The Jiven’ Five: 10/9/13

Sorry I’ve been so quiet for the past week or so, but I’ve been busy…wait for it…WORKING. Yep, McCrabby managed to land herself a part-time–possibly temporary– gig. I can’t go into details just yet, BUT it does allow me share my gifts of writing, yapping and telling stories. Of course, the bottom could fall out and I’ll be back to keeping the couch down and yelling at kids to stay out of my liquor cabinet.

1) Ok, if I ever spied a man wearing such a tie, I’d have him arrested. This just screams douchebag.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

A sampling courtesy of KickStarter.

Apparently, this new fangled neck wear is all the rage among …well… I don’t know who or what for that matter. Hmm..maybe I need another image. You know, one that shows the Shortti in action.

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

(courtesy KickStarter.com)

On second thought, I’m gonna have to slap on a big NO on this one.

Next!

2) Umm…..

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

(via Facebook/Business Insider)

I just got off the phone with my lawyer about going into the masturbation facility business. I’m gonna make a wad of cash building places where folks can quietly go blow their wads. And y’all thought I didn’t have any bidness sense. Haters.

Turns out our military industrial complex ain’t too keen on Marines choking the chicken and she-boppin’ all over Afghanistan. In fact, they’re so turned off by it that the powers-that-be concocted the above warning and posted it inside all of the porta-potties on the bases. Some on the inside think it’s a joke with one medic saying that you can’t get anything via semen (well one can get pregnant) unless an open wound happens to be in attendance. Eww. I couldn’t care less if Marines are playing with themselves..seriously. They’re in a shitty part of the world, fighting an even shittier war so why NOT let them diddle their puds every once in a while? Sheesh. It’s the least we can do.

3) I am very curious about this.

Screen shot 2013-10-09 at 9.31.24 AM

 

I’m morbidly curious. There, does that explanation sit better with you?

4) Oh goody. He’s single again.

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

(via altmalcontent.wordpress.com)

Too bad he didn’t have the cajones to JUST age gracefully. He looks like one of my Il Bisonte handbags.

5) You really wanna know why I’m easing into veganism? Here’s one of the many reasons. H/t to Mother Jones.

40 Percent of Your Chicken Nugget Is Meat. The Rest Is…

bones, nerves, skin, feet, eyes, hair, claws, intestines, arteries, Republicans, herpes scabs, pus, scar tissue, Rick Santorum, afterbirth, varicose dick veins, egg shells, Brook Astor’s crotch, Pig Newtons, shedded snake skin, haggis, panty scrape, meconium, Putin’s asscrack sweat, Laplander jiz, Rice-A-Roni, John Boehner’s gin-soaked salty nutsack and pubic lice.

Ok, I went a titch overboard there, but you get the general idea. That shit’s bad for you.

 

 

Reality TV: A New Crop of Crap

Or How We’ve Become A Nation of Fame Whores.

Reality tee vee has been the “It Girl” of Hollywood for well over a decade. Americans can’t seem to get enough of them which is why the tee vee industry feels compelled to keep churning ’em out. The shows are cheap to produce and they give ordinary folks a shot at stardom (refer to Andy Warhol & his 15 minutes of fame claim). We’ve witnessed ordinary people top the douchebag chart after stints on a reality tee vee show, and as a result, we are slowly turning into a nation of entitled half-wits who believe they are due for a spin in the spotlight at whatever cost.

Mark Burnett and Andy Cohen need to be taken away and reprogrammed since they’re both partially to blame for the dumbing down of American society. Well, Mr. Cohen more than Mr. Burnett. All Mr. Burnett really did is introduce us to watching relatively thought-free, yet pretty people, run around nekkid in some of the more remote locations on Earth. So, he opened the flood gates a titch. And, to be fair, I watched maybe 3 episodes of “Survivor.” I just couldn’t get into it, and I found that watching my toenails grow to be much more interesting.

