Jezebel.

Who’s Really to Blame for the Looming Government Shutdown? Sluts.

Yeah, a bunch of dried up white men with shriveled peens who probably haven’t had sex since Reagan was in power, are thinking about my cooch and how they can fuck with it without having to actually fuck it. Talk about a wasted hard-on, but in all seriousness, who would want to diddle these dudes? See, that’s why they’re pissed off–no self-respecting woman would EVAH see any of the conservative members’ members.

Bite me.

5) Apparently, there are folks out there who pay shit-tons of money to watch this.

(via ExtraLunchMoney.com)

(via ExtraLunchMoney.com)

It’s called CAKE SITTING. Yes. It is. True story. Do you really need me to explain it with words? I think not.

(via ixdaily.com)

(via ixdaily.com)

I’ve been looking for new revenue outlets and this might be the one for me. I like to bake and I like to sit. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me!

A Sad Day for Comedy

Comedians and political pundits from sea to shining sea of this great nation are weeping, filing away their glitter jokes and putting their show tunes libraries in hidden folders in iTunes because Michele Bachmann is not running for re-election.

What? You don’t believe me? Well, have a look-see, pals.

I’m sad the Tea Party Temptress will no longer be around. I won’t miss her politics, but I will miss the endless supply of comedy gold she supplies to people like me. Ted Cruz, Tom Coburn, James Inhofe, Rick Perry and Rand Paul just don’t ooze unintentional comic material the way that Bachmann does.

Corndog1-384x288

Now, I need to add a wrinkle. I won’t miss Michele as much as I will miss her Marcus–her beloved pray-the-gay-away psychologist husband/stylist/constant companion and hopefully, First Husband (sigh–someday–somewhere over the rainbow).

marcusandhiscorndoggiejjfjfjf

SQUEE!

Who knows what the future holds for Michele–ahem–but I must admit that I’m looking forward to her plethora of fab pantsuits on the campaign trail in a couple of years. I look forward to hearing her screech about Vince Foster and Whitewater as a lame attempt to bring Hillary down to her level. That’ll be fun. I just hope I’m covering that campaign.

As for Marcus? Well, there’s this image.

You’re welcome.

(ps: I’ll be the broad pushing the drink cart.)

The Choad Menagerie

You’re probably hoping that this particular post is the McCrabass version of Tennessee Williams’s classic “The Glass Menagerie”, but it isn’t.

Simply put–I am here to crush your dreams once again.

The nice thing is that once I get going on this post, you’ll see why it has been awarded this particular hed.

Who here has heard of Kerry Bentivolio? Anyone? His grand plan is to be the Republican rep in Congress for Michigan’s 11th district which was left vacant after former-Rep. Thaddeus McCotter abruptly resigned in July. He’s not your run-of-the-mill-Republican (whatever that means) either, he’s much more fun. (fun in a herpes-outbreak kinda way)

Kerry Bentivolio (courtesy liberty-candidates.org)

From DetroitYes.com:

On the first day of school last year, Kerry Bentivolio told students in his English class at Fowlerville High School that he had one goal: to make each one of them cry at least once.
……..
Nine months later, school administrators reprimanded him for intimidating and threatening students by grabbing their desks and yelling in their faces or for slamming his fists on their desks.

Oh it gets so much better. Yeah, um…. I’ll just let youse guys read it. From Politico.com

The brother of Kerry Bentivolio says the Michigan congressional candidate, who’s favored to win on Tuesday, is “mentally unbalanced” and could end up in jail.

“I’ve never met anyone in my life who is conniving and dishonest as this guy,” Phillip Bentivoliosaid, according to the Michigan Information and Research Service   (subscription required). “He’s my brother so it’s hard to talk about this, but I believe that if he gets elected, he’ll eventually serve time in prison.”

Kerry Bentivolio is the Republican candidate in Michigan’s 11th district, running to replace Rep. Thaddeus McCotter, who failed to secure enough valid signatures to qualify for the ballot.

Kerry Bentivolio is a Santa Claus impersonator and reindeer farmer. He made headlines after old court documents surfaced quoting him saying he had a “problem figuring out which one I really am, Santa Claus or Kerry Bentivolio.”  He’s running against Democrat Syad Taj.

Philip Bentivolio said that in 1992, he helped his brother build houses in Arkansas and Kerry owed him $20,000. This month he told Kerry he would go to the media with the story if he did not get paid, and Kerry then said he called the FBI and the Little Rock Police Department.

“He told them that I told them that if he didn’t send me money, I was going to kill myself,” Phillip Bentivolio said. “I couldn’t believe it.”

Kerry Bentivolio said that his brother has “serious mental issues” and that the FBI was looking into his brother’s request for repayment 20 years after the fact.

Kerry Bentivolio reminds me of the crazy uncle you see once a year at family gatherings. And, because of your strong sense of family coupled with WASP guilt, you’re forced to spend “quality time” with him which will ensure that the karma train doesn’t mow you over during a future run. Watching him pound Jack & Cokes would be similar to watching cement harden. He also strikes me as the type of uncle who gives the female relatives WET KISSES, but not on the cheek, oh no! Them smooches are bound for your beak, hon, and it’s best just to let it happen then start pounding French 75s to help douse the image of his maw careening toward your pucker out of your mental Rolodex. Um, I speak from experience as a matter of fact.

