Well, I’ve reached my winter weight. Wanna know how and why?
See, the Polar Vortex has told us to get bent, and I did during my commute the other day. I spent 10 minutes on the Metra platform waiting for the train and how did I entertain myself? By watching the track crews use a mini-flamethrower to thaw out the switches on the track. The Union Pacific workers looked like they would’ve preferred a railroad spike to the back of the noggin than dealing with the ball-freezing wind.
It’s so damn cold out that I can’t exercise. Tis a titch too cold for a dip in Lake Michigan, see. Plus, the gyms around here blow donk, so no exercise for McCrabby…at least not for another week or so.
In short, this is the shittiest winter ever…. so far. I can’t do it anymore so I quit.
2) Here’s where I’ll be spending my newfound free time.
For you serfs who don’t know any better, Cruz Bay is on St. John, and St. John is part of the USVI, or United States Virgin Islands. It’s one of my fave places to go to in the Caribbean. I can’t wait to sip Cruzan Rum whilst watching the hermit crab races after witnessing the green flash as the sun sets over the Caribbean. When I’m done with that bit of entertainment, I’ll take my top off and run through the streets of Cruz Bay.
One of the many great things about St. John is the entire island is a national park so there aren’t any private beaches. But, it’s ok to get drunk and flash your boobs too.
3) So the Winter Olympics are coming up and get this–
It’s warmer in Sochi, Russia than it is in Chicago. That ain’t right. But then again, Sochi is considered the tropical resort town of Russia, so it totally makes sense to have the Winter Olympics there, right?
5) This song makes me think of the beach, the tropics, the sand..men with surfboards..
(pardon the cheesiness of this vidya..it was the best recording though)