Now, Mr. Cohen, probably believes it would do society good by giving us the “Real Housewives” series. Again, I watched more than my fair share of those shows, but when I realized that the women featured in the episodes were basically the lowest common denominator, I had to change the channel. In a weird way, Mr. Cohen should be commended for elevating mediocrity to an art form. <slow clap>

Of course, there is a plethora of crappy tee vee–not just the reality sort–scattered about, and no one is forcing me to watch it. But watching such low-brow tee vee is better than me cutting myself to take away from the pain from witnessing those with room temp IQs profit nicely while the public watches.

Since my three readers are curious as to which shows have my Costco knickers in a wad, well, here they are.

This idea just hurts. Seriously–what woman, in her right mind would want to plunked down in the middle of the wilderness, all nekkid with NO feminine hygiene? Yes, that’s the first thing I thought of when I heard one of the participants was a woman–how is she gonna deal with getting her little red friend when she’s fighting off bahrs and other wild life? Don’t get me started on the whole not bathing deal and having to forage for food in order to FUCKING STAY ALIVE part of the show. There must be an easier way to achieve your 15 minutes–how about blowing a d-list celeb in a Gremlin and having a friend record & post it on the Internets? Or, cause a ruckus (preferably with breastesses flinging about) whilst being arrested for stealing a chicken leg and get a friend to once again, record  and post it online? These folks surely coulda come up with something better. “Naked and Afraid” is just a few clicks away from entertainment–it’s almost sadistic–it’s misery wrapped up in pit viper bites, chafed testicles, malaria and uncontrollable diarrhea.

It premieres on June 23rd on the Discovery Channel.

Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 5.57.13 PM

Full disclosure here–I’ve watched all three episodes of this next show. Honestly I couldn’t help myself because not only is it scraping the bottom of the reality tee vee barrel, but I gotta see if one of these broads actually hooks up with some dude. I’m talking about “Pregnant & Dating” which airs on WETV on Fridays. Oh, and this show is a huge self-esteem booster for someone like me. Why, you ask? Hey, I may not have a job or a ton of money, but at least I’m not single, pregnant and so fucking desperate for some dick that I’m hauling my pregnant ass out on dates OR hitting up a matchmaker for help instead of concentrating on having a healthy baby. That’s exactly what these women are doing.

Don’t believe me? Take a gander, won’t you please?

These women are the apex of awful. So are their friends. Call me crazy, but shouldn’t your first concern be when you discover you’re in a family way, be to make sure you spew a healthy spawn from your haunches in nine months time? Oh wait! How dare I forget! Kids are accessories these days and it’s more important for most pregnant women to look good (“don’t gain too much weight now!”) than to make sure their time on the nest is as worry-free and safe as possible.

Screen shot 2013-06-17 at 6.25.54 PM

What gets me is the women get upset and pissy when the dudes they’re out with act all aloof and shocked upon learning that their date is with child. It’s also apparent that if the cameras weren’t rolling, these men would leave skid marks as soon as their date uttered the words “I’m pregnant.” No offense to the men, but who would want to date a woman who’s carrying a child that isn’t even theirs? Yes, yes, I’m sure there are men out there who would step up to the plate, but the men featured on “Pregnant & Dating” so far have the depth and character of a shoelace. In short, I don’t see it happening. But, it’s early in the season, maybe they’ll each find someone who won’t mind recording the episiotomy for posterity, and will help make shampoo and other yum yums out of the placenta.

WETV has turned out to be Darwin’s Waiting Room when it comes to reality shows. The people featured on their shows aren’t the best or the brightest. Case in point: “Bridezillas” is now entering its tenth and final season. Thank dog. For those of you not in the know or aren’t into watching people who have as much class as a fart in church, this show is about bridezillas, or horrible women who are about to get married. These women are so awful, they’ve even left me speechless at times with their unty-cay behavior. If you know anything about me, it takes a mighty display of largess to render me speechless.

