Five Things: 12/5/13

Gosh, it’s gonna be a balmy 18 degrees today in Chicago..down considerably from the upper-50s we had yesterday. Welcome to winter, now bend over.

1) SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION TIME: The app I’ve been working on for the past few months goes LIVE today. It’ll be available for FREE on iTunes for iPad and iPhone. Android’ll happen in early ’14. This is a very cool app, folks. It’s like Pandora/Spotify but for news. Yes, you can customize the news you want to hear. Right now, we’re mainly Chicago-centric, BUT we do national and world stories. Soon, we’ll be moving to Dallas, LA and the rest of the major markets.
The best part? You’ll get to hear my dulcet tones–especially later today AND this weekend.

2) Oh, for fuck’s sake, CNN, get it RIGHT. You’re a frickin’ media company with some pretty smart people working there (supposedly). How difficult is it to check your work?

(via Media Matter for America)

(via Media Matter for America)

None of this would’ve happened had they hired ME some four years ago.

Yes, I’m that good.

3) Could English pig jizz be the answer to China’s problems? Well, for some of them anyway. (via the Guardian)

UK and China agree £45m pig semen export deal

Environment secretary Owen Paterson says he has also begun negotiations to export pigs’ trotters to China
I’ll translate. Chinese pigs aren’t that great–they suck, in fact–so the Chinese are seeking the help of Brit pigs and their super sperm to make the Chinese ones better.
Or, you can just read about it here.
Side note: UK porcine semen is an excellent name for a punk band filled with has-beens, OR for an ’80s tribute band.
4) Couple of things here…why would any woman want to become a virgin again? Why? Because losing your virginity was so much fun the first time? Give me a break. You know it sucked, so why go through it again? Y’all do realize there are some ethnic groups in this world that cut up the whoo-haas of young girls to make sure they remain a virgin, right? ‘Tis a little thing called genital mutilation. It’s forced too.
Second, I don’t know if this is real, but it’s fucking funny.
Screen shot 2013-12-05 at 7.39.49 AM
For those of you gals who like a challenge, and are all about reliving your youth, but not in the typical way, this may be for you.
5) One of my muses. Enjoy.

 

Where Oh Where Is McCrabass?

Contrary to what you read on the bathroom stalls, I am alive and well. I’ve just been a titch busy.

A tasty gem of a tome has been tossed into my lap by my pal, Andrew Huff, over at Gaper’s Block. I can’t give details at the moment, but when it’s done, y’all will be the first to know.

Also, I’m getting my act together and taking it on the podcast road–so to speak. It’ll be based on my blog and other topics that interest both the host (me) and the various co-hosts I’ve tapped to help me out (Charlie Meyerson, Monroe Anderson, Andrew Huff, Ranjit Souri & others to be named when I get up the courage to ask them). Due to the monumental amount of time that has passed since I’ve dealt with anything audio-wise, I’m in the process of educating my gin-soaked noggin regarding the equipment needed to make this whole thing a success. Word on the street is this podcast could be some sort of underground sensation with my handful of readers.

Why am I doing a podcast, you ask? Well, I’m bored, out of work, and have grown weary of trying to count my freckles. Oh and I have lots to say. I’m not looking to make money, I’m looking to have fun.

This is Chicago, after all, and there’s lots going on here–and elsewhere–to talk about. Especially if the news continues along these lines.

See you soon!

 

 

A Very Dumb Man

Writing about Mitt Romney is overwhelming.

(courtesy conservativenewssources.wordpress.com)

Why? Not to be Captain Obvious here, but Mitt is a target-rich environment. I could go on and on about his flip-flop-o-rama on issues such as healthcare, women’s reproductive rights, Medicare, Social Security et cetera, et cetera. But, y’all have seen, heard and shaken your heads in disbelief over his lack of character and integrity. Not to mention his craptastic attitude toward dogs.

Simply put, Gov. Romney is not fit for higher office.

