The Adventures of Clive

(To be read with a loud, jaunty English accent)

” ‘ello! Wot’s this then? You following me, guv’nah? Wot? No? Then wot you doin’ then? Oh? You want to know where I got my sporty tam o’shanter? Cheerio! I bought it at Harrod’s! I think it makes me look rather dapper and jolly, yes? I’m the toast of the savannah! Wot’s that there? A lion? Oh, cheerio old chap, pip pip and all that! Oh? Wot? Stop following me, you posh lion you. Don’t be a daft prick! Run along now! Wot am I doing? I’m on my way to see Nigel the elephant for a spot of tea and perhaps some biscuits. He’s a right fellow, that Nigel. He used to work for the East India Tea Company, that’s right! He has some new baccy he wants me to try  and I suppose he wants to chat about that trollop of a wife of his. I’ve always thought she was a right twit, see. Nigel also wants me to join his cricket team. I told him I’m not beastly enough to play. Oh no, good sir! I most certainly am not! I’m sure that gray bugger will try to convince me now I can assure you. He’ll most certainly say ‘Poppycock Clive! Stop being a prig and come play!’ I’ll just sip my tea. Well, that’s it. Pip pip, cheerio and all that rot.”