A taste. (Warning: you’re gonna need a sedative–or 12–after watching. Fuck it, take ’em before watching the pre-matrimonial mayhem)

At first, naive me thought, “Naaah … no way. People don’t act this way. Nuh uh! Noooo waaay! What would their mothers say if they witnessed such abhorrent behavior?” But after ruminating about it for a bit, it became obvious to me that why yes, people DO act like assholes no matter who’s around. It’s the way we were wired, and it can be quite profitable if there’s someone filming it.

However, “Bridezillas” is not the main focus here. “Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas” is. Surprise, surprise, some of the bridezillas have found themselves smack-dab in the middle of shitty marriages, and since they’re trying to stretch their 15 minutes out for as long as possible, they’ve decided that fixing their poisoned unions is best done in front of millions of people.

Jesus be a fence. That’s all I can say about the whole, sordid subject.

Yes, it does get worse. But this time, with a real bad wig on an adult thumbsucker.

 

Tone-on-Tone engaged

Newsflash: Two of the dullest people in the world are finally engaged.

(courtesy of justjared.com)

I know you’ve been losing sleep over the whole “Will they or won’t they?” time-suck. And now you have two folks you can send your congratulatory flaming bags of dog shit to.

Theroux liked it enough to put a ring on it, but only after Aniston cut the imaginary wedding ring she donned on after hearing Brad Pitt allude to her in an interview … or two … or never. One can hope. Perhaps America’s Sweetheart circa 1999 is hoping for Brad Pitt to bust-a-wedding a la “I thought the track star didn’t smoke” in “The Graduate.”

You remember Jennifer Aniston, correct?

She was one of the lottery winners who once sported one of the umbafugliest hair don’ts unleashed on a populace so into star fucking, that it has leeched into our collective DNA. Now you know why you see updated versions it every damn day. Thanks a lot, assholes.

It’s good that Hollywood is back on track in the relationship department after this fiasco. Finally, all is calm in the pot-smoke filled, dull-as-a-doorstop dome — until Angelina decides she wants to taste Justin.

 

 

News trough dump

Two weeks is long time between posts, but I’ve been busy dealing with my parole officer and other assorted goodies.

I have been paying attention, however.

Lucky for you mooks.

My plan now is to expand my job search because I haven’t had a lap dance in a long, long time and am in dire need of one. I’ve heard the Salvadoran lap dances are something to behold too. Just ask the fine folks who protect our POTUS.

From TPMMuckraker.

Report: Secret Service Had Salvadoran Sexcapade In 2011

Of course they did!

Secret Service agents partied at a strip club in El Salvador that the owner claims is frequented by DEA and FBI agents and some brought escorts back to their hotel ahead of President Barack Obama’s 2011 trip, according to a report from Seattle’s KIROTV, a CBS affiliate.

The news station spoke with an unnamed subcontractor who said he partied with about a dozen Secret Service agents at a strip club in San Salvador. He claimed that members of the Secret Service advance team paid for access to a VIP section of the club and were provided with sexual favors. At least two agents, the source claimed, had escorts check into their hotel rooms.

I bet the FMLN was bumming they weren’t around to join in. But to be fair, they were probably regrouping somewhere.

The owner of the club told the news station that a large number of agents “descended” on the club the week before Obama’s visit and said they were there at least three nights in a row. He claimed that U.S. embassy employees as well as FBI and DEA agents frequented his club.

The Secret Service isn’t responding directly to the new allegations but said they’ll look into any credible accusations.

“The recent investigation in Cartagena has generated several news stories that contain allegations by mostly unnamed sources,” Secret Service spokesman Brian Leary said in a statement to TPM. “Any information that is brought to our attention that can be assessed as credible will be followed up on in an appropriate manner.”

Some people have THE best jobs. The nice thing is, I am helping to pay their salaries so in a way, I’m living vicariously through my tax dollars. I hope my tax dollars find a way to Salvadoran sex show next, or pay for a blowie from a toothless whore behind the ‘hey Meeester Seeecret Service man, wanna hump-hump cheap cheap’ bar down the street.