Especially after his comments regarding yesterday’s horrible attacks on the US Embassy in Cairo, Egypt and the US Consulate in Benghazi, Libya which resulted in the deaths of four Americans, including US Ambassador to Libya, J. Christopher Stevens. The Obama Administration, and both Democrat and Republican lawmakers were quick to condemn the attack and subsequent American deaths. President Obama vowed to bring those involved to justice. Nothing political here, just the Commander-in-Chief doing his job.

Enter Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney. Now, protocol has it that during a time such as this when Americans were killed on foreign soil, a presidential candidate would also condemn the actions of a crazed mob and pray for justice, right?

Not so fast.

Instead, Mr. Romney spewed a common GOP talking point: President Obama is constantly apologizing to Muslims — as well as the rest of the world — for our behavior. Never once has this president apologized for American behavior. But, that doesn’t matter to Republicans–you know, the group that has such a hard-on for getting Obama out of office, they’re making up stupid shit on an hourly basis and cock-blocking him on legislation he’s put forth before Congress — even legislation that was initially birthed by the GOP. The problem is, the mouth-breathers who rely on Fox News as their oracle, will never find the courage to actually search for the truth. What these folks “see” is a Kenyan Muslim Socialist Marxist, not a man who saved the US auto industry, gave over 1 million people healthcare thanks to the ACA, killed Bin Laden, and signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act — to name just a few accomplishments.

I have PLENTY of issues with Mr. Obama which I’ll discuss at another time. He’s far from perfect, believeyoume, but he’s a better leader than Mitt Romney.

Here’s a snippet of what Mr. Romney said:

“I think it’s a terrible course for America to stand in apology for our values, that instead when our grounds are being attacked and being breached, that the first response of the United States must be outrage at the breach of the sovereignty of our nation. An apology for America’s values is never the right course.”

Oh boy. When they made you stupid, they made you real stupid, and not to mention, an insensitive choad.

Like I mentioned earlier, bigwigs from his own party think Mr. Romney doth protest too much.

I’m surprised by Mr. Romney’s ignorance and I’m not. He has no foreign policy experience, and in recent weeks has proven that lack thereof over and over again.

Just to give you an idea of how ignint Mr. Romney is, Colin Powell does a nice job of schooling him earlier in year —

What does Mr. Romney do after being criticized about his “oops” by the masters of his own party? He doubles-down, of course. Sad. I’m so glad he doesn’t know the launch codes.

Too bad he can’t retroactively retire today’s comments.

Good head(ers)

Something must be happening in the news world because some of the headlines I’ve read have been top-notch, A+, guffaw-inducing. Or, editors are finally understanding the wonderful world of SEO.

Of course, the stories are worth a read too, but the real craft — the real stories — are the heds.

Ahem.

Courtesy of Yahoo.com

Angry ex-girlfriend goes ballistic, rips off man’s scrotum

See what the editor did there? Aces.

Let’er rip.

The rest of the story is balls too.

This next one, I don’t even need to read the rest of the story. From Mother Nature Network.

Rocker gets rabies shots after bat urinates in his eye

Torche guitarist Andrew Elstner shares his strange and informative experience on Facebook

 

If you feel the need to move onto the rest (but what’s the point?) of the story, you can here.

When I initially read this hed, I thought the Queen was adopting her new granddaughter in-law. Or, Kate Middleton is adopting the Queen. Or the Queen is pregnant is Kate Middleton. Huh. The main lesson here is never read a hed until after the Ambien fog has lifted.

From The Frisky.

Kate Middleton Forced To Get Pregnant As Adoption Won’t Work For The Queen

Oh, NOW I get it. Duh.

This next one isn’t the most compelling headline, but it’s just so damn cute!

From io9.

Picky hermit crab lives in a multicolored LEGO shell

I love that the hermit crab has been dubbed ‘picky’ when all he really did was want a bigger place to house his gigantic crab ass.

It’s a cute story, natch.

Of course there’s vidya of Harry the Hermit showing off his new digs to his jealous aquarium mates.