Five Things-Montana Edition: 4/17/14

If Montana ain’t careful, it’s gonna become the next Florida.

Case in point–

1)

Police: Suspect licks officer’s eye during arrest

(via The Montana Standard)

(via the Montana Standard)

(via the Montana Standard)

“A Walkerville man is accused of licking a police officer’s eye during his arrest.

Christopher Nicholas Hiatt, 34, is in jail on a felony charge of assault on a peace officer and misdemeanor charges of assault with a bodily fluid, criminal contempt and probation violation.”

Ok, what the entire fuck? Hiatt licked a cop’s eyeball? I understand licking a cop’s balls, but his eyeballs? How? Whaa? How did the cops let Hiatt get that close? What’s really going on here?

2) So..wait..is it possible that my Nigerian prince really isn’t a prince?

Fake money traced to Butte man: Counterfeit bills came from man’s Nigerian sweetheart, police say

(via The Montana Standard)

“Fraudulent money sent by a Butte man’s Nigerian sweetheart — whom he met on the Internet — has been traced as the source of some counterfeit bills circulating around town.

This weekend the man, who thought the cash was legitimate, attempted to use fake $100 bills to wire money to his girlfriend. The cash was used at Albertson’s, Walmart and Safeway to purchase money wires to Nigeria.

Police say $900 of the fake money has been recovered. But, they suspect about $3,000 in $100 bills may have been used by the man.”

Oops.

3) I’m so glad someone found my vibrator.

Fish Dildo: Bjørn Frilund, Norwegian Fisherman, Finds Orange Sex Toy In Cod’s Stomach; Maybe A ‘Frustrated Woman On A Cruise’ Threw It Overboard?

(via International Business Tribune)

Screen shot 2014-04-16 at 11.25.31 PM

 

 “Norwegian hobby fisherman Bjørn Frilund was in for a shock when he fileted a 5-pound cod he had just caught and found an orange dildo in the fish’s stomach.

“I was astonished,” Frilund, 64, told the Local, a Norwegian English language website, on Friday. “It was totally unexpected. I had never seen anything like this before.”

While it’s unclear how the sex toy became a meal for the cod, Frilund has a theory: “a frustrated woman on a cruise” chucked the dildo off a ship in the nearby Barents Sea and the fish mistook the sex toy for the fish’s typical prey.”

I may be frustrated, but I’m NOT that frustrated.  More importantly, I’d never toss a perfectly good dildo away.

Side note: “Fish Dildo” is a GREAT band name.

 

4) I wanna put my mouth on this.

Celebrate Easter with the bacon Easter egg

(via UPI/Odd News)

(via @TheEvilChris /Twitter)

(via @TheEvilChris /Twitter)

 

5) Turn it up. LOUD.

More musings on random shit

With this musical revelation, Jesus is gonna come back and beat the crap out of this woman to save the rest of humanity. Some talent should never, ever be allowed to leave Norway.

A fake dick will make its first appearance in space in October. When I heard this earlier today, my response was “Why didn’t I think of this??” I don’t know about y’all, but I feel much better knowing that a sex toy will be vibrating its way through space, maybe looking for moisture on Mars. But, I have two words for this cosmic cock: Black Hole.

I’m alll about organic, but this is too much. The idea of rodent turds mixin’ it up with my morning cuppa joe that’s been infused with a  jug of CoffeeMate French Vanilla creamer and a bucket of Splenda, really makes me just want to give up and start drinking vodka in the morning. If there were turds in vodka, at least the alcohol would kill the germs and kill the necessary brain cells that require one to feel disgust.

Question: Why do people shop at Jared the Galleria of Jewelry? What is wrong with people? Is it that fucking difficult to think for yourself? Or do you like conformity and ugly? This society is doomed, and a little of me dies whenever I see a tee vee ad for this place.

Can’t wait to read this page-long book. “I tried heroin, then woke up years later with a teenage daughter, a dead husband and a new body thanks to plastic surgery.”

Finally, this vid is the cutest thing I’ve seen in a long time.