NEXT.

White dudes are really quaking in their Dockers with this info.

From the Census Bureau. EDITED FOR SPACE.

2010 Census Shows Interracial and Interethnic Married Couples Grew by 28 Percent over Decade

GOOD. After all, this is what America is about, or is what it SHOULD be about. We’re a melting pot. Always have been. It’s never been a white country. EVER. Time for white folks to get over it or they’re the ones who are gonna be missing out. Yes, I’m white but I get it, see?

The U.S. Census Bureau today released a 2010 Census brief, Households and Families: 2010, that showed interracial or interethnic opposite-sex married couple households grew by 28 percent over the decade from 7 percent in 2000 to 10 percent in 2010. States with higher percentages of couples of a different race or Hispanic origin in 2010 were primarily located in the western and southwestern parts of the United States, along with Hawaii and Alaska.

     A higher percentage of unmarried partners were interracial or interethnic than married couples. Nationally, 10 percent of opposite-sex married couples had partners of a different race or Hispanic origin, compared with 18 percent of opposite-sex unmarried partners and 21 percent of same-sex unmarried partners.

Love knows no color. Simple as that.

Other findings ..

  • There was a 41 percent increase in unmarried partner households between 2000 and 2010. Opposite-sex unmarried partner households grew from 4.9 million in 2000 to 6.8 million in 2010. Same-sex unmarried partner households grew from 358,000 to 646,000 from 2000 to 2010, or from 0.3 percent of all households to 0.6 percent of all households.
  • Multigenerational households — households containing three or more parent-child generations — increased from 3.9 million in 2000 to 5.1 million in 2010. Nine percent of households in Hawaii were multigenerational households, which is the highest for the nation.
  • There were fewer households with people under the age of 18 living in them than in 2000. These households dropped from 36 percent in 2000 to 33 percent in 2010.
  • The percent of households with people 65 and older increased across the decade. In 2000, 23 percent of households included someone 65 and over, compared with 25 percent in 2010.

So, gay households are on the rise. And, the shitty economy has forced parents to live with their kids AND/OR kids to move back in with their parents — in Hawaii. Aloha! Here I come! Couple that with people living longer and you’ve got a loud, dysfunctional, nicely-appointed house overlooking Waialua Bay.

This is why Mike Myers sucks.

Unleashing “Wayne’s World” on us was the start, but then pointing out his wedding ring in a loud & obnoxious manner to a friend of mine after he sat next to her and she acknowledged him with just a head nod, just shows you how big of a festering choad he really is. Now everyone is going for their 15 minutes with this song. A little originality people! You ONLY have 15 minutes.

I dig Queen.

Always have, but this isn’t one of their better songs. Yes, it’s well known but that doesn’t make it GOOD. It’s overplayed. Waaay overplayed and that makes it suck out loud. Adding kids to the mix doesn’t make it cute or clever, it makes it pathetic. The kids are cute though.

How is this gonna work?

I’m a terrible perfume snob and while I like the idea of  the quest to create the bestest stank in a bottle ever, it won’t work on the tee vee. And with 3D polluting story lines, Smell-o-Vision is extreme.

Even John Waters tried it. Once.

Pristine privates

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS SALTY LANGUAGE AND IMAGES. IF YOU’RE EASILY OFFENDED, CLICK AWAY NOW!

Just when I thought I knew all about being a lady, I came across this tidbit.

“You And Your Sex Life: An

Illustrated Guide Book For

Women”

It’s from 1948. I’ll prove it.

A sampling:

“If you are a married woman and still find yourself indulging in masturbation to obtain an orgasm, there is something wrong with your marital relations. Try to work out an improved technique with your husband that will give you the sexual fulfillment you desire.” 

