Dawg Daze

Why, yes–I am back.

For the moment at least.

I’ve been buried in a story about this dead gal, and while it’s been quite the education, it has also taken over my life for the past month. I’m done and now I wait.

Yeah..yeah..yeah…I know we’re in the Dog Days of Summer and my three readers are probably either on vacation in Branson, or in prison. See, I figure that it’s been a while since I’ve paid any attention to this blog, it’s best that I don’t jump in–tits first–since most of my writing for the past month has been about serious stuff. I don’t know what’s funny anymore.

Fortunately, I have my fellow humans to once again prove to me that we live in a world that is always chock-full of weird and wacky shit. So, attention must be paid.

You know what? Sleep is so overrated. It is. Eight to 10 hours of shut-eye a night is for pussies. I’ve been an insomniac for years, and I’m not *quite* sure why my body/mind doesn’t require sleep, but I have a damn good idea as to what might be one of the many causes.

All I can say is HOLY FUCK.

New Spider from Laos Named after Actor Dominic Monaghan

I don’t give a red rat’s ass that there’s a spider named for some actor, it’s the fact that Mother Nature has decided that this world needs another fucking spider. Why a spider? WHY, DAMN YOU?!!? Is a new species of spider *really* necessary? Why not something harmless like a new horse species? Or an even hedgehog? (like that’s possible)

I’m off to buy a hermitically sealed house.

Oh… this kid needs therapy. Peepee whacking in this case should be done by someone with sharp stick. Yes, I understand this is what young lads do, but there is something fakakta about a ‘tween jackin’ it on mom’s Martex towels she got on special at Macy’s.

Yeah..yeah..yeah…Anthony Weiner. Big whup. You’re a choad, not because you were sexting (I mean really, who cares?), but because you said you weren’t going to do it anymore after your last very public “oops.” Plus, you think that New Yorkers are stupid, which we all know ain’t the case. True story–New Yorkers will always be the first ones to tell you just how smart they are. *YAWN.* What I love about this story is how the word ‘slutbag’ is now part of the McCrabass vernacular. The said thing is, Barbara Morgan will probably get a new job before I do.

I like this hed better: “Monkeys throw poo at selfish people.” Too bad the story isn’t about poo-flinging because that would be something I could get behind.

Finally, I am a journalist because I hope to cover a story like this someday soon.

Passenger said he only wanted to travel together with his ‘beloved’ pet
Screen shot 2013-08-02 at 8.48.17 PM

Aaaand I’m done.

 

Smock the Monkey

This is the story of the year. I’m surprised y’all can’t hear me cackling because it.. it…is just so damn funny and RANDOM.

Monkey found roaming Toronto Ikea

Not that unusual, I know, especially in this day and age. Perhaps the Gawker hed is more telling:

Shearling Coat-Wearing Monkey Found Wandering Around Canadian Ikea

(courtesy gawker.com)

(courtesy gawker.com)

Turns out the monkeh was left in the car whilst his owners went into the Toronto Ikea to buy cheap-ass furniture and probably dine on Swedish meatballs for a dollar. I’m thinkin’ the critter got bored, and since monkeys are fuckloads smarter than most humans, he opened the car door whilst muttering obscenities under his monkeh breath, climbed out of the car and into the cold parking lot while pulling his coat tighter around him and hiking up his Huggehs for Monkehs to avoid drippage. He then followed the rest of the huddled masses into the country that is Ikea.

Fortunately for security cameras and folks with smartphones, his journey was caught for us to enjoy as well. The monkeh is fine, according to officials.

I have a feeling that the monkeh had an easier time of figuring out how to put Ikea furniture together than his owners did.