Back to the feud de Bentivolio Brothers. Holidays are probably rough at the Bentivolio manse. Also, I’m quite verklempt on the whole “I don’t know if I’m Kerry Bentivolio or Santa Claus” bit. It’s .. it’s … it’s just …. yep.

I’m gonna go on the record and say that if Obama was a white dude, this shit wouldn’t be spewing forth from the Mayor of 9/11 and his ilk. I’m waiting for Rudy to take credit for the clean-up of NYC post-Sandy. You know it’s gonna happen and here’s a pre-emptive ‘shuttie’ to him.

The Daily [D]Ick

And this is the icky-est.

I wish some folks would crawl up into their own assholes and die.

Todd Akin is one of those folks.

What was he doing during sex ed in junior high school? Wanking his pud? He’s yet another example of how the wing-nut arm of the Republican party has a bit too much power, influence and not enough intelligence or integrity to run for higher office. The sad thing is, he’ll probably win because this country is filled to the brim with morons.

Of course, he’s walking the remark back– sort of.

What’s even more vomit-inducing is he’s not alone in his beliefs.

If he beats Sen. McCaskill, then we get what we deserve.

Percheron Pate anyone?

Recently, Congress quietly lifted the 5-year ban on the funding of horse meat inspections, which means horse butchering could start up again in the states in the next month. While I find this completely reprehensible since I adore horses, I’m not surprised. The economy is in the shitter, and Congress is doing piddly-shit crap like this as a lame attempt to jump-start it without having to raise taxes on the disgustingly wealthy. What’s weird is the USDA doesn’t have the budget to do these inspections at the moment, but I’m sure they’ll figure something out eventually.

My feelings about this are contradictory: I find it appalling because of my personal history with horses, and I see the comic material as well. This got me thinking about the names of possible equine dishes at some of the fine and not-so-fine dining establishments in this country. Thanks to Laura Bong, Paul Sloth, Jeff Myers, Ajit Samudra and Jill Weiss for their contributions.

Here we go (with apologies to Lucky Lady, Buttsy, Filly, Thunder, Sesame Street, Desiree, Lady Bug, Charlie and all of the horses I have come in contact with in my lifetime.)

Coming soon to a menu near you!

Shetland Pony Pie

Connemara Cutlets with a lovely Belgian Bechamel sauce

Gelding Goulash with Paso Fino Paprika

Palomino Pancakes with Secretariat syrup

House-made Hoof Hash

Clydesdale Clambake

Man O’ War-wich

Trigger Tri-Tip

Mustang Masala

Lippizan Lasagna

Chincoteague Pony Cheesecake with a Goldolphin Ganache

Selle Francais Chopped Salad

Shire Sherbert

Alydar a la Mode

Welsh Pony Rarebit

Risotto del Ruffian

Burro Burritos

Zuppa del Zenyatta

and finally, Seabiscuit.

It’s safe to assume that I’ll be in horse hell where I’ll be stomped, bitten and shat on for eternity.

Bunnies & Bachmann

Today’s post will be gripe-lite.

First, this is wicked cute. If a smile doesn’t crack your lips while scrolling through these pix, there’s something wrong with you. Time to call for back up. Or it’s time to start gulping down happy pills if you don’t get it because this is just too damn adorable.

For those of you who are too damn lazy to click through the above link, here are a couple of photos.

Bunneh!

And, this one.

SQUEEEEE!!

I need to weigh in on Michele Bachmann.

Normally, I don’t like to write about politics because I think there are so many others out there who do a better job at political commentary. Some of my close friends keep urging me to write about the political circus because I follow it so closely for work and for fun, and I do have many an in-depth convo with friends & family about the political quagmire this country is in.

Some folks like shopping, but I like politics.

Back to Bachmann.

Why the cray-cray has been dialed up so high with her is beyond me. She’s so full of hate for those different from here and her (lack of) Congressional work speaks volumes. She hates women. She hates gays. She hates minorities–all while she claims over and over that she’s a God-fearing Christian. Her latest “Oops” just proves that she has no business representing the public–not even as county dog catcher. Even though she claims she was joking about God sending the hurricane and earthquake to punish Washington for not curbing spending, it was a dumb, poorly timed “joke.” The more Bachmann and her ilk opine, bitch and moan about God doing this or that because federal dollars are being spent on whatever social program they don’t understand has gotten under their skin, the more I worry about how the line separating church and state is fading away. The positive thing is, she’ll be out of the race by early-winter. That’s my prediction.

Bachmann is a bad idea. She’s bad for women and families. She’s bad for Christians and folks of all faiths. Bachmann is bad for this country. Fortunately, it appears that folks are realizing they don’t like the cray-cray lady and her creepy, gay “curing”  husband.

Now, onto Rick Perry. Give me a few days please.