Marital relations? No wonder women played patty cake with themselves, and while we’re on the subject what’s wrong with women jackin’ it? Masturbation has been around for centuries. If god didn’t want the ladies to she-bop, he wouldn’t have invented fingers, long arms, and snatches. And let’s be honest here: sometimes sex just ain’t enough and, well, you get the rest.

I’ve jacked it three times since writing this post.

Kidding … maybe.

More, more, MORE.

“Many married women still masturbate but only because neither they nor their husbands know enough about the art of love to obtain full satisfaction  in the [WAIT FOR IT] normal act of coitus.” 

Coitus? No wonder married women masturbated back in the day. Who the hell would want to coit? Or whatever the root of coitus is? Sounds like something you need antibiotic ointment for after partaking in ‘sucky sucky for fi dollah’ while vacationing in Cambodia. 

I suggest reading the above link because I’m sure you haven’t seen the word ‘smegma’ in print in a long, long time — and you’ll want to see it to believe it. Now there’s a word that just isn’t used enough today.

******************************************************************

While we’re knee-deep in smut, let’s chat about manscaping.

Open up and say ahhh!

Manscaping is on my mind because of a post I came across earlier today courtesy of the Daily Beast.

Why ‘Manscaping’ Isn’t Just for

Porn Stars Anymore

As far as I’m concerned, mowing around the twig & berries was never just for porn stars or dudes who are part of the Provincetown Male Revue. Let’s face the bare facts here: Man bits are not that easy on the eyes. Add copious amounts of unruly brillo pad-esque hair and you’ve got a very hairy baby arm holding a puckered, rotten crab apple. Eww. I know, I know, you see that image every time you blink but it’ll subside with time. Or with a direct hit to the skull with a ball-peen hammer.

“The Atlantic reported this month that female pubic hair in America is on the road to extinction, but that’s a bit like noting the spotted owl is an endangered species. Grooming and waxing experts say the latest trend in pubic hair removal isn’t targeted at women—it’s for the guys. There’s evidence of this all around us (if you dare to look). The most startling aspect of seeing Anthony Weiner’s penis in a leaked iPhone sext earlier this year wasn’t its size, but that it looked like a plucked chicken. The same is true of other celebrities’ trimmed full-monty shots, from football player Brett Favre to Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz.”

Pete Wentz? They just had to go there. Hang on a sec, I’m imagining what Leo Sayer would look like naked. Hey, anyone is better than Pete Wentz. Also, I take issue with seeing the words ‘spotted owl’ and ‘female pubic hair’ in the same sentence. It reminds of the classic lyrics “One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong … ”

(I don’t want the sweats to fall off either, folks.)

I’m all for manscaping. Plenty of us gals do the lady kind, so why shouldn’t men? I posed this question to my pal Squatty, and here’s what he had to say. (bless his brilliant wit and his, um, bare-man bits)

“There are highly educated pseudo-scientists idiots there called psychologists who have spun theories about this trend, linking male preference for hairlessness generally, and on female parts specifically, with “infantilism,” which is another completely fictional condition of their own manufacture. But I’d suggest the popular trend toward the porn star look suggests that this is nothing more sinister than evolving aesthetics, a change in opinion about beauty and sexual attraction. 

Idiots.  They never get it right.

Or maybe more men are shaving their nuts because of bedbugs.  Yeah, that must be it.”

Over and out.

Dear darling daughter: F*ck your husband often!

Dr. Michael Brown, Father of the Century.

I’ve been following the assault trial of serial wife beater, Dr. Michael Brown, for a while now. This guy is such a loon with mommy issues, I couldn’t help but pay attention. If I lived in Texas, I would have been at the trial everyday.

I’m not a fan of wife beaters. No one deserves to get beat to a pulp–ever–even if you are the bread winner and you deem a wife as “property” so you see giving her a beating as your “right.” That’s fucking pathetic cowardly crap. Learn how to deal with life like a man.

If my husband ever laid a paw on me in a violent manner, he’d have to come at me hard because I’d fucking kill him. If you’re stoooopid enough to raise a hand to me, then you don’t deserve to draw another breath. Yes, I’m that strong, and that well-trained in martial arts so it wouldn’t be pretty at all. Sadly, domestic violence still exists in this country, and sadder still is women feel the need to not only defend their husbands, but stay with them too. I don’t get it, but then again, I’m not a good victim–it’s not in my genetic make-up, thank dog.

Off mah soapbox now, and onto the loony letters (“Letters to Sophie”) of advice Dr. Michael Brown wrote to his daughter, Sophie. No, the subject of these letters is not about how to be nice, how to succeed in school, or how to be the bestest tennis player EVER. No, they’re about how she should fuck her husband, what it takes to have a happy marriage, and finally, how her mother is a bitch.

Let’s dig in… it’s just too damn good.

First letter is from June 2000, when Sophie was about a year old. From the Houston Press. I was looking for areas to edit, but I couldn’t. It’s just too chock-full of sad, comedic material to cut.

“Want to have a happy marriage? Empower your husband with a great big ego and he won’t let you down. Shower him with praise — tell him he’s the greatest and that’s what he’ll be. Nag, complain, criticize, and he ultimately will get enough and find someone else who makes him feel good, even if logically it will degenerate to the same level. So divorce is not even the answer.

Crush a man’s spirit by implying he is letting you down in some way, and he’s utterly useless. The man wants you to view him as the world’s greatest lover, such that you feel honored when he asks for sex — say no and you crush a little bit of him. Yes, both man and wife should and will enjoy mutually fulfilling sex — together (it is never fulfilling if you cheat — temporary pleasure and immeasurable guilt forever). Yet, the man physically requires more sex to prevent hypertestosteronism and the…resultant idiocy of the male. Sex doesn’t always have to make you see stars. Typically, it’s the man doing most of the work. You are wise, not weak, to simply give him his 10 minutes of pleasure. Act like your enjoying it and he’ll only take 5 minutes [sic]. Then, don’t forget to tell him how wonderful he was.”

There’s probably some truth the physical results of no sex, but who cares? Since when does ‘the man do most of the work’? Also, who cares about YOUR happiness, Sophie? Preserving his ego is oh so much more important than everything else. Learn it, know it, live it.

Obviously divorce WAS the answer for Dr. Brown, since he was just acquitted of abusing his fourth wife. Whattaguy.

Aaannnd there’s more… “Sorry, she had a nice ass and I was hard.” Good to know, DAD.

It was nice of Dr. Brown to title this particular letter: “Why Sophie Must Cry.”

Oh no. This is gonna leave a mark. I just know it.

Again, this didn’t deserve to be edited.

“I am writing this book for my sweet darling daughter Sophie and my dear sweet unborn daughter who I hope withh be called Roxanne Rianna Brown — “Roxy.” I love you so damn much babies….You two sweet smart babies whom I adore are the purpose and love of my life. You two are genetically programmed with such___intelligence as to make most cower in disbelief. How, fucking ever you too unfortunately have your mothers genetic constitution to be unbelievably cold hearted bitches…I am sorry for fucking your mother instead of someone else.

QUE intellect [arrow] fucking TOUCHEDYou baby girls are my pride and joy. Unbelievably and unabashedly I will tell you I, yes I am the fucking alpha male and live to suit my dick until you two sweet children of GOD came along and now I live and breath for your happiness and God’s fulfillment…..Well my sweet baby girls I am your only SANE protector and I must PROTECT you two from your loving mother’s idiocy and lunacy. I love you both and know you are part of GOD’S Plan. Sweet baby girls love your mother but PITY her for she is not even slightly worthy and contributory to your genetic constitution. The smart is from me the bitchy her. Sorry, she had a nice ass and I was hard.”

I sincerely hope that both Roxy and Sophie have enough cash in the kitty to support either their heroin habits or the years and years of psychotherapy they’re going to need if they ever get wind of these sonnets, OR if they’re allowed to be raised by their doting, secure father, who really wishes they had never been born. I fear the worst for these girls. Anyone who has this much contempt for women, should be moved to Asshole Island because that’s the only place that’ll keep them safe. Sounds like Dr. Brown wasn’t allowed to shit all over his wives, they called him on it and they paid dearly for it with beatings with bedposts, trips down the staircase whilst being pulled by their locks and general abuse. Again, I don’t care what they did–no one deserves to get beat on.

Is anyone else bothered by a sentence that has “alpha male,” “fucking”, “dick,” “God” and “two sweet children” in it? Shit howdy, I’m not even sure if is a sentence.

Finally, part three. I can’t think of anything witty to say right now. Just read. FYI: The spelling errors are allll the good doctor’s.

“There are two aspects of sex….it’s psycology and the technical aspect. Both are important. I am writing and describing to you the psycologic basis and atmosphere you are responsible in creating to promote sex which is essential to marital bliss. I am writing another book about the technical aspects of sex which I will give you when you get married. 

The “technical book” will enlighten you. Your husband must have one too — I’ll write it if not for a brother of yours yet to be born than for him for you too deserve the…totality of sexual ecstasies — God’s gifts to be enjoyed, understood, and revered. Once you get the sex thing on track don’t ever get complacent and forget…every 2 or 3 days at least & you initiate sex every few weeks. Use a calendar if you have to. Understand your husbands need for you two want sex (sex=love=sex) from him. If you show him you don’t want sex you are in fact telling the male brain, evolved over millions of years, that you don’t want his love, that you reject the…most valuable thing he can offer you, that you reject him. This is fact. Don’t even think about taking issue with this one even though I want you to think for yourself….

So sacred is sex that you must never hurt another with it by witholding it or telling (or acting like) you didn’t enjoy it. Sure you can tactfully let your husband know how to best please you but always he should feel that as far as you are concerned, in your eyes, he’s the greatest lover who ever lived….If after sex say 20 minutes later the conversation begins with your husband saying “That was great!” rest assured he’s not giving you a compliment (though he might want to) but rather he’s trying to illicit a compliment from you. If you answer “yes” he’s gonna continue fishing and may say “Did you enjoy it?” if you say “I said yes, quit asking” then you are diminishing the value of the just finished love-making….During lovemaking, your partner’s enjoyment should be your prime concern….not your own. If you do this then you will be a technically and emotionally great lover….This kind of lovemaking yields an orgasm multiplied many times by the emotional satisfaction of knowing your partner appreciates you….Without the emotion and letting the other know they are giving you pleasure sex is merely “mechanical” with no advantage over masturbation.”

First, a few bon mots about my dad. He never wrote a sex manual for any of us. Never. Ever. And I thank him for that.

It was tough to get through this part with all the creative spelling, the overdone ellipses–wait–who am I kidding? The horrible spelling and misused punctuation makes my crazy radar go crazy. He’s a physician remember.

This is great fodder for some sort of ‘psycological’ study at one of the country’s finer higher learnin’ institutions. For starters, the fact that he finds withholding sex to be hurtful, and not beating up his spouses, just goes to prove how fucked in the head he truly is.

These letters are both disturbing and very interesting. At one point, he’s praising how brilliant his daughter will be, and how she’s blessed with all of these genetic gifts–from his gene pool of course. Yet, he wishes he had banged someone else instead of her mother. Then, he wants her to forget all that and just be really good at getting her husband off and not herself because that’s selfish and bitchy. Oh and make sure you fake the emotions to keep his wee ego intact. For sexual release, you can masturbate, you know.

I need a Silkwood shower now.

And, I bet Dr. Brown is a shitty lay. And how could I possibly say such a bold statement? The answer is written in his meticulously kept chin pubes. Anyone who goes out of their way on a daily basis to keep their beard at that short of a length, doesn’t quite get it.